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Found out wife cheated first year of our marriage,7 years later

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#1 · (Edited)
I found out yesterday that my wife cheated on me during the first year of our marriage, when we were having an argument and she went to stay with a friend. She slept with this friend and I had suspected they had slept together for many years of our marriage. Something just didn't seem right between the two of them. Whenever he introduced a new girlfriend to us, she was overly critical of her, to the point of sounding jealous. Whenever I would confront her about it, she would get pissed at me and tell me that I don't trust her and that nothing was going on and nothing had ever gone on between the two of them.

Yesterday, we were at her moms house for memorial day, to go swimming. Her mom and her cousin were there and they were drinking. My wife decided to set her cousin up with this friend. They were texting back and forth. Her mom, being drunk, said that this friend had mentioned that he hoped her cousin was happy with "small meat". I found this statement odd because I've never known this guy to talk like that with my wife. Well later after we left her moms house, I asked to hold her cell phone. She was apprehensive at first, but finally just gave it to me. I looked at the messages between her and this guy. Only one thing struck me as odd. When he sent the message about "small meat" her response was "no u don't". So I asked her how she knew the size of his ****. She said she didn't even remember sending that. I made her look at the messages again. She still maintained that she didn't remember sending it. She also still maintained they never slept together.

I told her that I wanted to hold her phone again. She asked why. I told her that I was going to send a message to him from her phone asking "Do you remember that time we slept together?" She asked why I wanted to send that message. I told her because if you haven't slept together, the response from him should be "WTF are you talking about?" and I would drop the subject forever and she could tell him that she sent the message to the wrong number accidently. She insisted that I send him the message from my phone so he wasn't tricked. I told her that if she wasn't going to let me send the message, then she was going to do it. I asked her if she already knew what the response would be, that's why she didn't want the message sent. This is when she came clean.

She told me that during the first year of our marriage, we had gotten into an argument and I kicked her out of the house. (I don't remember kicking her out of the house, I thought it was a mutual decompress period from the argument) She went to stay with him, which was fine to me because he was a good friend at the time and I didn't fear anything would happen then. She said while she was there it just happened. I told her that she always had the choice, that situations might be right, but right before that had sex, she could have chosen not to. She said that it was a mistake that she regrets and never happened again after that and that she was trying to just forget about it and hoped I would never find out because she never wanted to hurt me. I told her that lies are always revealed. It may be immediately or several years later, but lies are always found out.

I asked her if she had slept with him after that, or with anyone else while we've been married. She said she hadn't, which at this point, I don't believe. I told her we have three choices, she can leave, I can leave, or I can choose to forgive her but it would take time. I also told her that I better never hear this guys name, see his number on her phone or phone records. I told her that I still love her, I'm just confused about what to do now. I told her that this happened for her 7 years ago, but for me it might as well have happened yesterday.

She tried to sleep on the couch last night, but I told her she could sleep in the bed with me if she wanted to. I really don't have it in me to be an ******* right now. This morning she was all weepy. I went about doing my normal morning ritual because I'm not ready to decide yet and I think it's too soon to decide. My nerves are just shot and I don't know what to do. This is the ultimate betrayal.
 
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#4 ·
I'm pretty sure they had slept together more than once. But, in the end once is all it takes. She will probably never confess to any other times and that is fine. He's in the military, so I could always threaten to tell his commanding officer about the affair, so I can get all the information.
 
#3 ·
Thanks for the compliment. I figured that tactic would get the turth one way or another. The sad thing is, I feel worse for having found out and at this point I don't trust much that she says. For all I know they slept together many more times. I would like to be able to forgive, I'm just not in the frame of mind to make that decision right now.

What did you do in your situation and why? I'm not looking for someone to tell me what I should do. I know only I can decide that. Thanks for any information.
 
#5 · (Edited)
It is very likely your wife is lying and has been in an ongoing affair with this guy, your issue is she will try sweep it under the rug. For openess tell her you want the whole truth, even suggest you know more than she thinks you do, it is your choice to forgive however as she has continued to maintain contact there is a lot more going on. She can start by sending him a mail that you read and verify that tells him you know of the affair and she wants no further contact with him , a template of the no contact letter is on the affaircare.com under the articles. Warn him in the letter if he does contact her she will lay a harassment charge against him.

