Amalgum Tattoo

I think the survival % of a relationship that is born out of an affair depends heavily on why the affair relationship started and how it is managed going forward. There are many reasons people feel driven to have affairs. I suppose how a person reacts, as an individual, to their circumstances at home weighs in on this.

My experience is probably unusual, perhaps in the 2%. My wife and I were an affair, but are very happily married now with two children. We have a high degree of trust in the other - we resolved to not repeat our previous mistakes and we recognize the shortcomings of the other as human beings. Therefore, we set strong marital boundaries and focus on good communication and marriage-building activities. In essence, we've done what neither of us did the first time around.

Any post-affair relationship/marriage that doesn't focus on these things is a set up for potential disaster.

Jellybeans

It could be either one of those and maybe both but I have no doubt she feels a lot due to the fact you uncovered it and it's not a secret anymore.

Oh I don't know. I don't know him that well but everyone hates him in the family an dthe OW. LOL. My cousin *his daughter* got married nad OW didn't show her face there, even after having been married to him for eons. He was drunk the entire wedding making an a$$ out of himself.

It's good you are doing MC.

F-102

Exactly-and I'm still waiting for LeAnn Rimes/Eddie Cibrian to disintegrate.

michzz

Nah, they're soulmates.

Jellybeans

When that happens, it's going to be EPIC!

F-102

But of course, she has to prove to the world that she made the "right" decision, even if it means she will starve herself to death.

RestlessInGeorgia

Update:

I figure it's been a few days since I last updated everyone on what has been going on. Well, last Wednesday I had my first session of IC with the marriage counselor. I explained everything that had happened with the affair and explained our entire lives together. It took about 2 hours. I told him that I couldn't explain why I was so sexually aroused and he told me that it was called hysterical bonding and explained why it was probably happening. He told me that it was probably a subconscious act of trying to reclaim what belongs to me (i.e. my wife). I told him that the entire purpose of me being there was to figure out if my wife and I could reconcile our marriage. He said he would help me figure that out for myself. At the end of the session, he recommended a couple of books for me to read, "Love & Respect", "Wild at Heart", and "The 5 Love Languages". He gave me copies of the books and said that they would help regardless of whether I chose to reconcile or not. He then said that he wanted to continue meeting on a individual basis for at least the next month and then he would evaluate whether we needed to meet as a couple.

My wife went the next day to her IC session. She told me after that he had recommended she also read "Love & Respect" as well as "The 5 Love Languages" and a book that dealt with self esteem issues. She said she was given a homework assignment to answer two questions. What do you want out of this marriage? Why do you want to be married to "John Smith"? (i.e. generic name of mine for anonymity sake) She said that she found our counselor very easy to talk to and felt very good after leaving her session.

We really didn't go too much into what we discussed in our individual sessions, as they are private for right now. I know we will need to discuss them at some point when we meet as a couple. My wife found out there was a workbook for "Love & Respect", went to the store, and bought a copy for herself. When I found out, I told her that I would also like a copy of the workbook, so we bought one for me as well. So I see a certain level of commitment from her on our marriage and helping me deal with the affair.

Well, Friday I had a bad day, full of triggers and angry/hurtful thoughts. It really was a bad day and probably the worst so far for me. I just had a deep feeling of loss and hopelessness. I tried to force myself off of thoughts of the A, but they just kept coming. Let me preface this with, my wife got a new phone upgrade on our account and hasn't really figured it out yet. I sent her a text message in the afternoon, being a little flirtatious because she told me earlier in the day that she had bought me a surprise for when I got home. Well, for the past week we have had sex every evening, except one, and it's been the best sex we've ever had together, so I sent a sext message about the surprise. I figured doing this might help get my mind off of the A. I didn't receive a response, so I sent a "Disappointed" text, and when that was unanswered, I sent a third text. At this point I'm started to get pissed that she's not answering me in any way.

I got home and was still in a major funk over the day and her not answering my texts. About 10 seconds before I walk in the door, I receive a reply from her apologizing for not replying to me. I went into the house in a very bad mood. She had bought me a surprise and I wasn't in the right state of mind, so I didn't receive it very graciously. She could tell that I was in a bad mood very quickly and asked if she had done anything wrong. The first couple of times she asked, I told her no. Then when she asked yet again, I finally told her.

