Wife fell in love with another man...
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - Online Counseling - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Coping with Infidelity » Wife fell in love with another man...

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 10-22-2008, 08:45 PM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Oregin
Posts: 76
Default Wife fell in love with another man...

We married in June of 2002 and have two boys ages six and three. I work a normal Monday through Friday office job from seven to three (I have a great boss). She stays home and has recently started modeling for fun and extra cash.

August of this year my wife (we'll call her Lynn) found a landscape photographer (we'll call him Wayne) getting in to shooting models. Figured they'd combine model photography with outdoors by hiking to some local falls. Trips would start mid-morning and end with her home somewhere between 11:00 PM between 4:00 AM. Not being a jealous person and trusting my wife implicitly I suspected nothing.

Eventually comments he made related by her were not sounding right. Very hard to explain other than just a gut feeling. He bought her a very sexy dress and high heels for a shoot as well as another very expensive give as a friend. During this my response was jokingly saying he has the hots for her. At the time I didn't think much of it really but thinking back my lack of jealousy and trust may have blinded me.

Last Saturday of September they had one of the very long and late days. Early evening of Sunday I started a conversation about us where she admitted that her and Wayne had expressed their mutual feelings for each other the night prior. When I asked her if he loved her she said she didn't think so. She had suspected his feelings before that night and she admits there were feelings on her side before then as well. Neither was looking for this it just happened and both figured they would go away.

When finishing the evening he leaned in to kiss her and she allowed it to happen. No physical intimacy before or after that kiss ever happened. Since that Saturday night it has been made very clear to both Wayne and I that she was not leaving me. If she were to leave me it would to be on her own to figure things out.

Sex for me is much more than physical and something I felt I needed to have with my wife to help me feel like things were OK. Monday or Tuesday I asked to make love to her which she agreed to. It felt off while doing it and I didn't feel I was being told everything about what was between her and Wayne.

After all this I couldn't take not knowing so I was able to get in to her email the next morning and found a chat log between herself and Wayne. I know this was terribly wrong and I confessed to it the same day. In this log she told him how much she loves him. Lynn proceeded to tell him that I wanted to have sex and she had no good reason to say no. During the entire time she thought him and just wanted it to be over. Another killer statement was her telling him about how much fun he'd have spending time with my kids. All of this of course felt like I'd been socked in the gut.

He is married but unhappily for years. It has actually been over for some time but never made official till he met my wife. At the same time he has never consciously pushed for her to leave me for him. I feel he has to some degree pushed for choosing him just by what he says and his actions. Logged in to her email one more time and read an email from him that pissed me off. Felt terrible again and told her it would never happen again. Was only able to get in because I guessed her password. She has since changed her password and I've made no attempts to get back in.

When they first met I was very happy they clicked because beyond me and one other person she really has no friends. This guy has the potential to be a great friend. Since we've been together I've wanted friends for her outside our relationship. I'd like to be OK with her and Wayne hanging out but I'm not sure I'll ever get there. Trying to be an adult with this I've only forbidden them meeting in person; if they cut all communication that is her call. Not OK with them talking at all but didn't want to be “that guy”. She says I have a right to ask for that but didn't feel like it is very mature. With that said it drives me crazy they IM, email, or talk on the phone. I hurts that she has chosen to continue communications with him. She says their talks are 100% platonic but that hasn't proven to always be and it has been nearly four weeks. Her part I believe has for the most part other than what she calls harmless comments I call inappropriate. Can't confirm but I'd almost bet money he says I miss you, I'm thinking of you and the like. Don't think he has gone as far as say he loves her but can't know for sure. She says she kicks him in the chops when comments like that come up but again with all this being so recent still trying to gain trust I guess.

The week after all this I started researching “affair” and read the Wikipedia articles on it as well as “emotional affair”. With everything that has happened neither really fit this but I think on some level and feel like I was cheated on. What really hurt is the thought that she could hurt me. This is the person I've chosen to share my entire life with. The one person I thought could never hurt me and I would know 100%.