To protect yourself from any future lies to her family either you together tell them of the affair or you tell them, do not give her the chance to call them to cover herself and her excuse is she had an argument is bull%**^

The only real way to get the truth from her is to polygraph her , if you go this route do not back down.
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#8 ·
I'm trying to find out how many times they slept together. I sent the OM a message telling him he owed me at least that much information. He may not answer, but I'm monitoring her cellular activity to see if she gets any messages from him. This will tell me that they are trying to get their stories straight. I know she is lying about how many times. But, your idea about a polygraph test is a good one. I found a place locally that does them. I'm going to tell her that she is going to take one and I will take one as well. This way we know what the truth is once and for all. She has accused me in the past, probably out of her own guilt, and I never have. I've come close twice, and she knows this, but I never followed through with it.
 
#10 ·
My fear is that it's going to get a lot worse if I choose to forgive too. She was all weepy this morning. I don't know if it's because of remorse or because I know they at least slept together once. Did your husband lie about how many times he cheated, did he continue to cheat after you forgave him, or was there so much resentment that the marriage continued to get worse?
 
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#12 ·
Well, I decided to find out a better way. I messaged the OM and asked him how many times he and she slept together. I told him, he could either tell me in the text or in front of his Commanding Officer. See, here in the states a military official will get into serious trouble for Adultery considering it's against the governing law of the U.S. military. They can be jailed and stripped of rank because of it.

At this point he responded and told me that they slept together twice during the time she stayed at his house 7 years ago and they both felt like **** for doing it and decided to stop and never speak of it again. I would tend to believe him because he is being faced with jail time through the military. I told him that I'm not a vindictive person and there was no need for get his CO involved.

I then sent a message to my wife and told her that I now know there were two times they slept together. She responded by saying she would pack her things this evening. I told her there was no need to, I just want honesty. It's amazing what a little cunning will get you. Knowing that they slept together twice doesn't really change anything. It just proves that she only told a half-truth.
 
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#19 ·
I have no idea what I was thinking when I sent her to stay at his house. At the time, he was in a committed relationship as well, he wasn't married though. I guess it was youthful stupidity at the time. I have known it was a mistake for years. I just found out the truth of why it was a mistake. And, I do plan on going through with the polygraph test. I also plan to have one done on myself for her. I want the entire truth of our life together to be laid out in black and white. She has accused me of cheating, probably out of her own guilt. I want her to know once and for all that I never touched another woman besides her, the entire time we have been together. I was put in a situation twice where I could have, but backed out at the last second. I have told her about both of these instances, because even getting to that point made me feel guilty. I also want to know once and for all how many men she has actually had an affair with.
 
#20 ·
After I confronted her, through text message, about having actually slept with him twice, she said she would pack her things and leave tonight after she got off of work. I'm still not sure that I want her to leave. I really don't know what I want. I need the results of a polygraph to figure it out once and for all.
 
#21 ·
Restless,

Does a polygraph matter? Two times, four, one hundred. Does that really change anything?

OK. So, ask yourself, and think hard....Do you want to keep the marriage? If not, thats fine. No one will judge you.

If you do...then...

1. Stop being so lovey and accomadating. If you are too lovey right now, what happens is that you give the impression that you will sweep this under the rug, without her doing the heavy lifting. This is not a good way to instill the respect you need.

2. Call up the OM. Tell him he is NEVER allowed to call, text, come by the house, anything, ever again.

3. Call up the in-law mother. Ask her how long she knew about the affair. Ask her why she didn't feel the need to tell you. It's obvious that she holds little respect for you either. Tell her she is not allowed in your family home ever again until you decide otherwise. She needs to respect you. Her behavior enabled your wife, in a way, in giving the impression that her infidelity was not that big a deal.

