first off, i wish i'd found these forums 4 years ago. i like how supportive everyone is of each other here.
4 years ago is when i found out my h had had 3 affairs, i caught him while he was involved in the third. when confronted his first reaction was we couldn't afford to divorce and he wanted to stay married. so we did. we did counselling which now looking back didn't accomplish anything except to be told we were good people. he promised that it would never happen again and he knew what to look for and how to avoid it. i told him that never again and if it did happen again i was done with him. got the promises and changes in behaviour. things were going well or so i thought. i did regain my trust in him and thought we were going to be together forever.
beginning of may i had that funny gut feeling like i had 4 years ago. turned out gut was right. he has gotten involved with someone again and this time actually has given her the label of "girlfriend". by the by i'm 45, he's 44 and she's 19.
we have 3 children 16, 14 and 8 so how gross?
when confronted this time he didn't say he wanted to stay married but did tell me he couldn't end it with the other as he didn't feel he could make that decision. so i told him to leave our house. i also got back his wedding ring as i felt it now had no meaning and he didn't need it anymore.
he did throw a lot back at me of what a horrid person i was and behaviours that went back to before we were married (23yrs ago) and how he felt i never trusted or loved him. that hurt but i also realized that these things were not what i had done but were the way his mother was with him. so i allowed him his rant. initially i did want to work with him to find answers to his behaviour changes and possibly reconcile. then i find out the girlfriend is still very much in the picture, he's likely living with her.
i thought long and hard and realized that i no longer trusted him and could not honestly say i would ever again. how many times do i get my heart broken by him? also since he still has his g/f how we honestly have any chance?
when i told him that i had reached the decision to go to a lawyer and start the process to end our marriage he lost it, got all emotional and how i'm trying to take every red cent and take away his children. our older two are so disgusted with him as he told them he had a g/f and that was why i was having him leave. the youngest knows but doesn't totally get it. he also told me that i had not given him a fair chance to find his answers. i told him with him having a g/f and my not trusting him his answers are not needed by me. he needs the answers for himself but i guess i don't care because he never gave us a chance by keeping the g/f.
he has cut himself off from all his friends and they now have no interest in talking to him or trying to be there for him, he snarkily tells me its so nice i have a support network and he has noone - wow i thought that says a lot for his g/f.
i also told him not to tell me he loved me, that just hurt too much and when i asked if the g/f knew he told me that he said yes and my reply was then she's an f_n d__chebag and i would not be one. i will not accept that he can love me and some else at the same time.
so i went to the lawyer and he is getting notice of what he has to pay for child support (no spousal as he doesn't earn enough) and when he has to pay, he should have that today.
last night he came over to talk about a field trip for our eldest and he turned the conversation to why he felt i shouldn't go to the lawyer and file for divorce. i told him i accepted the consequences of my decisions (probably losing our house) and this was also a consequence of his choices. well he informs he did not come to be lectured or belittled and didn't want to hear anything of how this falls back on him and his actions. he also informed me that the children and i had changed possibly a result of him changing possibly not and he felt we did not love him anymore. any of my responses were that i was not allowing his opinion and i was belittling him.
he also figured we should be separated while he works out his issues, keeps his g/f and he'll just pay the bills, buy groceries and nonsense like that. i said i don't want to be in limbo and live that way. so he says you can still date.... uhhh no that would be cheating! we are still legally married and just because he has no issues with cheating does not mean that i will do that.
i realize now that he has major control issues and that i am not going to be controlled anymore. that's why he has a child g/f as anyone our own age wouldn't tolerate his behaviour.
i still love him very much and i can't believe the loneliness and it's only been a month that he's been gone but i cannot continue to pretend we have a chance or let the children think that as well. i have no idea what h thinks, but i really think he figures i'm going to be sitting here waiting for him to come home and we stay married.
so here we stand, i have to get a real estate appraisal of the house and then meet with the lawyers to hash out the rest of our agreement.
i think this has been the most i've written of this ever and will now go back to reading and learning.
