Oh and definitely reveal to OM's wife and establish communication so the two of can monitor together and keep each other informed OMW should do all the same things I suggested to you. Posted via Mobile Device
The gun analogy is not applicable here. These are adults. Adults make conscious choices. If you want to use the gun analogy you have to put the gun in the hand of an adult, not a child. And when you do that, the analogy sounds really silly, doesn't it?
Nope. The analogy is appropriate because of the risk. A child playing with a gun is risky. A married woman carousing in a dance club is risky. Get it?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gabriel
Maybe we are different ages, but if your wives only go to each other's houses and coffee shops, you have a grandma life over there. Girls like to have fun.
I'm in my thirties. So, I'm old enough to act responsibly. Marriage is a responsibility. Girls like to have fun. But married girls have a responsibility to their husbands to honor and respect them. Putting oneself in a situation that is conducive to adultery is not respectful of one's husband.
And the standard applies to men as well. Men like to chase women. But after the wedding, that behavior should stop. Not chasing women isn't really a grandpa life. It's married life.
Whatever you decide---if it is to stay---there must be accountability, and consequences
You MUST take away ANYTHING that puts your mge., at risk, and her in harms way
That means---all social websites get shut down----there is no need to send messages back and forth that can turn into problems----
If she wants to be with her GF's it is in the daytime, to lunch--a movie, a sporting event, a museum---NO BARS, or clubs---Alcohol, dancing put her in harms way
Actually from now on ALL her socializing is to be done with you and you alone----if her GF's put 2 and 2 together, cuz of her boundaries---so be it
Married women DO NOT COME HOME AT 4 a m under any circumstances
It doesn't matter what it was kiss or not---the dealbreaker, was that she she wantonly planned, and met another man---saying to herself---who cares about my H., and kids----I am gonna see this guy, whether my family likes it or not-----for that alone---there must be consequences, and accountability.
Nope. The analogy is appropriate because of the risk. A child playing with a gun is risky. A married woman carousing in a dance club is risky. Get it?
I'm in my thirties. So, I'm old enough to act responsibly. Marriage is a responsibility. Girls like to have fun. But married girls have a responsibility to their husbands to honor and respect them. Putting oneself in a situation that is conducive to adultery is not respectful of one's husband.
And the standard applies to men as well. Men like to chase women. But after the wedding, that behavior should stop. Not chasing women isn't really a grandpa life. It's married life.
All behavior can be risky, Lump, so what's your point? A child cannot make a mature decision but an adult can and presumably does, so your analogy is ridiculous. Statistically you are more likely to be exposed to adulterers in church, Sunday morning, than you are at a club on Friday night. So to prevent her from being around cheaters, would you not want her to go to church? GNO's are no different than guys going to a ballgame or fishing trip, or girls having a "hen party", it's not the setting , it's what's in the woman's mind. Most women go out, drink a few, and have some laughs. If she is kissing another man, she could just as easily do it in her or his car, or anywhere else. The problem that the OP has isn't with the GNO's, it's with his woman's honesty.
I aggree Dow, it is the persons moral compass that matters,but why pure gas on a fire? I really believe it is *also* the enviorment that is.....shall i say not helpful to the resentment that *could* be generated by a spouse going to a bar/club with out ones spouse.
Yes my cheating wife could sleep with the pastor just as easy as sleeping with the bartentar, but I would think that the bartender has better game to suduce my drunk wife then the pastor. I think its law of propability.
In my opinion, I would have less resentment if the GNO was at a church function, during the day, rather then a disco all night.
Lets face it, if the shoe was on the other foot, I could go out all day with the guys and have less grief then if I went out all night!
All behavior can be risky, Lump, so what's your point?
The point is that some behavior is more risky than other behavior.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dowjones
A child cannot make a mature decision but an adult can and presumably does, so your analogy is ridiculous.