4. This is the biggest issue. Now, mostly what you did so far was excellent, like showing your personal boundaries, but some of the things your are doing are not so great....not bad...but not great.
Make her sleep on the couch for a while. Why? Because you are pissed. And your marital bed is only for your marriage partner, someone that is committed fully to the marriage. Until she shows you she is, it's couch time.

She wants to move out tonight. Fine. This is a ploy to see if you will cave. My response would be..."Well, I'm willing to allow you to work on this marriage, but if you just want to leave and not fully commit to repairing this relationship, then fine. Your free to go."
Dollars for donuts she wont bail. This is a type of fitness test.

Next. Don't be so available. Pick two nights a week, maybe three, whatever, to go hang out with the guys and do manly things. That is, if you aren't already. Go to the gym. Go shoot big guns. Do yoga. Whatever. Doesn't matter. Start focusing on you. This is important. You need to work on yourself, and get some independence back in your personality if you feel that you lost WAY TOO MUCH of it in your marriage, in that you focused only on her needs all the time, gave them priority, and let yours slip. I'm not sure if this is your case, but if it is, stop. Your needs are just as important as hers. They make you..well...you. They also make you a better man. Focus on you. Get stronger. Be manly. Stop focusing all your attention on her all the time if that is the case.

Ok. So...if she stays. Then ask her if she's committed and will work on the relationship. She needs to carry the weight here.
Don't give yourself a polygraph. You did nothing wrong. And you don't have to prove anything to her. Keep it at that. Besides, that's not going to win her back, if that's your plan.

Is that your plan? If so, there's more you need to do. If yes, then you are portraying too many Nice Guy traits. Go to the Mens Forum and read the sticky on Manning Up and Nice Guys. It's not your job to "win" her back. You are deserving of respect, and you are a catch. If she can't see that, then that's her problem. There are literally thousands of women out there that would be happy to be with you.

Good luck, friend! It's going to be a hard road.
 
#22 ·
I must have made it sound like her mother was aware of the affair. This isn't the case, or as far as I know isn't. My wife was trying to set her cousin up with this guy yesterday. I don't believe she is still having an affair with him anymore at this point. As far as another man, who knows, I don't. The messages between my wife and the OM supported that she was trying to set her cousin up with him. Her mom was a little drunk and found it funny that he was joking about how small his **** was in the text messages. My wife must have read that message aloud. My wife was the one that responded to him and told him he didn't have a small ****. I'm pretty sure her mother wasn't aware of the response.

I have to agree about the, "let her sleep on the couch". I guess I was a little too soft on that. I am going to make her aware that she needs to sleep there until I have decided to forgive her and she has committed herself to me again.

I also agree that the "I will pack my things when I get off of work" is a ploy to see if I'll cave. I told her already that I wasn't sure whether I wanted her to stay or leave, but if she decides to, then that's her choice and I will go see an attorney tomorrow to file for divorce.

I do try to focus on being an attentive husband. Sometimes I can be an @$$hole, but I'm sure every man has that capability, just like every woman has the capability to be *****y. I don't rightly know of anything I ever did to deserve "this" though. I will stop pandering to her so much. I also need to go and hang out with friends more often. That's something that suffered a lot while we have been married. We are pretty much stuck up each others hind end when we are off of work.

I think I agree with you on the polygraph. There's nothing I need to prove. I didn't do anything wrong to begin with. And, there really is no need for it with her because I've already discovered she is a liar and paying for a polygraph to back that up is just a waste of money that may be needed for an attorney. The only reason I would want to know about other men is so that I can be tested for STD's. Which I'm going to have done regardless.

I'm just not sure I want to forgive her at this point. I'm not too sure I want to even continue being married to her. I will forgive her one day, for myself, regardless of whether we stay married or not.
 
#24 ·
You need more information at this point. I doubt you have the whole picture yet.

She seems awful quick to want to pack her bags and go??? She either wants out or is trying to play you for a pass on this one.


Whatever you do, don't send her off to another male friend's house while you figure out what you want. Figure out what you want first, then if you decide you want to be rid her... then send her packing.

Best of luck.
 
