Runs like Dog

Drunk mothers, cheating wives, conspiracy sisters? Holy Moly they've had a great laugh at your expense. And for a long time. What a bunch.

RestlessInGeorgia

I agree. The sad thing is, her family is what I would describe as trailer trash. She seemed different from all of them when we were dating. She had goals in life and has gone to college to better herself. Hell, she's a nurse and makes decent money. I guess I was just very deceived.

kenmoore14217

I agree with FMW, there is more truth to come out!! Push strongly for the poly

RestlessInGeorgia

I have no idea what I was thinking when I sent her to stay at his house. At the time, he was in a committed relationship as well, he wasn't married though. I guess it was youthful stupidity at the time. I have known it was a mistake for years. I just found out the truth of why it was a mistake. And, I do plan on going through with the polygraph test. I also plan to have one done on myself for her. I want the entire truth of our life together to be laid out in black and white. She has accused me of cheating, probably out of her own guilt. I want her to know once and for all that I never touched another woman besides her, the entire time we have been together. I was put in a situation twice where I could have, but backed out at the last second. I have told her about both of these instances, because even getting to that point made me feel guilty. I also want to know once and for all how many men she has actually had an affair with.

RestlessInGeorgia

After I confronted her, through text message, about having actually slept with him twice, she said she would pack her things and leave tonight after she got off of work. I'm still not sure that I want her to leave. I really don't know what I want. I need the results of a polygraph to figure it out once and for all.

alphaomega

Restless,

Does a polygraph matter? Two times, four, one hundred. Does that really change anything?

OK. So, ask yourself, and think hard....Do you want to keep the marriage? If not, thats fine. No one will judge you.

If you do...then...

1. Stop being so lovey and accomadating. If you are too lovey right now, what happens is that you give the impression that you will sweep this under the rug, without her doing the heavy lifting. This is not a good way to instill the respect you need.

2. Call up the OM. Tell him he is NEVER allowed to call, text, come by the house, anything, ever again.

3. Call up the in-law mother. Ask her how long she knew about the affair. Ask her why she didn't feel the need to tell you. It's obvious that she holds little respect for you either. Tell her she is not allowed in your family home ever again until you decide otherwise. She needs to respect you. Her behavior enabled your wife, in a way, in giving the impression that her infidelity was not that big a deal.

4. This is the biggest issue. Now, mostly what you did so far was excellent, like showing your personal boundaries, but some of the things your are doing are not so great....not bad...but not great.
Make her sleep on the couch for a while. Why? Because you are pissed. And your marital bed is only for your marriage partner, someone that is committed fully to the marriage. Until she shows you she is, it's couch time.

She wants to move out tonight. Fine. This is a ploy to see if you will cave. My response would be..."Well, I'm willing to allow you to work on this marriage, but if you just want to leave and not fully commit to repairing this relationship, then fine. Your free to go."
Dollars for donuts she wont bail. This is a type of fitness test.

Next. Don't be so available. Pick two nights a week, maybe three, whatever, to go hang out with the guys and do manly things. That is, if you aren't already. Go to the gym. Go shoot big guns. Do yoga. Whatever. Doesn't matter. Start focusing on you. This is important. You need to work on yourself, and get some independence back in your personality if you feel that you lost WAY TOO MUCH of it in your marriage, in that you focused only on her needs all the time, gave them priority, and let yours slip. I'm not sure if this is your case, but if it is, stop. Your needs are just as important as hers. They make you..well...you. They also make you a better man. Focus on you. Get stronger. Be manly. Stop focusing all your attention on her all the time if that is the case.

Ok. So...if she stays. Then ask her if she's committed and will work on the relationship. She needs to carry the weight here.
Don't give yourself a polygraph. You did nothing wrong. And you don't have to prove anything to her. Keep it at that. Besides, that's not going to win her back, if that's your plan.

Is that your plan? If so, there's more you need to do. If yes, then you are portraying too many Nice Guy traits. Go to the Mens Forum and read the sticky on Manning Up and Nice Guys. It's not your job to "win" her back. You are deserving of respect, and you are a catch. If she can't see that, then that's her problem. There are literally thousands of women out there that would be happy to be with you.

Good luck, friend! It's going to be a hard road.

