Background: Married 3 years, together 6 years, known 10 years and share a 2 year old son.
Well were do I begin with my story. Two weeks ago was like any other normal day I do my 9-5 job on my way to work when I receive a text message from my wife. The message proceeded to say that I should look in my side pocket on a bag there is a letter there. Upon arriving to work I read the letter, cut a long story short it then proceeded to advise to me my wife no longer wants to be with me any more and that she doesn't love me and I don't love her and that we deserve much better in life.
I would be lying if I said we hadn't had our fair share of problems in the past, but we share a 2 year old son who means the world to me. I was in quite a state for the next week, she packed her bags the day I received the letter and moved to her step fathers home and left the child with me.
I took the next 2 days racking my brain over how and why she would do this to me, it didn't make sense. Only about a month ago she was saying to me how much she loved me and how she was so lucky to be with me. The reasons for leaving me in her words were because I wasn't as loving as I should have been and didn't give her affection, help with chores around the house and bills seemed to be piling up on us. I will be the first to admit I didn't do a lot of these things I know I should have and clearly see how things would have been so difficult for her and this applied pressure to our relationship.
I went for help asap through a counseling program which is funded by work to help myself and do what I can to repair my family. The first session with the counselor was confusing, I told her my story and she listened and proceeded to tell me, it sounds to her that I was getting confused as to why my wife left me, I wasn't understanding; which I wasn't. The problems we had were that of a normal marriage household which can be worked out with the proper help. I should mention that the night my wife left I asked her that we should seek a marriage counselor and try work through our problems not just for us but for our son; my wife's response in all this was that it's beyond that and we cant fix whats been done. My wife and I have never tried to have counseling before so I thought that this would be a good idea "doesn't she want to try save out marriage" if not for me but for our son.
OK, now this is were the story begins to make sense for me. A week later on a Friday after work I happen to stumble upon a message she wrote to someone on Facebook. The message more or less said she was having a dream about this person and they smiled at each other and then she woke up. The message then proceeded to advise because of this dream she had booked a flight to go see this guy and that she was coming on the 17/06/11 'which hasn't happened yet mind you' and that she hoped this guy was thinking of her.
I was furious I called her I wanted an explanation, she denied it of course. My wife then admitted to what she did when I read out the message word for word and then proceeded to advise nothing has happened. This began to make sense to me because this guy is a country singer and the weekend before the break up she told me that she was going away for a girls week in the country. When she returned she told me that this person happened to be performing at a local country pub event which made me suspicious as I knew this person was a friend on facebook and she happened to randomly go away and he happened to be there. I thought nothing of this until I found the message to this guy; The very weekend she goes away 2 days later my wife wanted to just up and leave not seek any help for our marriage and pretty much call it quits. I later found out through a friend that right after that she then went for a 9hour drive to see this guy were she would sleep with him for the first time, only 2 days later.
I have been bottling my emotions on this up until yesterday when I confronted her on everything. I was angry, upset called her selfish and egotistic how could she do this to our son, our marriage. I was upset and asked my wife for a divorce and that I cant do this anymore it's to hard.
I should give a bit of background about her before proceeding. My wife is the woman who believes in the perfect love, I mean the white picket fence, 2 dogs, 3 children and endless love from her partner. I feel as if the last 2 years of our relationship she wanted more, she feels there a lot more out there. I told her I feel as if she confuses her fantasies with reality. My wife has had a pattern with previous relationships doing the same thing ending them because another guy has come into the picture which she feels can offer her more love and fulfill her greatest fantasies. I never for a second thought I would be in the same boat as these guys, I knew her for 3 years before we were together and we were like peas and carrots, forgive the cliche lol. I believe with most of her relationships she has suppressed any emotions she has currently had for her partner and is quick to move on to the next without thinking.
OK, now that I had this conversation with her it sounds to me she's really confused and doesn't want a divorce with me and she actually took some of the things I said to her on board and now wants to seek help. My wife doesn't want to come back to me as of yet but has started to go through some emotions on what she has actually done to me and feeling guilty about it. I feel so confused at the moment I still don't know if she intends to go see this guy who lives in another state this week or not. I have sought of been told not to tell her not to go, the reason being is when you tell a child don't eat the cookie they eat the cookie, same scenario, if I tell my wife don't go she will just probably want to go more out of confusion and being told what to do by me.
I have come to the conclusion she is quite confused and using this guy as a means to block her feelings of what she's done to me. I believe she is telling herself that she left me for other reasons and not this man because she wouldn't be able to deal with the fact she has ruined our marriage and our sons life. I feel like I may be there as her safety net if all else fails, she may be holding onto me because shes confused and in case she wants to come back. She knows I am a nice guy and would take her back to save our family so I guessed when I dropped the divorce comment she may of felt threatened.
I don't know what to do or how I can get her back she seems to be living out a fantasy and always chasing a bigger love. I am happy for her to have had the time to herself, but seriously 2 days later and shes already finding another guy and seems to want to be emotionally attached to him.
She's been married to you for 3 yrs., and you, in her eyes, "failed to deliver the goods as expected". She will continue looking for that perfect man, and then only when she's over 60 and living alone in a one bedroom apartment with 50 smelly cats, not to mention the memories of failed multiple relationships, marriages and affairs with still more men who didn't "deliver the goods", only then will she wake up and realize how she squandered everything.
