The Betrayed Spouse Script
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 06-02-2011, 02:58 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default The Betrayed Spouse Script

Common Terms/Phrases About Infidelity

Bunny Boiler - taken from the Glenn Close character in 'Fatal Attraction', boiling her Ex'es pet rabbit. After a relationship break up, the person who wants some kind of revenge, like stalking, or harassment

Cake Eater – taken from the common phrase: Having their cake and eating it too. When the WS wants to have the security of marriage while at the same time, enjoy the affair. When the spouses are separated, the WS is described as cake eating when they try to keep in contact with the WS and give them the idea that the marriage can be salvaged, yet they are still carrying on the affair, in essence, keeping the BS on the line as their back up plan. Another term is “on the fence”.

DDay – Otherwise known as Discovery Day. This is the initial period when the BS actually learns of the affair, either through investigation, being informed of the A, or if the WS confesses to the A. The initial pain that occurs on DDay can be indescribable.

Emotional Roller Coaster – a normal result of being betrayed after D-Day. The BS will experience wide swings of emotion after being betrayed. These feelings can change from moment to moment or day to day, or as the result of having a trigger. One moment, the BS will feel extreme anger towards their WS, then the emotion swings the other way and they will feel love toward their WS and feel they cannot live without them.

False R – False Reconciliation is when the WS has kept in contact with the Other Person (OP) and taken the affair underground and the BS discovers the communication, or when the WS breaks No Contact (NC) and it is discovered. This False R is another DDay.

Fishing – due to the extremely strong addiction that an affair brings, one of the affair partners will break NC and attempt to send out a feeler or “fish” for renewed contact. This can be as simple as a “How are you?”, “Are you okay?”, “Miss You”, etc, which can be sent thru email, text, or a brief phone call.

Fog - The term “affair fog” is often used by experts and affair victims to describe the euphoria that someone involved in an affair feels. Think of how good you felt when you first fell in love. During this period, the cheater will often rationalize their actions in order to minimize their feelings of guilt — often to the extent that they “invent” reasons for having the affair in the first place. Healing from infidelity is impossible while one is in this fog.

The wayward spouse may convince themselves that they are in a bad marriage or that their spouse doesn’t really love or understand them, when that really isn’t necessarily the case. Soon the cheating spouse begins to actually believe these lies that they have been telling themselves and therefore act accordingly by treating their spouse badly yet treating their affair partner in a loving and affectionate way. This is how the affair addiction begins to take momentum.

An affair fog is nothing more than a fantasy created by the affair partners. All the wonderful qualities each partner possess are without flaws, weaknesses or selfishness. The affair partners are under the influence of an addictive drug similar to a teenager in love, and unfortunately it is very difficult to remove them from this fog.

http://coachingwithcouples.com/2010/06/the-affair-fog/

Hypervigilance – after the emotional devastation of D-Day, the BS often becomes hypervigilant because of the extreme emotional trauma as the result of all trust being broken by the WS. The BS will be watching the WS intensely, looking for any and all threats.

Hysterical Bonding – from the SI website: Upon being confronted with the undeniable reality that their most trusted spouse has betrayed them with another, some BS's experience an overwhelming sexual desire for their wayward spouse. Many couples claim to have had the best, most intense and loving sex of their relationship during the period following the discovery of an affair, (generally a few weeks to several months), often trying new things and experimenting in ways they had never considered before. This phenomenon is termed "Hysterical Bonding.

There is very little information on this phenomenon, but it appears to be a primal, instinctual way for the partners to reconnect and reclaim each other. While it may feel counter-intuitive to the BS; as if they are "rewarding" the WS for the affair, hysterical bonding can be a stepping stone to reconciliation. The intimacy encourages communication and a closeness that may otherwise take some time to re-build.

The occurrence or absence of hysterical bonding does not appear to be an indicator of successful reconciliation. Many other factors, such as the WS's remorse and openness are far more reliable indicators. Hysterical bonding is, however, normal, and nothing for the BS to be alarmed about or ashamed about experiencing. In fact, it has been said it is the one positive in an otherwise long and miserable experience, so enjoy it while it lasts!

Limbo – This is the stage every BS is in on and after DDay. The A can still be ongoing, or it may have already stopped. It’s called limbo because the BS has not moved toward D, and he/she not moved toward R. Only decisive action towards R or D will get the BS out of limbo. Many BSs are in False R because they tried to R too quickly before conditions and requirements for True R are met, and are therefore still in limbo. Being in limbo can be the most agonizing part of discovering an A.

Mind Movies – This is when a BS has flashbacks or imagines what the BS was doing with their AP, such as imagining them texting or talking on the phone, chatting on the computer, and/or imagining their WS having sex with their AP. Some mind movies are actually worse than what happened in reality, while others are tame in comparison to what their WS did with their AP (think porno style sex). Many BSs constantly have mind movies during the intial period right after DDay, or even before DDay when they suspect their WS is having an A. Mind movies can occur at any stage of the healing process, although it seems to occur less and less frequently as time goes by and the R process is going fairly well.

