I have read a bunch of the threads that were posted and found them very helpful. I have a few questions for everyone. I have been married for 19 years. She had an affair three years ago with multiple men. She has told me all of the details but I have more questions and she won't answer them. She says either she doesn't know or she can't remember. Three years ago she was seeing a therapist for her abuse she suffered as a child. She said that she just went off the deep end trying to deal with it. Anyway two years after that she found out she was bipolar and she has been on medication. She has changed a little she is not like she was three years ago. Anyway I am getting off the point. The point is I can't sleep anymore my mind races. I can't eat and I just have no will to really live. I basically go to work and come home that's it. I can't go out with out triggers and I can't stop thinking about it. When will I be unstuck? How do I move on? my self esteem is gone and I can't get it back. I am not in counseling because I don't think they can help me. I do want to R but I feel like it is not fair to my wife to have to relive her affair everyday. She cries all of the time because she feels so bad and then it makes me feel bad. I am just still so angry. If you need more information just ask. I just need someone eases opinion. Thank you
I am just at four weeks with this and am very hurt and unhappy, but I can tell you that it does get better. Start by taking care of yourself - make yourself eat, get enough sleep, work out, etc. Force yourself to do things you normally find enjoyable and try to be around other people a lot.
Both of you need to work on this. She has to be open about everything right now. Access to email, facebook, phone, etc... She needs to work hard to rebuild trust.
You have to realize that if you don't get your arms around this and accept it (maybe "accept" isn't the right word but I think you know what I mean), it will drive her away.
She has been very open as far as access to email, facebook, and everything else. Its just me I can not get over it. I can't believe she would do this to me. I can't be intimate with her. We have not been intimate in a very long time. She has been very patient with me. I just can not find it in myself to accept what she has done to me. I have no self esteem and I can not move on. I feel like I won't be able to move on with or without her. I still love my wife but I just don't know how to move on. I feel like there are more questions that I need answered and she will not help me answer them because she says she can't remember or why does it matter now? We tried marriage counseling but it was making me more miserable to go because it was a huge trigger.
She has been very open as far as access to email, facebook, and everything else. Its just me I can not get over it. I can't believe she would do this to me. I can't be intimate with her. We have not been intimate in a very long time. She has been very patient with me. I just can not find it in myself to accept what she has done to me. I have no self esteem and I can not move on. I feel like I won't be able to move on with or without her. I still love my wife but I just don't know how to move on. I feel like there are more questions that I need answered and she will not help me answer them because she says she can't remember or why does it matter now? We tried marriage counseling but it was making me more miserable to go because it was a huge trigger.
MC is a trigger, but you need to work through those feelings. Possibly IC in your case. It helps to talk with someone who can offer an objective view of your situation and give you some suggestions about how you can move on. Complete honesty from your wife is essential in order for you to reestablish an acceptable level of trust in her and in the viability of the relationship. It may be that you do not want to continue in the marriage at all, but feel obligated to do so because of your wife's problems. IC will likely help you determine what you really feel and what you need to get beyond this.
think - my situation was much worse than yours and I understand completely about the PTSD and triggers. I guessing she revealed recently or you discovered, not three years ago. If that is the case, you are still in shock and yes those movies playing in your head and triggers are Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. If it is tearing ou up that bad as it did me and your are really feeling like not going on, you need to immediately see your physician for an anti depressant and an anti anxiety like xanax. I considered more than once and it is really scary feeling to be so close to the edge. My worst times were when I had the long drive to and from work, I would literally disintegrate. Those times are when you need an anti anxiety like xanax. I was anti meds real hard. But they helped me to get stable and away from the edge and made it possible for me to start to cope rationally with what had happened and start to heal. I also started IC immediately. GET HELP NOW. Secondly, beggining to understand the why couldn't happen until my wife understood herself. BUT, there are a lot common threads in all affairs. Find the book.Not Just Friends and read it. If you get your wife to as well that would help. ALso look up a website called beyondaffairs.com There are individual coaching sessions you can do to get you over the intitial insanity your feeling. At a minimum look for the seminars tab then the teleseminars tab and start listening to them. There is a ton of information for the BS only and some for the WS as well. They will help you to understand and find hope. Keep posting here as well, but be careful. There are many people on here who will encourage you to D. Follow your heart and your gut, not what people tell you to do,
think2much, you are not alone. I think to much also Seriously, I used to have sleep issues as in my mind raced over little details of my life and I could not relax and fall asleep. After D-Day I had a whole new set of mess to worry about each night.
What everyone said here is true. You need to do some things for your self to make you feel good about yourself. It is a good distraction.
I"m going to throw out some weird advice here on the sleeping. At first I decided to take sleeping pills. I did this for 6 months. It worked. But my distraction is weight lifting lately. One thing I ended up trying was testosterone boosting with estrogen blocking. I'm not talking about steriods or prescription drugs here....talking about weak OTC supplements. This stuff is mild. But, one of the great side effects is fast deep hard sleep. May be worth looking into. I am totally off sleeping pills after taking them for 6 months every single night.
"Its just me I can not get over it. I can't believe she would do this to me. I can't be intimate with her."- Yup... same with me was watching the movie "Inception" again the other day, and he was describing that his wife was "possessed by an idea" she couldn't let go. No matter how hard he tried to convince her. This resonated with me- It just wouldn't register with me to accept what had happened... I couldn't let it go. I knew this wouldn't work out so I decided to go- no reason for this to drag out anymore.
I'm sorry that you are stuck in limbo. You certainly aren't in R, but you aren't headed toward D. Limbo is agony. Since you haven't given much detail, I also assume that you just recently found out. Now you have this need for information and she won't give them to you because you are the type of person that needs to know what you are forgiving in order to move on. Not everyone is like that, but you do. We're all different in that way.
Here's a suggestion that I've read on other sites that might help you. In one sample NC letter, the BS asks the WS to write down a timeline of the affairs. That way its on paper, without having to constantly recall their memory. Usually, the standard is 1 week for her to give you the written timeline. Like who, where, what, and when. You don't need to get the graphic details, because that will only make the mind movies worse. As an incentive, you need to agree with her that you will try your best and begin the process of R with her, provided she meets the conditions for R, when she writes down the timeline.
Since you have read a lot of threads here, then you know about the conditions for R that most BSs here have, like absolutely NC with any OM, transparency, accountablity, remorsefulness, etc.
Next, you really do need to go into IC if you can. Also see your doctor about any possible meds. Like I've said before, don't be one of those people that think they're weak if they go on meds. The right meds can help calm you down, stave off depression, and help you think more clearly. You say you don't think they can help you, but how will you know unless you try?
Once you start to heal, you will finally get to the point where you can decide for yourself if you want to try the long hard road to R, or you can decide that this is a deal breaker for you and proceed to D. R isn't for everyone, so don't feel bad if it's not for you and you decide to D. Only 35% of marriages survive infidelity, so the odds are already against you by a margin of 2 to 1. It will take 110% committment from her and you to make R work. And this is a long process, which lasts on average 2-5 years.
Stuck 
Seriously, I used to have sleep issues as in my mind raced over little details of my life and I could not relax and fall asleep. After D-Day I had a whole new set of mess to worry about each night.
