Glad you're worried about your kids through all of this, but what about the OW's kids? If one of them were old enough to hit you, he would. Stop messaging his mother and f*ck off until you're both divorced. Posted via Mobile Device
Want to add that the OW could be "rewriting" history by talking to you. She feels an attraction and is starting to see your grass as greener. It's possible her H is not as bad as she's making him sound. Odds are, unless he's abusive, their problems can be resolved through marriage counseling. Having you as an option is taking her attention away on rebuilding and fixing her own dying marriage.
It sounds like your marriage is already dead, so confiding in each other is helping to kill off hers even faster.
This is exactly right. I've never ever read a story where the OPs marriage is hunky dory. If the OP is a married OW, she almost always says hes some control freak and is in an unhappy marriage. The OW has to demonize her H in order to justify the EA in her own mind.
This hits especially close to home for me because that is what my WW said about me, when I was nothing of the kind! It really pisses me off and is starting to trigger me.
Maybe her H would be shocked to hear that is what she is saying about him. The reality is usually quite different.
Oh crap...I guess I am having an EA. No matter how I try to sugar coat it, it is what it is. Ok, I need to think this through and end it with the other woman. I am not a bad guy...I dont want to hurt my wife. Im just tired of being miserable.
Good that you are manning up and owning up to it. I suggest you and your wife get into MC and work on the M. The grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence, it just looks like it is. It's an illusion. If you and your wife don't make it, at least you made the effort and can part ways with her with a clear conscience.
Spend some time reading through the other posts in this forum. I think you will find you see a pattern. Learn from others. It's so much easier that way.
My stbxh and I both teach, and we just ended 20 years with his ea. (And other stuff. I'm not perfect either.) But our kids have to deal with our fallout now. And that sux. Wish you all better times.
The OW's husband is ALWAYS a control freak, physically abusive or emotionally abusive. Never heard of a single one say "yeah, he's awesome". They all need to be rescued and they all sing the same tune. It's all bull$hit. If her husband is such a control freak/potentially violent then why on earth would she risk being with you and subject herself to abuse? She wouldn't. She is a liar but you won't see that until you toss aside your wife and destroy your family.
I appreciate the advice. Its honest and to the point. It also stings but thats to be expected. In my defense, our second child and third child were actually twins.
I am mature enough to know that I have to make decisions thats best for me and my children. I know I need to be honest with my wife and I need to consider my wife's and children's needs when making any life changing decisions.
I know its prob not much better than cheating but we agreed not to take it any further than just talking. I come from a long line of infidelity (great grandpa, grandpa, father). Ive been through this as a child and do not want my children to go through with it.
As far as deciding to get married...I dont regret it. We took a risk and decided to get to know each other as a married couple. Our 'dating' was as a married couple. We gave it a shot and it didnt work. We both are not happy. We have horrible communication. I know I will not regret moving on from my wife. I know there is someone out there better for me and for her.
I dont see whats wrong with confiding with someone who is going through the same thing either. It gives me someone to talk to about it.
Something to think about... If you don't deal with the things on your side that caused issues (I.e. Communication, conflict resolution) you can likely count on similar problems in the next relationship.
Good luck, no matter what you chose! And thanks, JB! I always look for your posts, and not just cause I have a sweet tooth! . More of a chocolate guy, myself!
I appreciate the advice. Its honest and to the point. It also stings but thats to be expected. In my defense, our second child and third child were actually twins.
Unfortunately I don't think you're going to get a lot of support here for ditching your marriage and family to go for the other woman. And I'm not being mean or judging you here, in that I was disloyal once myself. Having gone through it and come out the other end, my very best advice to you would be to end ALL contact with the Other Woman immediately and tell her you have decided to renew your efforts at building a loving, secure marriage with your wife for your children.
Quote:
I am mature enough to know that I have to make decisions thats best for me and my children. I know I need to be honest with my wife and I need to consider my wife's and children's needs when making any life changing decisions.
Yes but what many people fail to recognize is that the best interest of the child is to have a loving secure home with their mom and dad. Rather than teaching them to abandon their spouse--teach them that honoring a vow means something important. You volunteered, before God and family, to forsake all others for your wife. So your duty is not to "making yourself happy" even if it tears your kids apart and destroys your wife--your duty is to work hard with your wife to build a loving marriage for her and for you...and a secure family for all of your children! Your duty is to think of what they need ahead of what you want. Your duty is to help your wife become a better woman, and help your children grow into people who will honor their marriages. THAT is being mature!!
Quote:
I know its prob not much better than cheating but we agreed not to take it any further than just talking. I come from a long line of infidelity (great grandpa, grandpa, father). Ive been through this as a child and do not want my children to go through with it.
If you come from a long line of infidelity, then you know first hand what you are about to do to your children!! You know that you are about to shatter their world and their security; you are about to make them have issues in their own relationships and need therapy as they get older; you are about to make them feel like it's their fault and like they are unloved. Now, that other lady may be nice and such but what person is worth all that? Look into your little girl's eyes and tell me you can do that to her. Look into your little man, who trusts you and depends on you, and tell me that you can mess up his world like that. No. I sincerely believe you're better than that or you wouldn't be here. Please...stop yourself.
