CLinging - NOW HEAR THIS - IT WAS NOTHING YOU DID OR DIDN'T DO. THE OP WAS NOT BETTER THAN YOU IN ANY WAY. Hope you took that shouting in your ear to wake up. Yur WS did this all on his own for all the wrong reasons. Your WS needs to face up to his mistake and help you heal. Yes, you can work on self improvement for you and your marriage and try to eliminate the things that were wrong in your marriage to make it better and more bullet/A proof in the future. Sex was not lacking. You were not lacking. He was lacking. I too had performance questions when my wife and I first started to R. Now it seems like she has so much guilt, she has gone prude on me. The what if or I should haves will happen. But what good does it do? Focus on the future and YOU. Are you R? How is it going right nw?
What you are feeling is typical for a betrayed spouse. I spent three years feeling second best and rejected. Internally I beat myself up. And I gained a lot of weight. Counseling for two years helped, but it still "cured" nothing.
That feeling lingered with me up until a few weeks ago. I met one of the other women face to face. That's when something within me clicked. That woman was no where near the person I am (attorney's words). I had a vision that the other women were more intelligent, posed, beautiful, etc. Once the image I envisioned was destroyed, I got my self esteem back. The funny thing is I'm now losing weight--I'm not munching on "comfort food" any more.
Therefore, don't beat yourself up. Your husband chose to leave for someone DIFFERENT--not better than you. I am not second best, nor are you! If you doubt that, make a list of your good qualities. I'll bet you will be amazed at what a person you are!
Couple of thoughts, as a disloyal spouse. And by no means am I trying to minimize your pain or shift blame to my spouse.
My self esteem took a beating over the last however many years of my marriage. But it was more of a constant chipping away at it, with every rejection. Not the stick of dynamite that I can only imagine you received. It's only in the last couple of months as I started seeing someone else, and realizing how much difficulty accepting and more importantly, believing a compliment from a wonderful woman that I realized how damaged I had become. It still takes me conscious effort to not joke away a compliment, and just say a heartfelt thank you in return.
Second, as 827aug says, he left you for a different person, not a better person. My stbx-wife is a good person, just not the right person for me. And obviously, from a moral and ethical perspective, you're kicking some major butt.
Couple of thoughts, as a disloyal spouse. And by no means am I trying to minimize your pain or shift blame to my spouse.
My self esteem took a beating over the last however many years of my marriage. But it was more of a constant chipping away at it, with every rejection. Not the stick of dynamite that I can only imagine you received. It's only in the last couple of months as I started seeing someone else, and realizing how much difficulty accepting and more importantly, believing a compliment from a wonderful woman that I realized how damaged I had become. It still takes me conscious effort to not joke away a compliment, and just say a heartfelt thank you in return.
Second, as 827aug says, he left you for a different person, not a better person. My stbx-wife is a good person, just not the right person for me. And obviously, from a moral and ethical perspective, you're kicking some major butt.
C Posted via Mobile Device
My H told me all about his damaged ego too. Problem was that he didn't tell me about it when he says he was feeling that way. He didn't include me in anything, to the degree that his A was the biggest shock of my life. He worked with the A partner and I didn't even know that she existed. the night that I discovered her e-mails to him was the first time I knew she lived and breathed. I felt no resentment from him and I thought we had a very good and happy marriage. I thought that because that is what he told me, " you couldn't drive me away with a stick" etc. He brought his damage with him into our marriage. He rewrote our marital history just like most other cheaters and he didn't give one thought to my ego when he accepted the advances of a woman young enough to be his daughter. The things that helped me repair my ego were realizing that this was not about me, and that the A partner, although very attractive physically is a piece of S**t, wonderful people don't go after MM. No one has the right to build up their ego at the expense of destroying another persons.
I don't wish to be crude, but females come with two breasts and one pretty standard vagina. When a guy cheats on his wife, he's cheating with something very much like what he left at home. She can do nothing more with her equipment than you can do with yours. Honestly, you know him better, so your skills would almost certainly be superior to her's. His cheating is nothing more than an indication of his own weaknesses and his sad attempt to feed them. Perhaps the cruelest aspect of his crime is that it makes you doubt your own worth as a woman and a human being. Weak characters do bad things and innocent people suffer.
Answering the OP question, yes has a BS my ego is totally in the toilet... mostly a hit to Mr Nice Guy. And that is DESPITE her begging to R, telling me over and over and over it wasn't anything about me or what I didn't do except work a lot to support our family while she was a SAHM enjoying a nice lifestyle.
Now I can't even friggin' go to work without THAT triggering me extensively. Pathetic.
I'll 2nd 2Xloser. My ego has been swimming around in the toilet, but I'm slowly regaining confidence. Maybe next week, I'll make it around the U-bend and back into the bottom of the pan.
After that it's the long climb out
Don't be down about yourself Clinging, there's nothing wrong from your side of the fence.
So who has their self esteem in the toilet after their partner has had an affair?
Every person that has been betrayed takes a huge hit. So what you are feeling is normal. Remember, it was his choice. Has nothing to do with you personally.
I'm right there with you all too. When I'm feeling a bit stronger of myself, out of the blue, a wave of despair rushes throughout me like a sinking bomb,and my heart breaks all over again.
And as WhiteRabbit stated so well. "the shock of what he did is slowly wearing off. That numb feeling is melting now I'm actually FEELING again... I don't like it "
Ugh...
I never really understood the famous quote of the late 60's until now,
"Today is the first day of the rest of your life...
For basically the past 15 years! My now exhusband had several affairs, and after each one, he twisted it around so much that I actually believed I was at fault and that I was the one who had to make it better because I was a bad wife for making him cheat on me. Yes, I really did believe that about myself. It was only recently I grew some balls and stood my ground and said no. He tried to tell me with his now current fling that he lost attraction towards me because I had gained weight through-out our marriage. That may have been an issue for me if the woman he had cheated on me with wasnt 50 lbs heavier than me! I knew from then on he was talking out of his ass and what ever he said was crap. It took me a long, long time. 15 years is how long I was with him (married 14) I do know now that I am in no way responsible for his cheating.
I guess I'm the odd one out but my self-esteem is higher now than before DDay.
Before DDay I kept wondering what I was doing wrong, why he wasn't spending time with me, was distant etc... Now I know it wasn't me. On DDay I also read some of the messages they exchanged and it confirmed that OW is really shallow, self-centered and insecure. She does look attractive (I'll give her that) but I know I'm still young, pretty, athletic AND better educated AND I would not get involved with a man who is taken. Yep, thank you OW for raising the image I had of myself.
Remember that they always "affair-down" and they cheat because THEY got issues not because you're not good enough.
Most people who cheat do NOT cheat with someone who is more attractive, sexy, or wonderful than their significant other. It's the fantasy and the excitement of doing something forbidden that appeals to the cheaters the most. That and the ego boost. But 9 times out of 10, the other person isn't much to write home about, so to speak.
Self Esteem 
