I'm now about 12 days past D-day and just read in another thread that cheaters follow a certain script once discovered. I just wondered if what I'm experiencing is following that script.
After the discovery I demanded that she break off all contact (at that point it was no longer a pa but only an ea). We had been in counseling for over two months and had not been getting anywhere. She was disconnected, emotionally checked out and just not available.
We called the OM together and she told him that I had found out and that it had to be over. I spoke with him as well and asked him to stay away as we try to fix this.
Since then she has been very open and affectionate, our physical relationship has been better than it ever was and we are talking/im'ing/texting constantly all day. We've had numerous conversations about the affair.
I haven't done the 180 that people talk about, mostly because she has been trying very hard to be there. However, I have been unyielding in how quickly the divorce would occur if she resumes communication of any kind. In one of our talks, she was stunned to learn that I had already scouted apartments, checked our finances and gotten a referral for a good attorney. She was more surprised to learn that I had forwarded copies of all the e-mails they sent one another to my own personal account.
We are connecting better than we have for many years and I truly want to believe that we have turned a corner. But when I read posts that say the ws will resume contact with the om within 12-18 months of the affair I get worried that I am being naive.
What is this script that was referred to and how can I be sure that what I'm experiencing is genuine and not me being taken for a ride?
I think what you report is good, you can't fake emotional connection. You just have to be on your toes and ensure you get to the bottom of your marital issues. If you don't get to the underlying issues then it could happen months or even years down the line. Posted via Mobile Device
My God this is exactly what happened with us. Your 12 days for us is 20 days. I'm 8 days ahead of you - so you should listen.
Things went very well into day 18. Day 19 (yesterday) we took many steps back. She said that things were "backing up on her", and that she really just needed to send the OM one final email to say everything she didn't get to say. To get "closure". She "knows herself, despite what the books and your bloggers say", and "I really need this to move on."
I felt like we were right back at D Day. Things were better this morning, I held firm. She relented. The lesson here is that the urge to resume contact is a force more powerful than just about anything you can imagine.
Men and woman behave differently and a lot depends on the depth of feeling and time duration of the affair , until they are fully out of the emotional state there is a high risk of the affair restarting. All it requires is one or the other to make contact and the clock is set back to the beginning.
Woman tend to be more emotionally involved so the withdrawal can be more difficult . Assume that they are mopping , they are looking for or hoping for contact. It can take months before the endorphins to bleed out of the system and any items that are triggers should be removed , avoided or changed. Triggers range from pictures, common friends with the OM or OW ( if they have continue the friendship) , places, clothes , lipstick or nail varnish etc.
A BS must never trust the former wicked spouse again no matter how much they change, the unconditional trust is gone as they have proven they are very capable of adultery. Posted via Mobile Device
Struggling,
You handled that great. Now it is time to take a hard look in
The mirror and ask yourself what you can do to retain that
Passion love you both want. Go read a bunch of BBW posts.
Go to marriedmansexlife site. It will be good for YOU.....
StrugglingMan;330096]I'm now about 12 days past D-day and just read in another thread that cheaters follow a certain script once discovered. I just wondered if what I'm experiencing is following that script.
After the discovery I demanded that she break off all contact (at that point it was no longer a pa but only an ea). We had been in counseling for over two months and had not been getting anywhere. She was disconnected, emotionally checked out and just not available.
We called the OM together and she told him that I had found out and that it had to be over. I spoke with him as well and asked him to stay away as we try to fix this.
Since then she has been very open and affectionate, our physical relationship has been better than it ever was and we are talking/im'ing/texting constantly all day. We've had numerous conversations about the affair.
I haven't done the 180 that people talk about, mostly because she has been trying very hard to be there. However, I have been unyielding in how quickly the divorce would occur if she resumes communication of any kind. In one of our talks, she was stunned to learn that I had already scouted apartments, checked our finances and gotten a referral for a good attorney. She was more surprised to learn that I had forwarded copies of all the e-mails they sent one another to my own personal account.
We are connecting better than we have for many years and I truly want to believe that we have turned a corner. But when I read posts that say the ws will resume contact with the om within 12-18 months of the affair I get worried that I am being naive.
What is this script that was referred to and how can I be sure that what I'm experiencing is genuine and not me being taken for a ride?[/QUOTE] Posted via Mobile Device
This whole process, if it plays out to a R.---takes 2 to 5 yrs---
You are gonna go thru many stages---these are YOUR stages only---and if the R---is to work---she MUST continue to do all the heavy lifting
Do not come on as a Mr. nice guy---or be lovey--dovey so quickly---she has to have ACCOUNTABILITY---you cannot be soft--in your dealings, or she will, do this again, if she perceives you to be weak, and she thinks she can get away with what she has done
You will play this out to suit your own tastes---but remember one thing---your wife took another man to her---and I don't know about you---but that is a very tuff thing for your Sub-Conscious to handle
Also your wife has her own agenda, and very probably she will work like H*LL, just to avoid being dumped out into the big bad world, as a single divorced woman/mother---who has cheated on her H.---That just doesn't get her many decent guys---and she knows it----also she knows--living by herself on her own---is much tougher than being a married couple, who take care of each other----tho right now, she hasn't done much for you except to wreck your soul, and stab your heart
Ok, I feel a little better thanks all. I do feel the emotional connection is genuine and I do think we have turned a corner. But I will be vigilant and wary and not completely trust again. We have a few challenges coming up w/business trips and what-not, but we will get through them as best we can.
Is there accountability---you cannot just let her back in----WHY you want to know---cuz she will do it again---if she thinks she can get away with it
You say based on your situation---I am wrong---you need to read, and read as much as you can------To see that successful R's are based on the waywards fear of you actually following thru with your threats, --If she strayed once---why not again---especially if you just take her back
Right now she may fear your words---with time, SHE WILL NOT FEAR YOUR WORDS, and believe me---I promise you this---The OM---has not left her---he is still locked in her conscious very firmly----A's just don't end cold-turkey
Is this just part of the script 