Rug Sweeping – the act of forgiving a wayward spouse for the affair too quickly and trying to reconcile with the WS and move on and put the affair behind them. This is the most common mistake that newly betrayed spouses make. No issues are resolved, and usually results in another D-Day. BS’s and WS’s rug sweep for different reasons. BS’s rug sweep because they are in shock and denial, want to avoid any further emotional pain and desperately want to save their marriages. WSs rug sweep because they don’t want to be held accountable for the affair and suffer any further guilt (if they have any guilt at all), or they want to take the affair further underground.

Going Underground – Upon being discovered on D-Day, because of the addictive nature of the affair and the WS still being in the fog, the WS will often continue the affair using more secretive means

Trickle Truth (TT) - the act of minimizing actions during an affair. The WS will often only admit after many denials, that information that he/she thinks their BS knows about. The truth only slowly trickles out after each new discovery that the BS makes. Each time TT happens, it is considered another D-Day, sending the BS into yet another agonizing incident of pain. For example: A WS will often say their AP is just a friend, then the BS will discover more. Only when confronted with more evidence or further questioning, the WS may only admit to hugging and/or kissing, then when confronted with more evidence or questioning, admit to having oral sex, or a single sexual encounter, when in reality, it was more than a single sexual encounter. WSs will often say the sex was bad.

Triggers - These are events or circumstances that will “trigger” a BSs memory of the A, or even trigger a mind movie. These can range from a holiday, a picture, the way a BS acts, etc. Basically anything that triggers a memory of the A or mind movies. Triggers can be devastating, and reminds the BS of the pain they experienced from the A. A remorseful WS should be helping the BS when he/she triggers. Triggers seem to come less and less often as time goes by. Some will always have some kind of trigger that reminds them of the A. It is completely normal to have triggers.

True R – True Reconciliation is when the WS has kept NC with their AP and it has been verified. This is when the WS is truly remorseful in their actions. They are willingly transparent, and their behavior has changed and they have recommitted to their BS, the marriage, and/or any children. A truly remorseful WS will not rug sweep and is willing to discuss the A without getting defensive. They are willing to be transparent without getting defensive. They are willing to do anything to help the BS regain their trust in them. Both spouses are working on themselves and the marriage.

Last edited by lordmayhem; 11-28-2011 at 02:03 AM. Reason: Edited for content
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Old 06-02-2011, 10:11 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Betrayed Spouse Script

Nice summary, thanks! Would be very helpful for people new to the site.
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Old 06-02-2011, 10:13 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I don't really see this as the BS script but more as what things they go through.

The Script is what they say.

I will copy/paste what I wrote in another thread about this:

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Originally Posted by Jellybeans View Post
Well the basic notion is that lies beget more lies. And eventually if you are lying enough, you will f-ck up somewhere. It's hard to keep lots of lies straight.



Yep. That is why they call it THE SCRIPT. And it is a total pattern--all the stories sound the same.

That's why when we're reading stories from new poster, we can usually tell w/in the first 5 sentences what the deal is:

Example: "I have been married for X yrs and love my W/H very much. Lately they have been acting cold/distant and very irritable. We've been fighting a lot lately and I can't put my finger on it but something is wrong....He/she is saying they are done with the marriage. That there is is no hope for reconcilation/they do'nt want counselling/"I love you but I'm not in love with you"

Fill in the blanks with more blah, blah, blah...

He/she has been talking to/texting someone he/she says they are just a friend (or, he/she has been weird with the phone/hiding their phone a lot or taking calls away from me).

I am committed to working on my marriage and know we can get through this."

Then we ask "Is your spouse having an affair?"

Then they say (very matter-of-factly, if I may add), "Oh, no way. Never. My H/W would never do such a thing, in fact he/she hate cheaters and there is just no way. I am sure of that. No offense to you guys, but I know him/her very well. They wouldn't do that and anyway, don't have the time or motivation."

If there is no OM/OW, great.

If there is, a few weeks/days later we hear 'OMFG...I just found out he/she is having an affair. WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!"


And we feel sad for being being able to predict it. Because it's not a fun thing to be right about.

See, the waywards have a script, but so do the betrayed.
I do agree that LIMBO is the worst of the worst. There is no greater hell than LIMBO in my opinion.
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Old 06-02-2011, 10:23 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: The Betrayed Spouse Script

What I like to call my survival mode was nothing as you describe. Mine involved planning the future with my kids and myself and I didn't give a rats ass about my wife's future at that point. I never once begged and pleaded. My mode/transformation was simply protection of my 2 girls and myself, only.
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Cold, stare you right in the face and lie without any emotion. Damn the LIES!
My Story
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Old 06-02-2011, 11:03 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I think it's also possible to go through some of these stages in rapid succession. Denial lasted only about 5 minutes. Then I rotated between anger and depression for about a week. I was on my way to acceptance by our first MC two weeks later.

