The lying hurts worse than the cheating...
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 06-14-2011, 01:12 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default The lying hurts worse than the cheating...

my situation (which I described in a previous post) involves "minor" incidents of infidelity committed by my boyfriend of 7 years and was accompanied with a LOT of lying, hiding, and trickle truth...

all he is worried about is that I don't think that the incidents (sexting, a kiss, inappropriate flirting) were any more than what actually happened. I am FAR more hurt by the years of lying and betrayal and can't seem to get him to understand that only he knows the reality of the situations and that I can't take what he says to be the truth...

i'm just stuck...it's like hitting my head against a brick wall trying to get him to understand why trust is vital to a relationship and how I've reacted to having that taken away from me...
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Old 06-14-2011, 01:32 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: The lying hurts worse than the cheating...

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I am FAR more hurt by the years of lying and betrayal and can't seem to get him to understand that only he knows the reality of the situations and that I can't take what he says to be the truth...

i'm just stuck...it's like hitting my head against a brick wall trying to get him to understand why trust is vital to a relationship and how I've reacted to having that taken away from me...
It is betrayal that hurts! This is the ongoing pain that people here understand. I have come to the conclusion that unless you have experienced it, you just can't imagine the pain it causes.
I think that is why it is minimized by the DS . They just don't understand.

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Old 06-14-2011, 01:38 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: The lying hurts worse than the cheating...

thank you for the link! it has been difficult to find any words to share with him that express the feeling of being betrayed by the person you've devoted your life to...
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Old 06-14-2011, 01:52 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: The lying hurts worse than the cheating...

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thank you for the link! it has been difficult to find any words to share with him that express the feeling of being betrayed by the person you've devoted your life to...
I took the link off because it was not quiet right, however it gives an approximation of the idea!

Your feelings are completely and absolutely valid. He is not taking responsibility for his actions and trying to blame you for not understanding him.,.
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Old 06-14-2011, 04:49 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: The lying hurts worse than the cheating...

Yes - it's lying and betrayal that really matter. ‘Truth Games’ Truth Games: Amazon.co.uk: Bobbie Darbyshire: Books explores issues of infidelity in 1970s London UK, when the freedoms of the swinging 60s began to run into trouble. It’s the two blazing hot summers of 75 and 76, and a group of friends are getting way out of their depth in infidelity. It is the couple who are honest with each other who (with difficulty!) find their way through.
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Old 06-14-2011, 08:02 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: The lying hurts worse than the cheating...

I agree. It's the betrayal that hurts the most. THe covering up, the lying, the being oblivious to it all.

That is why I've always maintained that it is 200x worse if the BS discovers the cheating/affair by themself. It's bad no matter how you slice it but if the DS tells the BS directly, it's better instead of them finding out on their own.
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Old 06-14-2011, 08:17 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: The lying hurts worse than the cheating...

Liars lie. That's what they do. They lie because they like to lie. It's normal for them. It has little to do with covering something up. It could be about something totally unimportant.
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Old 06-14-2011, 08:19 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: The lying hurts worse than the cheating...

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It has little to do with covering something up.
I disagree. When someone lies about cheating, they lie to cover up the cheating. It has everything to do with concealing the truth.
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Old 06-14-2011, 10:11 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: The lying hurts worse than the cheating...

Yeah except that so many of the stories here portray people who aren't even trying to hide it. And they lie when their halfassed lameness gets caught.

Really honey? 3 hrs to get a can a tunafish and you came back with your clothes on inside out? Was there a tsnumami?
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Old 06-14-2011, 10:42 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: The lying hurts worse than the cheating...

jellybeans, I completely agree with you about the difference in impact between the BS "discovering" the infidelity or being told by the DS.

I feel that (and I know hindsight is always 20/20) I would not have such an intense emotional reaction nor would my reaction be drawn out for so long if I was not concerned with the all the possibilities of what may have happened that he is still lying about...

it is the betrayal and subsequent lack of trust that will be the primary reason for ending my relationship.
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Old 06-14-2011, 09:46 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: The lying hurts worse than the cheating...

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jellybeans, I completely agree with you about the difference in impact between the BS "discovering" the infidelity or being told by the DS.

I feel that (and I know hindsight is always 20/20) I would not have such an intense emotional reaction nor would my reaction be drawn out for so long if I was not concerned with the all the possibilities of what may have happened that he is still lying about...

it is the betrayal and subsequent lack of trust that will be the primary reason for ending my relationship.
To this day I still struggle with the fact that everything had to be dragged out of him, and at first ( maybe still? ) it was inaccurate. A year and a half later she is still showing up, and I wonder why. He says that he is having nothing to do with her. I really want to believe him, and I try to, but he lied to me for so long that it's an uphill battle. It is hard enough for the BS to get beyond this assault on the soul, but when the DS keeps trying to cover up and distort, they are not believed when they actually do begin telling the truth. My H has made just about every mistake a DS can make and he wonders why R has been so difficult and long in coming.
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Old 06-15-2011, 02:29 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: The lying hurts worse than the cheating...

Itís not until trust is gone that you realise what a trust based relationship a marriage is. Wife has gone shopping, has she really? Husband is out playing golf, is he really? Every single minute they are away from us we trust they are doing the right things by us, but are they?

Then we begin to question everything. You love me? Do you really?

And then we start to look back on our marriage and we wonder what was true and authentic, what was real and what was deceits and a bunch of lies, what was unreal. And then we come to the conclusion that weíre never ever going to know what was real and what was lies throughout the whole of our marriage and then we have to come to terms with that.

We come to realise that weíve been deluded, weíve believed in things that are not real, so our life hasnít been real. But they keep on lying and deceiving and we reach a point where we donít believe a word that comes out of their mouth or a word they write down on paper unless we can independently verify it.

Then one day we wake up to it all and we become truly aware that weíre living with a person who has no credibility or integrity and they just donít care about lying, itís just a part of who they are and theyíre never going to change. Thatís when we decide to leave them as living any type of life is far superior to living a life with a liar.
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Old 06-15-2011, 04:02 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: The lying hurts worse than the cheating...

If I'd have found out from a third party I would have grabbed my things and left that second. Even the kids would not have been able to convince me to talk to her.
When my wife burst into tears and told me what happened, she couldn't cope with the guilt and was willing to face the consequences. To find out from a 3rd party shows (to me at least) that they are NOT willing to face the consequences and are merely protecting their own arses and interests. JB is right, to find out from a 3rd is 200x worse. It is literally adding insult to injury.
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Old 06-15-2011, 05:38 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: The lying hurts worse than the cheating...

I agree 100% that the lying part is awful, especially ifit has happened several times before. And i feel so humiliated after trying to cover up things , to make our marriage continue. even wanting to believe things that I knew an outsider would not, just because I could not be sure and foolishly I wanted to believe him. I know I will be ok I guess, but right now I am feeling what sort of person am I that he could value me so little to do this. My self worth is on the floor right now.
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Old 06-15-2011, 05:42 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: The lying hurts worse than the cheating...

It's a very slow process Reindeer, but bit by bit you wil steadily put things back together for yourself.
Repair yourself and take your time. It's nearly 5 weeks from D-day for me and each week I'm a little more composed than the week before. Just a little mind you.
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