Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

OM coming to town! What to do?

33K views 167 replies 28 participants last post by  8yearscheating 
#1 ·
Quick recap...
My wife had an affair with a man she knew from high school. It was EA/PA the back to EA. After I discovered it she has adhered to a NC. Here's the problem...

During their EA she made it clear that the PA was over but he was constantly ignoring boundaries to try to get the PA back on track. During that time he arranged a 'guy's trip' with a 2 day stopover near us. My wife claims they were just going to have lunches and talk etc. I think he had other plans, but that is neither here no there.

After the NC call was made we assumed he would be rearranging his travel to get rid of the stopover. Today we found out (because I'm a suspicious sort) that his trip is still on with the stopover. We (wife and I) are both concerned that he is still in the fog and thinking he is going to show up at her office and sweep her off her feet and back into his life and bed.

She has assured me that if he attempts any contact she will let me know immediately and tell him to please go away.

Since she has admitted that she is having trouble letting go and is still sad about the end of the EA and missing him, I am getting stressed about this and not sure what to do. Suggestions? :mad:
 
See less See more
#3 ·
If she is afraid of the temptation, perhaps she needs to call in sick that day. Heck, maybe you need to also call in sick that day just to be on the safe side.;) Or, do what some folks I know did this week. They knew some pain in the butt relatives would most likely be heading to their place for a weekend stay. It happens like clockwork every year, so this couple booked a vacation this week. They are now enjoying themselves out of town. Therefore, maybe you and your wife need to think along those lines around the time the OM plans to arrive.
 
#4 ·
I'm assuming you know when the stop over will occur, and how long it will be for.

Go on a short vacation with WW to some other place. Maybe go to one of your parents places. Just get out of town.

Write a better NC letter. He needs to know in no uncertain terms that she will never see, talk, chat, phone, FB him again.
 
#10 ·
I agree a trip out of town would be best during this time, especially with your wife feeling so weak. Seeing the OM, even if she thinks she's strong enough to resist, may be just too much this early after NC. Her reaction to taking time off and leaving might be enlightening too. If she's resistant it might be a sign she's holding back and not throwing herself into R.

If going out of town is out of budget, just take those days off and spend some fun times together. Go on lunch dates, visit a museum, see a movie, or go for a day hike. So many options. Most importantly, focus on each other and reaffirm why you're both choosing to stay together.
 
#11 ·
If he calls her, make sure you are there and listening in. Don't let her out of your sight while he's in town-he fully expects her to go underground for a booty call.
 
#12 ·
I don't agree with any of this. This guy is still waging a full out war on your family. A boundary of yours that should never ever be crossed.

This is simple. Call him up. Get all up in his face. Tell him in no uncertain terms that he will never ever be seeing your wife again. You will make certain of that. Just be strong enough that you don't feel the need to get physical...or you'll end up in jail or something stupid like that.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#13 ·
I wouldn't run away or go on vacation; I agree with ahhhmaaan, you have to deal with this, and do it now because it will happen in the future, too.

Do you know for sure he's not been 'invited' to keep his plans...?

I'd reinforce/remind the NC rule with wife... then leave it up to her as to what she would like done. Assuming she says she will handle it and kindly tell him to please go away if he contacts her, I'd give her the opportunity to do the right thing, but just like checking her cellphone,email,computer, chat I'd call in sick and literally follow wife to/at/from work. It wouldn't necessarily be her fault if the OM came and showed up at work, unless she invited him - but it would surely be her fault if he spent more than a minute with her, and certainly if she left work with him. The doubting would otherwise stress me, and the confirmation that no contact happened would soothe me.

Or hire a PI for the day. Here's the first true test of her re-commitment.

I'd also be having lengthy conversations about whether she's truly letting go.
 
#14 ·
This will send a powerful message to the OM. The OM is having a hard time with accepting the NC request. He needs to see and feel this women really wants no contact. It will only take a couple of times and he really will get the message. Furthermore, it will provide great time for OP and his wife to work on their relationship. This idea works on the problem from two different angles.
 
