Cheating with no restraint
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 06-09-2011, 04:47 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Cheating with no restraint

Why do so many instances of cheating occur with no physical restraint at all? I do understand that many marriages go through some times when cheating is a big temptation and that sometimes people, when at a point of weakness, fall into this temptation. But it seems that very often when people cheat they fall into it 100% with absolutely no restraint from the fact that they are in love with their husband or wife. They might even do more things than they do with their husband. And these are times when it is later described as a 'mistake' and the original relationship, while perhaps strained, there is still a lot of love. So if you are still in love and you are going to cheat, why can't you show at least some restraint? Save something for the one you love. There are many opportunities to make the 'mistake' (however ghastly) less serious. To at least make a gesture that acknowledges the one you love. To make it less intimate with the one you are cheating with?

For example,

If you let the temptation of a good looking man saying all of the right things overcome you, you can stop at kissing once you realize you are falling into something that is a 'mistake'. If he touches you, you can make sure it doesn't go any further. If you are at the point of having sex, you can stop him before you take it all the way. If you are going to have sex, can't you at least make him wear a condom? If you are having unprotected sex, can't you at least stop him before he 'finishes' inside you? I think you get the idea.

Can anyone relate to this? Why does cheating seemingly very often go all the way to the extreme. Wouldn't non-cheaters who are making a 'mistake' for the first time just fall into the excitement of it but have the sense to at least minimize the intimacy in some way?

What is your experience with this, either as a cheater or betrayed one?
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Old 06-09-2011, 05:00 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating with no restraint

My husband has said that he cheated because he was weak.

I guess it was hard for him to resist the temptation when the women he was chatting to made it easy for him. First OW paid for their motel room. Second OW gave him her home address while her husband was away so that made it easy for him too.

I always ask myself why he didnt turn back and go to work that morning he screwed the second OW. He left home at 6:30am and drove for almost an hour to get to her. Surely during that long drive he could have had plenty of time to turn around or even think about what he was about to do. I figure it was more important to him not to let the other woman down, but it didnt matter that he let his wife down. She was just too much of a temptation to disappoint, and besides she was virtually begging it from him. Well, he obviously wasnt disappointed with the experience as he has told me it was "fun". A real kick in the guts for me.

On the subject of condoms, he said he used one both times. Not that he supplied them, apparently the ow supplied them. I asked him what he wouldv'e done if they didnt have one, you guessed it, would've done it without.

He I think minimized it only by apparently only doing it once with both of these women, possibly so they didnt get too attached. Even though the second ow was very keen to do it with him again. She told him every Friday morning should start like that. Sickening.

.
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Old 06-09-2011, 05:03 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating with no restraint

As a cheater in an EA I'll say that I don't think I would have ever gone to a PA, but then again I never thought I'd do what I did. My EA started completely on-line, and never progressed past phone calls - never saw each other face to face. Why, because the OW lived 100 miles away when it started and three weeks into it moved 500 miles away. I really don't think I would have ever put myself in a position of making if physical because the boundaries are so clear. BUT, I thank god every day that my AP was physically far enough away to keep me from doing something even more stupid than I did.
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Old 06-09-2011, 05:14 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating with no restraint

People cheat for the same reason they do everything else: because they want to.

Everyone has a moment where they can stop, and if someone cheats, they didn't want it to stop.

They may live to regret it forever, but in that moment, they chose not to stop.
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Old 06-09-2011, 05:37 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating with no restraint

Too many figure "in for a penny, in for a pound" when they cheat.

Some figure they won't get caught (they do).

Others figure that as long as they've screwed up anyway once they started cheating, that they'll keep doing it until discovered.

Still others keep at it even post discovery because they find their spouse still can't stop em. Too entitled.
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Old 06-09-2011, 06:22 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating with no restraint

Jeez RWB, I really sympathise
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Old 06-09-2011, 06:25 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating with no restraint

Quote:
Originally Posted by RWB View Post
from michzz "Too many figure "in for a penny, in for a pound" when they cheat.
Some figure they won't get caught (they do).
Others figure that as long as they've screwed up anyway once they started cheating, that they'll keep doing it"

This was exactly my wife when I finally caught her after 6 years of multiple affairs. She admitted that no condoms or birth control were ever used of even considered. I asked her if she ever thought about the health risk to me. She didn't care or even consider me. While she says she was ashamed after first cheating, it was too much thrill and excitement and she could not refuse the attention (addicted). All this after 25 years of marriage.
Sadly, my experience echoes yours. Hence my list.
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Old 06-09-2011, 07:33 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating with no restraint

I say that depends. A woman I've (known) for 15+ years cheated on her husband repeatedly over and over for years. And while her hub was no prize he was a great dad, stable, great earner. Her paramours were all trolls and losers. I mean flat out no job ugly unkempt weirdos who were always hitting her up for money. I think she used her power over them to force them into sex on demand. Complete roll-reversal. At least that's the least pathological explanation I can come up with.

