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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 06-08-2011, 07:06 AM   #91 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out wife cheated first year of our marriage,7 years later

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As far as the "prisoner" comment, she may have felt cornered, and the only weapon she had was to say something she thought would hurt you or have you on your knees begging.

You may be right and before confirmation of the affair, I probably would have done exactly what you said. I can't exactly explain why, but after D-Day, I seem to have a new found strength. I could have chosen to be the victim, or I could choose to be strong for myself. Well, I chose strength and I refuse to let anyone who thinks/thought so little of me to have that much power over me. I will not be treated like a doormat. Right now, it's all about what helps me to heal and decide whether to move on or work this marriage out. She knows and has said that I hold all the cards in the marriage now. I just need to make sure that I don't abuse that power. I really never wanted it to begin with. I believe marriage shouldn't be a power struggle, but a mutual relationship where both people are willing to compromise for the other and show compassion to each other.
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Old 06-08-2011, 08:49 AM   #92 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out wife cheated first year of our marriage,7 years later

I think the following post will explain to people why I entertain the thought of forgiveness and reconciliation.

I need to kind of give everyone a little background on myself. I was raised in a Christian home and taught Christian morals and values. I know some of you would say that Christians are a bunch of nuts, and I would agree looking at Christians that bomb abortion clinics, the likes of Westboro Baptist Church, the Crusades, and so forth. There's no doubt that Christianity has had it's share of problems, just as any other religion. I look at it as any other group of people, you have those that are genuinely good people and those that miss the entire point of Christianity, which is love and compassion. I may not agree with gay marriages, but that doesn't mean I hate or hold ill will towards gay people. I may not agree with abortion, but I'm not going to harm a person that has one. God gave every man, woman, and child free will to live their lives as they please. Who am I to take that away from them? I believe this world lacks love and compassion and I refuse to contribute to that.

All of that being said, the reason I even entertain the thought of reconciliation is because of my beliefs. God sent his son to be the perfect sacrifice for my transgressions, even before I was, even when I didn't deserve forgiveness. His son laid down his life, without question or concern, for me and all of humanity. All he asks is that we know him, follow him, and do what he would have us do. It's no more than any parent asks of a child. When our children do wrong, we punish them, even though it hurts to do. Then we forgive them unconditionally knowing that they may let us down again. We punish our children in the hopes that they learn their lesson and not make the same mistakes.

After all of this happened, I cried out to God to ask why he would allow this to happen to me. I never got an answer, directly. But, the first thought that came to mind was the story of Jesus and the Adulteress. As she was about to be stoned for having an affair, he stepped in and told the crowd, "He who is without sin, cast the first stone." Since guilt had set in on the crowd, not one stone was cast and the crowd dispersed. Jesus then turned to the woman and asked where her accusers were and whether they had condemned her. She told him no one did and he responded, "Then neither do I condemn you. Go now and leave your life of sin."

This story hit me like a ton of bricks. It not only dealt with a cheating spouse, but also showed me that I'm not innocent either. It spoke to me on many different levels. It told me that I too have sinned, and will continue to sin against God, but he still showed me grace. It showed me that Jesus was willing to forgive for adultery, shouldn't I show the courage of my beliefs and at least entertain the thought of forgiveness and reconciliation? Don't I owe this to the person I claim as my lord and savior? I know the bible states that God hates divorce, but it also says that a marriage can be put away for infidelity. Jesus said it "CAN BE", not that it has to be. I believe the reason for this allowance is because of the pain caused by the total betrayal and that God knows this pain is very hard to overcome.

I now know that if I forgive her, it's because God forgave me. I know that it will be his grace, not mine. I also know that if I can't, God is not ashamed of me. So, I think I owe this to myself to try and forgive the biggest transgression ever brought against me. I know, as well, that if I forgive her, this will be the only time and will not happen if she has another affair. I hope this was a good explanation for those of you that wonder why I don't just get a divorce.