RestlessInGeorgia

I must have made it sound like her mother was aware of the affair. This isn't the case, or as far as I know isn't. My wife was trying to set her cousin up with this guy yesterday. I don't believe she is still having an affair with him anymore at this point. As far as another man, who knows, I don't. The messages between my wife and the OM supported that she was trying to set her cousin up with him. Her mom was a little drunk and found it funny that he was joking about how small his **** was in the text messages. My wife must have read that message aloud. My wife was the one that responded to him and told him he didn't have a small ****. I'm pretty sure her mother wasn't aware of the response.

I have to agree about the, "let her sleep on the couch". I guess I was a little too soft on that. I am going to make her aware that she needs to sleep there until I have decided to forgive her and she has committed herself to me again.

I also agree that the "I will pack my things when I get off of work" is a ploy to see if I'll cave. I told her already that I wasn't sure whether I wanted her to stay or leave, but if she decides to, then that's her choice and I will go see an attorney tomorrow to file for divorce.

I do try to focus on being an attentive husband. Sometimes I can be an @$$hole, but I'm sure every man has that capability, just like every woman has the capability to be *****y. I don't rightly know of anything I ever did to deserve "this" though. I will stop pandering to her so much. I also need to go and hang out with friends more often. That's something that suffered a lot while we have been married. We are pretty much stuck up each others hind end when we are off of work.

I think I agree with you on the polygraph. There's nothing I need to prove. I didn't do anything wrong to begin with. And, there really is no need for it with her because I've already discovered she is a liar and paying for a polygraph to back that up is just a waste of money that may be needed for an attorney. The only reason I would want to know about other men is so that I can be tested for STD's. Which I'm going to have done regardless.

I'm just not sure I want to forgive her at this point. I'm not too sure I want to even continue being married to her. I will forgive her one day, for myself, regardless of whether we stay married or not.

Pit-of-my-stomach

I suspect once the eye of the sh1tstorm of emotions passes over you are going to be able to take a hard look at the situation and assess the damage. Looks "totaled" from here... The cost of rebuilding is far greater than the value you will ever get out it, it's junk, built on a faultline.

__________________
Never say Never- The Fog
4 No0bs

workindad

You need more information at this point. I doubt you have the whole picture yet.

She seems awful quick to want to pack her bags and go??? She either wants out or is trying to play you for a pass on this one.


Whatever you do, don't send her off to another male friend's house while you figure out what you want. Figure out what you want first, then if you decide you want to be rid her... then send her packing.

Best of luck.

ahhhmaaaan!

"I really don't have it in me to be an ******* right now."- This is your problem- You're too damn nice. You need to keep her on her toes by being a little more apprehensive about the situation. I find it kind of odd that she would actually leave just like that, without begging for forgiveness, or trying her damn hardest to convince you of her remorse. I don't know about this one.

ClipClop

If she can't face him and her shame it might explain it. There are also people who just give up. If she is generally beta, I can see her leaving.
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ShootMePlz!

One thing that struck me was that this event happened 6-7 years ago but she somehow remembered that he didn't have a small "Tool"!!! Look she remained friends with this guy!!! That says alot right there!!!

Also as a 20 year retired vet..... the military won't put him jail for screwing a non-military members spouse but it could effect his rating and ability to re-enlist. If it were a military members wife then he would be crushed!!! But it still should scare the crap out of him.

ClipClop

So she remembered his size. I remember guys from 20 years ago. And unless someone EA reAlly memorable for being far on either edge of the spectrum. It OS reasonable to.conclude they were just fine no matter bow long ago or vague your memory. Further how many friends would you say you tell them they are right. You are small
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lordmayhem

I have to say, the whole marriage has been a lie from the beginning. When one spouse cheats in the FIRST year of marriage, it taints the whole marriage. And supposedly over ONE argument and she fu#ks this guy? He obviously didn't rape her. She chose to have sex with this guy, so she was obviously attracted to him before she married you and vice versa.

Remember the Trickle Truth. You have only discovered the tip of the iceberg. And don't believe the OM just because he said so. He won't confess to you, and I don't care if he's in the military or not. All you have is basically his word and your WWs word, not hard evidence that would stand as evidence in an Article 15, much less a court martial. From the way she has been guarding her phone from you, it's obvious the affair has been ongoing, whether or not they slept 2 times or a hundred times.

And yes, your wife is in a Long Term Affair (LTA), and this has been going on for 7 years, the entire length of your marriage. Maybe it went from a PA to an EA, but it's still cheating. And you don't even know when the last time she had sex with this guy. You have to remember that she's kept this a secret from you for 7 years. It's been more than once or twice.

