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I just found out :(

7K views 36 replies 12 participants last post by  2broken4words 
#1 ·
I apologize in advance if this gets lengthy. I just discovered this board and while I am happy to have found it, I am very sad that I had to look for it.

I confirmed suspicions today that husband cheated. He claims it was one time only. Today seems like a bad dream, with part of it playing out like a scene from Fatal Attraction. The other woman put a note on my car to tell me what was going on. I am acquainted with her so I went to her house. He was there. What was I thinking? Fast forward, she told me the reason she did it was because she tried to be friends with me and I didn't want to be friends with her. Gee, ya think?

My first reaction was to change the locks and send him packing, but I do not want to act hastily. We've been together almost 15 years, married for 8 (no kids). Both in our mid-40s, only marriage for each. Although I hate him right now, I do love him. He keeps telling me I should throw him out on the street. It's tempting. If he keeps saying it, I may acquiesce. I cannot look at him right now.

Oh, and by the way, he has a porn addiction. I have put filters on our network to block much of it, but the internet is laden with the stuff, so it's impossible to block it all.

I needed to talk to someone, so spoke to my mother, who is a veteran of two divorces, and finally it looks like marriage #3 (22 years) is a keeper. Of course, she supports whatever I want to do, and one thing I asked is that she NOT tell my father (though divorced 35 years, they still remain amicable). I told my husband that I had told her but was not going to tell my father, and he said that he would. I came completely unglued and told him it would kill my father; I will always be his little girl. Unburdening on him would only make things harder. My step-mother would never speak to him again. Guaranteed. In case we work this out, there's no need for them to know yet.

I believe we need marriage counseling (have probably needed it for a while.) On top of this, I believe he needs help for possible bipolar/ADHD. He has agreed to go to counseling with the understanding that he must follow the counselor's advice.

If I could have found an emergency counselor today, we would have been there.

Glad I started blood pressure meds a couple of weeks ago.

Words cannot describe what I am feeling. Betrayal, heartbreak, shock, anger, disgust, sorrow, disbelief, fear, more? More than anything, I feel broken.

Thanks for reading. It helps just to put this in words.
 
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#2 ·
My H told me that it was a one time thing also, and the OW kept coming back, and trying to cause problems between us. Usually when that happens there is a fairly long term relationship involved, and that proved to be the case with my H's A. His one time thing was actually an 8 month A. I hope that is not the case with your situation but be prepared in case it is. MC is a good start and it will likely help you both sort out your feeling about what has happened to your relationship. It's a long hard road to recovery and he will have to tell you the truth and help you heal as much as he can. Good luck to you, Hugs.
 
#4 ·
It sounds like he wants you to be the bad guy. Telling you to throw him out, wanting to tell your dad and stepmom so there's no turning back. Even the way you found out is suspect. Its like he did bad, and your considering forgiveness and he's putting a stop to it. Has he asked for forgiveness? Is he asking you to stay? What does he say?
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#5 ·
@827Aug: He does seem remorseful, but won't say much. He tells me whatever he says doesn't matter since I won't believe him anyway (true to a degree). But, again, with the poor, poor pitiful me garbage.

You hit it spot on Golfergirl -- he wants me to be the bad guy.

As for the OW and whether it was long term or one time, I am wondering if it matters and am trying to come to grips with that right now.

I have changed the locks on the house and have told my mom and best friend who the OW is. He's known for losing his keys and I'd hate to think she helped herself to them and made a copy. She does frighten me, especially after telling me that she had "tried to be friends" with me when we first met. As if she's punishing me because I didn't want to be her friend.

No point in him asking me to stay since it's my house -- I'm not going anywhere. I will have to think long and hard about him trying to put a stop to my forgiveness. I had not thought of that angle.
 
#7 ·
2 Broken,
I cannot tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I imagine you would welcome being hit by a truck over the pain you are experiencing now (and sometimes you want the person in front of the truck to be your husband). It is quite possible that things will get worse (though not much) before things will get better. You think you are hurting now, but as you find out more information you will hurt even more. I would suggest to take it one day at a time.

I remember a woman I was working with who found out about the affair her husband was having the morning before our counseling session. She was an utter wreck! I saw her a few days later, and she was worse than before (because she had discovered more details about the affair). I started fearing that she would take her life as a means of ending the emotional turmoil she was experiencing. After two days of intense turmoil, she started calming down. She continued to find out more information about the affair, but she got to the point where she accepted the fact that her husband was cheating. In a matter of days, she got to the point where she didn't like the emotions she was experiencing, but did not feel like they were controlling her.

I know every situation is different, but I know that it is possible to overcome the effects of an affair. Good luck!
 
#10 ·
That's great insight Brian, thank you for sharing. Especially for the part about it being possible to overcome the effects of an affair. Maybe it's too soon, but right now, I do not want my marriage to be over.

We will be going to counseling asap, and he will also be going for STD tests.

Do you think a counselor can recommend someone to evaluate him for bipolar or do we need to find that doctor on our own?
 
#13 ·
I just told him I want to be in the room when he calls her to tell her it's over. At first he said no, but I insisted and told him it's a dealbreaker.

I'm afraid that if he doesn't tell her, she'll be over here knocking on our door, or worse. I've already blocked her phone number and he's getting a new cell.
 
