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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 06-03-2011, 10:05 AM   #46 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out wife cheated first year of our marriage,7 years later

@jnj_express - I've told my wife if there is any hope for Reconciliation that she will be doing all the heavy lifting. I made her understand that this didn't mean she would be doing all the work by herself, just the majority of it. I've decided to give her a list of things she has to be willing to live with and be understandable on, if there is any hope for R. She is aware that she must be completely transparent. I have all of her passwords. She is going to continue to use the phone on the account that I have access to. She is aware that her text messages on her phone must match the online records. If I ever ask her to see her text messages and they don't, she's aware that it is over at that point. If the OM contacts her in any way, she is aware she has to tell me about it and that her only response to him will be "Don't ever call me again, it's over and I love my husband." If she receives a phone call, the call better not last more than 1 min in the online records and she is to let me see the call in her phone call log to determine it lasted no more than a few seconds. Just enough time to tell him what I told her to. Unfortunately the online log only logs calls in minutes. She is also to only answer a call or message from him once and that's just to tell him this. If he continues to try to contact her, she must be willing to file a restraining order against him. I've told her at this point I am in self preservation mode and have to guarantee my safety as much as I can.

@Ronin - It's not that I accept this behavior, plainly I don't. If I did then I wouldn't have had a problem with her cheating on me to begin with or hiding it in plain sight for 6 years. You may be right, she may have had multiple guys that I don't know about. I'll find that out today at the polygraph. This will be the real test of whether reconciliation is a possibility. I've already made her aware that our marriage had been a complete and total sham from that day forward. Unfortunately I still love her and I've read stories on these forums where things could go either way. Our marriage could become the strongest it's ever been or it could become worse than it ever was. This is the risk I have to weigh before deciding to divorce her.

My emotions seem to be calming down and I am starting to think rationally. I don't accept any blame for her cheating on me, I just accept that I wasn't a great husband before the cheating. I was young and still learning and naive enough to kick my wife out of my house and allow her to stay at another mans house. That is my only part in this. I may have been responsible for a tiny pin prick in our marriage, but she's responsible for the big gaping hole, which she slowly tore further and further open over the years. I almost fell into cheating on her twice, pulled away from those woman, and made her completely aware of them both. I didn't want to have to live with that kind of guilt and shame, and I sure as hell cared more about her feelings than she did about mine.

I also asked her how do you fix a gaping hole. No band-aid will cover it, you can't stitch it back together because there is not enough skin, any gauze you try to pack in will eventually need to be changed which exposes the wound again. The only thing that can be done is to take great care of the wound and hope that it will close eventually, but it's going to take time and effort from her treating the wound whenever it starts to bleed. And, there will always be a scar there once it finally heals.

She hasn't confessed to anything else, even though the polygraph is this afternoon. She may in the parking lot beforehand, but if she does it will be a ploy to not go through with the poly. She is aware that if I find out there is more to the story or there were any other affairs, that it's over. I will not have my heart and emotions stomped on more from her.

Thanks again for all the great advice on here and I will let everyone know the results of the poly as soon as I get them. We meet the examiner in a little over an hour. It's supposed to take between 1 1/2 to 3 hours and this examiner specializes in relationship polygraphs.
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Old 06-03-2011, 10:06 AM   #47 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out wife cheated first year of our marriage,7 years later

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That is correct. I've been both the BS and DS. Hub and I both told eachother. It was during our separation.

RIG, stay tough!

To me it's very telling that she does not want to give you her phone and didn't want to be "monitored"... to me that says it all. Oh and the fact that she was texting with him about his d!ck size with you right there, so many years after the fact. WTH.
I posted a little after you, but she has had a change of heart about the phone. Just read my previous post and you'll understand.

Edit: You're right about texting the size of his d!ck in front of me. It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it.
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Old 06-03-2011, 10:10 AM   #48 (permalink)
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You don't know how men accpt this from women? Wow but women should be use to it and take the man back because it's different , it's a man. I have heard this reasoning from so many ppl and it's not cool. What are you really saying with this in terms of women and men and affairs?
Pay no mind to Ronin. He's got a VERY strict policy of zero tolerance for when a woman commits anything he views as a transgression against him, and expects them to know what he will see as such a transgression without being told, whether one might consider it obvious or not.
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Old 06-03-2011, 10:15 AM   #49 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out wife cheated first year of our marriage,7 years later

If he calls she should ignore his calls. Picking up the phone is allowing her to communicate with him.

If she were to go out of the way to contact him (new email, visit his house, etc.) that little contact could be used to say, "Meet me at my house in 20 minutes."

Stick to NO contact.
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Old 06-03-2011, 10:38 AM   #50 (permalink)
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If he calls she should ignore his calls. Picking up the phone is allowing her to communicate with him.

If she were to go out of the way to contact him (new email, visit his house, etc.) that little contact could be used to say, "Meet me at my house in 20 minutes."

Stick to NO contact.
You're right. She did agree and send him an NC already.
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Old 06-03-2011, 10:41 AM   #51 (permalink)
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Sending you strength and wishing you luck. If she goes through with the polygraph and passes, then I would say your chances for R are very good.
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Old 06-03-2011, 11:09 AM   #52 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out wife cheated first year of our marriage,7 years later

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I'll find that out today at the polygraph.

I will let everyone know the results of the poly as soon as I get them.
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Old 06-03-2011, 11:23 AM   #53 (permalink)
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^ I love that gif of MJ!
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Old 06-03-2011, 02:15 PM   #54 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out wife cheated first year of our marriage,7 years later

Update:

The polygraph is over with and I've gotten the results.

