Should she be expected to fully plug back in right away. Fact is they fell in love so they think with out looking for it. Those feelings were there and need time to go away right? How can I have an expectation for to be fully back in to this when I made some mistakes before all this too?
My husband had an emotional affair last year with a woman from his work. At that time, he believed he had fallen in love with her. I found out about it after the friendship for a few months (where I believe feelings developed) went to a few weeks of going to lunch together and kissing.
Once we talked and both decided we wanted to commit to our marriage, I didn't expect him to turn off his feelings for her like a switch, but I did tell him he needed to end all contact as friends. I basically said it cannot come from me...if you want us to have a shot, she cannot be in the picture at all or I just can't do it.
The more we talked and reconnected, the more he began to feel that his feelings for her were more infatuation and filling the void that existed within our marriage (feeling attractive, appreciated, loved) and once he began getting that from me he actually started to resent her somewhat, feeling that she had manipulated him in some ways to push us apart.
I don't think until that point, she really backed off because I'm sure she thought everything he said was through me since it contradicted what he said just days before but over time she did back off (they still work together).
By plugged in, I don't mean that she should instantly feel emotionally connected, etc. but that she should be focused 100% on working on your marriage and the issues you both were having. You may have been ignoring her needs for some time, but she now has added breaking your trust to the list and from her end she should be working to rebuild that trust and not using your shortcomings as an excuse. If she fully intends to stay married, you can both work to make it a stronger marriage than it ever was before or she can expect you to prove yourself over time while she ignores your feelings and eventually you will tire of the whole thing.