Either way, you are still in the initial shock/denial/survival mode. At this point, you feel like you love her so much you are willing to do anything to forgive her and save the marraige. You will probably hit your Anger stage in the next couple of months and you will wonder why the hell are you staying with her. In the meantime, you are going to be on this emotional roller coaster.

Follow the advice above. Have her send the NC letter ASAP. Install computer monitoring software on the computer and her phone if possible. Get a VAR, and be prepared to monitor her. There may be a secret email account and secret cell phone. You have to know for certain if the A is still ongoing, and if she breaks NC.

She must be totally transparent with all passwords to all accounts, cell phones, emails. If she isn't and insists its an invasion of privace, let her know that you now have EVERY RIGHT since she has seriously damaged the marriage. If she doesn't do so willingly, then she is not remorseful and not ready to R.

Get tested for STDs, there's always the possibility she has gotten something, and no, don't believe her if she says they used protection. They almost always never do.

Polygraph her if you can afford it. If you decide to R, you have to stand strictly by your requirements. Remember, if she receives ANY communication from him and she doesn't tell you about it, that is also breaking NC. At this early stage, either she or he will attempt to fish and break NC. They almost always do, especially since this is an LTA. They just don't drop their affair partner overnight when they've spent years in an LTA.

RestlessInGeorgia

Update:

We spoke last night after she got home from work. I asked her why she lied and told me they only slept together once. She asked me if it made it easier to find out it happened twice. I told her that at this point the truth is her friend and that if she wishes for me to decide to forgive her, she needs to be completely transparent to me. I told her that I scheduled a polygraph for Friday after work and that she will submit to it. I told her that if she is caught in any lies, she's gone. She said she had not problem with taking the polygraph. I guess this may be a good sign that she is telling the truth. I know she could be lying and cave the night before and spill the truth. Either way, by Friday afternoon I will have all the answers I need to determine whether I can even start to entertain the thought of forgiveness.

She asked me what I wanted to do. I told her that in the emotional state I am in right now (Anger), she really doesn't want my decision. She asked what the decision would be and I told her that if she wanted a decision then, it would be for her to pack her things and leave for good. After a confronted her about her lie yesterday, she said she was going to pack her things and leave when she got off of work. This was a ploy, just as someone earlier had stated.

She continued to tell me that she was in a lot of pain over what she had done and she never wanted to hurt me. I told her that she had no right to try to compare her pain and suffering to mine. She committed the ultimate betrayal and all the times I might have been an a$$h0le, put together, would not come close to the first time they slept together, let alone the second time as well. I also told her she was a hypocrite for accusing me of ever having had an affair on her. She had done this twice, after the affair. I guess it's true that people that have affairs tend to accuse the other spouse of having one as well. I came close twice but pulled my self out of it. She already knew about both times because I don't carry guilt around very well.

I told her shame on her for coming down on me, when I accused her of cheating on me with this man several times during our marriage and making me feel like a jack@$$ for not trusting her. I told her that keeping him around after the affair, even is nothing was still going on, was a slap in the face to me. I told her I wasn't too sure that they didn't have the affair the entire time we were married. I said that we would find out Friday from the polygraph. She still maintained that those were the only times and said she couldn't wait to prove it to me Friday.

We have already sent a NC to the OM. I made sure that she knew what she was signing and what it meant if any of the terms of the NC were broken, by her, in any way. She said that she understood. I told her that if he tried to contact her in any way, she was to tell me immediately. I also told her that if I find out they had contact in any way and I wasn't made fully aware of it, she was gone for good.

She said this morning that she no longer wanted to use the cell phone that was in my name because she didn't want me to continue monitoring her phone. I told her she had two options, either continue to use that cell phone or have no cell phone at all. I told her that if I found out about another cell phone of any kind, secret or even if she told me about it, she would be gone. I told her I have every right to look at the call and text message logs now and that if I looked at her phone and noticed that a message or call was deleted that was on the log, she was gone.

I'm pretty sure it was a LTA, even if by some chance there weren't any more sexual indiscretions, there was definitely and EA going on through the years or there wouldn't have been that slight hint of jealousy in her voice when he introduced us to a new girlfriend. The EA is just as bad if not worse than the PA. Although, it was probably a full on affair for our entire marriage. If I find out this is the case from the polygraph, my decision is made and final and I will go directly to a divorce attorney on Monday.