Ok, so this is my first ever post. I am in a difficult spot in my life. I am basically a married guy falling for another woman (who is married). Let me give you some background info first:
My wife and I got married 6 years ago after only dating for 4 months. She was pregnant within the first month of our relationship. We decided to do the responsible thing and get married instead of continuing dating. We both knew it was a risk b/c we never really got to know each other. I basically made the commitment and hoped that we would fall in love as a married couple. Fast forward six years (and three kids) later, and I am utterly and completely unhappy. We are not in love and she is just as unhappy. We both know the end is inevitable but neither one of us want to make the first move. Now for the other woman:
I am a teacher. I am falling for one of my students' moms. She is married and has three kids herself. She is unhappily married and wants out of her marriage too. Her problem is two fold: 1) Finances prevents her from leaving him 2) He is a control freak and will make it very difficult for her to leave. We have been texting for weeks now and have grown closer (the best we can). We have not met up in person (outside of school functions), never been alone together, and never kissed or had any other physical contact. BAscally, there has not been any infidelity.
My problem is I really have strong feelings for her and cant get her out of my mind. I know I want nothing more than to be with her. I also know my marriage will end eventually, regardless of the outcome with this woman. Ive tried to convince myself that maybe i can stay married (and miserable) for my kids' sake but I have come to the conclusion that I cannot. Thats another topic in itself anyway! So my question is....what do I do? Ive never done anything like this before! Help!
This situation is a train-wreck waiting to happen. Think about the damage caused to your wife and children and the other woman's family as well if you carry on some secret affair, and it wont be secret for long.
If you are that unhappy, it is best to either seek marriage counselling, speak to your wife about how things could be improved, or separate. Do not get involved in this situation as it will cause no end of grief for all concerned.
You are cheating on your wife. And this is coming from someone else who cheated, so don't think I'm judging you. But you're investing your emotional efforts and energy into another relationship, rather than trying to fix your marriage.
Decide what to do about your marriage WITHOUT consideration for the other woman. Leave with your dignity and honor intact, if that's the right decision.
If you are criminally mind you may not have a problem, but if you do have a solid moral compass and it sound like you do or why else post..right.
You will feel like a crimanal and the happiness will be short lived..I'm talking hours here.
Do you really want to deal with more grap in your life? Keep it simple and put your big boy pants on and deal with the hard issue of divorce and then move on.
All good things don't come easy so take the hard road, not the easy road. I think if you understand this you will find your own happiness, and it will be real and long lasting.
You and others will go through a huge amount of pain, for a long time, if you continue.
Do everyone that cares a big favor and be honest. So if you love your self and care about the person that you want to be retink this BS and be true to who you want to be and how you want others to remember you by.
Pbear, I always love your advice. Straight and to the point
Originally Posted by Gatorclan3
I know I want nothing more than to be with her. So my question is....what do I do?
So get a divorce so you can be with her.
I could sit here and write about how it's already gone too far with OW since you've both confided in eachother about your awful marriages, you know enough about her to proclaim you're "falling for her" and you know her financial situation w/ her husband (which is why she won't leave him) and also that he is "controlling." And I could tell you how all the energy you put into romanticizing your relationship with OW is taking away from your own marriage. And how your wife prob doesn't know about any of this or all of the texts, and totally deserves to and how should wear a condom the next time you date someone only a month in so as to prevent things like babies and STDs. I could tell you that your entire post is the cliche for a disloyal spouse's "script" (the things all cheating spouses say) and how no matter how this shakes out, lots of people will get hurt: spouses, children, families, in-laws, colleagues, friends. Oh and I could also tell you how silly it is that you stuck around for six years with someone you never loved or "got to know", just because you happened to knock them up. That one is especially ...
But you already know all of this. When you think about it practically.
So I will tell you simply, if you really want to be with OW, get a divorce. Come clean to your wife about how miserable you feel, show her the texts, and tell her you only married her because you got her pregnant, that the last 6 yrs only happened because you felt obligated to stick around. Release her. Just don't lie to her.
I appreciate the advice. Its honest and to the point. It also stings but thats to be expected. In my defense, our second child and third child were actually twins.
I am mature enough to know that I have to make decisions thats best for me and my children. I know I need to be honest with my wife and I need to consider my wife's and children's needs when making any life changing decisions.
I know its prob not much better than cheating but we agreed not to take it any further than just talking. I come from a long line of infidelity (great grandpa, grandpa, father). Ive been through this as a child and do not want my children to go through with it.
As far as deciding to get married...I dont regret it. We took a risk and decided to get to know each other as a married couple. Our 'dating' was as a married couple. We gave it a shot and it didnt work. We both are not happy. We have horrible communication. I know I will not regret moving on from my wife. I know there is someone out there better for me and for her.
I dont see whats wrong with confiding with someone who is going through the same thing either. It gives me someone to talk to about it.
You begrudgingly entered a marriage and hoped you would fall in love, as if a lump of magic might fall upon you. Love is a daily choice and a failed marriage means two people have failed. The solution isn't to leap into another but to figure out where you went wrong, adjust fire, and learn to live as a healthy, happy, single Gatorclan. Later, once you've accomplished that, you might be ready to meet, date, and maybe even marry another healthy, available person. This other woman may be the one, but the timing and circumstances are wrong. You really don't want to bring residual adultary related drama to the place you collect your paychecks. If she finds her husband controlling, such an action-oriented person might be expected to come down to the school and wear his butt for a hat, making life unpleasant and maybe even hazardous for you. I've always avoided mingling romanceor sex with my career. Whether the romance goes north or south, I still have to pay bills. It'd be impossible for you to say your relationship had nothing to do with school because that's how met her and your only in-person contacts have been at school functions (so far). Seems very risky to me.
In my defense, our second child and third child were actually twins. .
Yes, because that makes everything better.
Originally Posted by Gatorclan3
I know its prob not much better than cheating but we agreed not to take it any further than just talking. I dont see whats wrong with confiding with someone who is going through the same thing either. It gives me someone to talk to about it.
Oh crap...I guess I am having an EA. No matter how I try to sugar coat it, it is what it is. Ok, I need to think this through and end it with the other woman. I am not a bad guy...I dont want to hurt my wife. Im just tired of being miserable.
Let the OW figure out her life, but you can't be the one she leans on. She should turn to family or friends if her husband is controlling or have her call a professional if it's a serious problem. However, if you offer her support and things don't work out between the two of you, then you'll feel beholden to her too. You married your wife out of a feeling of obligation, you don't want to feel obligated if you ever decide to remarry.
Focus on sorting out you and your wife. If she's equally unhappy, start figuring out an exit for both of you. Be honest and tell her you're developing feelings for someone, but you that you don't want to pursue anything since you're both married.
Agree with everyone that you're already cheating, it's just not physical. It sounds like you don't want to be unfaithful, but feel like you've made a mistake in marrying your wife. If this is how you feel, open up to your wife and be honest. Confide in her and trust that she can handle the truth.
You're not a bad person, you've just made some bad decisions. You can start making some good ones now, but you have to let the OW make her own. Make sure she knows that even if you get divorced, it doesn't mean the two of you are a "sure thing". Don't bind yourself to someone else again before you really know them.
Want to add that the OW could be "rewriting" history by talking to you. She feels an attraction and is starting to see your grass as greener. It's possible her H is not as bad as she's making him sound. Odds are, unless he's abusive, their problems can be resolved through marriage counseling. Having you as an option is taking her attention away on rebuilding and fixing her own dying marriage.
It sounds like your marriage is already dead, so confiding in each other is helping to kill off hers even faster.