Help! Wife Won't Communicate With Me
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Old 10-21-2008, 06:59 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Help! Wife Won't Communicate With Me

Hi Everybody,
I am hoping this is the right area to post this. If not I apologize. I have made some dire mistakes in my marriage. I have communicated with 2 different women (one was an EXGF) online in explicit, intimate conversations for the past few years.

My wife and I were becoming distant this summer due to stress at work. At the beginning of August she took my computer and searched through it and found some old emails that had been written. She assumed and questioned me about having an actual physical affair. I did not have a physical affair and I explained this to her. She didn't believe me. She left and moved in with her sister – who has since sworn me off as well.

That night I received a call from her father and threatening me with lawsuits, divorces, etc. I tried to explain to him how sorry I was about what had happened but he wanted no part of it. He was taking over the “investigation” and he was going to call his lawyer – who he had been to court with (and won with) 30 times - to get to the bottom of this.

He and my wife showed up at our house the next day, to collect some of her belongings, with a police officer (at my father in law’s request – and to the embarrassment of my wife) so there wouldn’t be any “trouble.” A few days later he told me that HE had decided that HE was going through with divorce proceedings.

The next day I received a call from her that was a mixture of anger and emotion. She yelled at me and also told me how much she loved me and missed me. At that point I had emailed the other women and explained to them that it was wrong for me to talk to them and that it had cost me my marriage and that I did not want to hear from them again. For the next week or so there were some emails going back and forth from my wife and I. She would question me about certain things and I would respond truthfully. I was feeling okay in that I felt like she was going through her healing process.

Things were quiet for about a week and then I received a call from the husband of one of the women. We talked for some time. He was very rational and he told me that his wife confessed to the online activity and that he forgave me for what had happened. He informed me that his wife had done this before only she had actually had a physical affair with another man. I was truly sorry for what had happened to him and I let him know that I respected the fact that he wanted to make things work with his wife.

A few days later he contacted my wife via email as part of his healing process. After their conversation, my wife absolutely lost it. She called me to scream at me and tell me she hated me and not to contact her or anyone in her family. Since then I have received a couple of emails from her with questions but it’s been silent for 2 months.

About a month ago I was served divorce papers which had been filed around a week after everything had happened. Before everything happened, we had already scheduled an appointment with a marriage counselor. I ended up going to the appointment and have gone – by myself – every week since. I went to confession and have been going to church every week as well. I have been praying every day since she left and I am hoping that we can reconcile.

My problem is that there is no communication at all. I have written her a few letters, apologizing for my actions and telling her that I am committed to finding out why I did the things that I did so that I can correct those mistakes. I haven’t received any response from her at all. I don’t know what else to do. Any suggestions? I miss her terribly and I don’t know what to do…Again, I apologize if this is not the right place to post my situation....
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Old 10-21-2008, 08:27 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help! Wife Won't Communicate With Me

I really wish I could suggest something to you to make things better.

I was on the same end as your wife in the very same situation, so I'm sure I can say I legitimately know how it feels. To be honest, it would have been easier for me if my boyfriend had a short, purely physical affair- but to have talked to women online over the span of years really is another matter entirely, because there is so much emotional attachment.

I don't know you, or her, really, but in my head, I think she must still love you, and that's why she's distancing herself. The things she must have felt when she found out was absolutely crushing, if the way I felt was any indication. And also as a result, I found myself trying to distance myself from my boyfriend to lessen to the hurt, but BECAUSE I wanted to get over it.

The divorce papers...I'm very sorry about that. In my situation, I had to convince myself that online conversations wasn't worth leaving him - I hope she can see it. Whether or not they actually meant something, I don't know.