Quote:
As far as deciding to get married...I dont regret it. We took a risk and decided to get to know each other as a married couple. Our 'dating' was as a married couple. We gave it a shot and it didnt work. We both are not happy. We have horrible communication. I know I will not regret moving on from my wife. I know there is someone out there better for me and for her.
Nope on that regard you are 100% wrong. Now, don't get me wrong--it's possible that there will be other women who maybe have a personality type closer to yours or who has the same love language as yours...but whether you stay with your wife or go to another woman, the fact remains that rather than admitting your problems and facing them like adults and working to fix it, you would be running away. If you don't deal with the issues now, you'll just keep doing it to the next one and the next one and the next one.
So you say you have horrible communication with your wife. Why? Do you work long hours? Does she nag you? Do you talk to her like an attack dog? Does she criticize everything you do (including breathing)? You made a commitment to this woman--so rather than running away "when the going gets tough" I recommend that you tell her "Honey our communication is horrible and some of that is because I don't open up and talk to you. I keep it all inside and keep things buried and I need to learn to do better. I don't want to end up like all the other folks who divorce because I want to be a better man. So can we please learn how to communicate better?" See...communicating doesn't just mean that she stops nagging; it means that you have to open up to her and be honest with her about what's hurting you! It takes effort on your side too!
Quote:
I dont see whats wrong with confiding with someone who is going through the same thing either. It gives me someone to talk to about it.
Here's what's wrong with it. You told your wife you would forsake all others for her. That means you volunteered to give her 100% of your affection and loyalty. Who is getting your affection right now: 100 flirty texts a day OW or 1 snarky text wife? Who is getting your loyalty right now: "I don't want to give her up" OW or "I don't mind breaking my vow" wife? What do you suppose would happen if, instead of sending 100 texts a day to your OW, you invested that same amount of THOUGHT and EFFORT and CARE into your wife? I can tell you what would happen: she would blossom like a flower!!!
So if you need to confide in someone, confide in your BEST FRIEND: your WIFE. If you need someone who understands what you're going through, turn to your wife. If you need someone to "just talk to", talk to your wife.
Now Gator, I'm going to conclude. Some part of you knows this is wrong and knows you should stop, or you wouldn't have come here. I know that it's wrong. You know that it's wrong. What do you tell your kids to do when they are doing the wrong thing? Keep doing it? Be stubborn and refuse to stop? NO. You tell them to admit they were wrong and say they are sorry. Right?
So you tell me. You're an adult, right? You should be more mature than children, right? What is the right thing to do here? YOU tell me. Do you need help doing the right thing? We are all here to help you with that!!! So come on--do the right thing for yourself, your wife, your kids, your marriage and your family. End the affair now, admit you were wrong and work with your wife to build a relationship that is so strong and loving that your kids will want to be JUST LIKE YOU.
Unfortunately I don't think you're going to get a lot of support here for ditching your marriage and family to go for the other woman. And I'm not being mean or judging you here, in that I was disloyal once myself. Having gone through it and come out the other end, my very best advice to you would be to end ALL contact with the Other Woman immediately and tell her you have decided to renew your efforts at building a loving, secure marriage with your wife for your children.
Yes but what many people fail to recognize is that the best interest of the child is to have a loving secure home with their mom and dad. Rather than teaching them to abandon their spouse--teach them that honoring a vow means something important. You volunteered, before God and family, to forsake all others for your wife. So your duty is not to "making yourself happy" even if it tears your kids apart and destroys your wife--your duty is to work hard with your wife to build a loving marriage for her and for you...and a secure family for all of your children! Your duty is to think of what they need ahead of what you want. Your duty is to help your wife become a better woman, and help your children grow into people who will honor their marriages. THAT is being mature!!
If you come from a long line of infidelity, then you know first hand what you are about to do to your children!! You know that you are about to shatter their world and their security; you are about to make them have issues in their own relationships and need therapy as they get older; you are about to make them feel like it's their fault and like they are unloved. Now, that other lady may be nice and such but what person is worth all that? Look into your little girl's eyes and tell me you can do that to her. Look into your little man, who trusts you and depends on you, and tell me that you can mess up his world like that. No. I sincerely believe you're better than that or you wouldn't be here. Please...stop yourself.
Nope on that regard you are 100% wrong. Now, don't get me wrong--it's possible that there will be other women who maybe have a personality type closer to yours or who has the same love language as yours...but whether you stay with your wife or go to another woman, the fact remains that rather than admitting your problems and facing them like adults and working to fix it, you would be running away. If you don't deal with the issues now, you'll just keep doing it to the next one and the next one and the next one.
So you say you have horrible communication with your wife. Why? Do you work long hours? Does she nag you? Do you talk to her like an attack dog? Does she criticize everything you do (including breathing)? You made a commitment to this woman--so rather than running away "when the going gets tough" I recommend that you tell her "Honey our communication is horrible and some of that is because I don't open up and talk to you. I keep it all inside and keep things buried and I need to learn to do better. I don't want to end up like all the other folks who divorce because I want to be a better man. So can we please learn how to communicate better?" See...communicating doesn't just mean that she stops nagging; it means that you have to open up to her and be honest with her about what's hurting you! It takes effort on your side too!