Even if you don't believe in God, Jesus, or any other deity, forgiveness is good for the soul.
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Old 06-08-2011, 09:42 AM   #93 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out wife cheated first year of our marriage,7 years later

Forgiveness and reconciliation are not necessarily bound at the hip. You can forgive your wife but chose to not reconciliate - something I did - or you can never forgive her but chose to reconciliate. The latter is often the choice many betrayed spouses make to the detriment of both.

But be that as it may, forgiveness is - and always will be - for the benefit of the offended party not the offender.
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Old 06-08-2011, 09:54 AM   #94 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out wife cheated first year of our marriage,7 years later

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Forgiveness and reconciliation are not necessarily bound at the hip. You can forgive your wife but chose to not reconciliate - something I did - or you can never forgive her but chose to reconciliate. The latter is often the choice many betrayed spouses make to the detriment of both.

But be that as it may, forgiveness is - and always will be - for the benefit of the offended party not the offender.
I know that as well. I refuse to live in a marriage where we've reconciled and I've not forgiven. If our marriage is meant to continue, they're a packaged deal or the marriage is off. I know, regardless, one day I will have to forgive her for what she's done to me, if only for me. Thanks for your concern and help.
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Old 06-08-2011, 10:39 AM   #95 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out wife cheated first year of our marriage,7 years later

Forgiving the sinner is not the same as forgiving the sin.

There are two types of forgiveness. One which is dependent on the betrayed spouse's emotions and the other which is a firm, deliberate choice made by the offended party not subject to his/her emotions.

The problem with the type of forgiveness dependent on the emotional state of the betrayed is that it is not a real and permanent one. Only the second type can truly offer you the freedom to move on with your life with or without your wife.

You cannot trust your emotions to make life altering decisions for you. Emotions act like 3 year old spoiled brats throwing temper tantrums. Reason should take over and drag them until they cool off and settle down.

You may want to consider the following to help guide you towards a definite decision:

1. Can I honestly emotionally heal by remaining married to her?

2. Her post DDay actions, do they make her worthy of reconciliation?
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Old 06-08-2011, 10:46 AM   #96 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out wife cheated first year of our marriage,7 years later

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1. Can I honestly emotionally heal by remaining married to her?
That seems like it'd be a huge hurdle. Can most people do that?

Mori, I know you and I both divorced... and I still have triggers and the betrayals still hurt. I wonder for those that reconcile...if that pain ever goes away? Anyone care to share?
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Old 06-08-2011, 11:41 AM   #97 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out wife cheated first year of our marriage,7 years later

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That seems like it'd be a huge hurdle. Can most people do that?
I don't know how credible some statistics are but I remember reading one in which it said that only 35% of the marriages affected by infidelity survived.

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Mori, I know you and I both divorced... and I still have triggers and the betrayals still hurt. I wonder for those that reconcile...if that pain ever goes away? Anyone care to share?
Beans, I still have them as well. Although not as severe as in the past. I don't believe that the pain entirely goes away no matter whether a couple reconciles or not. But as with other types of pain, it can diminish over time IF the betrayed stops him/herself from picking on the scab.

Everybody's emotional fortitude is different. Some have Herculean fortitude while many others do not. A person has to find out what he/she is able to endure. That requires some deep soul searching.
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Old 06-08-2011, 11:56 AM   #98 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out wife cheated first year of our marriage,7 years later

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I don't know how credible some statistics are but I remember reading one in which it said that only 35% of the marriages affected by infidelity survived..

Yeah I've seen that # somewhere else too. Which is interesting because usually people who advocate reconciliation after infidelity tend to say the #s are much much higher.