Well, I don't know if I've made any sense, and I think I probably haven't. I'm not in a particularly good frame of mind because of my own troubles, but I want things to work out for you, because I think you do realize you did something wrong, but you are so committed to making things right. I hope she will start to see it and join you in the counseling.
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Old 10-21-2008, 08:36 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Thx LJ,
As you can see I have been posting on your thread as well!! I think part of the problem in my situation has been the involvement of her family. Right out of the gate her father was talking divorce. Her mother left me a message telling me that she "had hoped she was wrong about me???" My family on the other hand has been nothing but supportive of her. They love her as though she is their own daughter and they miss her terribly. She had a better relationship with them than her own family. I do believe that she still loves me. She is the most loyal and honorable person I have ever met. I used to be that way before I became somebody else. Unfortunately it took this situation for me to realize who I really am so that I could start the long road back. I know that she is still hurting. I can feel it. She's not a person that could just turn her feelings off. In my siuation, I wasn't involved online because I didn't love my wife. I even spoke positively about her. For me it was more of an escape from the stresses of everyday life.
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Old 10-21-2008, 08:47 PM   #4 (permalink)
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In my siuation, I wasn't involved online because I didn't love my wife. I even spoke positively about her. For me it was more of an escape from the stresses of everyday life.
That's exactly what my boyfriend told me. And in my head, I can accept it as true. However, every other part of me wants to know why I myself couldn't be that escape, and why wasn't I enough, or if I was part of his everyday stress.

As for family... definitely it makes a difference. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, I bottle my emotions, so I didn't tell anyone anything, except on this forum. I also knew my family would react very poorly to the news, and I just couldn't bring myself to do it, because they probably wouldn't have let him live.

I wonder if there's any way of getting her away from the influence her family's opinion for a short while, even if it's just for something like a coffee. I know personally that bad feelings can fester when you're not face to face, but it becomes a lot easier to let it out and get straight to the issues and try to bang them out in person.
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Old 10-21-2008, 09:00 PM   #5 (permalink)
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don't take it too personal about not being "the escape." You might have been unfairly grouped into "reality" even if you weren't a cause of stress for him. I know if I had been better at compartmentalizing my stresses I would have been much better off. I distanced myself from my wife because of some financial worries I had (she has some health issues and i didn't want to burden her with any stress) and she took that as a sign of an affair or something like that. my online activity and my distance were two separate things. At the point this was going on I wasn't speaking ot these girls frequently. She told a family member of mine that "I hope that time will heal everything - I really do." I don't really know what that means though. At some point I would think she will want to talk and get answers / closure but who knows. Everything I read says to back off but I wonder if I didn't fight enough for her....
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Old 10-21-2008, 10:38 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by devastatedRH View Post
My problem is that there is no communication at all. I have written her a few letters, apologizing for my actions and telling her that I am committed to finding out why I did the things that I did so that I can correct those mistakes. I haven’t received any response from her at all. I don’t know what else to do. Any suggestions? I miss her terribly and I don’t know what to do…Again, I apologize if this is not the right place to post my situation....
Do you think she got the letters? May be the family blocked them. Being that they are so involved right now, it is possible.

Do you know her schedule? Maybe you could try to talk with her after she gets off work, or after a gym class, etc. The point is to meet with her where her family cannot interfere. (I hope this won't seem like "stalker move", but it is worth a try.) Good luck.
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Old 10-22-2008, 09:07 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I believe she got the letters and cards and emails. I know it's been three months but I think it still hurts her as though it just happened. I know it does for me. She works for her father at his home office so that's not going to work. She doesn't do much other than that. Her whole family (to the best of my knowledge) turned on me and her friends too. The next time I'll get to see her is at our hearing.
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Old 10-22-2008, 02:15 PM   #8 (permalink)
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DevastatedRH,

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I can't believe I am saying this. I too am like your wife. My husband had an EA (emotional affair) and I question if that is all there was to it. Anyway, I wish you all the luck and best wishes>
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Old 10-22-2008, 02:48 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Thank you so much. I really appreciate your kind words. I too am sorry for what you are going through as I can't stop thinking about the hurt and shock that I have brought my wife. There is nothing I wouldn't do to take that away. I am so distraught over her family's involvement. Not one of them wanted us to work this out at all. IMMEDIATELY they started using the D word.