I'm a firm believer that it takes two to mess things up like this and take full responsibility for what I've messed up in the past. Life got busy and I let it get in the way of the little things I should have been doing. At the same time I was still expecting sex and this made her feel like I just wanted her for sex. Couldn't have been farther from the truth but I understand now how she felt like that. Didn't fully appreciate her and the family I had either which I'm remedying now.

Again from the beginning she said she was not leaving me and thinks there is something here to salvage. The changes I've been more than happy to make as they should have been from the beginning she feels is a good start and she says she sees it going very well in the future. Right now I'm pouring everything I can come up with in to this and have to wait for her to mourn for her loss before we can be 100% partners. How long I can wait I'm not sure but I love her more than I can express and will just have to wait and see right?

Aside from pouring everything I've got it really sucks that they are still communicating. Any time I hear of a conversation or glance at her laptop while she's in email and I see his name as a sender or recipient I get this tightness in my chess and my mood goes gloom. She normally only talks to him while I'm at work or she is out so constantly anxious at work or when she is out in the evenings or weekends. I can distract myself at times but most the time am quite stir crazy. My boys are a helpful distraction though. None of my previous solo past times really help any more.

In case any one asks I've expressed all of the above with my love.

Am I crazy for wanting to be at a place where I can be OK with them hanging out? How do I get there? What am I really afraid of if I trust her? Any insight, articles, books, or words of encouragement would be appreciated.
__________________
-as you think, so shall you be
OrinTyie is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 10-22-2008, 08:56 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Oregin
Posts: 76
Default Re: Wife fell in love with another man...

One thing I know I'm afraid of is me being the one of pulling the plug on this relationship because I can't deal. Does she only want him in his life as a friend? Or is he an option "B" in the relationship department if things fail here? If it is the latter should they be communicating at any level? I feel like then she'd always have that option there just waiting to pounce I think.
__________________
-as you think, so shall you be
OrinTyie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-22-2008, 09:05 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Oregin
Posts: 76
Default Re: Wife fell in love with another man...

If he is no where near an option "B" how do I know? I'll stop posting and let others read.
__________________
-as you think, so shall you be
OrinTyie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-23-2008, 12:56 AM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,731
Default Re: Wife fell in love with another man...

I would have her stop all contact with her, it is very unprofessional for a model to have an affair with a photographer, but it was bad Karma when he was switching from Landscape to people...You should ahve had your wife gone with a professional modeling company.

But, you both should seek counseling.

I think he is just infatuated (sp?) with your wife. You know something new, something different, and vice versa with your wife to him.

When I first meet people I have a tendency to dive in and try to find out as much as possible. A big wave of emotion, sometimes makes things difficult.

If no physiacal affair has happened, maybe you can get to know this guy and their relationship can take more of a professional stance then an emotional connection.

I would get to know the guy, and I wiould make it clear to my wife that your her husband and if there is some issue and issue you need to talk about it.

maybe counseling would be helpful for you both, as well as the other couple.
GAsoccerman is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-23-2008, 02:03 AM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
draconis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: North East
Posts: 3,720
Default Re: Wife fell in love with another man...

From what you have said she has had an emotional affair. It has hurt your relationship. She should cut all contact with this guy. You both need counciling.

draconis
__________________
www.myspace.com/draconis1973
draconis is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-23-2008, 07:18 AM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Oregin
Posts: 76
Default Re: Wife fell in love with another man...

Thank you both for your replies. I feel like what you said GAsoccerman is the more mature thing to do. Can't get to know this guy right now in my current state though. Time/counseling is probably what is needed.

Severing all communications at least for right now and revisiting things after some time has passed is what I'd prefer. Is asking for that too much though? Is it the adult thing to do to say who my wife can and can't have as her friends?

I say I trust my wife right now but I'm beginning to doubt that I'm there 100% yet. Can't help but think they talk about their relationship in some way or the possibilities of one in the future. Maybe those talks are about a friend relationship or it is strictly platonic about day to day stuff and photography like she says it is. Just can't help to think there is more being said she just omits from me asking about their conversations to not hurt me. Even after telling her to tell me everything because I need to know the truth on everything I still feel like she is sparing me right now at times.
__________________
-as you think, so shall you be
OrinTyie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-23-2008, 07:52 AM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Oregin
Posts: 76
Default Re: Wife fell in love with another man...