#15 ·
:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

with all the tough lovers here.

this would really test my faith as per non-violence. remember, i'm not "perfected" yet.

i'd tell W he needs to hear it from u & believe it, that its over.

if shes not convincing, then tell her its up to u, and violence
may ensue if he doesnt "get the msg".

so we'd see how convincing she can be, or how much she cares
about me/him/her/whatever.

i'd also consider many offshoots/possiblities of whats really
going on, as some gals love drama, love complications etc.

u wouldnt believe the stories i've read/seen/heard in my time.
so dont be fooled/surprised/caught unawares all because u
refused to "think about it" (all).

 
#16 ·
Thanks for the responses. Going out of town for those two days isn't an option for me for a few reasons. Some work related and some just me not willing to live in fear of this a-hole showing up in our lives.

I have considered calling him but wife wants to wait. He does have some business interests in the area so it's possible he could have not changed his flights because of that.

I have thought about just going to the airport and following him to see what he does. I have a few different scenarios in mind. One where I just sidle up to him at baggage claim and ask him why he's there.

I don't have any intentions towards violence, so not concerned about going to jail.

Anyway, have another 10 days to plan, just need to figure out if I just let the W handle this or if I step in.

The thing that sucks is we are doing well on our efforts towards R and it would be a lot easier if this guy would stop throwing his shadow over our lives. Sigh.
 
#17 ·
Is he married? If so, I sure hope you've already told his wife of all that went on.

And get on the phone today and call him yourself and let him know that if he comes anywhere near your wife - and you WILL be watching - he'll have a restraining order slapped in his hand before he can get back in his car.
 
#18 · (Edited)
It's a shame this guy still has some control over your wife and your life, to some extent. If she was serious about reconciliation, then I would count this as a test. If she failed, it's over. Simple as that. If she perserveres, then there is a some hope yet.

If I was having to put forth any extra ounce of effort (to include a mini vacation, time off day, etc etc) to keep my wife from seeing her "boyfriend", it would be over. I refuse to stress myself out with that kind of garbage. She's either with me or without me. I will not compete with anyone ever again over my wife. If she had a doubt about whether or not she could lose control and cheat on me again, SAYONARA!!!

It urkes me that you are having to deal with this because it sounds as if your wife isn't giving you 100%. Which you deserve and should expect.
 
#20 ·
During that time he arranged a 'guy's trip' with a 2 day stopover near us. My wife claims they were just going to have lunches and talk etc. I think he had other plans, but that is neither here no there.
Um, yes. That IS here AND there. WHY in the world was yoru wife planning on meeting him at all???? HELLO??? No contact is no contact. I don't buy the "lunch" story.

I have thought about just going to the airport and following him to see what he does.
Do not do this. He can file a police report against you that you're stalking him and/or harassing him.

Don't bite. Don't give him power.

Your wife needs to have ZERO contact with him. How did she even find out about the trip and make plans for lunch? She needs to be totally honest with you re: this.



 
#22 ·
A difficult situation no doubt about it. Yes, it is a red flag as it seems your WW is or wants to protect him for some reason. While I know it won't accomplish that much because this OM is a scumbag who will attempt to fish, I would call him if for no other purpose than to serve him notice that you are fully aware of what his plans are and that you are a man who is protecting his marriage.
 
#23 ·
@ Jellybeans - Her intent to meet him for lunch was from before I discovered the A. Now that she has agreed to no contact she has no intention of seeing him and was quite shocked to learn that he had not changed his trip plan to take the stopover out.

@ - those questioning her 'i want to wait' - He has some business interests in the area so he may be coming for that. She is concerned about either of us opening up contact w/him again. She doesn't think he is coming to see her so doesn't want to open the door to him again by reestablishing contact.

@- Turnera - I am running the show, but I am willing to discuss with her. She has assured me repeatedly that she will have no contact and that if he tries to see her she will turn him away and inform me immediately.

We have discussed a restraining order, but unless he actually does show up then there's nothing to restrain. Our NC was verbal, not written so no paper trail to work with the police on. I had not been to this site at the time of my discovery so I made some early mistakes that I am now stuck with.

One such mistake is that I haven't spoken with OM's wife. I promised my wife that I would let him tell her and get into counseling, which he said he would do. Because I am trying to stick to my word I haven't done anything and we have no idea if he told her or got into MC. However, I did let him know that if he attempted to contact her again my first call was to his wife. So I may be able to let her know within the next week.

I know I should tell her and that I am doing her a disservice by not. Feel free to beat up on me about it, it can't be any worse than what I've done to myself these past few weeks. But I have been all over my wife about her lying, cheating and dishonesty. Since I gave her my word that i wouldn't, I'd feel like a complete hypocrite if I did.