Can I ask, why do you think there was more to your situation?
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Old 10-22-2008, 06:07 PM   #10 (permalink)
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i don't know why loveandmarriage thought there was more but i can tell you why i feel that way at times too. it's because he broke the trust in our relationship. it makes you second guess a lot of aspects in my marriage after the phone calls & texts were discovered. it's super hard for me to believe that a man & woman can actually just "talk!" especially when such great lengths were taken to hide everything! in my mind i hear "what are you stupid? do you actually believe & trust him that nothing else happened?" I feel like if i had to tell anyone else the whole story & i said nothing else happened, they would give me that "are you serious?" look. it's so hard to rationalize after something like this happens to you.

my question to you would be "why did you do what you did knowing that it would absolutely kill your wife & your marriage?" this is what i have a hard time understanding on my end. i just don't get why you would want to potentially risk everything. was it a thrill? did you really think she wouldn't find out? did you think of the significant other of the other woman? these are tough questions, but I can guarantee that your wife is asking them!

good luck!
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Old 10-22-2008, 07:38 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Thx for responding butterfly. First I have to tell you how sorry I am that you are going through this. I hope that God will intervene in your situation and make things right. Whenever I read another person's situation I relive the pain that I am feeling for hurting my wife. I've been meeting with my counselor to get to the root of why I did what I did. I believe that it was an escape from reality, from the stresses of my everyday life. I wasn't doing it with the intention of hurting my wife so unfortunately I wasn't taking her thoughts into consideration. I didn't think about the significant others because I never thought that it would become more than what it was. I know these probably aren't the answers that you want to hear but I appreciate you asking them. I have not been able to speak to my wife to answer any of her questions. I can assure you, given the chance I would answer everything truthfully. I would do anything to fix what I have done. What is your H doing to correct things? What is making you give him a second chance?
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Old 10-23-2008, 12:26 PM   #12 (permalink)
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i suppose my biggest reason for giving him another chance is that we have 4 children. i feel that i owe it to my children to do absolutely everything to make it work. i can honestly say that if we did not have children, i don't think my 2nd chance would be extended. i'm a very loyal & true person. that's why it is so hard to understand it. also, everyone's situation is so different! therefore, i don't know how to tell you to fix your situation. i will suggest to you that no matter what happens, don't play games & just be honest! be who you are & not what anyone else wants you to be! i wish you the best & hope that your wife gives you the opportunity to talk!

actually, i just posted my last post in my thread (how do you let it go?). i have reached a very low point & feel it is time to do some soul searching without hearing any other voices telling me what might work. this forum can be very, very helpful & encouraging! so keep posting! i just wanted to let you know that i will no longer be posting or check other threads. i feel the same as you said that everytime i read someone else's story, i relive my own. i can't do that anymore. it's time for me to close this chapter of my life & move on!
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Old 10-23-2008, 01:30 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Thx Blue. I hope for the best in your sitch. I just said a prayer for you. I know that regardless of the terrible mistakes that I have made that I am a good person. I also know that I truly love my wife regardless of what her or her family thinks. We have had our ups and downs but there is nothing that I wouldn't have done for her.
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Old 10-23-2008, 01:46 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Thank you so much. I really appreciate your kind words. I too am sorry for what you are going through as I can't stop thinking about the hurt and shock that I have brought my wife. There is nothing I wouldn't do to take that away. I am so distraught over her family's involvement. Not one of them wanted us to work this out at all. IMMEDIATELY they started using the D word.

Can I ask, why do you think there was more to your situation?
Sorry I did not answer your question sooner. I had to take my 19 month old to the ER last night.

Anyway to answer your question in a brief version, my husband and a married customer of his were calling each other 9+/day. Each call lasted any where from 15-65 minutes. They were also texting each other numerous times a day. When I found out about all of this, I demanded that my husband stop all contact with her. He said he would, BUT when I checked his e-mail the next day he e-mailed her that they had to stop calling each other so much because I think something is going on. HOWEVER, they could still e-mail each other because my wife does not check this. To me that is a slap in the face and if he is willing to lie to me and keep this going behind my back, then there may be more to this than he is telling me.
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Old 10-23-2008, 03:15 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I'm sorry. That's lousy. It is a slap in the face. If he truly wants to make this work then he has to cut ties cold turkey. Did you questions him about the email?
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