I think I'm afraid of her resenting me for taking their friendship away. Is there a chance I could be over analyzing all this? Just can't imagine that they never talk about what their relationship is or could be. Seems like something natural to talk about in this situation.

As for the infatuation theory she actually brought that up as a possibility as well. At the same time she has chosen to stay with me and I can tell she loves me. Do I just get over the fact they are talking and I'm not going to be privy to their conversations? I so want to tap her calls and read her emails but that is so wrong to do.
__________________
-as you think, so shall you be
OrinTyie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-23-2008, 09:20 AM   #8 (permalink)
Moderator
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Near Chicago
Posts: 3,313
Default Re: Wife fell in love with another man...

Quote:
Originally Posted by OrinTyie View Post
Not OK with them talking at all but didn't want to be “that guy”. She says I have a right to ask for that but didn't feel like it is very mature.
Didn't feel like it is very mature? What?! I'm sorry, this really annoyed the %^&$ out of me to read. Her idea of a 'mature' marriage seems to include:
  • inability to resist temptation
  • kissing another man
  • talking about your husband in a negative light
  • disregarding your husband's feelings by continuing the friendship
  • making no attempt to regain your husband's trust by fully plugging back into the marriage

Bottom line, she seems to have resolved within herself that 'whew, that was a close call but I held back so everything's fine" while you are left feeling "my wife went outside of our marriage and developed feelings for another man...and is continuing this friendship and saying who knows what to him"

My honest opinion is that every email, text and phone call to him will put a little more distance between the two of you. I agree that it is immature to not expect her to have any friends of the opposite sex, but when they crossed the line of friendship that is a deal breaker and if she truly wants to stay married, she should want to regain your trust and make you feel like the most important person in her life. If dropping this friendship would be a huge step in that regard, why isn't she doing it?
swedish is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-23-2008, 09:32 AM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Oregin
Posts: 76
Default Re: Wife fell in love with another man...

Quote:
Originally Posted by swedish View Post
If dropping this friendship would be a huge step in that regard, why isn't she doing it?
I agree, she said she would if I told her too but I feel she needs to make that decision. That to me would be a great gesture on her part towards healing I think. I've made it clear I'd prefer they don't communicate but never said like I just did. Will for sure do so.

Thank you swedish.
__________________
-as you think, so shall you be
OrinTyie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-23-2008, 09:54 AM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Oregin
Posts: 76
Default Re: Wife fell in love with another man...

Quote:
Originally Posted by swedish View Post
  • making no attempt to regain your husband's trust by fully plugging back into the marriage
Should she be expected to fully plug back in right away. Fact is they fell in love so they think with out looking for it. Those feelings were there and need time to go away right? How can I have an expectation for to be fully back in to this when I made some mistakes before all this too?
__________________
-as you think, so shall you be
OrinTyie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-23-2008, 10:16 AM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
draconis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: North East
Posts: 3,720
Default Re: Wife fell in love with another man...

Quote:
Originally Posted by OrinTyie View Post
Thank you both for your replies. I feel like what you said GAsoccerman is the more mature thing to do. Can't get to know this guy right now in my current state though. Time/counseling is probably what is needed.

Severing all communications at least for right now and revisiting things after some time has passed is what I'd prefer. Is asking for that too much though? Is it the adult thing to do to say who my wife can and can't have as her friends?

I say I trust my wife right now but I'm beginning to doubt that I'm there 100% yet. Can't help but think they talk about their relationship in some way or the possibilities of one in the future. Maybe those talks are about a friend relationship or it is strictly platonic about day to day stuff and photography like she says it is. Just can't help to think there is more being said she just omits from me asking about their conversations to not hurt me. Even after telling her to tell me everything because I need to know the truth on everything I still feel like she is sparing me right now at times.
There is a matter of the emotional affair, and the matter of respect. As long as she can and does continue the emotional affair it will steal vital strength from your relationship. It isn't like you are picking her friends. She made a bad choice that hurt the marriage and her family for selfish reasons. If she invested that time stolen away you would not have the issues now.

