Wife of 10 years kissed a stranger
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 06-21-2011, 09:50 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife of 10 years kissed (who I thought was) a stranger

The wife and mother of my 3 young children went out at the weekend with her girlfriends like normal as she sometimes does. The next morning she wasn't her normal self, but instead very quiet. I know my wife and I asked if there was anything wrong and did she need to tell my anything, to which said replied "no". Apparently she hadn't eaten much at their meal because she had a dodgy smomach. Last time my wife drank on an empty stomach she became an emotional mess and ruined our daughter's Christening party, to which she deeply regrets to this day.

Anyway, later that evening I asked i she was sure there was nothing wrong, and she confessed that she had kissed a stranger in the nightclub and blurted that she thinks she ruined our marriage. I was just in total shock as I've trusted her 100% I just replied "Oh...OK" and went into the other room and finished watching the movie I had been watching. (I was in total shock) That night my wife sept in the spare room and I hardly slept at all.

The next day shock turned to anger and I told her our marriage was over and I was leaving her for cheating on me. She apologised and admitted to being stupid, but when I asked why she did it she simply replied " he spun me a line and made me feel wanted". She apparently kissed this man behind the backs of her friends, probably using the excuse of having to use the toilet for the absence, but said she was with him for a while, however long that is.

I can only tell you that it's left me totally davastated. Kissing is said to be a romantic intimate thing, and knowing how intimately me wife kisses just tears me apart when I think of her kissing that stranger.

Do I forgive her? or do I leave her for cheating on me? With having 3 beautiful daughter together, live in a lovely mortgage free house with lots of nice things, we have so much together, but I feel I will not be able to trust her again, and if I forgive her she may do it again one day.

In many respects I blame myself because I'm not that touchy feely with her, she likes hugs and kisses) I don't exactly do intimate kissing unlss we're making passionate love, and our sex life is once every 6 weeks, 4 weeks if we're lucky. We've both put this to the children sappy our energy, as well as much job in which I work very long unsociable hours. Guys please help because I have no-one else to talk to because I feel to humilated to talk to my friends or family about this, and I am truly devastated.

Last edited by Rainshaker; 06-22-2011 at 01:22 AM. Reason: More information found
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Old 06-21-2011, 09:57 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife of 10 years kissed a stranger

Seriously? You're going to end a long marriage, with kids, over one drunken kiss, and no attempt to deal with the seemingly obvious issues that you've both contributed to?

My advice... Sit down and both if you start some open and honest communication about your marriage. The kiss is a symptom of the problems, although it's obviously causing it's own problems now. But get counselling if needed to get at the root problems.

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Old 06-21-2011, 10:01 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife of 10 years kissed a stranger

Leaving over a kiss. I think that is over the top.
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Old 06-21-2011, 10:03 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife of 10 years kissed a stranger

Do not leave your wife over this kiss. I understand how painful it is to think about that happening but your marriage is still very much save-able. She expresses regret and remorse. Go to MC. You both can work through this. Good luck, stay here with us. There are good people here who can help you and give you good advice.
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Old 06-21-2011, 10:14 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife of 10 years kissed a stranger

If your wife has a physical illness, will you care for her or walk out on her? She just had an emotional "illness", and she asked for help, (telling you the truth, showing sign of remorse, apologizing the action), and you are going to do .... what?

It might be a cliche but it still holds the truth: does your heart ever flutter when you see some alluring women and fantasize about the would be encounter?
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Old 06-21-2011, 10:15 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife of 10 years kissed a stranger

Yes. As hurt as you are, your being a little rash. I would take time to calm down before you make any decision. You need to think with a clear head, not an emotional one.

In the meantime, you need to realize you both have unmet needs in your marriage. It's up to you to fulfill hers, and her responsibility to fill yours.

