Lostinthewoods

You are right. And it was my only consideration in my original statement. This supposition was my response to someone else's suggestion. It's just out of context. Thank you for your insight!

Lostinthewoods

Your entire perspective is so helpful in fueling my resolve in having no more contact. Thank you.

Dowjones

LITW, You might want to read my story from my older posts, but this happened to me to an extent. My wife was in emotional turmoil, (she found out she was unable to concieve) I wasn't there for her so she began a month long EA with a co-worker. It progressed from talks to texting to the point where they kissed and at that point the fog lifted and my wife realized what was happening. She fought off his advances (gave him a great black eye) outed both him and her to their employer, (they were both fired) confessed to me and both families, and to our pastor. She PROVED her honesty and devotion to me and continues to this very day. She has done everything and anything I have asked, gone to therapy (both individual and couples)n and is totally transparent. We are adopting a brother and sister from Sri Lanka in two months and she is Beside herself with joy. None of this would have been possible if she hadn't decided to do the honest and loving and respectful thing. I WOULD have found out, and it WOULD have been over, if I knew she was keeping such a disrespectful secret from me. Whether it is infidelity or otherwise, secrecy is a virus that can cause a marriage to sicken and die. Tell your husband, if nothing more than this has happened, I'm sure he will be able to move past it. He is well aware that you are not his mother.

F-102

Lost, I don't totally advocate telling, and in your case, I wouldn't advocate it, either. But with that, comes a price: the fear that it will come to light somehow, perhaps, say someday, this "friend" will one day get ticked at you or your H and, as a parting shot, say that he slept with you.

Can you guarantee 110% that your H will never, beyond a reasonable doubt, find out? If you can, then I would say don't tell. But that's just it-THERE ARE NO GUARANTEES.

Now, if you tell your H, he can see that you were honest with him, warned him of the threat, and he, like Dowjones, would probably have a happy ending with you.

But, if you don't tell, and he does find out someday, he may forever more see you with suspicion, wonder how long you were keeping your little secret, wonder if there was much, much more to this crush than just thoughts, wonder what ELSE you have been keeping a secret from him. Something like that can seriously erode a marriage, and if you don't split up over this, it will be something else-this would be just the small pebble that started an avalanche of seriously mixed emotions.

Now, I truly believe that you want to kill all contact with the OM, but there was one wife one of these type of websites who was in a situation eerily similar to yours, swore up and down that she would never contact the OM again, but somehow, the OM convinced her to see him one last time "for closure" and a few months later, she was back on the site, confessing that she "did a horrible thing", and desperately trying to find a solution to the fact that she was now pregnant with the OM's child.

lordmayhem

Slight t/j. You are one fortunate man that she pulled back from the edge did the hard work to deserve the precious gift of R. That's inspiring to read.

Dowjones

She is a wonderful woman, who should never have been in that position, in the first place. She has been so remorseful that it has been me that has tried to help her put it behind her, and she has. She is getting her masters, and will be a mother of two, and we are still trying to get her pregnant, which she would love.

avenrandom

LITW- I know telling your husband is ultimately on you, so all I can do is tell you what happened because my wife did NOT tell me until months later.

(long story short...) My wife left me for a co-worker, and came running back shortly after. I said these words to my wife: "If there is anything you need to tell me, now is the time. If we are going to try and build, recover, and move on from this, I need full disclosure right now." This was less than 10 minutes before she left to drive around town for 9+ hours visiting my entire family asking for their forgiveness. Four months later we are watching "Valentines Day" where the lady confesses to an affair decades earlier, and her husband says "And everything since then now feels like a lie" (or something similar). I can only tell you the pain of watching her break down, knowing immediately that something happened she hadn't told me about. She admitted to me that night what really happened, and that she had it in her mind when I said those words to her about full disclosure. As a result, I've dealt with immense issues because we rebuilt our marriage on a lie.