Second what kind of respect does it show you? She is living with you because you let her live a comfortable life, yet she isn't a wife to you she is his girlfriend. You are there incase she can not get him to leave his wife. A back up and safety net. Will she be yours if the other relationship fails? Or will she wait for something else to come along.

draconis
__________________
www.myspace.com/draconis1973
draconis is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-23-2008, 10:21 AM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Oregin
Posts: 76
Default Re: Wife fell in love with another man...

He is leaving his wife because that has been bad and was ending any ways. I know she is not waiting for that marriage to end. When they finalize their split she will be with me. I understand what your saying and I'd be lieing if I didn't sometimes think that. I truly feel her love for me but she has things to get over I think. It is going to take time to heal for both of us I think.
__________________
-as you think, so shall you be
OrinTyie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-23-2008, 11:21 AM   #13 (permalink)
Moderator
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Near Chicago
Posts: 3,313
Default Re: Wife fell in love with another man...

Quote:
Originally Posted by OrinTyie View Post
Should she be expected to fully plug back in right away. Fact is they fell in love so they think with out looking for it. Those feelings were there and need time to go away right? How can I have an expectation for to be fully back in to this when I made some mistakes before all this too?
My husband had an emotional affair last year with a woman from his work. At that time, he believed he had fallen in love with her. I found out about it after the friendship for a few months (where I believe feelings developed) went to a few weeks of going to lunch together and kissing.

Once we talked and both decided we wanted to commit to our marriage, I didn't expect him to turn off his feelings for her like a switch, but I did tell him he needed to end all contact as friends. I basically said it cannot come from me...if you want us to have a shot, she cannot be in the picture at all or I just can't do it.

The more we talked and reconnected, the more he began to feel that his feelings for her were more infatuation and filling the void that existed within our marriage (feeling attractive, appreciated, loved) and once he began getting that from me he actually started to resent her somewhat, feeling that she had manipulated him in some ways to push us apart.

I don't think until that point, she really backed off because I'm sure she thought everything he said was through me since it contradicted what he said just days before but over time she did back off (they still work together).

By plugged in, I don't mean that she should instantly feel emotionally connected, etc. but that she should be focused 100% on working on your marriage and the issues you both were having. You may have been ignoring her needs for some time, but she now has added breaking your trust to the list and from her end she should be working to rebuild that trust and not using your shortcomings as an excuse. If she fully intends to stay married, you can both work to make it a stronger marriage than it ever was before or she can expect you to prove yourself over time while she ignores your feelings and eventually you will tire of the whole thing.
swedish is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-23-2008, 11:37 AM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Oregin
Posts: 76
Default Re: Wife fell in love with another man...

Quote:
Originally Posted by swedish View Post
  • inability to resist temptation
  • kissing another man
  • talking about your husband in a negative light
  • disregarding your husband's feelings by continuing the friendship
  • making no attempt to regain your husband's trust by fully plugging back into the marriage
I can't agree with the first three on this list of yours. The first two did happen but not sure where you got the third one from. The last two I agree with to some extent.
__________________
-as you think, so shall you be
OrinTyie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-23-2008, 12:32 PM   #15 (permalink)
Moderator
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Near Chicago
Posts: 3,313
Default Re: Wife fell in love with another man...

Quote:
Originally Posted by OrinTyie View Post
In this log she told him how much she loves him. Lynn proceeded to tell him that I wanted to have sex and she had no good reason to say no. During the entire time she thought him and just wanted it to be over. Another killer statement was her telling him about how much fun he'd have spending time with my kids.
This is where the 3rd one came from...my bad on the wording of that one...should have been along the lines of
'having inappropriate conversations' I guess all three are related to a lack of personal boundaries (or not being able to stick to them) If she would not say it with you sitting there, she shouldn't be saying it to him.
swedish is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Wife lost respect for me and fell out of love Seeking advice Going Through Divorce or Separation 13 07-25-2012 02:50 AM
I fell in love with someone else... MorganFitch83 Coping with Infidelity 28 07-08-2012 10:38 AM
Wife "Fell Outta Love" Serge Going Through Divorce or Separation 11 12-22-2011 10:09 AM
My wife fell out of love and wants a divorce schumi Going Through Divorce or Separation 6 07-12-2010 12:21 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads





Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:11 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage