Her friends are making this worse than it needs to be. First they tell me in a round a bout way that she is seeing someone, then I find out from one of her coworkers that she is not, but rather that she wants to be with me, but cannot be, as I will not trust her.
She is upset, according to them, that I cannot trust her, and yes I did check the cell phone records, I think I have had cause.
Either she is telling me the truth about not ever loving me, and she is lying to save face at her job, or she really does want to be with me, but can't see how to, as she feels I do not trust her and she does not trust me.
I am by no means an expert (I've got my own issue at home that I can't figure out), but maybe it is time for both of you to agree to sit back and relax a bit - call a truce. Agree to live together with the kids in peace, and not talk about your situation for a week or so. If the trust is not there for either of you, then you both will need to earn that back. If both of you are constantly trying to one-up each other, then all you are doing is getting ready for battle and not resoving any of the issues. Eventually her nerves (and yours) will calm down and you can start to open up the conversations again, but in baby steps.
The good news is she's still there and hasn't completely given up yet. The fact that she is so emotional about the situation tells me that there may still be feelings there.
Just called her at work to see how her day was going, and also to let her know what was going on with our daughter this week.
She was nice, I was nice, and we did not speak of splitting anything for the first time in days.
I want to do something, anything to show her that she will be able to trust me, and I her, but I think talking about anything will be hurtful at this point.
I think I need to relax, chill out, and do nothing, I mean nothing. She asked me to help split up things, but she hasn't split up anything yet, I guess I will go at her pace.
This is hard for me, as I am a go getter, and plan out tasks and plow forward with them. I hear the truth in what her co workers said, I hear the truth in her voice, but I also see she is resigned that this will not work, or at least she sees it now.
She told me for the first time perhaps we both share the responsibility of this going bad. That was last night.
As hard as it is, as it is against my nature, I guess I have to back off even more, and just everytime we chat, I will not bring anything up, and if she does and asks if we are splitting XYZ, I guess my best answer would be "if that is what you want I will"
I even told her today I love her, she didn't get all worked up, but simply said I know.
Perhaps, just perhaps there is some hope, if I can manage myself, and not push, but let it go at her speed.
I told her I felt sorry for her, not getting to see her daughter as much as she likes, and that I would help out with anything she needed.
At this time she may not want it to work because it isn't now, and she only sees it getting worse. I have to agree, I wouldn't want it to work the way it is now either. Don't push it, but again suggest that you both just back down and relax for a while, regardless of the future outcome. I have a feeling that she will be more than willing to relieve some of the stress. I have a feeling that her stress and emotions are causing her irrational behavior lately.
From your standpoint, and I'm sure you are already doing most of this, be sure you are being the best husband/father you can. Show her in your action, not words. Also be confident and show her that you can be the person that she wants to be with.
I have noticed that you have a strange way of communicating. You write really well, everything makes sense, and yet (unless you are the king of PMs) you do not seem to engage with anybody in your threads.
If this is how you and your wife's conversations go, I would imagine you are both living in a bubble of your own - presuming to understand each other, but actually missing each other's meanings most of the time.
Listened to what she said this morning, and it went like this-
She is starting to move money to put away for her to leave, moving money out of our shared account. Said there is no way she will ever want to be with me again, said there are too many issues- trust, communication and the fact she has no feelings towards me at all. I told her those can come back, if you want them to. She said she does not want them to.
Said that she has no feelings towards me whatsoever, and that she just wants me to accept there is no us. She said no matter how much I change, that the damage has been done, and she is 99.9% sure nothing will change during the seperation period of one year here in MD.
She hopes that I do not get vengeful and try to destroy her, as I had in relationships years ago when I realize it is over.
I never destroyed anyone, yes I talked bad about the relationship, but never did anything to hurt anyone.
Said that she hopes for our daughters sake that I do not get vengeful.
Said that even though every other girl I ever dated came back after a while, said she will not, and not to bet on that. I asked her not to use that against me, and if she wants to come back, that she doesn't hold out for that reason.
She has been really mean recently, perhaps because I tell her I do not believe it is over for good, that I believe in us and her.
She said- what do I have to do to show you it is over? Sleep with someone else?
I am her first and only relationship ever, she has nothing to base this situation on.
I guess I have to accept what she is saying and just let her go, even though it makes me sick on the stomach, for I know what I have lost, and would do anything to get it back, but I feel perhaps I need to stop trying to work on us, believe her, and start working on me.
She always has been strong, I have always been the weak one, I guess I have to accept it, and move on.
I am scared silly of being alone, I have never spent more than 5-6 months of my life without someone, and the thought of a year plus terrifies me. I know if I have any hope of it ever working out, I cannot just go on and see other people, but I am starting to feel like I want to now. If it is not going to work with her, then perhaps I need to get back in the saddle and drive on.
Is it wrong to feel that way?
I will always regret this relationship and the way it went, and wish I had done differently, but if I cannot change the outcome, should I just let it go, and move on?