Wife shows me very little affection/attention after affair?
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Old 05-27-2011, 10:02 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife shows me very little affection/attention after affair?

Ok my wife just got out of an 8 month affair and I am 99% sure she has not contacted him in any way for over 2 months. She ended it over 2 months ago in front of me and I have kept a close eye on EVERYTHING ever since. We have been married for nearly 14 years and I didn't show her that I loved her or give her attention like I should have for several of those years which is part of the reason she strayed and I know this and accept it but I have thrown everything I've got into our marriage since I found out about the affair and have given her attention/affection and do little things all the time to show her that I love her. We never seperated and I finally won her back a little over 2 months ago and successsfully got her to end her affair and stay in the marriage. She always easily showed me affection and attention prior to her affair but now it seems to be very rare if at all that she shows me affection or attention in the "little ways" if you understand what I am trying to say. I mean she kisses me and tells me she loves me and things like that but she doesn't seem to do the "little things" out of the blue like pick up dinner, buy me a card, or text me out of the blue to show me she loves me anymore. We are having sex but not as often as I feel we should be but she is having some female issues and seeing a doctor about that so that's besides the point.
I just feel like if she really wants me and wants us to work she would be showing me more now than before but she's not. I mean she sent this guy texts all the time that she was thinking about him and did little things like that but she doesn't do those things for me at the time being. Should i just give her more time or should I be worried she is having second thoughts? She had never cheated on me before this was the only time and in the back of my mind I seen it coming with the way I was acting and not being the husband of was capable of being. I am just scared and worried with the way she is not showing me. I do see where it could take some time but in my mind and if it were me and the roles were reversed I would be trying with everything I had to show her that I wanted it to work and that I had made a mistake and I would be showing her all the time. I guess what I am saying is I am getting the words but not the actions. Thanks for your input....
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Old 05-27-2011, 10:29 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife shows me very little affection/attention after affair?

Yes action speak loader then words and even though this was a very emotional affair, her communication is a must.
Granted breaking up is hard to do, but the bottom line is #1 why she stepped out. It sound like you understand this, but just like the OM ...you need to treat her like a women not a wife.

It is true that we can be to nice to them, but in the same breath we have to make a change that makes them attractive to us. Its a balance that you have not found. So mix it up.

For me I found it helpful in what made my W pick the OM. It was tough as sh*t to hear but it was the thing that helped me mix it up.
Something about being confident and not so much a push over. For me I found a balance of not being so nice but when I was it was something that my wife didn't expect.

Some times being the pu@@y whipped guy that will do anything doesn't work but a letter/text about how much you want her works....IDK everyones different, but the point is you...we need to mix it up. Especially when they get up set, sometime you just have to shut them up and tell them you have it under control.
Its hard but my point is there is a balance that you have to keep working on and when you see it work stick with it. The trick is finding that "new button" that you push and they just want more of it.
It's work!

Its odd, but chicks want what they can't have, but in the same breath you don't want to push her away.

It seems she is remorseful and a little more alpha male might help?

I just don't know what will work for you, but for me it was about mixing it up and showing the confidence in that I can get any chick, but I choose to keep my wife. My wife saw this and stepped up and did the heavy lifting that I needed to stick around.

I have a feeling that you wife thinks you will always be around no matter how she treats you, but thats just me and my $0.02
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Old 05-28-2011, 12:14 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife shows me very little affection/attention after affair?

Did she ever sit you down and forcefully attempt to get you to look at the issues in the mge, that were bothering her---Did you ever really address/talk about/communicate with each other about your mge????

You put her in a corner---and tho what she did was wrong, and she has to accept 100% blame for what she did---you did drive her into that corner---and you accept that

You are now complaining about being "dissed"---she dissed you in the A., now she is dissing you cuz you have done a complete reversal, and are acting like a doormat

The betrayed H---does not do everything, and anything to win the wife back into the mge---it is the wife---that has to earn her way back into the mge, with her own contriteness, remorse, and heavy lifting----you are basically sweeping this under the rug---she knows it, so why should she treat you with any respect?????
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Old 05-28-2011, 12:53 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife shows me very little affection/attention after affair?

"I finally won her back..."- Should she be the one that tries winning YOU over?
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Old 05-28-2011, 01:39 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife shows me very little affection/attention after affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ahhhmaaaan! View Post
"I finally won her back..."- Should she be the one that tries winning YOU over?
what he said...

i thnk if your trying to reconcille after the affair you have 2 steps to work on...she works on reconcilliation, you both work on marriage...she needs to show some kind of initiative, i think thatll help you regain some confidence after thisan dbuild you to the point where the guy said, you can "man up"

i look forward to the day my wife and i can ge to that..except for the man up part..im already working on that
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Old 05-28-2011, 09:09 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Lightbulb "...but thats besides the pt" NOT!

but she is having some female issues and seeing a doctor about that...."---aaaahhhhman.

maybe u better look into those "issues" u may not like what they portend/are. hopefully their nothing but if u stick yer
head in the sand u r missing out on possible truth.

i aint declaring what they r or could be; dont wanna go there.

Besides this/that, i think its possible for u to be right on the $$
as in "somethings missing/wrong" with yer rel'shp & yer gut is
telling ya so. ding ding.

its also possible u r oversensitive now that her A has been/
is exposed. yes i said "is" for a reason; it could still be ongoing
in many diff ways/means as its "taken on a life of its own."

also as others here have alluded to, u dont sound as if u r
holding the "steering wheel" or "whip" or "upper hand" in this
matter with yer W. She should be shouldering most of the
load of anybody winning anyone back. uhm, yer words not mine
remember.

consciously or not shes noticed yer "need" yer "desperation"
as it were in patching things up. not good. not good.
at least not for what u r saying u want outta this rel'shp.

i'm not u, or there to see/feel/hear etc what u see. so its hard
to say based just on what u write here. its been a common
problem here at TAM for all parties to get this form of
communication "right" sometimes in telling and perceiving a
story. so do be specific on major pts/issues please so as to
avoid any misunderstandings by "us".

shalom..........
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Old 05-28-2011, 09:31 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife shows me very little affection/attention after affair?

If she was in love with the om, her affections will not just bounce back to you in his absence. And that would work the same way if your positions were reversed. You don't just snap your fingers and fall out of love. It is a process. You will have to remain patient. I do think that means you have to back off a little to give her space to come forward. She is probably also feeling a lot of mixed guilt and anger. Guilt over what she has done and anger at you for not being more loving before this disastrous situation took place.

Counselling might help to hash out the residue. This is complicated stuff to work through. Ending the affair is just the first step.

Good luck. Be patient. And once in a while, do something to sweep her off her feet and take her breath away.
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Old 05-28-2011, 09:39 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife shows me very little affection/attention after affair?

She's mourning the loss of the OM, and you're too needy for her to deal with both at once. She's gotta want to do the heavy work here. If you're doing it, she won't respect or need you the way you want her to. Back off, man up, monitor MORE (high likelihood statistically that the A continues or is 'on hold', but deeper underground in less-detectable ways).
I kinda feel more of a 180 is in order -- you can't make her want to do this; she's got to deciee to, but like cb45 says we are not there experiencing what you are to really know. Absent a real 180, how about just talking to her and letting her know what you're seeing in actions, and how it challenges you emotionally that maybe she's not fully in this to win?
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Old 05-28-2011, 09:57 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife shows me very little affection/attention after affair?

But still be patient. She can't just flip a switch. It is a process.
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Old 05-28-2011, 04:08 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife shows me very little affection/attention after affair?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ClipClop View Post
But still be patient. She can't just flip a switch. It is a process.
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Old 05-28-2011, 04:26 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: "...but thats besides the pt" NOT!

Quote:
Originally Posted by cb45 View Post
but she is having some female issues and seeing a doctor about that...."---aaaahhhhman.

maybe u better look into those "issues" u may not like what they portend/are. hopefully their nothing but if u stick yer
head in the sand u r missing out on possible truth.

i aint declaring what they r or could be; dont wanna go there.

Besides this/that, i think its possible for u to be right on the $$
as in "somethings missing/wrong" with yer rel'shp & yer gut is
telling ya so. ding ding.

its also possible u r oversensitive now that her A has been/
is exposed. yes i said "is" for a reason; it could still be ongoing
in many diff ways/means as its "taken on a life of its own."

also as others here have alluded to, u dont sound as if u r
holding the "steering wheel" or "whip" or "upper hand" in this
matter with yer W. She should be shouldering most of the
load of anybody winning anyone back. uhm, yer words not mine
remember.

consciously or not shes noticed yer "need" yer "desperation"
as it were in patching things up. not good. not good.
at least not for what u r saying u want outta this rel'shp.

i'm not u, or there to see/feel/hear etc what u see. so its hard
to say based just on what u write here. its been a common
problem here at TAM for all parties to get this form of
communication "right" sometimes in telling and perceiving a
story. so do be specific on major pts/issues please so as to
avoid any misunderstandings by "us".

shalom..........
Be part of the consuktation with the doctor. If she does not want you there, you have a huge red flag.
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Old 05-28-2011, 04:31 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife shows me very little affection/attention after affair?

I am going to throw this out there....Fog.....may I suggest a 180 and sort of a modified plan a, you don't want to completely put yourself out there, I did, and BOOM, I got my ass kicked, but pull back a bit. Show her you are the better choice.
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Old 05-28-2011, 06:51 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife shows me very little affection/attention after affair?

smileyjay, I had to read your other threads to get your whole story, and I have to say that the affair is still ongoing. There is usually a mourning period that the WS goes through after an affair, but not after at least six months! Your wife didn't just get out of an affair, you said back in December that she has been out of the affair for only a month. From your other thread back in September:

Quote:
Originally Posted by smileyjay View Post
Ok where to start... Well my wife has been having an affair for the past 2 months, I just found out about 3 weeks ago. She just started a new job 2 months ago and had been talking to this guy over the phone about the job and then one thing led to another and they started having an affair. It started out as attention and led to physical.
So I see that the OM is a coworker and the affair went to a PA. Then you wrote:

Quote:
Originally Posted by smileyjay View Post
I have forgave her and she says she has cut all ties to this guy but she is still working there. I have asked her to quit and she refuses so I feel they are still talking some whether she is still in the affair or that she is trying to cut the ties I don't know, she says she doesn't want to hurt him even though he has nearly destroyed our marriage.
She refused to quit the job, AND she didn't want to stop the A for fear of hurting the OM? Is this correct? Methinks you're putting too much blame on the OM than your WW. Who starts an affair almost immediately after starting work? A person looking for an affair, that's who. Or at least one who has VERY loose boundaries. Then in December you wrote:

Quote:
Originally Posted by smileyjay View Post
Ok it's been 5 months since the affair started and it has been ended for about a month. My DS wife says she loves me but she still is not in love with me. She says it's getting better each day but still not to the point where she is in love with me again. She also will not make love to me. She says sex doesn't mean that much to her, actions do.
Even after the affair is supposedly over for a month, you still get the standard WS saying ILYBINILWY speech. So by your reckoning the A supposedly ended in November by your timeline. With your WW still denying you sex and affection. You know that it's typical for a WS not to have sex with their spouse because they are still in the fog and because they want to be faithful to their lover.

Since you have not mentioned anything about her job or the OM, I assume that she still works there and OM is still her coworker, so that means they still have contact at work, am I correct? And now you wrote:

Quote:
Originally Posted by smileyjay View Post
I am 99% sure she has not contacted him in any way for over 2 months. She ended it over 2 months ago in front of me and I have kept a close eye on EVERYTHING ever since.
So this indicates that she broke NC with OM in February or March after the A was supposedly over back in September and December when you last posted. You say you are keeping an eye on everything, does that mean you are monitoring the computers via keylogger and watching the cell phone bills? Typically during an A, cheaters will take the A underground after they have been exposed. Two typical tools cheaters use are the secret email account and the secret cell phone. You haven't said if the OM is married or not. Have you exposed the A to his wife or girlfriend if he has one? Since they are coworkers, how do you even know that she hasn't broken NC? Have you used a VAR to see if she has a secret cell phone?