I wasn't upset because of the texts, I was upset because of being trapped in my own head with thoughts of the A. I broke down and started sobbing. I asked her why she had done this to me? I asked her what I had done so terribly wrong, that I deserved this? She said I didn't do anything and that none of this was my fault. She started crying as well at this point. I told her that she treated my heart as a play toy, that she was just bored of and tossed to the side. I told her that my heart is broken into a million pieces and that she was responsible for it. She said she knew how it felt to have your heart broken so completely, when she had to give custody of her kids to their father. I asked her, then why would you do that to me? I had given you myself completely. I had given you all of my heart and everything that I am. I asked her why she never saw that, and if she did why she chose to ignore it? She said she didn't know why. All she knew was that, because of how her mother treated her as a child, she figured nobody could love her, if her own mother didn't. She felt like life was just too good to be true and that I was going to get rid of her as soon as I could. She said this was the reason she had the A and had at other times sought emotional comfort from men other than me. She said she was just on a self-destructive cycle and had broken free of it about three years ago and had accepted that I wasn't just going to throw her away like her mother did when she was growing up.

She said she never wanted me to find out about the A, after she had chosen to keep it a secret and that she didn't have another A afterwards. She had come close, but had pulled herself back because she didn't want to do that to me again. She said she kept the OM in our lives as a friend so that I wouldn't suspect anything had ever happened. She said that it was the second most ignorant mistake she had ever made, after the A. She said she felt like she couldn't come to me about her feelings or concerns and that's why she spoke to other male friends. I told her that those were A's as well, just EA's and not PA's. I told her that those were bad too because she was connecting with these other men on an emotional level. She said that she hadn't thought of those being A's as well, but that didn't matter, it was about how I perceived it. She begged and pleaded that I believe her that she would never have an A on me again.

We continued to talk for what seemed like hours. I told her that I knew marriages have Peaks and Valleys and that our marriage had basically been on massive Valley since her A, even though I didn't have proof of the A. I told her that in order for this marriage to survive this, I have to know there are going to be more Peaks than Valleys and believe she's committed to me and our marriage. I told her that I'm not stupid enough to think there aren't going to be arguments. But, that there's no reason we can't turn our marriage around and make it more than it ever was. All it takes is commitment and effort from the both of us. Our marriage will be what we make it to be. If either of us feels that the other is not putting any effort in, then it's up to us to say something about it to each other.

I then decided to address her self-esteem issues. I told her that there is no reason to be ashamed of her body during sex and have sex with the lights out. I told her that I didn't know who sold her on her not having a good-looking body, that it just wasn't true. I told her that what she sees as her physical imperfections were not imperfections to me, they made her unique and beautiful in a way unlike any other woman. I told her that when we made love, her body was the most perfect thing in the world to me, and that's all that should matter. I also told her that she has a very loving and sweet personality and she was generally a good person. She said, but I had the affair. I told her that we all make mistakes and it's not about making the mistake as much as learning from that mistake and never letting it happen again. I told her she should have more respect for herself, that she's a strong, beautiful, intelligent, and loving person.

The conversation started out from my hurt and anger, then turned to a very constructive conversation about what needs to be done to reconcile our marriage. She showed me that her heart is broken for what she had done to me. I really do feel she's remorseful for what she had done. She seems to believe what she's saying about never having an A again and wanting to be with me, if I'll continue to have her. I've known my wife for over 11 years and can tell when she's being completely honest and whether she's hiding something. This is why I always accused her of an affair with the OM, even though I didn't have concrete proof. So I see the honesty in her eyes and she's very sorrowful for what she had done to me. After our conversation, we made love and it was another great love-making session. We've never had such passion in our relationship. It's sad to say, but maybe the A will turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to us. I know that sounds ignorant, and I feel ignorant for saying it.

Saturday we decided to go and have breakfast together at Golden Corral. Her mother called before we left the house and asked to join us for breakfast and to take my wife shopping afterwards. So, we met her there.

Now, her mother's husband is in prison because he was convicted of molesting my wife's youngest sister. Here's a little back story on this. The sister came home from school one day and asked her mom what her mom would do if she ever got suspended from school. Her mom told her "The worst punishment she had ever had." Well the next day she told her mom that her mom's husband had molested her. Then, we all come to find out that the sister had been suspended from school for being caught smoking. Also, a topic on discussion in one of her classes was about another local man that had been arrested for child molestation. So, the sister deflected the blame onto her mom's husband, thus he went to jail. He was released on bond, the sister had to go live with her biological father, and her mom's husband went back home to her mom. Everyone knew that the sister was lying just to get out of trouble for being suspended. She even told one of her cousins this. Her mom's husband is a very good man, with three children of his own from a previous marriage. He isn't the type of person to have done what he was accused of. Well, the police had collected samples from the laundry basket in their house and found traces of semen on the sisters clothing, which probably got there from a towel that her mom and mom's husband had used, that traces of semen were also found on in the laundry. So, they used this against him and almost a year later he was convicted because of a piss-poor lawyer he had and has to serve 12 years in prison.