Wrong. Adults make mistakes. Adults who drink and surround themselves by other adults seeking casual sex make mistakes. That shouldn't be a hard concept to grasp.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dowjones
Statistically you are more likely to be exposed to adulterers in church, Sunday morning, than you are at a club on Friday night. So to prevent her from being around cheaters, would you not want her to go to church?
That's an interesting claim. What's your source?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dowjones
GNO's are no different than guys going to a ballgame or fishing trip, or girls having a "hen party", it's not the setting , it's what's in the woman's mind. Most women go out, drink a few, and have some laughs. If she is kissing another man, she could just as easily do it in her or his car, or anywhere else. The problem that the OP has isn't with the GNO's, it's with his woman's honesty.
Seriously? How many ballgames or fishing trips have you seen where women interested in casual sex frequently approach men? That's a ridiculous claim.
And yes, a wife could kiss a man in her car. Do you know many wives that drink and drive while playing sexy music and giving men seeking casual sex rides? That seems like a very unusual situation to me.
It seems like you have a misunderstanding of how cheating happens. Do you believe that all cheating happens because of pre-planned activity? Do you think that all cheating spouses wake up and say to themselves, "Today's the day! No matter where I am or who I am with, I will cheat on my spouse?" If so, I have to say that is a ludicrous belief.
The point is that some behavior is more risky than other behavior.
Wrong. Adults make mistakes. Adults who drink and surround themselves by other adults seeking casual sex make mistakes. That shouldn't be a hard concept to grasp.
That's an interesting claim. What's your source?
Seriously? How many ballgames or fishing trips have you seen where women interested in casual sex frequently approach men? That's a ridiculous claim.
And yes, a wife could kiss a man in her car. Do you know many wives that drink and drive while playing sexy music and giving men seeking casual sex rides? That seems like a very unusual situation to me.
It seems like you have a misunderstanding of how cheating happens. Do you believe that all cheating happens because of pre-planned activity? Do you think that all cheating spouses wake up and say to themselves, "Today's the day! No matter where I am or who I am with, I will cheat on my spouse?" If so, I have to say that is a ludicrous belief.
Dude, are you familiar, at all , with equal rights? What are you going to do? chain her to the house? Women go out on GNO's to drink and have a little fun, period. Most women, are not looking to kiss another man, and if they are, that is their problem, not the Bar's or the other women in the group, or the music, or the dancing. Cheating is the problem of the cheater, and if he/she is going to do it, they can and will do it anywhere. Your idea that drinking, music and other women caused the OP's woman to kiss the other guy is preposterous. This was indeed a pre-planned event. She just accidently slapped lips with an old bf? Bull****! Had that old bf not been there, she could have been to a thousand GNO's, and nothing would have happened. It clearly was not the GNO that caused her to cheat, it was the woman and her exbf that cheated. My wife has NEVER been on a GNO, yet she had an EA, while I have been "out with the guys ", many times and never done so.
If you have to regulate who your woman sees, where she goes or what she does, because you don't trust her, that is your business, but most of us don't want to live like that. The best advice I can give the OP is to find out why she kissed him, rather than blaming the other variables. Drinking, music, GNO's aren't to blame......she is.
Hey DJ---you are right as to this situation---it was a pre-planned meeting
You are somewhat off base---if you think GNO's in bars, clubs, and dancehalls are innocent
There are thousands, upon thousands, of illicit meetings, infidelities, and events of cheating that come out of these nights out---that are never reported
Take all the websites on the net, combined---and you get one-millionth of the actual occurances of infidelity---look at the Divorce figures---and believe me a great % of D., stems from infidelity!!!!
Bottom line is the married woman is with a strange man---IT MAKES NO DIFFERNECE what she does, whether it be flirt, and drink, or dance, or kiss and hug, or the start of illicit sex later in the evening---it all boils down to that woman is with a man who IS NOT her H.