Use this as a wakeup call and make your marriage stronger.
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Old 06-21-2011, 10:15 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife of 10 years kissed a stranger

Leaving over this is extreme (even though it's perfectly understandable why you said it). I, too, fully agree on the MC, but a new dynamic has been introduced in your M-can you get past it? I, myself, would seriously consider NOT letting her go for GNO's anymore, and I would always have it in the back of my mind that if a complete stranger "spun her a line...", what happens if someone she knows better (and who finds out that your M is hit a rocky patch), starts to "spin her lines"?
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Old 06-21-2011, 10:16 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife of 10 years kissed a stranger

i dont know, she sounds very remorseful about it but i would also be extremely pissed as you are. i think she needs to commit to you that she wont be going out and putting herself in that environment again. she also needs to completely reassure you that the kiss was all that happened. if your like me, i would be torn up about this and i could never be really sure.
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Old 06-21-2011, 10:17 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife of 10 years kissed a stranger

I assure you, you will be hurt, but it's not worth leaving the marriage for. Use it as an opportunity to open up communication and make the relationship stronger.
Best wishes
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Old 06-21-2011, 10:21 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife of 10 years kissed a stranger

Quote:
Originally Posted by PBear View Post
Seriously? You're going to end a long marriage, with kids, over one drunken kiss, and no attempt to deal with the seemingly obvious issues that you've both contributed to?
I agree completely.

Talk to your wife about waht is going on in her head and tell her what your concerns are too. Get counselling. Both of you together and individually. It's good she told you about it straight away. Very commendable.

It sounds like sex is really lacking in your marriage... start having sex!!!
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Old 06-21-2011, 10:47 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife of 10 years kissed a stranger

Don't leave her over that. I would tell her this though. "You are going to take a polygraph test, and based on the results I am scheduling a battery of tests for STDs and your coming with me". When I get to the doctors office I would boldly go up to the receptionist and tell her in a loud voice (the more people in the office the better) "We're here for our sexually transmitted disease test because my wife cheated on me". When she turns red and almost faints from shame, and asks you why you said it so loud and what must people think of her. Tell her "I'll wager that there were more people in the bar that night then are in this office now. It's funny that you feel shame over what I SAID when the real shame is what you DID. Its called consequences, deal with it."

I would also remove her from all bank accounts and credit cards. If you can't trust her with her tongue when shes out of sight, how can you trust her with your money. Make her earn your trust back. There has to be some discomfort for her actions.
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Old 06-21-2011, 12:28 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife of 10 years kissed a stranger

Interesting replies on this thread. I will say that my wife did more than kiss her OM....but I agree that a kiss is a very major thing. I think of a kiss as very intimate.

That being said I agree with the recomendations above that you need to work through this process as if it was a full blown PA. This is a super big warning sign that your relationship is in great danger.

Please talk to each other about your needs and feelings. You will find that you can both work hard on these things to keep each other happy.

Try to stay as level headed as you can. And look on the bright side.....she did tell you. That is a good thing.
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Old 06-21-2011, 12:59 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife of 10 years kissed a stranger

Except the doctors office thing. Don't do that.
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Old 06-21-2011, 01:19 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife of 10 years kissed a stranger

No, I do not think you should leave your wife. I believe this kiss can turn into a very positive thing if you let it. This should open up some long lost lines of communication between you and your wife. After discussing the kiss and getting through the hurt of it, you two can begin discussing what has been missing in your relationship, and how to fix it. Your discussions may lead to a much more intimate relationship, or they may repair broken lines of communication.
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Old 06-21-2011, 01:25 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife of 10 years kissed a stranger

There is a lot more here than the kiss--if that is all she did.

Binge drinker going out looking for trouble with her wingwomen, that's gotta stop.

Assess her budding alcoholism.

Look into what she is really doing. I would not be satisfied just yet that this "kiss" is an isolated incident. And her upset over it? A bit more than for a kiss, in my opinion.

Your reaction seems to be based on a gut check that the story was not fully aired.

I can see being fed up with someone like your wife.

Straw meets camel's back and breaks it.
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