flip flop emotions driving me insane...
so this week has been more difficult than most.
Some days I can barely talk about anything without welling up about my soon-to-be-single-after-sixteen-years life to be.
Monday I was alright, feeling better about the situation, not so broken i guess..
and then for three days it was like i would wake up in the morning and "Oh YEAH", my life is fixing to turn to pooh.
im still living in the house, we finally scraped the cash together to pay the clerks fees for filing for divorce, now we have to shore up the sample Decree de' Divorce, so it says everything we want it to, in our pro-se "amicable" (LOL) divorce process.
today I think I recognize a fear. Not really a fear of living alone, but then again maybe a fear of the sorrow that being alone might bring with it, in comparison to what it was, even if I try to romanticize the way it really used to be, when it wasnt.. I try to focus on my future, what am I going to do, where am I going to live, thinking I should be able to afford a small house in the general vicinity even if it is a fixer-upper, i can do all that and it might actually keep me occupied during the "healing process", its that healing process and the true grit of those coming days that are looming that i fear. I dont want to go through it, Ive been through enough just to get to this point already. Good Grief, let it end....
Im going to be turning 40 in a couple of months, and just realized that theres not going to be anything going on for me. I dont think I would want my stbxw to do anything for me, as was the plan since last year, but my only other option is to purchase a couple of 40oz Schlitz Malt Liquors and go stare at the yard. This of course is providing I have already physically seperated from my wife, the divorce is proceeding through and ive found a place of my own. May be too early for that yet though. Here in TX they make you wait 60 days from date of initial filing before you are legally divorced. then I have to send my decree to the financing company so they can get the ball rolling on getting the funding together, then i need to find a house, and move into it, and when its all said and done, There I Will Be. Probably not all going to happen super fast. Lets add time to the slow drain of this shallllll we??
Unfortunately I picture a couch, with me on it, watching television in an otherwise empty house, and that sucks.
But it would probably be about the most I could handle at the time.
This divorce, and being torn away from the "family" Ive come to live for these past ten years is going to have its big moments for me Im sure. I think that I am fearing that, as I am the type that likes to "prepare", and find myself totally unprepared for whats to come.
Since I am still living in the house with my stbxw, and little girl, its just been kind of like playing "house" while this big black elephant sits in the corner. Hell, we went grocery shopping together the other day, just because we are still buying that kind of stuff out of a joint-account, and paying mortgage, etc, out of that for right now. It all ends when the divorce is done and I am moved out. For now, its hard to keep in mind that this is truly ending, and what you see is not what you get.
I chose to move out. I cant afford that house on my own, and dont think I would want to live there with the memories. She thinks she can handle it, and has her mom living there for additional support, so let them have a go at it. Hope they can keep it going at least until I am in my own place for sure.
Just not liking the day to day rollercoaster of emotions I feel. So freaking burdensome. I need to sleep for a week it seems.
Not looking forward to the days to come, and yet keep picturing myself in my own place. I cant really feel a sense of happiness about it. I still think it is the fear of what emotional turmoil is to come once its finally officially over with that is giving me a hard time. Keep the bar stocked you say?
I also fear this weakness of mine, if and when my then to be EX wants to try to rekindle things. Not trying to fool myself, but I really dont want that ball in my court. Its somewhat less-than-confusing to know that "I" wasnt the one that initiated this divorce.
We just recently had a friend pass away, and right now, they are going through the whole procedure to get a plot and set up the viewing and burial and all that. My wife is over at his exwife's house (they were lifelong friends his exwife and her) all night last night and the night before "helping out", really involving herself in that. Hell, last weekend we were over there because my daughter swims with their little girl over there and having a few beers, and it was sort of like a pool party, and this dude who passed away, his ex wife who owns that house was lip-locking in the pool with some other guy, so shes obviously moved on, but I guess there were still ties between them as they had that baby girl together. But to see my own wife put so much effort into helping and being there for her during this time, is SO ADMIRABLE,,, to an extent,, i guess..., but just seeing my wife usher herself in the middle of their business in the effort to "help out" when her own marriage at home is in shambles, is weird. Of course, I get the "you dont seem to be interested in really being involved in it" in terms of going over there for moral support 24/7 like my wife has, but you know I AM sort of dealing with some issues of my own you know, like the death of my marriage!!! Sorry to seem like I dont give a FK but what the hell do people expect??
To have that turned around on me and being told that I seem careless about his death and involving myself in the many "gatherings" theyve had since then, is one more thing my wife can "use" to demonize me. Hey, lady, how about you mourn the loss of your own family you dumbass. I wish you would have put half that much effort into this marriage before you cheated on me. Maybe I should have just said, Im not going because I dont like you anymore.
Maybe being all into their business makes her feel better about herself. I wasnt all that close to any of them, so I dont know how involved I should be, and quite frankly because my wife is there I dont really want be there too...Even now, its like after you have chosen to get divorced you have expectations of me to do what YOU want me to do, otherwise i'm a selfish and careless person? Live up to your own standards, physician HEAL THYSELF...
His delay, is not a denial.