Never ending divorce; gambling & affair. Help!

dadda11o · 05-27-2011, 01:22 PM

My husband filed for divorce in October after I discovered he's having an affair. He tried to scare me out of the house; I didn't leave. I received provisional order to remain here in November. He has to pay bills. I requested mediation through my attorney; his would not present a property settlement. Husband wants me to move out (take my personal possessions) and take most of the bills . I told him I would take the bills he is claiming are mine IF he pays for what is on my credit cards of his.

He recently filed request for hearing alleging I am abusing our 17yo daughter (second or third time he's done this), destroying the house, etc. During the beginning of the divorce, I discovered he's been gambling away and/or hiding about $10,000 a year. I also discovered that we owe about $5,000 less than when we bought this house in 1998-it should be way paid down. Found refi's I didn't know about.

We were previously divorced in 2000. Basically, he'd convinced me I was crazy. He defrauded me in terms of property settlement, tried to get me out of our children's lives and so on. I got an attorney and in 2004, after becoming more assertive and cognizant of what rights I have, he changed his tune and started complying. In later 2005, he asked me to remarry him. It seemed some of the changes he'd made were holding, so I moved back. Things were calm and he was acting reasonable and loving to all. The major problems seemed to focus around daughters' loss of trust from previous divorce.

We were making plans to remarry, then he had a heart attack in 2009. We finally married in 2010, having to squeeze it in between medical treatments he had. Then his affair started a couple months after that. We have a 17 & 18 year old. I've made efforts to reconcile; he pretended but I find out he's still in thick with the other woman.

This guy is trying to have our daughters spy on me; he had our youngest write to the Court and was trying to have our eldest testify against me that I stole money from him.

He will yell at me & threaten; his OW has (secretly) written to our kids, sent gift cards. Any mention I make of the situation throws them into hysterics. He told me that he's going to try to have me arrested because the way he sees it, if I lose custody of our daughter, I have no right to be in the house. I have to ask what happens when she turns 18; both our children live here, they are easily manipulated by their father and blame me as much or more than him. I became depressed and got PTSD after he started in on me before our previous divorce. I never had any mental health problems prior to our marriage. After I left, I slowly but surely started improving.

The main thing I feel that my daughters and I need is for his raging and threatening/manipulative behaviors to stop. Or to be able to communicate to my daughters that, yes, I wasn't perfect, but your father has some problems and they are hurting all of us. He's called them some choice things (c**t), but they "forgive" him. I'm sure they cope the best they can.

BTW, I would just leave, but thanks to the attorney fees I was forced into from the last divorce and other costs, I have a debt load I wish I didn't. I've been trying to pay that down. Checked with lender, if I can increase my income and decrease the debt, I might be able to swing modest purchase. There aren't many rentals around here and I doubt our kids would agree to leave area, so if it weren't for more attorney fees and counseling starting up again, I might be able to see a light-as it stands, I'm being held hostage, unless I'm willing to walk out with less than nothing and give him what he's asked for. Any thoughts?

Pit-of-my-stomach · 05-27-2011, 03:05 PM

I'm very sorry your here and going through this (again?). I'm even more sorry for your children.

If they have been going through these nuclear mommy/daddy drama bombs for years now, they are likely permanantly emotionally handicapped and ear marked for disfunctional relationships en masse.

I'm not insulting you, I hope it didnt come off like that. Obviously this sucks for you (again). I'm just saddened by the fallout of this extended trainwreck on your children.

But really, what thoughts are you looking for?

dadda11o · 05-27-2011, 07:46 PM

I'm trying to keep the lines of communication open, plus keep the truth out there. Our daughters made a lot of progress before this came up. Before I realized the truth, I was phoning the hospital and talking with his doctors about his mood swings and temper outbursts-I thought it might be related to some of his meds, not keeping secrets. A depression inventory he took shortly before he took off showed severe depression. Apparently the relationship is energizing him.
I don't think he was expecting to get caught-that was a fluke. He came back from a weekend with OW and acted like I was in the wrong for the way I was acting. I've let the kids know they can see a counselor, but I haven't pushed it. I've tried to make sure I'm here if they want to talk. I've noticed they get VERY upset if I bring up the divorce, the OW in any way. So I don't.
I realized, after the fact, that last summer, he was actually picking fights with me. I was surprisingly able to keep my cool, maybe because I thought it had to do with his health. We had some arguments, though. He has also spent time with us and demonstrated the ability to get along with me just fine, so much so that our daughters were more relaxed than I've seen them in a long time. So he CAN, he's choosing not to...
So any thoughts on how to handle this betrayal with them...I don't want to badmouth, but don't want to take blame that's not mine. I'm fairly certain a psychologically healthy man would not be having an affair with a married woman and planning to destroy two families for their own selfish pleasure. Say nothing? Let our children take the lead? I haven't found a lot of info on this. I'm sure there were still unresolved issues from our past, but up until he met this woman, it was "normal" arguments or whatever. Nothing out of hand, no thoughts of divorce. Never had a reason before this to think he's engaged in an affair.