Wife cheating, I really don't think it will stop
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 05-31-2011, 04:53 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife cheating, I really don't think it will stop

I need advice. I am totally confused, and have no idea what to do.

A couple of months ago, my wife told me that she cheated on me. We had been hanging out with a bunch of people and she had sex with someone. When she told me, I just cried forever. I didn't know what else to do. However, she was drunk at the time if that matters. Based on that, and the fact that I love her and she confessed on her own, and that I don't want to ruin the lives of my two children, I forgave her and we moved on.

Recently, she had been acting odd. She kept asking to check my phone for text messages, and saying that she smelled womens perfume and deodorant on me (FYI, I have NOT been cheating and I work in an office full of men). Last night, she was texting in the store and I tried to look at her phone. She fought me tooth and nail for it, but when I got it I noticed that it was password protected. She refused to tell me what the password was, and said that the message was something personal her sister sent me, and her sister didn't want me to know.

When I got home I went on the internet and looked at her text messages records. It was from our California area code, and her sister lives in Chicago. To stop rambling, it ended up being one of her old sex buddys that she has been sexting and reminiscing about old sexual encounters with. She says nothing physical happened with him yet. She also says that the multimedia messages she sent / received were jokes and not audio and video of them messing around. I asked if there had been any audio video stuff and she said 'I don't think so but I don't recall. I don't believe that for a second. I asked if there was more / other people and she said no.

I feel obligated to write this next part. Early in our marriage (4 year anniversary soon) I wrote dirty to two girls I never met before on the internet. Totally wrong. I felt like the scum of the earth for what I'd done. When we talked about it I admitted everything, cried to her, and told her it would never happen again. It hasn't.

However, when I bring up this latest incident to her, it's different. She shows no remorse, and tries to justify her actions (We don't talk dirty EVERY time we text, for example). I've told her that I feel very hurt and I don't know what to do, and her response is 'well, I don't know what to tell you'. I honestly feel like she wants a divorce, but doesn't want to initiate it, so eventually all the sneaking around will be discovered and I'll divorce her.

Sorry for the mismatched rambling, but I am hurt and confused. I have not been perfect, but I kept my word. I don't want to think that because I screwed up in the past, I have to be treated like this.

MOST IMPORTANTLY, I love my kids. I don't want to hurt them or ruin their lives, but I don't know what hope there is for my marriage. She has cheated in every relationship she has been in, and apparently this one is no different. Any advise would be great. Please. Thanks for reading my novel here.

EDIT: I forgot to add that we have been to two marriage counselors. She has refused to go back to either, one after one visit and one after two.

Last edited by justwow; 05-31-2011 at 04:59 PM.
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Old 05-31-2011, 05:12 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheating, I really don't think it will stop

No remorse, no desire to participate in MC, not good signs to me. I'd insist on no contact and require her to share her passwords, etc. She obviously lies to you. In her current frame of mind, she won't stop. You need to ask yourself if you will be her doormat and want to raise your kids like that.
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Old 05-31-2011, 05:13 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheating, I really don't think it will stop

May be you are not going to like this.
record all these messages, get a copy, monitor computer activity, go to court and divorce her. she is playing with you.
better be safe than staying with her then getting STD.
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Old 05-31-2011, 05:13 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheating, I really don't think it will stop

Quote:
Originally Posted by justwow View Post
We don't talk dirty EVERY time we text, for example).
There you go. Not inappropriate EVERY time. It's only a part time affair. Only OCCASIONAL infidelity. What's your problem? And she already admitted to the OTHER infidelity. Get over it already.

Sorry. No human being could be that stupid to expect her husband to believe this is anything but what it is.

SCARE THE CRAP OUT OF HER!!! Bundle up the kids and go to your parents. Tell her that until this is over, you're separated. If it doesn't end, divorce. I don't know different state laws, but I'd guess that courts give kids to the more responsible parent just about everywhere.
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Old 05-31-2011, 05:17 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheating, I really don't think it will stop

If she refuses to cut off her affairs and has no remorse, you have 2 options: accept living in an open marriage or be done with her. Did she have sex with the guy at the party while you were also there? Also...I am curious...did she cheat on her last guy with you?
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Old 05-31-2011, 05:18 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheating, I really don't think it will stop

You mention wanting advice...

First question and only one that matters, what do you want?

When you know what you want (in or out) and your 100% commited to that, we can help. You may not get exactly what you want, but the collective wisdom here can certainly point you on the track that will give you the best chance of getting it. There will be a whole group of people here that will hold your hand through it, but you have to tell us which way you want to walk.