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Beans, I still have them as well. Although not as severe as in the past. I don't believe that the pain entirely goes away no matter whether a couple reconciles or not. But as with other types of pain, it can diminish over time IF the betrayed stops him/herself from picking on the scab.
True. So what do you do when you "triggeer?" I was never jealous over my now ex H but when I think of it now Ido get jealous/mad/sad/insecure/feel unsafe when I think of it now. And I still don't like OW.
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Old 06-08-2011, 05:48 PM   #99 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out wife cheated first year of our marriage,7 years later

[QUOTE=morituri;342155]I don't know how credible some statistics are but I remember reading one in which it said that only 35% of the marriages affected by infidelity survived.

That's better than the supposedly 2% of marriages that survive that were born of infidelity.
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Old 06-08-2011, 08:48 PM   #100 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out wife cheated first year of our marriage,7 years later

Jelly... why would you ever like the OW. I find it funny when people say we shouldn't harbor any bad feelings for other. Hey, I hated Darth Vader, and I still do- Does that make me a bad person for it... he was a ****. I'll tell you what triggers me up the ass- movies and t.v. shows that cast cheating in a funny way. I literally want to throw me beer at the t.v. screen.
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Old 06-08-2011, 09:45 PM   #101 (permalink)
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Lightbulb Re: Found out wife cheated first year of our marriage,7 years later

basically with Morituri.

u seem to confuse reconcilation with forgiveness.

u can leave her but still forgive her, sooner better than later.

u can stay with her & TRULY not forgive her.

they made a movie about that/this kinda marriage/atmosphere.

check this YouTube link out:

YouTube - ‪THE WAR OF THE ROSES - HQ Trailer ( 1989 )‬‏
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Old 06-09-2011, 06:50 AM   #102 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out wife cheated first year of our marriage,7 years later

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Forgiving the sinner is not the same as forgiving the sin.

There are two types of forgiveness. One which is dependent on the betrayed spouse's emotions and the other which is a firm, deliberate choice made by the offended party not subject to his/her emotions.

The problem with the type of forgiveness dependent on the emotional state of the betrayed is that it is not a real and permanent one. Only the second type can truly offer you the freedom to move on with your life with or without your wife.

You cannot trust your emotions to make life altering decisions for you. Emotions act like 3 year old spoiled brats throwing temper tantrums. Reason should take over and drag them until they cool off and settle down.

You may want to consider the following to help guide you towards a definite decision:

1. Can I honestly emotionally heal by remaining married to her?

2. Her post DDay actions, do they make her worthy of reconciliation?
I agree with what you're saying. I am a very forgiving person, or so I would like to think that. With her affair, she's giving me something that is almost impossible to forgive. I'm not even sure I can do it and stay in this marriage. In my post about my beliefs and why I'm even considering forgiveness and reconciliation, I may have been confusing. I know I don't owe her anything because she's perpetrated the worst possible betrayal a spouse can. I've even made her aware of that. I definitely don't want her to get any ideas that I condone or am willing to quickly forgive her affair, her cover-up, continuing in friendship with this guy after the affair, or her flirtatious remarks over text messaging. I've made her aware of this as well, several times.

My goal is to find out the answers to the questions you posed. I've learned over the years to not act in haste based on my emotional responses to a situation. Acting on emotion alone almost never illicits the desired effect. I'm trying to give my emotions a chance to subside, somewhat, and try to think logically about this entire thing. This is why MC is a definite requirement for us, as well it should be. She's also aware that MC may result in us parting ways. She knows that if 8 or 12 months from now, I find I can't get past this, the marriage is over.

She has made a lot of effort since D-Day to try and reassure me that she's not contacted OM and comfort me when feelings of anger and hurt arise. I feel she's been completely transparent. I don't get any feeling that anything is going on right now. Now, this may be because D-Day was less than 10 days ago and she's being extra cautious right now. I know WS's are known to do this. Time will tell if she has truly changed her ways. As of right now and for the forseeable future, I have my guard up and I'm not letting it down and it will probably never be completely down even if the marriage continues.

