Found out wife cheated first year of our marriage,7 years later
I found out yesterday that my wife cheated on me during the first year of our marriage, when we were having an argument and she went to stay with a friend. She slept with this friend and I had suspected they had slept together for many years of our marriage. Something just didn't seem right between the two of them. Whenever he introduced a new girlfriend to us, she was overly critical of her, to the point of sounding jealous. Whenever I would confront her about it, she would get pissed at me and tell me that I don't trust her and that nothing was going on and nothing had ever gone on between the two of them.
Yesterday, we were at her moms house for memorial day, to go swimming. Her mom and her cousin were there and they were drinking. My wife decided to set her cousin up with this friend. They were texting back and forth. Her mom, being drunk, said that this friend had mentioned that he hoped her cousin was happy with "small meat". I found this statement odd because I've never known this guy to talk like that with my wife. Well later after we left her moms house, I asked to hold her cell phone. She was apprehensive at first, but finally just gave it to me. I looked at the messages between her and this guy. Only one thing struck me as odd. When he sent the message about "small meat" her response was "no u don't". So I asked her how she knew the size of his ****. She said she didn't even remember sending that. I made her look at the messages again. She still maintained that she didn't remember sending it. She also still maintained they never slept together.
I told her that I wanted to hold her phone again. She asked why. I told her that I was going to send a message to him from her phone asking "Do you remember that time we slept together?" She asked why I wanted to send that message. I told her because if you haven't slept together, the response from him should be "WTF are you talking about?" and I would drop the subject forever and she could tell him that she sent the message to the wrong number accidently. She insisted that I send him the message from my phone so he wasn't tricked. I told her that if she wasn't going to let me send the message, then she was going to do it. I asked her if she already knew what the response would be, that's why she didn't want the message sent. This is when she came clean.
She told me that during the first year of our marriage, we had gotten into an argument and I kicked her out of the house. (I don't remember kicking her out of the house, I thought it was a mutual decompress period from the argument) She went to stay with him, which was fine to me because he was a good friend at the time and I didn't fear anything would happen then. She said while she was there it just happened. I told her that she always had the choice, that situations might be right, but right before that had sex, she could have chosen not to. She said that it was a mistake that she regrets and never happened again after that and that she was trying to just forget about it and hoped I would never find out because she never wanted to hurt me. I told her that lies are always revealed. It may be immediately or several years later, but lies are always found out.
I asked her if she had slept with him after that, or with anyone else while we've been married. She said she hadn't, which at this point, I don't believe. I told her we have three choices, she can leave, I can leave, or I can choose to forgive her but it would take time. I also told her that I better never hear this guys name, see his number on her phone or phone records. I told her that I still love her, I'm just confused about what to do now. I told her that this happened for her 7 years ago, but for me it might as well have happened yesterday.
She tried to sleep on the couch last night, but I told her she could sleep in the bed with me if she wanted to. I really don't have it in me to be an ******* right now. This morning she was all weepy. I went about doing my normal morning ritual because I'm not ready to decide yet and I think it's too soon to decide. My nerves are just shot and I don't know what to do. This is the ultimate betrayal.
Re: Found out wife cheated first year of our marriage,7 years later
I feel for you, having been there. I think your course of action to get her to confess was brilliant. Goodluck with whatever you choose to do from this point on.
Re: Found out wife cheated first year of our marriage,7 years later
Thanks for the compliment. I figured that tactic would get the turth one way or another. The sad thing is, I feel worse for having found out and at this point I don't trust much that she says. For all I know they slept together many more times. I would like to be able to forgive, I'm just not in the frame of mind to make that decision right now.
What did you do in your situation and why? I'm not looking for someone to tell me what I should do. I know only I can decide that. Thanks for any information.
Re: Found out wife cheated first year of our marriage,7 years later
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Originally Posted by findingmyway
my experience is as the om and you may not want to know...but. 1 I would be stunned if she has told you everything to this point. She remained friends with him and was jealous of his gfs? Been there, he has had her repeatedly over the course of your marriage. Your best bet to find the whole truth would have been to ask him quickly. She will certainly contact him as soon as possible to make sure their stories match. Check her phone or email you will see. 2 women are harder to get when newly married. I doubt he is the only other guy. 3 you will likely need a polygraph or the threat of one to know the truth. Maybe you can also get some useful information from a keylogger for her pc and phone.
I have no advice for you regarding what to do about the information. Just letting you know how I have seen this progress before from my end.
I'm pretty sure they had slept together more than once. But, in the end once is all it takes. She will probably never confess to any other times and that is fine. He's in the military, so I could always threaten to tell his commanding officer about the affair, so I can get all the information.
Re: Found out wife cheated first year of our marriage,7 years later
It is very likely your wife is lying and has been in an ongoing affair with this guy, your issue is she will try sweep it under the rug. For openess tell her you want the whole truth, even suggest you know more than she thinks you do, it is your choice to forgive however as she has continued to maintain contact there is a lot more going on. She can start by sending him a mail that you read and verify that tells him you know of the affair and she wants no further contact with him , a template of the no contact letter is on the affaircare.com under the articles. Warn him in the letter if he does contact her she will lay a harassment charge against him.
To protect yourself from any future lies to her family either you together tell them of the affair or you tell them, do not give her the chance to call them to cover herself and her excuse is she had an argument is bull%**^
The only real way to get the truth from her is to polygraph her , if you go this route do not back down. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: Found out wife cheated first year of our marriage,7 years later
I found out my H cheated on me in the beginning of our relationship. Before we were married. I chose to forgive it. But I never forgot it. If I had listened to my head then, I would have ran. Things only got worse. MUCH MUCH worse.
