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facing reality (long)

2K views 7 replies 5 participants last post by  justkate 
#1 ·
first off, i wish i'd found these forums 4 years ago. i like how supportive everyone is of each other here.


4 years ago is when i found out my h had had 3 affairs, i caught him while he was involved in the third. when confronted his first reaction was we couldn't afford to divorce and he wanted to stay married. so we did. we did counselling which now looking back didn't accomplish anything except to be told we were good people. he promised that it would never happen again and he knew what to look for and how to avoid it. i told him that never again and if it did happen again i was done with him. got the promises and changes in behaviour. things were going well or so i thought. i did regain my trust in him and thought we were going to be together forever.

beginning of may i had that funny gut feeling like i had 4 years ago. turned out gut was right. he has gotten involved with someone again and this time actually has given her the label of "girlfriend". by the by i'm 45, he's 44 and she's 19.

we have 3 children 16, 14 and 8 so how gross?

when confronted this time he didn't say he wanted to stay married but did tell me he couldn't end it with the other as he didn't feel he could make that decision. so i told him to leave our house. i also got back his wedding ring as i felt it now had no meaning and he didn't need it anymore.

he did throw a lot back at me of what a horrid person i was and behaviours that went back to before we were married (23yrs ago) and how he felt i never trusted or loved him. that hurt but i also realized that these things were not what i had done but were the way his mother was with him. so i allowed him his rant. initially i did want to work with him to find answers to his behaviour changes and possibly reconcile. then i find out the girlfriend is still very much in the picture, he's likely living with her.

i thought long and hard and realized that i no longer trusted him and could not honestly say i would ever again. how many times do i get my heart broken by him? also since he still has his g/f how we honestly have any chance?

when i told him that i had reached the decision to go to a lawyer and start the process to end our marriage he lost it, got all emotional and how i'm trying to take every red cent and take away his children. our older two are so disgusted with him as he told them he had a g/f and that was why i was having him leave. the youngest knows but doesn't totally get it. he also told me that i had not given him a fair chance to find his answers. i told him with him having a g/f and my not trusting him his answers are not needed by me. he needs the answers for himself but i guess i don't care because he never gave us a chance by keeping the g/f.

he has cut himself off from all his friends and they now have no interest in talking to him or trying to be there for him, he snarkily tells me its so nice i have a support network and he has noone - wow i thought that says a lot for his g/f.

i also told him not to tell me he loved me, that just hurt too much and when i asked if the g/f knew he told me that he said yes and my reply was then she's an f_n d__chebag and i would not be one. i will not accept that he can love me and some else at the same time.

so i went to the lawyer and he is getting notice of what he has to pay for child support (no spousal as he doesn't earn enough) and when he has to pay, he should have that today.

last night he came over to talk about a field trip for our eldest and he turned the conversation to why he felt i shouldn't go to the lawyer and file for divorce. i told him i accepted the consequences of my decisions (probably losing our house) and this was also a consequence of his choices. well he informs he did not come to be lectured or belittled and didn't want to hear anything of how this falls back on him and his actions. he also informed me that the children and i had changed possibly a result of him changing possibly not and he felt we did not love him anymore. any of my responses were that i was not allowing his opinion and i was belittling him.

he also figured we should be separated while he works out his issues, keeps his g/f and he'll just pay the bills, buy groceries and nonsense like that. i said i don't want to be in limbo and live that way. so he says you can still date.... uhhh no that would be cheating! we are still legally married and just because he has no issues with cheating does not mean that i will do that.

i realize now that he has major control issues and that i am not going to be controlled anymore. that's why he has a child g/f as anyone our own age wouldn't tolerate his behaviour.

i still love him very much and i can't believe the loneliness and it's only been a month that he's been gone but i cannot continue to pretend we have a chance or let the children think that as well. i have no idea what h thinks, but i really think he figures i'm going to be sitting here waiting for him to come home and we stay married.

so here we stand, i have to get a real estate appraisal of the house and then meet with the lawyers to hash out the rest of our agreement.

i think this has been the most i've written of this ever and will now go back to reading and learning.
 
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#2 ·
Welcome to TAM.
Sounsd like you're making the rightr decision.
This is his 4th affair and now he has his affair girlfriend.
FYI, the way he is acting is very common for a wayward. He's used to you being there for him no matter what and now you've taken control back by telling him to talk to your hand & you're not goign to have it anymore.

Good for you!

He wants things on his terms: no divorce, to keep you in limbo, to cry about not having support during this awful time (which he chose, by the way), getting to keep hsi teenage girlfriend along with having a loving and doting wife who'd be ok with that arrangement.