4 years ago is when i found out my h had had 3 affairs, i caught him while he was involved in the third. when confronted his first reaction was we couldn't afford to divorce and he wanted to stay married. so we did. we did counselling which now looking back didn't accomplish anything except to be told we were good people. he promised that it would never happen again and he knew what to look for and how to avoid it. i told him that never again and if it did happen again i was done with him. got the promises and changes in behaviour. things were going well or so i thought. i did regain my trust in him and thought we were going to be together forever.
beginning of may i had that funny gut feeling like i had 4 years ago. turned out gut was right. he has gotten involved with someone again and this time actually has given her the label of "girlfriend". by the by i'm 45, he's 44 and she's 19.
we have 3 children 16, 14 and 8 so how gross?
when confronted this time he didn't say he wanted to stay married but did tell me he couldn't end it with the other as he didn't feel he could make that decision. so i told him to leave our house. i also got back his wedding ring as i felt it now had no meaning and he didn't need it anymore.
he did throw a lot back at me of what a horrid person i was and behaviours that went back to before we were married (23yrs ago) and how he felt i never trusted or loved him. that hurt but i also realized that these things were not what i had done but were the way his mother was with him. so i allowed him his rant. initially i did want to work with him to find answers to his behaviour changes and possibly reconcile. then i find out the girlfriend is still very much in the picture, he's likely living with her.
i thought long and hard and realized that i no longer trusted him and could not honestly say i would ever again. how many times do i get my heart broken by him? also since he still has his g/f how we honestly have any chance?
when i told him that i had reached the decision to go to a lawyer and start the process to end our marriage he lost it, got all emotional and how i'm trying to take every red cent and take away his children. our older two are so disgusted with him as he told them he had a g/f and that was why i was having him leave. the youngest knows but doesn't totally get it. he also told me that i had not given him a fair chance to find his answers. i told him with him having a g/f and my not trusting him his answers are not needed by me. he needs the answers for himself but i guess i don't care because he never gave us a chance by keeping the g/f.
he has cut himself off from all his friends and they now have no interest in talking to him or trying to be there for him, he snarkily tells me its so nice i have a support network and he has noone - wow i thought that says a lot for his g/f.
i also told him not to tell me he loved me, that just hurt too much and when i asked if the g/f knew he told me that he said yes and my reply was then she's an f_n d__chebag and i would not be one. i will not accept that he can love me and some else at the same time.
so i went to the lawyer and he is getting notice of what he has to pay for child support (no spousal as he doesn't earn enough) and when he has to pay, he should have that today.
last night he came over to talk about a field trip for our eldest and he turned the conversation to why he felt i shouldn't go to the lawyer and file for divorce. i told him i accepted the consequences of my decisions (probably losing our house) and this was also a consequence of his choices. well he informs he did not come to be lectured or belittled and didn't want to hear anything of how this falls back on him and his actions. he also informed me that the children and i had changed possibly a result of him changing possibly not and he felt we did not love him anymore. any of my responses were that i was not allowing his opinion and i was belittling him.
he also figured we should be separated while he works out his issues, keeps his g/f and he'll just pay the bills, buy groceries and nonsense like that. i said i don't want to be in limbo and live that way. so he says you can still date.... uhhh no that would be cheating! we are still legally married and just because he has no issues with cheating does not mean that i will do that.
i realize now that he has major control issues and that i am not going to be controlled anymore. that's why he has a child g/f as anyone our own age wouldn't tolerate his behaviour.
i still love him very much and i can't believe the loneliness and it's only been a month that he's been gone but i cannot continue to pretend we have a chance or let the children think that as well. i have no idea what h thinks, but i really think he figures i'm going to be sitting here waiting for him to come home and we stay married.
so here we stand, i have to get a real estate appraisal of the house and then meet with the lawyers to hash out the rest of our agreement.
i think this has been the most i've written of this ever and will now go back to reading and learning.