Thanks again for your concern and helping me through this.
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Old 06-09-2011, 06:56 AM   #103 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out wife cheated first year of our marriage,7 years later

[QUOTE=F-102;342583]
Quote:
Originally Posted by morituri View Post
I don't know how credible some statistics are but I remember reading one in which it said that only 35% of the marriages affected by infidelity survived.

That's better than the supposedly 2% of marriages that survive that were born of infidelity.
I don't even see how that is even 2%. Why would you want to have a marriage with a known cheater? TV and movies have made affairs so glamorous, it makes me sick. They tell spouses that if they find their soul mate, to pursue them no matter the cost, even if it destroys their family, they owe it to their self because you only live once. That's another thing, this soul mate crap is just that, crap. Marriage takes work no matter how close you feel to your spouse in the beginning. Once day the "FEELINGS" will start to fade and the marriage truly begins. Marriage is not just about feelings of love, it's about sharing life together and that includes all the bad crap that comes with it.
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Old 06-09-2011, 08:13 AM   #104 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out wife cheated first year of our marriage,7 years later

Update:

I had my first session of MC yesterday. We are meeting separately right now at the request of the marriage counselor, so I guess in essence it's really IC for the time being. I was a little on edge going into the session, I guess because I didn't know this guy and I tend to have a hard time opening up to strangers. I was somewhat put at ease when I sat down because I noticed he had a Bald Eagle collection in his office and I collect Bald Eagle stuff as well. I think it helped to break the ice a little.

I started by telling him about how I uncovered the affair, the affair itself, and what she had done after the affair was over to try to cover it up. I then went back and told him of our entire life together, since the night we met. I tried to get as detailed as possible with him over issues we had before we were married and after we were married. In all, the session was almost two hours. He gave me time to tell him the story of our lives and then took the opportunity to address a few things like why I've been sexually aroused this week. I told him that I didn't understand why because of everything that has happened. He said that it may be that I'm trying to stake a claim that she belongs to me. I told him I felt like sex should be the furthest from my mind. He said that I may be subconsciously trying to emotionally break any bonds she might have for OM and that was a good thing. He said that if I was trying to figure out whether to forgive and possibly reconcile that it's imperative for her to get rid of any bond she may have with OM, and mutual intimacy almost always accomplishes that. Trust me, it's been mutual. We have had sex together every night since Sunday, except on Tuesday, and it's been the best sex of our entire relationship. He asked why we didn't have sex on Tuesday and I explained that she had sore muscles from the previous nights and I told her we would take a night off. He said that he understood.

He also gave me a good piece of advice for this marriage or any future relationship I might have. He said that when we discuss things, we should sit across the table from each other and take each others hands to discuss the issue. He said this creates a physical connection between the two people and it causes them to feel connected in a physical way as well as on an emotional level and makes both people more amenable to the discussion and less willing to jump to anger. Being a man, and one who craves physical touch many times daily, this makes perfect sense to me. I can't believe I had never thought of this before. I think this is great advice for anyone in any kind of relationship.

After the session he recommended the book "Wild at Heart" for me to read, as well as "The Five Love Languages". I told him that I had read "The Five Love Languages". He said he thought it best for me to read it again. I told him I would and thanked him for his time. We setup another appointment for next Wednesday at the same time. I think the best part about this session was that it was great to tell someone who was being unbiased in the whole situation and understood the feelings and hurt I was going through.
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Old 06-09-2011, 09:36 AM   #105 (permalink)
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Default Re: Found out wife cheated first year of our marriage,7 years later

That is good you saw the counselor. It's nice to talk to an objective party who has no clue about your personal life, to let it all out.

When does your wife go see the MC?

When will the couple session be?

RIG, a lot of people have really amazing sex after cheating is discovered. I have no idea why that is but I've read it on this very forum before and I can attest to it as well in my situation. It's weird, right?

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That's another thing, this soul mate crap is just that, crap.
I personally don't believe in soul mates ("Hole" mates LOL).
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