#25 ·
"I really don't have it in me to be an ******* right now."- This is your problem- You're too damn nice. You need to keep her on her toes by being a little more apprehensive about the situation. I find it kind of odd that she would actually leave just like that, without begging for forgiveness, or trying her damn hardest to convince you of her remorse. I don't know about this one.
 
#27 ·
One thing that struck me was that this event happened 6-7 years ago but she somehow remembered that he didn't have a small "Tool"!!! :rolleyes: Look she remained friends with this guy!!! That says alot right there!!!

Also as a 20 year retired vet..... the military won't put him jail for screwing a non-military members spouse but it could effect his rating and ability to re-enlist. If it were a military members wife then he would be crushed!!! But it still should scare the crap out of him.:D
 
#28 ·
So she remembered his size. I remember guys from 20 years ago. And unless someone EA reAlly memorable for being far on either edge of the spectrum. It OS reasonable to.conclude they were just fine no matter bow long ago or vague your memory. Further how many friends would you say you tell them they are right. You are small
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#29 ·
I have to say, the whole marriage has been a lie from the beginning. When one spouse cheats in the FIRST year of marriage, it taints the whole marriage. And supposedly over ONE argument and she fu#ks this guy? He obviously didn't rape her. She chose to have sex with this guy, so she was obviously attracted to him before she married you and vice versa.

Remember the Trickle Truth. You have only discovered the tip of the iceberg. And don't believe the OM just because he said so. He won't confess to you, and I don't care if he's in the military or not. All you have is basically his word and your WWs word, not hard evidence that would stand as evidence in an Article 15, much less a court martial. From the way she has been guarding her phone from you, it's obvious the affair has been ongoing, whether or not they slept 2 times or a hundred times.

And yes, your wife is in a Long Term Affair (LTA), and this has been going on for 7 years, the entire length of your marriage. Maybe it went from a PA to an EA, but it's still cheating. And you don't even know when the last time she had sex with this guy. You have to remember that she's kept this a secret from you for 7 years. It's been more than once or twice.

Either way, you are still in the initial shock/denial/survival mode. At this point, you feel like you love her so much you are willing to do anything to forgive her and save the marraige. You will probably hit your Anger stage in the next couple of months and you will wonder why the hell are you staying with her. In the meantime, you are going to be on this emotional roller coaster.

Follow the advice above. Have her send the NC letter ASAP. Install computer monitoring software on the computer and her phone if possible. Get a VAR, and be prepared to monitor her. There may be a secret email account and secret cell phone. You have to know for certain if the A is still ongoing, and if she breaks NC.

She must be totally transparent with all passwords to all accounts, cell phones, emails. If she isn't and insists its an invasion of privace, let her know that you now have EVERY RIGHT since she has seriously damaged the marriage. If she doesn't do so willingly, then she is not remorseful and not ready to R.

Get tested for STDs, there's always the possibility she has gotten something, and no, don't believe her if she says they used protection. They almost always never do.

Polygraph her if you can afford it. If you decide to R, you have to stand strictly by your requirements. Remember, if she receives ANY communication from him and she doesn't tell you about it, that is also breaking NC. At this early stage, either she or he will attempt to fish and break NC. They almost always do, especially since this is an LTA. They just don't drop their affair partner overnight when they've spent years in an LTA.
 
#30 ·
Update:

We spoke last night after she got home from work. I asked her why she lied and told me they only slept together once. She asked me if it made it easier to find out it happened twice. I told her that at this point the truth is her friend and that if she wishes for me to decide to forgive her, she needs to be completely transparent to me. I told her that I scheduled a polygraph for Friday after work and that she will submit to it. I told her that if she is caught in any lies, she's gone. She said she had not problem with taking the polygraph. I guess this may be a good sign that she is telling the truth. I know she could be lying and cave the night before and spill the truth. Either way, by Friday afternoon I will have all the answers I need to determine whether I can even start to entertain the thought of forgiveness.

She asked me what I wanted to do. I told her that in the emotional state I am in right now (Anger), she really doesn't want my decision. She asked what the decision would be and I told her that if she wanted a decision then, it would be for her to pack her things and leave for good. After a confronted her about her lie yesterday, she said she was going to pack her things and leave when she got off of work. This was a ploy, just as someone earlier had stated.

