Re: Found out wife cheated first year of our marriage,7 years later
@jnj_express - I've told my wife if there is any hope for Reconciliation that she will be doing all the heavy lifting. I made her understand that this didn't mean she would be doing all the work by herself, just the majority of it. I've decided to give her a list of things she has to be willing to live with and be understandable on, if there is any hope for R. She is aware that she must be completely transparent. I have all of her passwords. She is going to continue to use the phone on the account that I have access to. She is aware that her text messages on her phone must match the online records. If I ever ask her to see her text messages and they don't, she's aware that it is over at that point. If the OM contacts her in any way, she is aware she has to tell me about it and that her only response to him will be "Don't ever call me again, it's over and I love my husband." If she receives a phone call, the call better not last more than 1 min in the online records and she is to let me see the call in her phone call log to determine it lasted no more than a few seconds. Just enough time to tell him what I told her to. Unfortunately the online log only logs calls in minutes. She is also to only answer a call or message from him once and that's just to tell him this. If he continues to try to contact her, she must be willing to file a restraining order against him. I've told her at this point I am in self preservation mode and have to guarantee my safety as much as I can.
@Ronin - It's not that I accept this behavior, plainly I don't. If I did then I wouldn't have had a problem with her cheating on me to begin with or hiding it in plain sight for 6 years. You may be right, she may have had multiple guys that I don't know about. I'll find that out today at the polygraph. This will be the real test of whether reconciliation is a possibility. I've already made her aware that our marriage had been a complete and total sham from that day forward. Unfortunately I still love her and I've read stories on these forums where things could go either way. Our marriage could become the strongest it's ever been or it could become worse than it ever was. This is the risk I have to weigh before deciding to divorce her.
My emotions seem to be calming down and I am starting to think rationally. I don't accept any blame for her cheating on me, I just accept that I wasn't a great husband before the cheating. I was young and still learning and naive enough to kick my wife out of my house and allow her to stay at another mans house. That is my only part in this. I may have been responsible for a tiny pin prick in our marriage, but she's responsible for the big gaping hole, which she slowly tore further and further open over the years. I almost fell into cheating on her twice, pulled away from those woman, and made her completely aware of them both. I didn't want to have to live with that kind of guilt and shame, and I sure as hell cared more about her feelings than she did about mine.
I also asked her how do you fix a gaping hole. No band-aid will cover it, you can't stitch it back together because there is not enough skin, any gauze you try to pack in will eventually need to be changed which exposes the wound again. The only thing that can be done is to take great care of the wound and hope that it will close eventually, but it's going to take time and effort from her treating the wound whenever it starts to bleed. And, there will always be a scar there once it finally heals.
She hasn't confessed to anything else, even though the polygraph is this afternoon. She may in the parking lot beforehand, but if she does it will be a ploy to not go through with the poly. She is aware that if I find out there is more to the story or there were any other affairs, that it's over. I will not have my heart and emotions stomped on more from her.
Thanks again for all the great advice on here and I will let everyone know the results of the poly as soon as I get them. We meet the examiner in a little over an hour. It's supposed to take between 1 1/2 to 3 hours and this examiner specializes in relationship polygraphs.