Here's what's wrong with it. You told your wife you would forsake all others for her. That means you volunteered to give her 100% of your affection and loyalty. Who is getting your affection right now: 100 flirty texts a day OW or 1 snarky text wife? Who is getting your loyalty right now: "I don't want to give her up" OW or "I don't mind breaking my vow" wife? What do you suppose would happen if, instead of sending 100 texts a day to your OW, you invested that same amount of THOUGHT and EFFORT and CARE into your wife? I can tell you what would happen: she would blossom like a flower!!!
So if you need to confide in someone, confide in your BEST FRIEND: your WIFE. If you need someone who understands what you're going through, turn to your wife. If you need someone to "just talk to", talk to your wife.
Now Gator, I'm going to conclude. Some part of you knows this is wrong and knows you should stop, or you wouldn't have come here. I know that it's wrong. You know that it's wrong. What do you tell your kids to do when they are doing the wrong thing? Keep doing it? Be stubborn and refuse to stop? NO. You tell them to admit they were wrong and say they are sorry. Right?
So you tell me. You're an adult, right? You should be more mature than children, right? What is the right thing to do here? YOU tell me. Do you need help doing the right thing? We are all here to help you with that!!! So come on--do the right thing for yourself, your wife, your kids, your marriage and your family. End the affair now, admit you were wrong and work with your wife to build a relationship that is so strong and loving that your kids will want to be JUST LIKE YOU.
I don't think you're a "bad" guy, just maybe not using the best judgement at the moment. When we're hurting, we often make bad decisions. If it goes bad, the world won't pay much attention to any hurt that compelled the bad decision, but they will always remember the poor choices you made. As bad as life feels right now, it can get worse and I suspect on your present course, it will.
I appreciate the advice. Its honest and to the point. It also stings but thats to be expected. In my defense, our second child and third child were actually twins.
I am mature enough to know that I have to make decisions thats best for me and my children. I know I need to be honest with my wife and I need to consider my wife's and children's needs when making any life changing decisions.
I know its prob not much better than cheating but we agreed not to take it any further than just talking. I come from a long line of infidelity (great grandpa, grandpa, father). Ive been through this as a child and do not want my children to go through with it.
As far as deciding to get married...I dont regret it. We took a risk and decided to get to know each other as a married couple. Our 'dating' was as a married couple. We gave it a shot and it didnt work. We both are not happy. We have horrible communication. I know I will not regret moving on from my wife. I know there is someone out there better for me and for her.
I dont see whats wrong with confiding with someone who is going through the same thing either. It gives me someone to talk to about it.
Boom! Jelly strikes again. Luv me some Jellybeans
So Gatorclan, in your defense you only knocked up a chick that you didn't love, not 3x's but only twice (since the 2nd pregnancy resulted in twins)...IMHO, that isn't a defense at all. You don't get a cookie or any solace for fathering children in a marriage that sounds like you believed it may work - it may not work- but lets give it a good old college try,and now putting your kids through divorce, and then try to downplay your bad decisions by saying "in my defense..."
Secondly, you are a married teacher that is "falling for" the married mother of a student at your school? Hmmm, me thinks you should concentrate more on your job.
The OW's husband is ALWAYS a control freak, physically abusive or emotionally abusive. Never heard of a single one say "yeah, he's awesome". They all need to be rescued and they all sing the same tune. It's all bull$hit. If her husband is such a control freak/potentially violent then why on earth would she risk being with you and subject herself to abuse? She wouldn't. She is a liar but you won't see that until you toss aside your wife and destroy your family.
Your marriage may be dead, but remember this, you tried dating when you had a young child, and then BOOM two more. Me and my husband had a baby and one on the way when we married, we were very much in love when we married, but I do feel that he felt pressured to get married sooner than he wanted to. He didn't feel pressured by me, but he said by my parents and "that it was the right thing to do," even though he proposed to me out of the blue, and agreed excitedly to a wedding date. I just didn't know that until years later, which hurt like hell. Having the young kids around made it very very hard to maintain our relationship, and then years fast forward, communication went to ****, and here I am, he went outside marriage 4 times, I once. There is no excuse for what I did, what he did and is continuing to do, zero.
I am glad you have come to the realization that you are having an EA, but are you really sure it's the end? Get some counseling, educate yourself, see if you're actually compatible as people, as friends, it could be salvaged. Not gonna be easy work, but the benefits far outweigh getting divorced, you can both walk away with knowing you tried, and really a win/win. If it didn't work out, your issues with each other are resolved, and it would be very amicable, and could very well end up with you two just being very good friends, which would be wonderful for the children.
Get rid of OW, focus on you and what you want, and the wife needs to do the same, I wish you luck.
Either divorce your current wife, or stop communication with other person. If you are not a "bad guy," you should also make this OP realize that it is not right for her to engage with other men while still married- even though she is unhappy. If you consider yourself a REAL friend to this person, in general, you'd do this.
Re: Unhappily married and falling for other woman 
. More of a chocolate guy, myself!
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at 