Total joke, of course.

File for divorce! Do not talk to him about anything other than the kids and legalities. No more conversations into your private life, mmkay? Treat him the way you would a co-worker: cordial but all business.



 
#3 ·
thank you, it will take a year before the divorce is final. i just want the separation agreement finalized and then start looking for a new place to live. if i can convince him to walk away from the house it is possible that i may be able to stay here, some changes would need to be made but they are within reason.

i do try to keep things all business, but he does make it difficult. i have realized he does try to play to my emotions and so now i have to close them off when i deal with him.

i keep telling myself just one day at a time and try not to think of too far into the future right now.

TAM has been so valuabe for me in that people here have been there done that whereas my friends are all married and haven't experieinced this and i would not wish it on any of them.
 
#5 ·
justkate, so sorry your cheating H enrolled you against your will into the club no one wants to join. Your WH is a serial cheater, he's keeping his OW, is blame shifting the A on to you, yet does not want to divorce. Now you are proceeding with separation and heading into divorce.

Unfortunately, he is deep in the fog and his actions are pretty typical for a lot of cheaters. He is unremorseful and pretty much rubbing the A in your face. He views you as the dependable back up plan. He is a typical cake eater. He wants the security of marriage, but wants to be free to bang other women. When he gets tired of banging this one, he will want to come back to you until the next young thing catches his eye. Wash, rinse, repeat. Like you said, this is his 4th one. This is your reality.

As emotionally hard as D is, as financially devastating as D is, you have no choice but to put it on the table. There is something broken within him, and he needs to get it fixed. But in the meantime, you do not derserve to live in the hell of limbo.

He really doesn't believe that you will actually pull the trigger on D, as he knows the financial devastation will stop you, plus he knows he pretty much still has you wrapped around his finger. If you stay strong and file for separation in prep for D, the reality will finally hit him about what he's about to lose. The fog MIGHT lift after that, but who knows with serial cheaters? Just keep in mind that some cheaters NEVER come out of the fog.

Is R even possible? Anything is possible. But that is entirely up to you. I'm sure you have read the 180. Start doing it. The 180 is a tool to strengthen yourself and help yourself detach from him. Don't misuse it as a way to get him back. Its a tool for you. Once you have gotten rid of your codependency, you will be strong enough and in a position to decide whether to proceed to D or to R.
 
#6 ·
I think the best chance for recovery for anyone, that is....

is a personal relationship with Jesus of Nazareth, who now sits at the right hand of God.

u can go it alone but even those who have can tell ya they wish
they had someone dependable, all knowing, and gift giving via
the FATHER, and the H>S>.

pray u have this already, or if not then u know where/how to go to find it.

shalom kate.:sleeping:
 
#7 ·
you've done the right thing, are doing the right thing, and will be in a better place in the future and for the rest of your life without him preventing you from getting there.

What a shame it has to be this way. Focus on yourself, and your children; he is not worth your time nor energy anymore.
 
#8 ·
no, we are not together. the day i found out about this one i told him to leave. i guess four years ago i should have made him leave but you know what they say about hindsight. he is allegedly staying at his place of work but i don't buy that.

he's been gone a month now, and playing the how much he misses all of us song. too bad he spent more time sending the g/f messages about how much he missed her and wished he could be with her, rather than communicating with me who was sitting right next to him. now he can be with her all he wants and just has to deal with it.

the older boys don't have any desire to talk with him, he told the oldest that it used to be he (son) would call him when he got in from school to tell him about his day and didn't like when son said well i don't feel like talking to you right now. even the youngest is realizing that daddy has chosen someone else over us.

the divorce is going to happen, whether he likes it or not. i just hate that i must wait a year for everything to be final.

i've also realized today that i have no desire to be with him anymore or ever again on an intimate or physical level. twice or more he has put my health at risk and when they're drawing my blood for std and hiv tests, it makes me feel so ill. that lack of respect towards me and putting my health at risk scares me and shows me that he doesn't know what love is or how to treat someone he loves with respect. i have a huge bruise on my right arm that reminds me of how little respect he had/has for me. it is my reminder that i must move forward and that my future is not with him anymore.

he is still pursuing counselling but because he does not believe that what he is doing is wrong and he's also an amazing liar i don't hold much hope for him really getting the consequences for a very long time.

hopefully next week we will have a meeting with our lawyers and get the separation agreement finalized. i have also realized that the children and i will have to move... unless i win a lottery in the next little while - that would just crack me up 'cause then i'd tell him to stuff the child support and everything else! but in order to win i'd have to buy a ticket or two first, right?

thank you all for your kind words and support, this site is a sanity saver!!!
 
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