I know that meeting him at the airport would be a huge risk in a lot of ways. I don't honestly know how I'd behave if I saw him. I have managed to work through a lot of my rage, but given the circumstances I don't know that I wouldn't take a shot (physical punch, not a gun just for clarificaton) at him if I were in the same room with him.

It sounds like the best course of action is to call him, let him know we know his travel plans and warn him not to attempt contact.

I am sorry if my unwillingness to break my promise has offended any of you. As a BS, I would absolutely want to know about it and keeping my word is tearing me up. But if I don't hold myself to the highest standard in keeping my word than how can I expect her to. Does that make any sense?
 
#24 ·
I am sorry if my unwillingness to break my promise has offended any of you. As a BS, I would absolutely want to know about it and keeping my word is tearing me up. But if I don't hold myself to the highest standard in keeping my word than how can I expect her to. Does that make any sense?
It doesn't offend anyone.
People are pointing out that if she does not want you to tell his wife, then she is protecting him. Why is she protecting him? If she views him as a threat to your marriage and a predator she would not want to protect him. It speaks volumes about her committedness to you and your marriage. This is what's being pointed out to you. She manipulated you using your sense of morality which neither she nor her affair partner possess. You can either have your marriage or your standards intact. Take your pick.
 
#26 ·
I understand that. I do. Part of the reason I am struggling with it is her grieving for the loss of the relationship. She doesn't want him back, but she does feel protective of him because she cares about him. The other piece of the puzzle is that she is concerned that if his marriage implodes that he will just pursue her more strongly since he no longer has that secret to protect.

I am going to talk with my IC and MC about it and see if I'm being naive and blind in trying to keep my word.

Thanks for the input.
 
#27 ·
SM, yes, that makes sense to me. I'm going through similar issues. I think you are doing the right thing. The test should be on her, not you. She fails, then you bail. Don't be the one mucking it up.

After writing my WW a letter yesterday finalizing my feelings about trust, lies, and the OM, I realized it really doesn't do any good. It felt good to say all those things, but beating up the OM, physically or in writing, does nothing. If anything, the WW might get defensive about it.

She knows the rules. If she breaks them, it's not your fault at this point.
 
#29 ·
I posted too soon - I see your WW is defensive about him. So is mine. Because they were friends for so long and the EA was very recent, she still has a care for him in a friendship way. Plus, she was the "predator", and started the EA with him. He was being a friend and didn't cross the line until she did. So in our case, everything really should be about her, a lesson I have learned.

In your case, the guy may or may not be purposefully crossing a boundary with this trip. He booked it a long time ago, and probably figures even though the A is over, he has other sh*t to do. And it's a pain to cancel travel plans. So let this be a test for your wife. I wish you all the best of luck. I hope she passes the test.
 
#30 ·
@Lord - He hooked her pretty well with his tale of woe and that is why she wants to protect him. Kids w/medical issues that put massive strain on marriage, separate bedrooms, other issues, so she doesn't want their A to be the nail in the coffin.

I think she views herself as Debra Winger to his John Lithgow in "Terms of Endearment".

Personally, I believe he is a player, but I have no proof.
 
#31 ·
@Gabriel - From what I understand, their EA became very deep before they went to PA so I don't know if there is a 'predator' in the scenario. They believed they were in love.

I hope she passes too. I'd hate to have made all this progress and still have to go through with a D.
 
#36 ·
They believed they were in love.
Then you are doubly in trouble, because you don't just 'give up' your one true love just because you got caught. Ask a friend to wait at the airport and follow him. Pay for his cab fare to do so. Or hire a good PI to do it. Know the truth. And put a VAR in your wife's car - she may have a throwaway phone. IMO, this is the ONE 48-hour period that will determine the future of your marriage. If you find nothing, regress back to what you're doing.
 
#32 ·
Got it. My WW's EA was deep also, but no PA. They made the conscious decision to not go PA due to the fact she was married. How noble, right? The way she tells me you'd think she wanted a freaking medal. But it does help that they did refrain. If they went to PA I don't think I could ever get over it. At least our sex isn't laced with mind movies. Physical intimacy is still good between us - and that wouldn't ever be the case again if she had a PA, I don't think. But that's just me.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top