Men when they go out---play cards, participate in sports, go to the races, participate in hobbies, they do things like that
Why can't women get together for the same things, no they gotta go get liquored up, and look for men---putting the mge., at risk, and themselves in harms way
I am sorry but a responsible wife needs to tell her GF's if they want her company, it is not to be at meatmarkets---at least that is what a responsible wife SHOULD DO---how many responsible wife's we have out there these days---WHO KNOWS??????
Dude, are you familiar, at all , with equal rights? What are you going to do? chain her to the house?
I have never said women don't have the right to cheat. They absolutely do.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dowjones
Women go out on GNO's to drink and have a little fun, period.
I agree. Drinking and dancing with men who are looking for casual sex is fun for women. I don't deny that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dowjones
Most women, are not looking to kiss another man, and if they are, that is their problem, not the Bar's or the other women in the group, or the music, or the dancing.
I agree that most women aren't looking to cheat. I'll even say that a fair percentage of the women who do end up cheating don't go out looking to cheat. And I have never said that the bar, or their friends, or anybody else has a problem with the activity. It's mainly the husbands that have the problem.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dowjones
Cheating is the problem of the cheater, and if he/she is going to do it, they can and will do it anywhere. Your idea that drinking, music and other women caused the OP's woman to kiss the other guy is preposterous.
What is preposterous is your contention that cheating is more likely to happen in church than at a club. For your own education, you should do a little research into how environment affects behavior. It's a very interesting field. You can learn how casinos use certain colors and sounds to induce people to stay longer and gamble more.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dowjones
This was indeed a pre-planned event. She just accidently slapped lips with an old bf? Bull****! Had that old bf not been there, she could have been to a thousand GNO's, and nothing would have happened. It clearly was not the GNO that caused her to cheat, it was the woman and her exbf that cheated. My wife has NEVER been on a GNO, yet she had an EA, while I have been "out with the guys ", many times and never done so.
You are correct that this was a pre-planned event. But, I have to wonder why the OP's wife arranged to meet the other man at GNO? Why not hook up at church, where cheating is much more prevalent?
As for going on a thousand GNOs, I guess we'll never know. I guess someone could play Russian roulette a thousand times and never lose. But it wouldn't be me or my wife. It's just too risky.
And I've already addressed going out with the guys. Playing golf with other men is not the same as dancing with women who are looking for casual sex. How can you think it is?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dowjones
If you have to regulate who your woman sees, where she goes or what she does, because you don't trust her, that is your business, but most of us don't want to live like that. The best advice I can give the OP is to find out why she kissed him, rather than blaming the other variables. Drinking, music, GNO's aren't to blame......she is.
As I said before in this thread, I trust that my wife is fallible. If you wish to believe that yours is not, I think you're being foolish.
Again, environment influences behavior. You shouldn't take an alcoholic to a bar and then insist that he would have had a drink if you had taken him to an AA meeting instead. It amazes me that you're even trying to argue the point.
I have never said women don't have the right to cheat. They absolutely do.
I agree. Drinking and dancing with men who are looking for casual sex is fun for women. I don't deny that.
I agree that most women aren't looking to cheat. I'll even say that a fair percentage of the women who do end up cheating don't go out looking to cheat. And I have never said that the bar, or their friends, or anybody else has a problem with the activity. It's mainly the husbands that have the problem.
What is preposterous is your contention that cheating is more likely to happen in church than at a club. For your own education, you should do a little research into how environment affects behavior. It's a very interesting field. You can learn how casinos use certain colors and sounds to induce people to stay longer and gamble more.
You are correct that this was a pre-planned event. But, I have to wonder why the OP's wife arranged to meet the other man at GNO? Why not hook up at church, where cheating is much more prevalent?
As for going on a thousand GNOs, I guess we'll never know. I guess someone could play Russian roulette a thousand times and never lose. But it wouldn't be me or my wife. It's just too risky.
And I've already addressed going out with the guys. Playing golf with other men is not the same as dancing with women who are looking for casual sex. How can you think it is?
As I said before in this thread, I trust that my wife is fallible. If you wish to believe that yours is not, I think you're being foolish.