It hits close to home with me-this will be my sister in 20 yrs.
F-102 is right. You stated that your wife ALWAYS cheated and left the relationships and that you thought you were different. You may be different, but she is not. She will chase that dream until she wakes up realizing that her looks have gone and that she squandered all her chances. Dump her. She's terminal.
I think that priority 1 for you should be to dig deeper. quietly! Do not confront her with very little morsel of evidence you find. Your at a real disadvantage here not having her in your house. Do you have access to her phone bills/phone? computer that she uses? You should figure out how to align yourself with people around her that can provide you with additional information.
This is classic iceburg situation. You are likely seing the tip of it and your speculating what is actually underwater. You need to understand what your up against. It is likely much worse and much deeper than you think.
This is your mission if you choose to accept it. Gather more information!.
My advice is to tell her that you are willing to work on the marriage IF she is also willing to. But she has to give 100%, not "maybe." If she can't do that, then she's not committed to you.
My wife has had a pattern with previous relationships doing the same thing ending them because another guy has come into the picture which she feels can offer her more love and fulfill her greatest fantasies. I never for a second thought I would be in the same boat as these guys, I knew her for 3 years before we were together and we were like peas and carrots, forgive the cliche lo
Serial cheaters very rarely change their stripes, and this one's not going to change for you. I'm sorry, but you had to have seen this coming because you've known her for so long and saw her past behavior.
No she doesn't want a divorce.......yet. When she does find someone she thinks is beter, then you will be dropped, and she won't look back. She is not confused. She knows what she is doing, and that is trying to find the perfect man. Since she has already cheated on you, then you arent the man for her in her eyes.
You need to lawyer up and see what your options are. Separate your finances and refuse to finance her affairs. You also need to get tested for STDs. All you are to her is the safety net....for now. This is one serial cheater that doesnt have a clue about marriage. Its just a piece of paper to her.
Alex I feel for you and am in the same boat. In my case I didn't have to dig very far to learn that my wife was having a physical affair. All the emotions explode to the surface at the same time and it is hard to separate all the levels of pain. To me it was definitely the betrayal of trust that hurt the most. I was willing to forgive her for the affair quickly, but it was hard to chew on and while I was hurting she continued to go after yet another OM. She said that during the past couple years she was simultaneously 1) trying to work on making our marriage better (alone somehow?) 2) grieving the loss of our marriage (so soon, I though she was working on it) 3) improving herself (by partying at the club every night while your H is home taking care of our son, paying the bills, scrimping to keep our spending within our budget?). How is that even possible? Only by lying.
I can now see past all those lies and realize that she is the selfish person I deep down knew she was, doesn't have the maturity to be honest and actually trust the one who committed his life to her. etc. I know I was difficult to live with, thats because life is hard and I neither one of us was doing any heavy lifting - I got stuck holding the bag and by the time I was done barely getting the basic necessities done there was nothing left for our relationship. So instead of being a partner she just bolted. Nice.
I'm not trying to jack your thread I just want you to know there are others that understand what its like when it feels like you've committed to someone who doesn't have there heart in it. My advice, just take control of the things you can - you can't change her view of life, and the more you try the more likely the cookie you tell your kid not to eat will get eaten (was my experience). Some on here do the "180" and stop communicating be strong by acting strong, I think the reason its so popular is because (as I was reading from another commenter on here, Jellybean maybe?) we have to learn to stop being doormats, forget being the nice guy and just be the good man we are.
Go to the Men's Forum and check out the Man Up and NiceGuy threads. Go to Married Man Sex Life and read Athol's posts and buy his book.
You have to decide whether you want a divorce or not. If you do, lawyer up and fight for your son. If not, you need to snap your wife out of her fog.
Separate your finances. Cancel her credit cards. Refuse to finance her affair.
You also need to recognize that your wife, and women in general, are hypergamic. This means they are programmed to trade mates for higher quality mates. In order to counter this drive, it is ideal to find a woman who recognizes her base instincts and is willing to ignore them. But, most women aren't. So you have to increase your quality. You need to become as high quality as you can be. If your wife believes that she can never get a better man than you, then she becomes much more contented with you and much more attracted to you. If she thinks that some dude on FaceBook is better than you are, then you become her babysitter while she is on dates with him.
You sound like you suffer from the nice-guy syndrome that results from being too beta (Athol's blog will better explain the alpha/beta terms). Unfortunately, beta doesn't attract women. You need to add alpha to your mix. This is true regardless of whether you divorce or not.
Well I should let you know about the update, I have started seeing the counsellor and she is helping me come to grips with my emotions and to stop letting this get the best of me. I have discovered with in myself I need to be the grounded one here for my son, at the moment she is like a balloon spinning in the air out of control and I cant get caught up in it, I guess I need to be the stable one at the moment.
I will admit this is a difficult task, we have arranged to have a day together tomorrow with our son and to take him out. I guess the way I see it is that I could sit here resenting her and hating her for what she has done but that will only make my healing process harder for myself.
I should also state that this Friday I don’t believe she is still going to see this guy one of our close friends is catching up with her on the weekend and she said she’s available anytime to catch up, also on the day she planned to leave she asked if I wanted to do something on that day because she’s free. I don’t think she would want to plan something with me on the day she plans to fly interstate to go see someone else but you never know.