She continued to tell me that she was in a lot of pain over what she had done and she never wanted to hurt me. I told her that she had no right to try to compare her pain and suffering to mine. She committed the ultimate betrayal and all the times I might have been an a$$h0le, put together, would not come close to the first time they slept together, let alone the second time as well. I also told her she was a hypocrite for accusing me of ever having had an affair on her. She had done this twice, after the affair. I guess it's true that people that have affairs tend to accuse the other spouse of having one as well. I came close twice but pulled my self out of it. She already knew about both times because I don't carry guilt around very well.

I told her shame on her for coming down on me, when I accused her of cheating on me with this man several times during our marriage and making me feel like a jack@$$ for not trusting her. I told her that keeping him around after the affair, even is nothing was still going on, was a slap in the face to me. I told her I wasn't too sure that they didn't have the affair the entire time we were married. I said that we would find out Friday from the polygraph. She still maintained that those were the only times and said she couldn't wait to prove it to me Friday.

We have already sent a NC to the OM. I made sure that she knew what she was signing and what it meant if any of the terms of the NC were broken, by her, in any way. She said that she understood. I told her that if he tried to contact her in any way, she was to tell me immediately. I also told her that if I find out they had contact in any way and I wasn't made fully aware of it, she was gone for good.

She said this morning that she no longer wanted to use the cell phone that was in my name because she didn't want me to continue monitoring her phone. I told her she had two options, either continue to use that cell phone or have no cell phone at all. I told her that if I found out about another cell phone of any kind, secret or even if she told me about it, she would be gone. I told her I have every right to look at the call and text message logs now and that if I looked at her phone and noticed that a message or call was deleted that was on the log, she was gone.

I'm pretty sure it was a LTA, even if by some chance there weren't any more sexual indiscretions, there was definitely and EA going on through the years or there wouldn't have been that slight hint of jealousy in her voice when he introduced us to a new girlfriend. The EA is just as bad if not worse than the PA. Although, it was probably a full on affair for our entire marriage. If I find out this is the case from the polygraph, my decision is made and final and I will go directly to a divorce attorney on Monday.
 
#35 · (Edited)
First let me say that you are doing great, and that I admire your strength and resolve in this. What you are doing is standing your ground and fighting for your marriage.

We spoke last night after she got home from work. I asked her why she lied and told me they only slept together once. She asked me if it made it easier to find out it happened twice. I told her that at this point the truth is her friend and that if she wishes for me to decide to forgive her, she needs to be completely transparent to me. I told her that I scheduled a polygraph for Friday after work and that she will submit to it. I told her that if she is caught in any lies, she's gone. She said she had not problem with taking the polygraph. I guess this may be a good sign that she is telling the truth. I know she could be lying and cave the night before and spill the truth. Either way, by Friday afternoon I will have all the answers I need to determine whether I can even start to entertain the thought of forgiveness.
Yes, you caught her first TT where she only admitted to one time and the OM admitted to two times. They ALWAYS minimize the extent of the affair, hence the term trickle truth.

I've read many stories where the WS will readily agree to the polygraph, in the hopes that you are bluffing. Don't be surprised if she tries to back out at the last minute, with excuses like you don't really need one, or citing the expense. You may even possibly get the "parking lot" confession, where she will tearfully confess to a little more about the A in the parking lot before going inside, in the hopes that you won't go through with the polygraph. I truly hope that this won't be the case with you and it was truly only twice (which hurts just the same anyway).