Re: Found out wife cheated first year of our marriage,7 years later
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Originally Posted by Eli-Zor
It is very likely your wife is lying and has been in an ongoing affair with this guy, your issue is she will try sweep it under the rug. For openess tell her you want the whole truth, even suggest you know more than she thinks you do, it is your choice to forgive however as she has continued to maintain contact there is a lot more going on. She can start by sending him a mail that you read and verify that tells him you know of the affair and she wants no further contact with him , a template of the no contact letter is on the affaircare.com under the articles. Warn him in the letter if he does contact her she will lay a harassment charge against him.
To protect yourself from any future lies to her family either you together tell them of the affair or you tell them, do not give her the chance to call them to cover herself and her excuse is she had an argument is bull%**^
The only real way to get the truth from her is to polygraph her , if you go this route do not back down. Posted via Mobile Device
I'm trying to find out how many times they slept together. I sent the OM a message telling him he owed me at least that much information. He may not answer, but I'm monitoring her cellular activity to see if she gets any messages from him. This will tell me that they are trying to get their stories straight. I know she is lying about how many times. But, your idea about a polygraph test is a good one. I found a place locally that does them. I'm going to tell her that she is going to take one and I will take one as well. This way we know what the truth is once and for all. She has accused me in the past, probably out of her own guilt, and I never have. I've come close twice, and she knows this, but I never followed through with it.
Re: Found out wife cheated first year of our marriage,7 years later
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Originally Posted by Lilyana
I found out my H cheated on me in the beginning of our relationship. Before we were married. I chose to forgive it. But I never forgot it. If I had listened to my head then, I would have ran. Things only got worse. MUCH MUCH worse.
My fear is that it's going to get a lot worse if I choose to forgive too. She was all weepy this morning. I don't know if it's because of remorse or because I know they at least slept together once. Did your husband lie about how many times he cheated, did he continue to cheat after you forgave him, or was there so much resentment that the marriage continued to get worse?
Re: Found out wife cheated first year of our marriage,7 years later
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Originally Posted by RestlessInGeorgia
My fear is that it's going to get a lot worse if I choose to forgive too. She was all weepy this morning. I don't know if it's because of remorse or because I know they at least slept together once. Did your husband lie about how many times he cheated, did he continue to cheat after you forgave him, or was there so much resentment that the marriage continued to get worse?
I tried to forget it, he cheated repeatedly. And I kept letting him. I became a doormat. Letting his problem dictate everything in my life. He continuosly lied to me, and still does even now that we are seperated moving toward divorce. I think that if someone has it in them to cheat, and you let them once, chances are they will do it again.
Now that might not be true in EVERY case, but it certainly is in mine. But just because it happened to me doesn't mean it will happen to you.
Trust your gut. And don't let her get away with anything. If she wants it to work she will give you everything you ask for. You have to be a hard a$$. Tough love.
Re: Found out wife cheated first year of our marriage,7 years later
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Originally Posted by NZHappy
My friend - I have to agree - from your descriptions it sounds like your wife has not been fully honest with you. There's a thing called Tickle Truth (TT) and frankly, it sounds like she's not coming completely clean straight away.
You might be OK not knowing how many times she slept with him - but are you OK with her deceiving you and still having feelings for this man (otherwise, why get jealous of his girlfriends?).
Best of luck.
Well, I decided to find out a better way. I messaged the OM and asked him how many times he and she slept together. I told him, he could either tell me in the text or in front of his Commanding Officer. See, here in the states a military official will get into serious trouble for Adultery considering it's against the governing law of the U.S. military. They can be jailed and stripped of rank because of it.
At this point he responded and told me that they slept together twice during the time she stayed at his house 7 years ago and they both felt like **** for doing it and decided to stop and never speak of it again. I would tend to believe him because he is being faced with jail time through the military. I told him that I'm not a vindictive person and there was no need for get his CO involved.
I then sent a message to my wife and told her that I now know there were two times they slept together. She responded by saying she would pack her things this evening. I told her there was no need to, I just want honesty. It's amazing what a little cunning will get you. Knowing that they slept together twice doesn't really change anything. It just proves that she only told a half-truth.
Re: Found out wife cheated first year of our marriage,7 years later
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilyana
I tried to forget it, he cheated repeatedly. And I kept letting him. I became a doormat. Letting his problem dictate everything in my life. He continuosly lied to me, and still does even now that we are seperated moving toward divorce. I think that if someone has it in them to cheat, and you let them once, chances are they will do it again.
Now that might not be true in EVERY case, but it certainly is in mine. But just because it happened to me doesn't mean it will happen to you.
Trust your gut. And don't let her get away with anything. If she wants it to work she will give you everything you ask for. You have to be a hard a$$. Tough love.
If I decide to forgive her, she will know and agree to be completely transparent about anything I ask without being upset in any way. She will also be aware that if I find a secret cell phone, e-mail account, etc., she will leave immediately and we will get divorced. If I find any evidence that she is having an affair, we will get divorced. I'm not going to let her just walk all over me and I'm not going out to sleep with someone too just to get revenge. I wouldn't ever wish her the pain that I've been caused.
Found out wife cheated first year of our marriage,7 years later 
