Just wanted to check and see if anyone else has had this...
All is going very well in our efforts towards R. Other than some residual OM stuff we are dealing with, the transparency and effort have been strong and good. Generally speaking, I feel really strong and feel very good about the changes I am making and how I am doing.
So why do I have this feeling of impending doom? The other shoe has dropped, I know almost everything there is to know about the A, but I feel like there's this weight suspended over me weighting to drop.
It's actually a common symptom of depression. Which to some degree you are suffering. Depression is triggered as one of the normal stages of coping or healing from a great loss.
In the case of someone who is reconciling the marriage, what you are mourning is the loss of unconditional trust and the loss of the realtionship that you once had. In the cases of marriages that do not survive the trauma of infidelity, the loss and subsequent depression are obvious.
I combine this thought with wrestling with a not-very-real-and-I-know-it feeling in my gut that there's something else that I should know, some other thing. But it's somehow different than a gut instinct that I know I should trust... I think maybe the impending doom is the simple knowledge that this will be there hanging over you for the rest of your life with her, but you have yet to experience that somewhat normal (but forever changed) life.
@Pit - Thanks, that makes a lot of sense. It is something I will just have to try to work through. That is very helpful.
@2x - That's it exactly, the feeling that I'm missing something, even though I've left very little left unasked (just the grisly details of the encounters, which I'm not going to ask). Making it very hard to focus on work today, but am going to put on some music, meditate a bit here at my desk and dig back in. Thanks.
I agree. Even though I am 19 days out from D-Day and the A actually took place over 6 years ago, I just have this feeling that I don't know everything, and fear that everything she's doing right now is a facade. I keep waiting on her to look at me and tell me that the joke was on me the whole time. I have to continuously push these thoughts out of my head and sometimes that's very difficult. I know that my life is forever changed with her now. She wept when I told her that when I look at her, I get this overwhelming feeling that she's not the person I thought she was. I think she genuinely feels guilt and remorse over the A. I just have to get to the point where my mind believes it.
Don't worry brother, I'm right there with you. Pit-Of-My-Stomach is right, it's just depression that our marriages have lost their innocence.
I think to some degree, everone here will experience this feeling.
Here are some other common feelings associated with this depression
Feeelings of Doom
Sleep Disturbance
Appetite Changes
Fatigue
Physical Symptoms (headache, backache, or muscle pain)
Irritability
Lack of Concentration
Feelings of Sadness
Loss of Interest
Anxiety
Thoughts of Suicide
I too have had those feelings of impending doom. Back in January when my now exH went out on a movie date with the woman he was (still is) involved with and I found out about and confronted him on it, he played it off like it was no big deal and even made me think I was over reacting. Deep down, I knew better but I wanted to believe I was over reacting because at the time, it was much easier to sweep things under the rug than to face the truth. For the 3 months, I dealt with the impending doom feeling until I caught him red-handed with her in her car parked down the street from our house. I think I have dealt with most all those symptoms of depression Pit listed above. Just not suicide. I wouldnt kill myself. If I did that, then I would miss out on watching him suffer when karma comes around and that's one show I aint gonna miss!
@ Pit - I've had most of those feelings, including the suicidal ones. I won't act on them because I have kids and won't leave them for anything and the efforts we are making towards R have left only the sleep disturbance and impending doom feelings as the only symptoms I have left.
@Apple - also a great reason to not think of suicide. Karma will be a bit@h someday. Oh and I love your sig. I am going to use that the next time we have a setback. Kudos to you.
I'd add "nightmares so you real you can taste 'em" to that list. Killer for me...
My old (pre-DDay) worst nightmare was my wife (and/or child) being physically hurt or abused, and me being bound or otherwise hindered from rescuing them, not able to break through and get to them.
Now, I've started to experience a horrid variation: I see my wife being what appears to be sexually assaulted... I break through and get to her, only to have her grin and turn back toward the 'attacker', wrap herself around him. Even though her A apparently never got sexual, I can never get back to sleep afterward.
One poster who wrote about his recovery from an affair (Bestblu1) talked about his battle with these thoughts. He referred to them as the enemy. In one of his posts, he said Then the thought came to me that the thoughts and the pictures they were creating in my mind were my enemies. Those thoughts have a mission in my life. Their mission is to destroy me. This was one of those "eye opening" defining moments for me. I can still remember the intersection I was stopped at when I realized this.
From that day till this, anytime those thoughts come to me of what happened, I recognize the thoughts as an enemy that wants to destroy me. They don't go away immediately but they have way less lingering affect and I am able to move on within a matter of minutes.
yeah all those symptoms and more!
I have a double D Day. I found out 5/7/11 and got an almost plausible denial but not plausible enough for me to let my guard down. Odd comment by wife let me to call suspected OM 2 days ago for second fully confirmed DD.
@Riverside - That's a good visualization technique. I like it and will be using it. Thanks.
Had lunch w/my wife and talked about how I was feeling and while it isn't completely gone I do feel better.
I will be so happy as time passes and this stuff becomes more of a memory than a part of day to day life. Do you think that if our waywards knew how much damage they were doing that they would still do what they did?
@Riverside - That's a good visualization technique. I like it and will be using it. Thanks.
Had lunch w/my wife and talked about how I was feeling and while it isn't completely gone I do feel better.
I will be so happy as time passes and this stuff becomes more of a memory than a part of day to day life. Do you think that if our waywards knew how much damage they were doing that they would still do what they did?
I think they do know how much damage they are causing but it's different for them because they have not experienced the same kind of pain as we have. They've not personally been in our shoes. Anyone can say they understand but unless you've personally experienced it, you can never truly understand. So, yeah, I think they would still do it even knowing the damage done because to them that does not matter, only the moment of what is happening matters. Anything else can be dealt with later so long as they can have their moment.
Feeling of doom - very strange 
