KanDo

My wife works out of town for a good part of the year. Getting in touch is sometime problematic and we occasionally use text messaging. During a slow back and forth text session I received this text from her (she apparently was in two different conversations)

"Damn, I want to have two lives. One here (in city 1) and one in (city 2 where I live). I want Jim and KanDo (me) so I can have both."

What would you think?

Runs like Dog

I would want to know who the 4th person is & I'd interrogate the hell out of them to find out WTF is going on.

notaname

Who the hell is Jim?

The advice you will probably get is to start gathering evidence. Don't tip your hand til you got proof.

2xloser

I'd hire a PI, or spend a great deal of time on the sly, in city1 O(which I imagine is quite difficult to do).

Meanwhile, I'd be creating a Plan B, because when the PI turns up the facts (or you do), you are gonna have to make a choice - try to save the marriage, or walk away from the cheater. And whith either choice, you need action steps planned out....

Create a Plan, you're gonna need it. if you don't need it because it turns out all innocent (<000.0001% chance imho), then you can toss it. But wishing you had it when the sh*t hits the fan can't be an option.

Sorry you're here.

madimoff

I think although the others are being more 'plan' orientated, I'd probably go with RunsLD & want to have a conversation about the 4th person.... I think I'd (1) save the text to a file within my phone AND (2) send a copy to her and (3) phone simultaneously with when she would have received it to ask said question, namely wtf is Jim.
nb I don't think you actually said, but do you know if any of her work colleagues is called Jim? I suppose if I'm honest I'd also be googling madly her works company/location and looking at her facebook if she has one, etc. Probably also google her name and the other city location.
In fact I'd be going loop the loop checking up, that's for sure. Not sure I'd be going down the PI route, but doing my own next best thing.

madimoff

To actually answer your question, I would interpret it as meaning she is having a relationship of some sort with someone called Jim, in the city where she works. Plain as.

Mind you he could be a newly-discovered relative she's forgotten to mention to you............... not.

Hicks

If your marriage is important to you, you and your wife should live together full time.

reindeer

I would investigate as much as I could before confronting her. Don't ask her while she is away. Keep it until you can confront her face to face. If you ask her now she will have time to fabricate an excuse. She will prob make one anyway, but however didfficult it is , wait till she comes back.

I went to find out if my husband was staying at a woman's house last weekend, at 05.00hrs. Car was outside. i took a photograph, but really all I wanted to do was either cause a big scene by knocking up the whole house, or leave a message on his car. I refrained , wven though I had to wait until that evening to speak to him, but I had the element of surprise. He denied affair, but I could tell by his body language he was 'caught'.

Of course she may have since seen that she sent it to you. I know how you must feel. Gotta load of trouble in mymarriage discovered from txts. Wish you well.

KanDo

Thank you all for your thoughts and recommendations. She realized that she had sent it to me and texted me that she hoped I didn't take it the wrong way. She wrote "Jim is my good friend who I do everything with and you should understand"

The thing is, this hurts me considerably more than if she had gone out and screwed a boy toy for the weekenf. This clearly is a longer term truly intimate connection that she equates with our relationship; or am I wrong?

reindeer

I agree you are right. people will deny anything when in a corner. i found a txt-' Hey, not going to ...... now, house to ourselves all day and all night. he said he did not remember what that was about!

Also- mmmh-the only way to wake up. he said she loves food and he was talking about bacon! Ridiculous. Be very wary.

Mirrormask

There is nothing for you to "understand" here. The fact is that sometimes things cant be taken back. She has said something that will stay with you for a very long time. I hate to tell you my friend but your not gonna look at her the same when she returns home. You will either have to let it go for good. Or it will eat at you till you despise her and leave her.

DrWife

Whoa dude! Clearly something going on here with "Jim"! I would have texted back "who the hell is Jim?!". Have you talked to her about it since?

Hicks

Expecting your wife to stay loyal to you while you are seperate is a tactical mistake. It can happen, but you should not live your life assuming it will happen.

KanDo

Update. We are at the marriage counselor. Still admits nothing wrong. Did find two emails that don't look good either. So far we have not discussed this issue in MC yet. My plan is to require a choice. Me marriage and my city or city 1, Jim and divorce. She has her phone locked and likely erases each txt anyway. Found the email because she used my computer to access her account and left it open....I have called divorce attorney and forwarded these pieces of "evidence" on to her and started the paperwork..

I am pretty broken hearted.

reindeer

Things have changed a bit since your last post KanDo. i was just wondering why you are at MC, but also proceeding in a legal way, are you planning to divorce or hoping to reconcile?

I am sorry you feel so bad. I understand that. Further to my last post, I now have confronted my husband with absoloute proof and he still denies. I have broken all contact with him for 15 days now. I do feel more in control and it is helping me to move forward.

The truth is painful, but you need to know, not being sure is even worse. Take care.