How to get over forbidden love
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 06-12-2011, 04:01 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How to get over forbidden love

I know I'm opening myself up to ridicule, but hopefully someone can help me out... Here's the condensed version: I've been married for 30 yrs. Became friends with a married man. I already know I shouldn't have, but whats done is done. He and I are in love. Our spouses know and want us back. What he and I really want is to just run off together and start a new life .... but we don't want to hurt our families. We've decided to cool it and work on our our own marriages. However, its killing me to be away from him. I'm in such a depression that I can hardly function. I know this isn't fair to my husband but I just can't shake it. I don't know how to go on anymore. I just want to be with this man. This isn't a teenage type of love thing either. We've both been around long enough to know that we really love each other. I see his faults and I still love him. Is it really possible to get over a love like this and move forward??
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Old 06-12-2011, 04:17 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to get over forbidden love

I'm going to be blunt so I apologize in advance, if he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you.
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Old 06-12-2011, 04:27 PM   #3 (permalink)
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It's called an infatuation, depression is one of the withdrawal phases, once the endorphins are cleared from your system you will see it as that. You must remove all triggers of the OM including any thoughts. Your marriage does not stand a chance of recovering while you continue to think there is a future with the OM. You are playing games with your husband and family. The affair has to be killed and all bridges to the OM torn down, only then can you focus on your husband.

Until you indefinitely go no contact with the OM in words , thoughts and deeds and focus your energy on your husband you will be fence sitting. Make the break, it will be hard that is the consequence of an affair. Your marriage can heal if you commit to it an and allow the process of healing to occur. There is on average a two year recovery period so do not expect a quick win, this assumes you giving your everything to recovery.

Your current state is like a drug addict trying to kick the habit, you will have ups and downs until you have bled the affair out of you then you will look back and wonder what you ever thought of the OM and love is not a word you will use.
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Old 06-12-2011, 04:33 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to get over forbidden love

And no you have not been around long enough to think this is real love, it is not, even old age pensioners fall for the same script it's called the fog and you have a healthy dose of it.
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Old 06-12-2011, 04:42 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to get over forbidden love

How much of the "true love" you are feeling is based on your soul being connected through a higher power to this new man versus the rush of endorphines you are experiencing from initiating a relationship with someone new (hint: the hormones don't just affect teenagers - it is a basic physiological response, the primary drive in ALL affairs). How do you really separate the two conflicting reasons you are using to validate your will? There is also no avoiding the fact that if you end your marriage you WILL hurt (probably devastate) your spouse and likely your family too... you chose to make a lifelong commitment, and if you leave it is you who are choosing to dishonor it. I understand about not wanting to live with regret, experiencing all that life has to offer etc, and if your partner had mutual feelings about I could see your point, but you need to see this for what it is, its a thrill that will come at a the largest possible cost, and you can't see it now because your judgement is clouded by lust. If you took all the energy you are willing to devote to this new man and had been putting it into your relationship instead your marriage would be the kind you want to make it (you need to change your view not partners).

Sorry for my one-sided take on this I am the one who was betrayed by my wife's uncontrollable impulses, she too thinks life is all rosy now that she's with OM - she has been mistaking intensity for intimacy, and when that intensity fades she will be forced to re-evaluate her choices, as you will should you follow through on your impulse.
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Old 06-12-2011, 04:43 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to get over forbidden love

I don't know if I'm strong enough to let go. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just going to have to fall HARD to get my head to clear out. I stopped all contact with him a few months ago. I ended up in the most severe depression I've ever experienced. Couldn't take it any longer and neither could he so we resumed contact. I don't feel like I can live anymore without him. I just want to move on and be happy but I don't think its possible. I've been told that love is a choice. Don't know if I totally believe that. I want to love my husband but I don't think I do. I don't want to love the OM but I DO love him. Wish I could just see into the future. There must be some relationships like this that work out ... Aren't there?
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Old 06-12-2011, 04:48 PM   #7 (permalink)
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And no you have not been around long enough to think this is real love, it is not, even old age pensioners fall for the same script it's called the fog and you have a healthy dose of it.
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What is "the fog"?? And how long does it take to go away?
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Old 06-12-2011, 04:50 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Few affair relationships work out single digets 2% and below, your in a state because you are in contact and have not shut the door. Slam the door shut hard and never contact him again, change all numbers, move work if you have to, delete the email addresses. It is the only way forward.