I think a huge part of my progession was how my DS responded to me and the situation. The fog lifted for him when I first said I wanted a divorce within 12 hours of discovery. He talked me into doing nothing until we talked to a MC. I bombarded him with questions. No detail too small. Incredibly painful to hear, but cathartic. Even went through every old text H sent me during his A, found out which ones were lies. I did get the trickle truth at first, but it ended within a few days.

Lordmayhem, I'm sure many people will find your post helpful, so much of it rings true. I'm sure the progession of emotions and individual experience is dependent on the DS, the situation, and themselves. At least it helps give a baseline, so you don't think you're crazy on d-day.
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Old 06-02-2011, 11:06 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I think a huge part of my progession was how my DS responded to me and the situation. The fog lifted for him when I first said I wanted a divorce within 12 hours of discovery. He talked me into doing nothing until we talked to a MC.
I am telling you...this is the ONLY way!!!!!!!!!!!! Over and over again ...most of the reconciliation stories I hear about are when the BS stands their ground immediately and says "I'm not going to deal with this BS."

The longer Limbo lasts, the worse chances are for reconciliation.
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Old 06-03-2011, 07:07 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I am not that far out of DDay but so far I think there was another stage in it for me before anger: immense sadness. What DS had done sunk in and the shock/denial stage lasted all of about 10 seconds. Then I felt so empty inside, I cried and cried and cried. That lasted a few days. Then I moved onto the anger stage (and limbo) where I am now. I don't know how long that will last
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Old 10-19-2011, 09:32 AM   #8 (permalink)
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@RWB - I feel sorry for you. You say you have clarity, but what you have is still anger. The distrust caused by the BS is affecting the rest of your life.

Find a therapist and work through the anger and the distrust. When you reach acceptance, you'll realize that the problems isn't everyone else - it was your wife, in that time, and that place.

I hope you will learn to love.
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Old 10-19-2011, 10:46 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Thank you Lord Mayhem, that is an excellent post and lets the rest of us know that this is what we may or may not feel, but it's ok, this is what happens when you are betrayed.
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Old 10-19-2011, 12:36 PM   #10 (permalink)
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My wife went through most of the stages on DDay. Two days later she forgave me. Then, right into "Well, that's behind us. Let's move on."

That's why I'm so confused, lost, screwed up, and more. I've taken on the role of her by applying boundaries, transparency, NC, punishment, and guilt. She did check my phone once so far, and has asked me if there has been any contact (none), but that's it.

Oh, and she will ask me from time to time if I really do love her. Now I'm asking my self the same question.
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Old 10-31-2011, 04:36 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Old 10-31-2011, 04:41 PM   #12 (permalink)
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What I like to call my survival mode was nothing as you describe. Mine involved planning the future with my kids and myself and I didn't give a rats ass about my wife's future at that point. I never once begged and pleaded. My mode/transformation was simply protection of my 2 girls and myself, only.
Me, too. I was , in fact, euphoric when I found she was cheating. She had killed my love years earlier, by doing things like dousing me with cold water when I showered, telling me I was effeminant( I lettered in three sports in College and played one professionally), mistreating my boys, her stepkids.
But, the euphoria was not so much due to realizing I had an out but , rather, that I had not lost my mind and was not imagingin all this crap.
Then, I just got pissed and told her it was over. Never looked back.
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Old 10-31-2011, 05:35 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I am telling you...this is the ONLY way!!!!!!!!!!!! Over and over again ...most of the reconciliation stories I hear about are when the BS stands their ground immediately and says "I'm not going to deal with this BS."

The longer Limbo lasts, the worse chances are for reconciliation.
I agree. When I found out I gave her a choice, him or me....with no guarantee that there would be me after all was said and done.
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Old 10-31-2011, 06:27 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Arnold,

Did you read my post back in June on this thread? When I talked about Clarity, that is exactly what you are saying, "I had not lost my mind".

When HurtUsB jumped my post about having some kind of serious anger problems, I just laughed at his misunderstanding. I am so past anger.

I remember talking to my older brother the night of DDay. I told him it all finally makes sense. I had been manipulated like a puppet on a string. My wife had turned my grown children against me. I was painted as the bad-guy. In an instant the truth not only gave clarity to me but to my children also.

No , I have not read it. But, I am glad you got clear and glad you got out.
You know, I still have anger, and there is absolutely nothing wrong or unhealthyy about it. So to the folks that think telling you that you are angry or bitter, as if that is not natural, I just laugh. If this does not make you angry, you are a robot.
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Old 11-01-2011, 08:55 PM   #15 (permalink)
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No , I have not read it. But, I am glad you got clear and glad you got out.
You know, I still have anger, and there is absolutely nothing wrong or unhealthyy about it. So to the folks that think telling you that you are angry or bitter, as if that is not natural, I just laugh. If this does not make you angry, you are a robot.
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