My point is that he may never find the texts, emails, or whatever else. What my wife tells me is that as she became more and more comfortable with "us" again, she became more and more comfortable in not only telling me complete truths, but also more comfortable in admitting her inner thoughts. She said the guilt and pain of what she had done (which by all accounts is minor compared to other stories here on TAM) was eating at her, and she felt the need to tell me every little tidbit. In time you may want to air this knowledge with him, and at that time you can fully expect him to have doubts about the tame span between the act and the truth- and for months, if not years after.

My wife chose to not tell me to protect me. She chose the quick and easy fix, hoping everything would just dissolve and be forgotten. In the end she protected "us" for a few months, but ultimately ruined the months of recovery, and re-destroyed my trust in her upon admission. Of course it's the logical fallacy of "What-if" ... I'll never know what life would be like now if she had given me that full disclosure I wanted up front. What I can tell you is that because she didn't, I was pushed past a point I'll never come back from.

I admire you being self-aware enough to notice what was happening, and for seeking advice on how to deal. Hopefully with all these differing opinions, you'll find the path that is best for you.

jnj express

Hey Lost---why don't you hit your H., with a hypothetical question---as to how he would react if someone were pursuing you---SERIOUSLY-----

You might say to your H---that you have talked to him (You to your H) before about this subject, and he basically ignores it-----then ask him why he does not take the subject seriously----and then just let it drop that you thought that scum, or whatever his name was---was getting way to inappropriate, and you have decided to drop contact with him altogether, and that includes, that the families will need to drop contact

You have now round-about told your H---gotten rid of your guilt, and also you might finally get a reaction out of your very dormant H.

Of course you do know that NC---means NC, from now on---in all way, shape, manner, and form!!!!!!! That also includes all members of your family.

Broken in Pieces

PLEASE, PLEASE, LIW tell your husband now! Trust him! I read you post and it WAS me. Unfortunately I did not have the strength to 1. stop this "friendship" in its tracks or 2. trust the man I married and tell him before, during or after.

I thought I could handle it myself. Wanted to hold on to the "friendship" so much so I sold myself a pack of lies, "this is no big deal", "this doesn't mean anything", "it is just a mid-life crisis". Obvious problem, other than that they were all lies, that they are all selfishly motivated. I wasn't "protecting" my husband from being hurt, by not telling him, even once the affair was over. Protecting him would have been sitting him down and telling him the moment my THOUGHTS crossed the line. The day the FIRST "secret" text was exchanged.

You say you never crossed the line, but answer this, would you be comfortable sharing all the texts you and Matt exchanged with you husband? Are they still on your phone? Or, did you erase them? You see where I am going with this? If you thought it, you crossed the line. PLEASE listen to me. I believe you will put yourself in this situation again, if you don't get it fully resolved with yourself AND your husband now.

Trust your husband. I didn't and now it maybe to late for me. I threw away real love, a beautiful family and life, because I wouldn't let down my guard and be totally honest with my husband. You are protecting yourself out of fear. You are not protecting him. You have already hurt him. He just doesn't know it. Give him the respect, and yourself the respect for that matter, that you both deserve.

Boy I wish I was you, because you don't want to be in my shoes. Not now, not ever.

Jellybeans

You can't be "friends" with someone yu've confessed "feelings" for. It's impossible. He's married, you're married. End of discussion.

It's very telling that when you asked OM what his relationship with his wife was he gave the whole "Idk if she's unfaithful, but probably" and told you that he had once made out with his own wife's friend (hey, you're his wife's friend, too!) ... against his own will. Laughable. Because nobody MADE him do it. What a joke.

The decision whether to tell your husband or not is solely up to you but I will advise you to definitely cut off the relationship you have with OM. You already know he has no respect for his marriage or yours or for your husband. You already know he doesn't respect your boundaries because you told him in the past that he needed not to tell you that you looked nice, etc, and he still pushed. Findingmyway's post is spot on. He wants in your panties and I am sure you're not the first one outside his marriage by his comments that I posted above.

Stay away from him. I wouldn't contact him at all. If he contacts you, tell him you feel this is wildly inappropriate and do not want him contacting you again. End point. Block his # via your phone company if you have to. May seem extreme/harsh, but this is your MARRIAGE and FAMILY that you are talking about. Protect them both.

If this continues and your husband finds out on his own (these things have a way of coming out at the worst times ever) I can guarantee you that he will be destroyed. And your marriage's dynamic will change.

This.

And you know why, right? Because affairs are destructive. Any affair is a betrayal.

That is correct.

Excellent post, top to bottom.

sigma1299

LIW, I'll post up two thoughts as the cheater in a 7 week long EA that got pretty deep. First, I could never have broken mine off without telling my wife - never. The addiction was just too powerful, I wouldn't believe how powerful if I hadn't lived it. So in that I would recommend telling your husband. Especially since you haven't fallen too deep in and seem to genuinely want the EA to end and refocus on your H. My AP and I would periodically have "reality checks" where it would momentarily dawn on one of us what we were doing and rather than own up to it and break it off we would both stick our heads back in the sand and keep going, the addiction is that powerful.

Second, bad news is not like wine, it does NOT get better with age. The odds of you breaking contact with the OM and having this disappear into the past never to be seen or heard from again are less than 50/50 imo. Because while bad news is not like wine, it does crave daylight and will generally find it given enough time. The consequences of burying this, if it is ever discovered will be far far worse than had you come clean now.

A bonus thought. In not telling you may be missing a real opportunity to grow and improve your relationship with your H. If you truly love each other it is real catalyst and opportunity for change in the relationship. My wife and I are now about 10 months post D Day and have talked about things and improved our relationship more than I would have believed.

Ultimately to tell him or not is your decision, just some reasons from my experience in favor of it.

Regardless good luck and it is good that you at least comprehend what was happening to you, your husband, the OM and everyone else in your families.

whammy

I am going to put on a bit of role playing. I am take my opinion as a man and answer this from your husbands point of view...when I say "me" I mean your husband. When you and OM both admitted a crush to each other, that was a start of a relationship. (by the way, there is no such thing as a school girl crush. A woman is either sexually interested in a man or she isnt.) So it became you and him with me on the outside. You brought him into our bedroom by thinking about him while I made love to you. My porn images are anonymous. I am not texting, pursuing a relationship with, nor dropping my kids off at jenna haze's house... so it is NOT EVEN CLOSE to being the same. Let me ask you some questions?
- If you were single, and you and a man both texted that you like each other, what would that be?
- If you were rich, if you didnt have to rely on my share of future money, housing, or child raising where would you be right now? what you be doing with the OM right now? would it be over?
(seriously ask yourself these questions)

So, now that we a have established that you and OM ARE in a relationship (no matter how you try to down play it as a simple crush) every day that I dont know about it means that it is still going on. Even if you ended it and dont want anything to do with him... ever since you and OM bonded over a secret and mutual attraction... to me it is going on every single day I dont know about it... even if I learn about it 10 years from now. it is you and him with me on the outside until you make it me and you with him on the outside like it should be... EVERY MAN IN THE WORLD should be on the outside FOREVER.

turnera

There is one way you can fix this and also have it all work out and done right.

Focus this summer on fixing your marriage. Marriages always need work. Find out what yours needs. Get the book His Needs Her Needs, and follow it. Take the steps to strengthen your marriage so that you and your DH are best friends again, can share anything, will do anything for each other...and THEN tell him the truth, about how close you came and how it affected you, and gave you a wakeup call.

meson

I must disagree with the notion that anyone who flirts with a married person should be automatically considered to be trying to get into their pants. Flirting is relative and what is suggestive for some, to others is fun word play. It is the intent of the person that really matters. In your case his intent could be reflected in his statement that he “made out with her friend” against his will. This sounds sketchy to me and I would be wary.