She didn't break down and admit anything in the parking lot, or the lobby of the testing facility. She said she wasn't lying to me about anything and that she would go ahead and take the polygraph to set my mind at ease and prove it. I told her that this was part of what it's going to take to help work towards any reconciliation.

The interviewer explained to us that he would ask the questions that I provided to him, but that he would also ask additional questions that would help ascertain other aspects of what led to the affair and what has happened since the affair. He said that I couldn't be in the room because it would influence her answers and could possibly throw the results off because she may be overly anxious because of my presence. He said he would start with a brief interview before the polygraph as a way to get to know her as a subject better. He says he does this as a way to loosen them up a little before hand, if at all possible, and also to see how his personal judgement compares to the results of the polygraph. Basically a pre-polygraph interview with some of the questions she would be asked during the polygraph.

The entire process took about 2 hours and he called me back in. He explained to me that polygraphs are generally 95% or more accurate. We then started with the questions, it seemed like there were more than about 40 of them total. I only provided him with 18. On a couple of them, he said that her answer couldn't be verified as true or false the first time they were asked. They were do you have a complete lack of interest in sex with your spouse? She said no. The other was, do you think you had a truly happy marriage before the affair was found out? She said No. He told me that he asked these questions a second time and was able to verify the responses to be truthful.

As far as the major questions here are her answers and her responses were all verified as truthful.

1. Did you continue an affair with the OM after you told your husband it was over? (No)
2. Did you have an affair with anyone else after the OM? (No)
3. Are you remorseful over the affair you had on your husband? (Yes)
4. Did you keep the OM around as a friend to try to hide the affair from your husband? (Yes)
5. Did you have any feelings for the OM after the affair was over? (Yes)
6. Do you still have feelings for the OM now? (No)
7. Do you want to save your marriage? (Yes)
8. Do you want to save your marriage for financial security? (No)
9. Do you want to save your marriage because you love your husband? (Yes)
10. Did you keep the affair from him because you were worried about your husbands feelings? (Yes)
11. Do you feel the state of your marriage before the affair is the reason for the affair? (Yes)
12. Did you have intentions of sleeping with OM when your husband kicked you out? (No)
13. Are you likely to have an affair again, if your marriage runs into problems? (No)
14. Are you likely to have an affair on your husband in the future, regardless of marital problems? (No)
15. Do you have plans of ever contacting OM in the future? (No)
16. Have you been completely honest about the nature of the affair with OM? (Yes)

I guess all I can say is thank god for small victories. I guess she was being honest after she was caught and I spoke to OM to get the rest of the details. It really doesn't feel like a victory though. I still lose in the end. She had an affair and hid it from me for 6 years. Now all I have to do is figure out if reconciliation is truly an option and if I can live with that choice.

I see some hard days ahead of me. Thanks again for all the advice. I will continue to update this thread as things progress. I kinda need it as a place to vent with people that know what I'm feeling and going through.
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Old 06-03-2011, 02:54 PM   #55 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out wife cheated first year of our marriage,7 years later

Why bother with this woman? After all, she forced you to live a lie for 6 years! 6 years of your marriage are nothing but a LIE!
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Old 06-03-2011, 03:06 PM   #56 (permalink)
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At least now you are in a position where you can make a more confident decision as to what you want next and how to take it forward. Start the journey it not going to be easy, keep very high boundaries, search for examples of extraordinary precautions your wife should implement, she has some heavy lifting to do for a long time. Breathe, give yourself some space to vent and move forward.
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Old 06-03-2011, 03:29 PM   #57 (permalink)
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I'm surprised you didn't ask how many times they had sex.

Something tells me it was WAY more than just those two times.
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Old 06-03-2011, 04:43 PM   #58 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out wife cheated first year of our marriage,7 years later

As I understand it to work, Jellybeans, they have to be yes or no questions. Looking at the questions he says he provided, I see one or two that MIGHT cover that, but could also have enough wiggle room to them.
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Old 06-04-2011, 08:25 AM   #59 (permalink)
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Why bother with this woman? After all, she forced you to live a lie for 6 years! 6 years of your marriage are nothing but a LIE!
I know that she's forced me to live a lie for the past 6 years. Right now I'm very confused about what I really want. She does have 2 kids from a previous relationship that I have known for most of their lives. A little girl that is 11 and a little boy that just became a teenager. I know they're not my biological children, but that doesn't mean I love them any less. We have been together a total of 10 years and some months. I really did/do love this woman. It's really not as cut and dry as many people believe or even I believed. I was able to give other friends advice when their spouses/girlfriends cheated on them. But, when it comes down to me, I can't even take my own advice. By even giving her the gift of reconciliation, it's like I'm just giving my seal of approval for the whole affair. I think that's what I'm having a hard time getting past at this point.

I see your concern and thank you for it. BTW, great user name. I'm a big Star Wars fan, of the original trilogy.
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Old 06-04-2011, 08:28 AM   #60 (permalink)
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I'm surprised you didn't ask how many times they had sex.

Something tells me it was WAY more than just those two times.

I don't think anymore than two times would make the pain or realization of the situation any better or worse. Once could be construed as a mistake, two or more times is a conscious decision. I know it was a conscious decision and that's all that matters. I felt I got the answers I needed to even entertain the idea of reconciliation.

Thanks for all of your advice and support on here Jellybeans.
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