Btw of those 2% somewhere around 75% divorce later on, that should tell you that very very few make it and from those that do there are many stories from the married affair couple telling of infidelity in these marriage and regret in destroying their original marriages.
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Old 06-12-2011, 04:54 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to get over forbidden love

The fog is a term used to describe the state you are in now, recovery and exit from the fog depends on the individual which is why a hard permanent no contact is suggested, including removal of all opportunities of communication and contact , some take many many months , key is to remove the thoughts and focus your energy on your husband, 20 hours time together per week. Reading books on how to fill your love banks , total focus on each other .

Read "surviving an affair" by Harley, it has some goods tips for both you and your husband
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Old 06-12-2011, 05:00 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Eli-Zor View Post
Few affair relationships work out single didgets 2% and below, your in a state because you are in contact and have not shut the door. Slam the door shut hard and never contact him again, change all numbers, move work if you have to, delete the email addresses. It is the only way forward.

Btw of those 2% somewhere around 75% divorse later on, that should tell you that very very few make it and those that do many stories from the newly married couple tell of infidelity in these marriage and regret in destroying their original marriages.
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You are a married woman and entertaining an affair with a married man. That is a betrayal of everything you and your spouse have put into your relationship, and after 30 years that is a lot. You are definitely in need of something to get you out of your depression, but you should seek individual and marriage counselling, not another man. Shut it down fast because all affairs do is destroy happiness.
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Old 06-12-2011, 05:08 PM   #11 (permalink)
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If you are serious in working on your marriage stop all contact , buy the book I recommend, go to the marriagebuilders.com site search for and download the emotional questionairs form for you and your husband to complete. By posting here shows you are prepared to try , so try with a plan .

First step no contact
Emotional questionairs
20 hours alone with hubby per week , it is hard at first , work at it.
MC only once you have stoped the affair and enforced permanent contact.
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Old 06-12-2011, 05:22 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to get over forbidden love

Myflychic- even on some of the sites that support affairs they say you should not leave your marriage for the OM, leave your marriage if you had problems before the affair started, not problems constuid or invented while in the affair. Furthermore they suggest you live a life separate from the OM for a year or so, they say this as even they are aware of the infatuation of an affair relationship and the lack of success thereafter.
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Old 06-12-2011, 05:59 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to get over forbidden love

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I'm going to be blunt so I apologize in advance, if he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you.
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Fast forward a few years from now and the two of you are now married. You find out that your new husband is cheating behind your back and has decided to leave you for another woman. Unthinkable? Not really because the two of you have demonstrated to everybody - including to each other - that you are more than willing to betray your marital vows because "we're very much in love".

If second marriages have a shorter shelf life than first marriages in general and then add to how some of them were the product of an affair during the first marriage, then you'll see how the deck is stack against the two of you.

If your marriage is unhealthy and toxic then end it. Learn to be comfortable in your own skin before you proceed to get involved in another committed relationship.

As much as the two of you want to romanticize your affair, you can't escape the bitter truth about how selfish, deceitful and cowardly a way it is of resolving issues inside yourself and your marriage.

Last edited by morituri; 06-12-2011 at 06:02 PM. Reason: eta
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Old 06-12-2011, 06:31 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to get over forbidden love

Do it. Run to him. Do your husband the favor of exiting his life, go be with loverboy. Since you're so in love, stop pretending you're working on your marriage, and just give hubby all the marital assets you might think you're 'entitled' to first, and anything else he might want from you before you go, and never,ever come crawling back when loverboy enters his next affair (or you do, or both of you do) when reality of life sets in. Leave and chase the high that you will never find like a junkie strung out.

P.S. as you 'work on your marriage', one of those items is computer transparency... have you shared this posting with hubby?
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Old 06-12-2011, 06:32 PM   #15 (permalink)
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There must be some relationships like this that work out ... Aren't there?
Yep, it's called divorce and remarriage. You've said you don't want to hurt the families involved (I presume children, etc) but you have put yourself in an awkward position for which there is no way not to hurt someone. You each have already hurt your spouses. If you continue with your affair then you will most definitely are likely to hurt other family members when you file for divorce, or when your husband files for divorce because you have continued the affair. So you are going to have to choose who you want to hurt the least, you, your husband and family, or the other man.
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