She said this morning that she no longer wanted to use the cell phone that was in my name because she didn't want me to continue monitoring her phone. I told her she had two options, either continue to use that cell phone or have no cell phone at all. I told her that if I found out about another cell phone of any kind, secret or even if she told me about it, she would be gone. I told her I have every right to look at the call and text message logs now and that if I looked at her phone and noticed that a message or call was deleted that was on the log, she was gone.
Like jellybeans said, a huge red flag. You already know that you have every right to monitor since she cheated, especially since that is a physical instrument of the A. A good way to ensure there is no secret cell phone or find out if there is one, is to purchase a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) or two. A strategic place to place one is usually under the drivers seat of her vehicle. If there is one place cheaters feel secure with talking to their affair partner is in their vehicle. HurtinginTennessee placed a hidden VAR near the computer and got a hit and discovered a 2nd secret cell phone. On the SI site, there is a poster named ChoppingOnions. He wasn't getting hits on the VAR in the normal places because his WW is an experienced cheater. He got the guts to hide it in her purse! She didn't discover it and it blew his mind that he discovered that there is an OM#2 and the VAR showed she told her OM#2 to stop calling or texting her for a while because ChoppingOnions was on to her. A VAR can definitely help if the cheaters decide to take the A underground. This is in addition to any computer monitoring software and possibly phone monitoring software.

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Why do you have to practically be a PI? Because like most of us, you have invested years, money, and love into the marriage, so it's not that easy to walk away from without definite proof of broken NC, or she has kept NC. You want to be able to begin to trust her. This starts with her being transparent, and with you verifying that there is NC between them. As time goes by and you find no renewed contact, you will start to begin to feel safe again. You will begin to start trusting again since you have verified NC. And as time goes by, you will find yourself checking on her less and less often. This is how trust is rebuilt.

I'm pretty sure it was a LTA, even if by some chance there weren't any more sexual indiscretions, there was definitely and EA going on through the years or there wouldn't have been that slight hint of jealousy in her voice when he introduced us to a new girlfriend. The EA is just as bad if not worse than the PA. Although, it was probably a full on affair for our entire marriage. If I find out this is the case from the polygraph, my decision is made and final and I will go directly to a divorce attorney on Monday.
Even if it reverted to an EA only, that is just as hurtful and agonizing. She shared the most intimate thoughts and details of herself with an OM instead of you. There is that deep emotional connection between them that should have been reserved soley for you because you are her spouse, not him. I feel for you, I know how it feels.

You are doing great! Keep to your boundaries and I hope all goes well for you and that the polygraph goes good. Remember, she has to do the heavy lifting now that she has cheated. Trust but verify!
 
#32 ·
To the OP, first of all... hats off to you for handling this situation this way. Its a shame you couldn't pick up the phone immediately after getting the OM's number of times he slept with her, and call her and said, i found out it was more than once. This way she could of come clean on more of a solid number. More than likely, once he admitted to you it was only 2x, he contacted her to make sure she stuck to that number. But at this point, i would assume the worst, and that it has probably gone on for years.

I always said i could forgive an affair, if i was mistreating you, pretty much drove you into the arms of another man. But if that wasn't the case at all, and you just were being selfish... i would have serious concerns about giving it another go. But like it is now, its all on her, if she does the right thing... you guys can get through this... could luck.
 
#33 ·
Eh. Sorry you find yourself in this situation.
My bet is this has been going on behind your back for a long long time, perhaps your entire marriage.

Now I could be wrong but my bet is that it was never completely over between them.

What is the backstory wtih this guy. How does she know him? Did they ever date before you and her got together? Your gut was right on the money--you suspected there was something "off" about them and you were correct. The fact he'd have lots of girlfriends and she'd act really jealous is very telling.

Her texting him about his size--sure, we women remember details like that but she is MARRIED to YOU so that was totally inappropriate for her to be talking about it with him.

My bet is she and he spoke and got their stories straightened out. She said it happened once, he said two. It was probably more. Get tested for STDs.

Also, when you asked her "Why did say it happened once when it was twice" and she asked you if it would make you better it it was only one time...TOTAL DEFLECTION. She didn't even answer your question!
But that is neither here nor there.

My feeling is this was a Long-Term Affair. I could be wrong but that is the way it comes across to me. It's more of a betrayal sine they were friends in front of your face and still texting about d!ck size.

Advice: first you need to figure out what you want. If it's to be with her, he needs to be out of her life 100%. Not more friendship w/ this guy. If you want out, file for divorce.

Have you talked to him since?

She said this morning that she no longer wanted to use the cell phone that was in my name because she didn't want me to continue monitoring her phone

This is very telling and a huge red flag. :eek:



 
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