Quote:
Originally Posted by smileyjay View Post
We never seperated and I finally won her back a little over 2 months ago and successsfully got her to end her affair and stay in the marriage.
Now this I have a question about. If you've been reading here and other places long enough, we as BSs CANNOT win them back or force them to stop their A. They have to want to stop the A, and you usually cannot compete with OM because you are competing with a fantasy.

These are the facts as I see it based on what little information you have posted back in September, December, and now May.

1. Your WW started her job back in July 2010. Her OM is her coworker and she immediately starts an affair which you find out in August. She has withdrawn from you emotionally and sexually.

2. Your DDay is in September and she gives you the standard ILYBINILWY speech, so you immediately forgive her and start working on your own shortcomings. You try to win her back. This is typical BS fog from the initial SHock/Denial/Survival Mode stage. She is still withdrawn from you emotionally and sexually.

3. In December you say that the affair has been ended for about a month, and AGAIN you get the ILYBINILWY speech. Again, she is still withdrawn from you emotionally and sexually.

4. Now in May, you say she ended it in February or March after obviously breaking NC. Yet she is still withdrawn from you emotionally and sexually.

One can conclude that she is still in the FOG, and that the A is still ongoing, possibly underground by other means and possibly at work since the OM is a coworker. But it's hard to say when you only post once in September and December and now with very little follow up. Please give more details.

Last edited by lordmayhem; 05-28-2011 at 07:21 PM. Reason: spelling
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Old 05-28-2011, 08:41 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife shows me very little affection/attention after affair?

Ok sorry for being so vague and thank you so much for taking the interest and time to research my situation. Let me clear some things up. I haven't posted on here unless I get "stumped" so I haven't posted every single thing that has happened.
First she did quit her job at the first of November and from Nov. through the end of Feb. I believe was her time of "getting over" the other guy emotionally and detaching. And don't get me wrong, we are having sex and we are emotionally attaching but just not as fast as I would expect someone who wants me and our marriage as bad as she says. When I threatened to leave on 2 occassions since this all started (in the past 4 months) she has went totally hysterical and screaming and crying and begging me to not leave unlike I have never seen her act and says that we were meant for each other and we can get through this and that we are stronger than this.
As far as the female problems, yes they are true I have been to the dr. with her and they have been going on and off for years they have just came back recently in the past year. There is proof in the trash, etc. etc. so I KNOW for a fact that part is true.
Anyways after she ended the affair in front of me and we started to connect again we were physical and everything was fine and had been going fairly good until I noticed that she never does any of "the little things" to show me she loves me like give me a card or send me a text out of the blue telling me she misses me or loves me. So that is why I am posting on here now, should I expect those things this soon or should I give it some time. I mean it is also a shock to her for me to show her appreciation and affection and love because I used to not do that very often.
I mean this affair really got my attention and helped me realize where I was failing in our marriage and helped me work on that and be a better husband.
My worries are not that she is contacting him again because like I said I am 99% sure she isn't (yes I am monitoring). My concerns are is she having second thoughts or is she going through the process of getting over him and what she has done.
She has also changed her cell phone number and our home phone number because when she ended it he kept burning her phone and even our home phon up. I know she could have another phone for $20 and I know she could have done all this to try to cover it up, but I just don't think so or feel it.
Another thing that makes me think the A is over is she would not talk to her best friend and another mutual friend while the A was going on because she said she would not lie to them anymore, and now she talks to them frequently and for long periods of time so that is another indicator to me that it is over.
My hunch is she is going through the process but I am starving for affection and attention like she gave him and it is really getting to me. She used to do it all the time and I took it for granted and really could have cared less because deep down I already knew she loved me, now after all this I realize I do need those things and her attention and affection and the little things. Any more input is greatly appreciated guys and gals and thank each and every one of you for your time and thoughts and input, I really appreciate it!
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Old 05-28-2011, 09:18 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife shows me very little affection/attention after affair?

Don't get paranoid about her physical issues. Give her time. Trust your gut. Just know it isn't as easy.as anyone would hope.
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