So, after that long back story, here's what happened at breakfast Saturday morning. We all start talking about my wife's youngest sister, who is pregnant and also cheating on her fiancee who is out of the country for 3 months. Her mom is condemning the sister over the affair. Then, her mom starts talking about a guy she reconnected with and is having an affair with after 20 years apart, while her husband sits in prison. She's all smiles and everything. This was obviously a trigger for me. Now my wife's mom is not aware of my wife's affair, as far as I know, or at least not aware that I have knowledge of it or she wouldn't be talking about her affair. I looked at her mom and asked what she was going to do when her husband got out of prison? She said that life was just going to go back to normal. I said, so you're going to have an affair for another 7 years, and then you expect your life is just going to go back to normal. She said yes. I just kinda snorted a sarcastic laugh. When my mother-in-law got up to go get more food, I looked at my wife and told her that I had had just about enough of her mother and her hypocritical ways for the day, and that I was just going to leave before I said anything really damaging. My wife said she understood and she apologized for her mother.

Later Saturday evening, we went to go see Pirates of the Caribbean and sat snuggled together, holding hands in the theater. Afterwards we went for ice-cream and shared a brownie-fudge-sundae. On Sunday, we went to church, came home and spent the entire day at home just enjoying each others company. Not much else to say other than that. She did say at one point in the weekend that she knows we are meant to be together because she had tried to leave me before our marriage and a few times after our marriage and she could never seem to follow through with it. She says that she feels God put us together and that she gave up fighting against it three years ago. She goofingly stated, "You complete me." and gave a slight chuckle. I told her that I already knew that we were meant to be together, I was just waiting on her to realize it too. But, if she did ever have another affair, I wouldn't even consider forgiveness. The marriage would be over. I have a small hope that we can get through this, but again, only time will tell.

Thanks for all the help and listening again. Sorry this was such a long update.

Jellybeans

First of all, I love Golden Corral. I make the biggest salad for myself when I go there, before I eat any of the food.

Now I'm hungry.

Random but back on topic:

It sounds like you guys had a really good talk! Keep it up with being honesty and open with eachother about how you're feeling and what your expectations are. That is true intimacy. It doesn't surprise me at all that you're having amazing sex. Which is also great

RestlessInGeorgia

Thanks for the advice and encouragement. I don't want to make it all about the sex, but sex is a barometer of the relationship for a man. I've known for years that we had issues because the sex was few and far between and when we had it, it was horrible. I think we are reconnecting and I hope that she's as serious as I am about this marriage. I have started to enjoy talking with her again and spending time together outside of the bed. I really want to believe that we can work through this and everyday it feels like we can.

Edit: On Golden Corral, I do the same with the salad. I usually start out with steak and sides, then make sure I have room for a huge salad. My only gripe is their Bacon is horribly grease soaked during the breakfast bar.

lordmayhem

That's great RiG. Just keep in mind the saying about actions, not words. Should you decide to give the precious gift of R, stay uncompromising with your requirements. You're going to be on the emotional roller coaster for a while yet. I'm sure you've already experienced some of that. One moment you love her with all your heart, the next you will trigger and you can't stand the sight of her.

The HB sex is great too, much more intense than makeup sex.

Jellybeans

It really is!

the guy

Your update sound all to fimilar...its nice to have your best friend back, isn't it:-)

Triggers are a b*tch just remember as time goes by there not an excuse to treat your wife sh*tty.

I wish I had some great way on preventing them..but I just don't have one. When they do happen alls I can do is think about the good and positive things my wife has done in helping me heal.

I hope thats helps and good luck

RestlessInGeorgia

Thanks. That's great advice.

F-102

Great to here, RIG!

And there's no way in hell that I will ever lose this spare tire if I keep going to Golden Corral!

RestlessInGeorgia

I hear ya. Mine has shrunken over the past couple of weeks due to loss of appetite, but food has always been a good friend to me. Also, my wife is a great cook and that's one thing I'll never fault her for.