How do you know when you are beating a dead horse? It has been 4 months since I found out my wife cheated on me and my mind has been in a tail spin ever since... i feel crushed..at first she called it an emotional affair.. where she was just going to this guy for support.. and then the lies that covered lies that covered lies started to come out.. and i found out they were having phone sex while she would be bathing.. then i found out the ultimate pain that I cant stop thinking about.. they had sex together she says once.. but because of the 5 months of lies I dont believe her.
its tearing me apart, we have arguments about it almost once per week...
i live in a small town, everytime I see the guy she slept with i want to hurt him bad.. but then I think to myself its not his fault.. its hers.
our mutual friends wont hardly talk to me because they are putting pressure on me to leave her..but I want it to be my choice.
Are there any other men in here that have gone through this..i could really use some advice.
You can get through this if you BOTH want to. It starts with getting agreement from her to permanently end the A and being totally transparent - both of you.
Here is something I posted to another user about how my wife and I started:
Her past reactions are the past and what she needs to correct. Never expect yourself to forget. The goal is to find a new standard of behaviour you can be happy with. I made it very clear to my wife when she finally decided to reconcile - first and foremeost this was not going to be trying, it had be all in or never mind. Secondly, with regards to the dishonesty and the affair, I told her the new deal had to be first a no contact letter we agreed on and I sent and that anytime anyone started flirting or with sexual banter, she was to tell me immediately including who it was and she must walk away from whomever after tellling them what they were doing was inappropriate and unwelcome. As far as the OM, say nothing more than get away from me and call me immediately if it was face to face or a call. If was text or an email - don't delete it, don't respond and call me immediately with the address or number. These rules were not open for interpretation, I didn't want to worry or hurt you or I just thought type of responses. They were 100% non-negotiable if she wanted me to start to rebuild trust and faith in her. Honesty was the MOST important thing. If she had any feelings about contacting the OM or about anyone else, she was to let me know and we would discuss it - obviously after I cooled down. I told her it was critical we build these types of boundaries for me to feel safe and secure after what she had done. There was no way I could START to have trust in her otherwise. I also told her it was a zero tolerance policy. If I ever discovered anything it was divorce. I expected her to divorce me before ever proceeding with anyone else again.
To me, and she agreed, this was where the affair took her completely off track and ruined what we had built. Yes it was a severe screw up on her part and she owned it 100%. The only way I could even consider reconciling was if I could begin to trust my heart wouldn't be torn out again and handed back to me as hamburger.
I also made it a condition that she see a Psychiatrist/therapist to get herself stable on meds becuase of her ongoing depression and to figure out how and why she was able to completely disregard me and my love for her and do this. She couldn't explain why and we both needed to understand it so we could be sure to prevent it in the future.
There were other things, but those were the most important. I'm sure you have you own to add. Again - present them to her in writing so you don't forget anything. Answer questions about what you ahve written only - do not discuss it. Tell her that she needs to think seriously and then respond, perferrably in writing so you can be sure he has throughly thought it out.
Just my 2 cents worth to START to make peace - not even a guarantee of reconciling. That can't happen unitl you see the actions to match the words!
To add to the above, there was no such thing as an opposite sex friend unless I was with her. Even in crowd of people with her talking alone with him!
I'd also suggest both of you go into MC and her to an IC. If you having a lot of issues controlling yourself, you may want to see your doctor for anti depressants and an anti anxiety. Go look at strugglingman thread for ways to control triggers and PTSD. You need to stop the arguing because it is doing more damage than good and causing her to with draw. I would suggest going to the beyondaffairs.com website that is structured for LS (loyal SPouses). Look for the seminars tab click it and the click the teleseminars tab. There are tons of taped seminars that BOTH of you can listen to. The first one you should listen to is how to get your husband to talk. While it directed at LS women, the principals are the same for your wife if you truly want to work though this. Listen to a LOT of them. They will help both of you. I'd also suggest the book Not Just Friends - it will give you both insight. Your wife will be very resistant to sorting through this. She will just want it to all go away and that won't work. You need to draw her out. I'm sure others will fill in a lot more. The goal is to create an environment where the two of can sort through it - not bury it. BOTH of you need to heal. Both of you need to find out what created her vulnerability to the A. You will have some things that need to change to elkiminate that vulnerability and make the marriage rock solid so it is resistant to it this happening again. FIRST STOP ARGUING. She has her feelings and you need to understand and respect them. Same for her. Good luck and keep us updated.
1st other guy is scum---BUT---you do not need to end up in jail, if you physically go after him---I dunno if you have kids, but if so---they will not benefit from you being in jail---or sued civilly---so just forget he exits
Your beef is with your wife---she is your partner, and basically by her actions she said you are nothing more than a POS---to her---otherwise this would not have happened
Where are you now with all of this---have you imposed boundaries, with dealbreaker consequences, that you will take action on---not just words, but action
What is she doing---SHE MUST DO ALL THE HEAVY LIFTING TO GET BACK INTO THE MGE, not you---she needs to be accountable---for right now her legacy to you---is agony, heartbreak, distrust, and hurt
Your battle is now with your own sub-conscious---which whenever you are alone, thrusts into your mind, visions, of her with him inside her, with her rushing to him----that is what you are fighting, your own sub-c., and it will be a long hard battle---no matter what she does---but know this, she is the trigger, and as long as you stay with her, she will trigger you,
What do you want from all of this---If you can live with her, and fight thru the misery, then try for an R---If you cannot---then get your D., and start a new life---free of the mistrust, free of being a parole officer, and free of always looking over your shoulder---but if you do stay---I think it would be wise if you made her sign a POST--NUP AGREEMENT, with a duress clause.
So now you got the TT from her about it. Just once? They ALWAYS LIE and MINIMIZE. Thats what TT is. She banged him quite a few times, bank on that. If your mutual friends are pressuring you to leave her, than they are probably aware of more things she has done that you don't know of yet. This probably isn't the first time she has screwed some other man. There are probably others that you don't know about.
You need full disclosure from her and for her to become transparent.
I would suggest you go to website called beyondaffairs.com Click on the seminars tab and then the teleseminars tab and browse the list and listen to as many as you can. Lot's of really good healing information there and also suggestions for working with your WS. As can be expected, the push their services a lot but there is a a lot great info there. I listen to them in my car using my iphone connected to the car. There are also BAN network meetings shown on the home page for a lot of cities that are free and the teleseminars are free to attend if you register. Please check them out and let us know what think.
I know you requested that a man write but I wanted to say that the feelings you experience are much like women's responses to this exact same thing. Your situation sounds similar to mine, which is why I am replying.
Honestly, if she wants to work on the relationship then you can work on it. But if she isn't interested in stopping contact with this guy or doesn't show that she is truly sorry for what she has done, it may be inevitably over.
I know this is not your fault and that you feel helpless. But some people get so wrapped up in themselves that they don't see how their actions hurt others. This sounds like her and sometimes an ultimatum is the only way to make her make a change.