Because remember, when couples fight, it's never about what they're fighting about. And when they fight about sex it's never about sex. Hell, when they HAVE sex it's never about sex either. It's about fear, dominance, power, control, and all that Greek drama ****.

Last edited by Runs like Dog; 06-09-2011 at 08:07 PM.
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Old 06-09-2011, 08:00 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating with no restraint

For us it was the dominance, my cheating wife would not allow her self to be treated like I treated her.
The OM couldn't slap her but, pull her hair or have rough sex in any way. She go enough of that from me.
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Old 06-09-2011, 09:09 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating with no restraint

So an alternative persepctive from me:

Although I obviously cannot know it's really the full truth, my cheating wife never let it go beyond kissing and touching up top (once) -- never more than that, for as she put it 'that was for me' (cough cough)... what's sort of funny is that him pressing her for more physical intimacy is what ultimately caused the A to fizzle even before I found out about it. She'd have happily gone on and on with just the ego-feeding attention and plenty of kissing...

Does this make her cheating mean any less or hurt any less? Perhaps, yes a little bit. Does it mean R is in my future? I don't know. Had she slept with him, I would not be sitting here 37 days later trying to figure out of R is possible. But does it make it forgiveable? I don't think so. *sigh*
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Old 06-09-2011, 09:52 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I remember I took a Philosophy class in college and we were talking about CHOICE. The chapter was on ethics and morality. My Prof. gave an example about appetites- He told us to picture a glass of water that was filled with toxins that would kill us. He also told us that we were desperately thirsty. Now do we choose to drink... knowing the damage it would inflict, possibly even death, or walk on to find another source of pure water. The lesson is- If we can't control our appetites we are DOOMED!
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Old 06-10-2011, 01:54 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating with no restraint

i get exactly what you are saying and I totally agree. Like the fact the I have kissed you after you swallowed his c*m... or the fact the I make love to you at night when he came inside you during your lunch break... like dont you have enough value and respect for me and our relationship that you dont completely humiliate and cuckold me? Like is it too much to ask that you dont take, the guy your f*cking behind my back to OUR favorite restaurant or let him drive OUR car... i totally get it and it makes the cheating MUCH more hurtful

I remember a thread... dont know if it was here or loveshack but a women described, that during her affair, she put furniture. that OM made her, in her marital home and took OM on vacations (she covered with business trips) with her husbands money. I was like wow, that makes it atleast twice as bad. She now realizes that it was totally evil
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Old 06-10-2011, 05:13 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating with no restraint

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jellybeans View Post
People cheat for the same reason they do everything else: because they want to.

Everyone has a moment where they can stop, and if someone cheats, they didn't want it to stop.

They may live to regret it forever, but in that moment, they chose not to stop.
Posts like this are the reason I read everything you write.

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Old 06-10-2011, 09:21 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating with no restraint

The accounts of women cheating that I have read on this forum has opened my eyes to a completely different reallity. My father cheated on my mother throughout their marriage and my whole childhood was taken up with her pain. I have never known personally a woman who cheated, only men. I held a very negative view of the capacity of men to love and be faithful based on my experience. I recently posted a about my experiences.

Reading of what these women did astounds me, women are as heartless as men. I hate that men and women have experienced this pain but I am glad that I was wrong about men. Reading of these personal and painful experiences has changed me for the better.

It stuns me that I never considered that these men were cheating with women who were also cheats.

RWB does your wife love you? Are you still together? How did you recover? My mother never recoved after my fathers death. Some of my father divorced ftiends tried to date her; she wanted nothing to do with men ever again she said. I just can not understand how someone can do those things knowing the pain they bring to their spouse. I don't think I could.

Are people who cheat different, are they more selfish than people who are faithful, do they have character defects, do they have poor control over themselves. Can you tell who is more likely to cheat by the way they approach life in general?
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Old 06-10-2011, 09:29 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Cheating with no restraint

That's because you have a soul, a conscience, Catherine. Not everyone does.
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