#17 ·
That woman sounds a bit nuts.
I would apply for a restraining order.
Do you still have the note?
If you can get your H to also send her a letter or email of no contact that can be used too as supporting paperwork, along with a signed affidavit on the application form of what she said to you about why she did this (and of course, she did not do it on her own, but obviously your H has some serious issues what with being so pliable).

Ugh.
Sorry you have to deal with this.
BTDT.
 
#18 ·
Make sure the new phone number is blocked as in doesn't display on caller id.
 
#19 · (Edited)
I just told him I want to be in the room when he calls her to tell her it's over. At first he said no, but I insisted and told him it's a dealbreaker.
Your wasting your time having the call. He will tell her afterwards he did this to appease you.

The following are the steps.

He hand writes a no contact letter that you approve and post recorded mail. example inserted below

He changes all his phone numbers and mail addresses

He gives you full transparency of all passwords, movements , moneys spent etc.

Dear [put name here],

The relationship I had with you was thoughtless and cruel. It hurt many people, particularly my spouse, who did not deserve to be treated that way. I am committed to my marriage and determined to make up for all the hurt I've caused my family. I am going to work hard to be the best husband/wife that he/she deserves.


Because of the terrible offense to my spouse and the damage I have done to our marriage, I am permanently ending all contact with you. Please respect my wish to regain my integrity, and to heal my family. Please also respect my wish that you not attempt to contact me in any way at any time.

My spouse has all the details of our relationship and he/she will also be told of any attempts at contact.

Sincerely,

[name here]
If after this she contacts your husband you lay a harassment charge against her.

Additional links that may help you
Affair Care: An Example of a Consequences/No Contact Letter

and


Articles
 
#20 ·
Side note on the blocked phone number, if he ever texts her, she will have the number. Blocking only works for calls.
 
#21 · (Edited)
Texting is already blocked. We went through his cell acct and had him identify all the calls. I entered her work, home, and fax on block list. He uses cell for work so cannot block new number.

I have always had all of his email passwords; they don't need technology as she lives a mere mile away. I read on another post about a VAR but have not been able to decipher the acronym.

He suggested getting a phone that allows me to track his whereabouts with GPS.

Have been researching local law; will try for injunction of harrassment against OW.

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#22 ·
A VAR is a voice activated recorder.
A restraining order is if you can produce evidence of her threatening you , a harrasment order is if she continues to contact you or your husband after being explicitly asked not to, hence the hand written note sent recorded mail, you can send it via email in parallel to ensure she has multiple copies.
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#24 ·
Registered return receipt requested is the correct term for the post office. That way she has to sign for it and have proof she got it. After that it's easy to get harassment order. You can block her number for both texts and calls with att. Any iphone will allow you to use find my iphone to see his location. You can also read deleted texts after each time it's synced with your computer. Google read deleted texts iphone textpad
 
#26 ·
If your husband is threating to tell your father, my question is why does he feel the need. There is something up with that. He is saying you should kick him out? If he feels that way, he should leave on his own. Its almost like he is putting the pressure on you like its your fault. If he feels that guilty he should take responsibility and leave. As far as counseling, he should go for Bi-polar; there is medication for that also. ADHD has medicaiton not necessarily counseling. The porn addiction should definately be counseled. I wish you the best.
 
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#36 ·
If it means anything at all,

I can fully understand his statement that he has no emotional attachment to her. For me, it was just extra sex and the thrill of the chase to some extent. That's how I always handled it.

This is not meant to upset you, just to explain from my perspective That I have been where he is and had no emotional attachment to the OW.

I wish you both the best.

FMW
Thank you findingmyway. This actually helps a lot as that's what he keeps saying. I may find in a few days/weeks/months that it has been foolish of me to want to work this out, but for now, I want to try.
 
#28 ·
Have your husband write the mail today and you post it tomorrow thereafter send a mail as a follow up use the same email address she is mailing you on. If she responds in any way lay a charge be proactive and hire an hour or so of a lawyers time to draft the official complaint, doing this is being proactive and is in readiness for her continued possibly malicious contact.
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#32 ·
Broken, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's pretty new for me, too, & it effing sucks. I suggest you read, read, & then read some more. Marriage Builders is a very good site w/tons of info. I wish I would have started researching infidelity & everything that comes w/it when I first found out my H had a "friend" he was talking to. I would have handled things a lot differently. @ the very least, I would have been able to deal w/the emotional roller coaster a little better, rather than feeling like I was just along for the ride- w/out a seat belt & hanging on for dear life. My H moved out a little over a month ago. He stays w/the OW a lot but still insists she has nothing to do w/him no longer wanting to be w/me (yeah right).

I have read that when your DS breaks off the A, it should be done via email, letter, etc. It shouldn't be in person or over the phone. The BS should read & approve it before it's sent.

Good luck & lots of light to you.
 
#35 ·
She just came by the house. I happened to go out to the garage and when I opened the door, I saw her pulling up to our driveway. I called inside to my husband and she got out of her car carrying a tennis racquet (his). She dropped it in the bed of his truck. He told her it was over and to get out of here.

He's writing the letter right now. I will send in the morning.

She is very, very scary.
 
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