Start with what you want. Before you know what that is, nothing else really matters.
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Old 05-31-2011, 05:23 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheating, I really don't think it will stop

This is a really bad sign. If she is not in a EA she is heading for one quickly. I would let her family, your family and all your friends know. See if you can find out who she is sexting. If they find out she is married, they might stop. She will be angry, but she may stop out of embarrassment.

Next I would put spy software on the phone, to catch all of her texting. I would not cancel the phone contract, she will just get her own phone. Put a GPS tracker in her car, in case she wants to hook up with these weasels.

She is getting some of her needs met through this behavior. Get 'His Needs/ Her Needs' try to get her to read it. You can both fill out the questionnaires, and find out how to take care of each other.
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Old 05-31-2011, 05:36 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheating, I really don't think it will stop

Jellybeans, when I met her she was single, so she did not cheat on her last man with me. And yes, I was walking between the party and my in laws house but she screwed him sometime while I was there, or at least around.

POMS, To be honest I don't know what I want. I guess in a perfect world I would want to be with the mother of my kids in a faithful relationship and have the best family possible. However, based on my knowledge of her past cheatings, both with me and other people, I just can't see it. Even if she were to tell me today right here and now that she will never have any inappropriate contact, verbal, physical or whatever with another guy, I wouldn't be able to bring myself to believe it. Perhaps that is my own character defect saying that, I just believe it is the reasonable, logical, brutally honest side of me saying that. I listed my own shortcoming in my original post to acknowledge that I am not perfect, but I don't feel that I should have to live a life being my wife's private investigator. If there is any hope that we can live a faithful life together, please tell me, as I would love to hear it. However, I want honest replies, which is what all of you have given me, so I truly thank you.

Let me just add these two text messages we just exchanged:

Me: Can you even say honestly that you think this will stop? Honestly.

Her: I can't say for sure but I can definitely try my hardest to stop Hun!

What?!? You can't even make a committment to me that you won't cheat again? Are you freakin kidding me? Am I overreacting, or just seeing this for what it is? Thanks for the help, every post really helps, and that is the truth.

Last edited by justwow; 05-31-2011 at 05:45 PM.
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Old 05-31-2011, 05:42 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheating, I really don't think it will stop

Cypress, her family knew about the first affair when she had sex with that guy. They kept her secret for her and don't give a rats behind. Her mom got divorced because she cheated on her husband, and one sister is currently cheating on her husband (and they have three kids). Her family just doesn't care. I don't know if they know about the sexting, but I'll bet they do. The person she is sexting knows she has a family. I could tell my parents...wow, that would be a nightmare. My wife would never forgive me for that, but maybe I should. My parents are anti-divorce no matter what, and would tell us to work through it with a counselor, despite two failed tries. From what I know, you get out of counseling what you put into it, and based off of our last two tries, she won't be putting much into a third time.
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Old 05-31-2011, 05:59 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheating, I really don't think it will stop

Get on to MarriageBuilders.com and start reading. Nothing you are going through is unique. Start a thread in the Infidelity forum. You will have a large number of knowledgeable and experienced people helping you.
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Old 05-31-2011, 06:01 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheating, I really don't think it will stop

Great advice, cypress. That site gives great advise.
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Old 05-31-2011, 06:10 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheating, I really don't think it will stop

OK, I will check that site too. Thanks to everyone who responds, as everything I read helps.

In my opinion, that text message confirms my worst fears. She is not willing to make a committment to stop cheating. She left the door wide open to cheat again, because now if she does she can say 'Well, I tried". Again, trying be realistic as much as it hurts and makes me want to cry, that does not sound like the talk of someone who is willing to do whatever it takes to keep the marriage together and not have affairs or cheat.
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Old 05-31-2011, 06:30 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheating, I really don't think it will stop

It's so funny to see a story almost identical to mine. My wife cheated and then started the very same thongs your wife is doing with the sexting and stuff. She then told me that by asking her to stop, I was forcing her to make a decision about us (we had separated in order to give her space or so I thought). Sadly to say, my wife hasn't stopped yet.
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Old 05-31-2011, 07:12 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheating, I really don't think it will stop

And that's what I am afraid of. I love my wife to death, but given her history and her refusal to commit to not cheating ever again, I feel that continuing would just be setting myself up for heartbreak (again). I wish it weren't true, but that is the reality as I see it. In that text message where I asked if she honestly thought this would stop, I would have liked to see a response that said 'I'll do whatever it takes' or 'I'll do such and such to make sure this never happens again'. To me, saying that she is 'not sure, but she will try her hardest' is leaving the door open for more affairs. Why else would you say you aren't sure if you can stop. I'm trying to be realistic despite the pain. Am I off base, or do I have this right?

Last edited by justwow; 05-31-2011 at 07:17 PM.
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Old 05-31-2011, 07:34 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife cheating, I really don't think it will stop

You're pretty much on the money. She will only stop when she wants to.
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