Again, environment influences behavior. You shouldn't take an alcoholic to a bar and then insist that he would have had a drink if you had taken him to an AA meeting instead. It amazes me that you're even trying to argue the point.
Dude, your analogies are full of it. We aren't talking about taking an alcoholic to a bar, a gambler to a casino, putting a gun into a child's hands, or any other of the off the wall scenerios you are using. We are talking about reasonably intelligent, mature women going out for drinks, that's it. My wife isn't infallible, but I don't imagine that just because she is in a bar, that she will somehow turn into an insatiable, lustfilled, cheater, like you seem to think happens. Apparently you don't believe in personal responsibility? This kiss was HER and the Bf's fault, nobody else's. Not the other ladies, not the bar, not the GNO phenomenon, not the drinks, Nothing else.
BTW, if you are going to use my words, use them in context. I NEVER said that cheating took place in Church. I said that cheaters were present in church. Big difference.
If a man knows what is up with GNOs ( meat market version ) and he is ok with, then great. But if he is not ok with his wife doing this he should not be berated for it. He has every right to not want his wife to be dating other men.
That said we all know some men like being cuckholded.
Anyway, I am glad it was not the GNO that caused this problem this time. It was a convenient excuse / cover which is part of why many of us think it is at least a symptom. But no matter, this was a pre-mediated event that had been brewing. Maybe we can chalk it up to Facebook.
But ultimatley this is indeed a case of a cheater owning thier behavior.
Sorry it happened dude. Hope you can get this stuff ironed out.
Dude, your analogies are full of it. We aren't talking about taking an alcoholic to a bar, a gambler to a casino, putting a gun into a child's hands, or any other of the off the wall scenerios you are using. We are talking about reasonably intelligent, mature women going out for drinks, that's it.
I think I see your problem now. You don't understand what analogies are. Analogies are using one or more features (like risk) of two things (like GNO and alcoholics in bars) to make a comparison. Insisting that all features be similar isn't an analogy. It's an anecdote.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dowjones
My wife isn't infallible, but I don't imagine that just because she is in a bar, that she will somehow turn into an insatiable, lustfilled, cheater, like you seem to think happens. Apparently you don't believe in personal responsibility? This kiss was HER and the Bf's fault, nobody else's. Not the other ladies, not the bar, not the GNO phenomenon, not the drinks, Nothing else.
I think I see your other problem now. You don't understand what risk is. Risk doesn't mean that every woman that walks into a bar turns into a cheater. It means that women are more likely to cheat in an environment that encourages casual sex than in an environment that doesn't.
And I do believe in personal responsibility. I believe that personal responsibility should influence all of a person's decisions, like where to go for GNO. I don't believe, as you seem to, that personal responsibility seems to magically happen when women behave irresponsibly by drinking and shaking their butts in the faces of men seeking casual sex.
I think I see your problem now. You don't understand what analogies are. Analogies are using one or more features (like risk) of two things (like GNO and alcoholics in bars) to make a comparison. Insisting that all features be similar isn't an analogy. It's an anecdote.
I think I see your other problem now. You don't understand what risk is. Risk doesn't mean that every woman that walks into a bar turns into a cheater. It means that women are more likely to cheat in an environment that encourages casual sex than in an environment that doesn't.
And I do believe in personal responsibility. I believe that personal responsibility should influence all of a person's decisions, like where to go for GNO. I don't believe, as you seem to, that personal responsibility seems to magically happen when women behave irresponsibly by drinking and shaking their butts in the faces of men seeking casual sex.
What a waste of a good read! All this arguing as to whether these analogies are spot on or not.... Geez.
She cheated, I don't think you have the truth. I agree with 8 years to investigate further so you can see what you're dealing with and not the trickle truths she's letting out. Posted via Mobile Device
I agree completely Golfer - these folks need to take this debate elsewhere. Let's focus on what this man needs and get off the philosophy soapbox for God's sake.
Re: Wife of 10 years kissed a stranger 