I have been reading TAM for many months now struggling with similar issues that you are going through. I’ve known this woman, “Pat”, for 6+ years. She helped out my wife, “Jan”, with kid activities for several years. I got to know her and she gave me advice which inspired me to turn around my life for the better. I went back to an old hobby that I had discontinued after the birth of our fist child. “Pat” helped me to see what a Dad should be like to his kids. Pat’s example with her kids also enabled me to understand that my wife was not using the kid activities to “escape” from our marriage. I was raised in a family that just wasn’t that kid oriented. Now I understand better. My life and relationship with my wife improved tremendously. We spent a lot of time together via the kid activities and we discovered that we connect at many levels. I flirted with her and I found myself taking every opportunity to be with her until one day I realized that I had feelings for her. The urge to tell her about them was overwhelming but I tried to convince myself that those feelings were just a crush and nothing more and kept those feelings to myself. More than a year went by and the feelings towards her had not diminished like I thought they would with a crush. They had grown. I realized that I was in love with two people. I had been one of those people who thought it couldn’t happen, but it was happening to me. It was at this time that I found out about emotional affairs and started a lot of time web searching on it. We never really talked at that level or provided emotional support in a way that really qualified for an affair but it was close. We didn’t text, we emailed irregularly but we talked a lot. She certainly was a friend and I didn’t want to lose that. I knew I loved my wife more than anything in the world and she gets me. I knew I didn’t want to do anything to lose her. About a year ago I went kayaking with Pat’s husband (it was a kid activity) and in a competition he sacrificed a personal victory so that the team would win and in particular one kid who was always a loser won. At that moment I knew that he and Pat were meant for each other and that I could not be a part of anything that would hurt their marriage. Up to this point my wife had no idea of my feelings towards Pat. Though I think she guessed them because she made a few comments about my “girlfriend”. Everything was fine until as it happens with every marriage there a time where it was strained. This coincided with my wife’s trip out of the country and at my wife’s recommendation Pat was watching our kids for awhile each morning. So I was in daily contact with Pat while there was stress in the marriage. This was not a good thing but I redoubled my efforts with “Jan”, my wife, and I was successful with reconnecting with Jan and avoiding the temptation of displacement which is well documented on TAM. Shortly after this I discovered TAM and decided that I needed to be proactively transparent. Jan now can read my email, Facebook etc. We discuss nearly every contact I have with Pat and Jan now knows that I have feelings for Pat. Jan knows the benefits that I have received from my friendship with Pat and it content to trust me as long it does not violate any boundaries that Pat may want. Jan and I had agreed before we got married that we would allow cross gender friendships. My hobby (which I have not disclosed because it would identify me to my acquaintances if any are readers of TAM) involves hours alone with partners (men/women) and some times camping with them. The transparency has helped add to the comfort level Jan feels towards my hobby and she has no problems with setting boundaries for me with women she doesn’t want me to deal with. And I respect those boundaries as well as set some of my own. No touching, sexual innuendo, complaining about spouse etc. My situation differs from yours in that I have not told Pat how I feel about her and I don’t intend to.

So Lost, I encourage you to find a way to disclose to your husband your feelings about him. You can make it work if your friend is really friend worthy and cares about you only in that way. If he keeps crossing the boundaries then he is not really your friend and you should treat him like a business acquaintance if it is necessary to keep seeing each other due to activities.

Voyager

Given your husband's history with his mom I can see why you'd be doubly concerned about telling him about Matt.

However, consider this: As long as you and Matt share a secret past experience, then he has some power over you. And you never know when he may decide to exert that power in the future. If you share that secret with your husband, Matt is powerless.

You can't really control the future but you can certainly prevent some futures.

Just something to consider.

And thank you for posting your story here. I have found some hope and comfort in much of the advice you've received.