pjbap

Thoughts?

pjbap

Do they even care how much it hurts?

workindad

See yes; care no where near enough.

pjbap

That's what hurts more than anything. They build a relationship w you, have a couple kids, build a nice home, do lots of fun things, encounter a 'bump', meet someone, lie through their teeth, gaslight, rewrite your entire marital history, devastate their spouse, act like they deserved it,...... And not give a sh-t. That lack of care, that lack of empathy, is just as hurtful as the affair.

Get this: my DS tells me "she didnt have an affair.....she had a "relationship'
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pidge70

I see it and it kills me knowing how much I hurt him. I am doing everything humanly possible to show him I can be the woman he needs.
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cherokee96red

So far in my case I'd have to answer with a resounding NO!

But it seems that my situation is not indicative of what I've read here. H left to find a company to lease on with his semi and go to work. That was late February. Nearly a month later he bailed on me and the marriage via a phone call H has not been back yet. So he has yet to see anyone and witness the consequences of his action/decision. It's all been by phone. H says he will be here at the end of June to get his stuff that our son is storing at his house and see our daughter for her 18th b-day. Don't know if he will "grace" me with his presence, not sure if I want to see him. But come October, I will have little choice as that is when son's wedding is and I plan to be the model mother of the groom!

F-102

Of course they see it. That is why they refuse to accept any responsibility for the hurt they've caused.

heartbroken1957

My thoughts are: Yes they see it, feel it, and know it. BUT... do they accept it. Not always.

I'm in a situation now where I am waiting for my husband to break down sobbing, ask forgiveness for the hurt he has caused US.
I forgive him the affair. I have yet to forgive the hurt. The affair was the easy part, it meant nothing to him in the long run. Now he is fighting his demons and not winning. So he isn't participating in the re-marriage.

Runs like Dog

Is your question "Will they ever feel as furious and sad about it as I do?"

No, of course not. They cheated. That's their nature.

We lost a child in 1990. About 7 or 8 months later, someone came up to me and in the middle of a conversation said "I can't understand how you're feeling." Got that right, you can't you never will.

lordmayhem

From all the stories I've read, and the stories in the OW/OM forums, when they are actively in the affair, No, they don't care one little iota what their betrayed spouses are going through. It's all about them, their feelings, and the feelings of their affair partner. And if they have kids, they don't don't even care about them.

They truly act and feel like drug addicts. They can lie, cheat, steal, to feed the addiction of the affair, and that is the OW/OM.

After DDay and the A is over, I don't know. But it can't be anywhere near the level of hurt a BS receives.

827Aug

My estranged husband neither sees what he has done nor does he care. And he first started this behavior five years ago. Furthermore, he has managed to also turn two of our three children against me. I may be dealing with something beyond what most are dealing with though.......Therapist and attorney worry that I'm dealing with a sociopath.

VeryHurt

I am in the same boat as you are.
H had an affair.
Forgave him.
No real remorse.
No recommitment.
I took the blame.
He took none.
Marriage down to its last thread after 28 years.
Very Hurt

VeryHurt

I understand your situation.
My husband was told that he has some characteristics of a sociopath aka personality disorder.
Lack of remorse.
Lack of empathy.
Cold.
Vindictive.
Emotionally dead.
Blames me for the affair.
It's horrible.

2xloser

If the LS shows them all the emotion they feel, I think they can see it and get that it's really bad, see just how much hurt and pain they have caused -- but they just can't understand it completely, because it hasn't happened to them.

In my case, I think it's part of her desire to work toward R, that she's almost surprised by just how badly it has hurt me, surprised to see the pain because I *did* love her deeply despite our distance, despite my work schedule, despite our problems.

Best case they can empathasize, feel full remorse, wish they could take it back, be sorrowful -- but they can never fully understand because their not experiencing it. And (imho) the only way to *know* is to experience it, unfortunately.

HappyMom

I think they see how much, and feel justified by whatever hurt they felt in the relationship but couldn't communicate effectively.

You're divorcing, right? So you can move on with your life? That will show her.