Wife had an affair
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 06-24-2011, 01:01 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife had an affair

I have been married to my wife for 18 years, when we got married we were 19 and 18, we have two beautiful daughters, we have been through a lot of hard things. When my oldest daughter was 10 years old she got brain cancer. We went through a lot, but together we helped each other during those hard times. My wife has always been very distrustful. At the begining of the year she accused me of liking a coworker that is 18 years younger that me. That was not true, I have never cheated on my wife, We had horrible fights about it, I took a lie detector to show her that I wasn't cheating and I passed it. we also went to marriage therapy but it did not help. I found out months later that while all this was happening, my wife met a coworker and had an affair that lasted for over a two month and which is now over. she had this affair while we were going to marriage therapy, she told me that she had the affair because she though that our marriage was over, she was going to divorce me and this guy was going to help her with the divorce and that he wanted to marry her, at home she had all the necesary things for her and my daughter packed, she was ready to go, she broke off with him after I asked her that we should give ourselfs a second chance, that we could not erase 17 years of marriage and that we could not throw away all that we had achived together as a couple, she agreed. This is the first time that she cheated on me, she told me that they only kissed, huged and talk about their future together because she wanted to get divorced. Last night she implied that they had sex once, when I asked her if she did it she said not, she said that they were really close once when they were at his house but she stoped him, something inside of me makes me think otherwise. At that moment my hearth broke in two, I love her so much and I never thought that she could do this to me, I feel betrayed, I trussted her 100%. she sees this guy everyday when she goes to work, she told him that she wants to work in our marriage, but the guy doesn't give up, my wife avoids him, he then tries to act just like a friend but he can not stop his feeling for her and sometimes tries to convince her to come back with him because he wants to marry her. He makes her confuse, she treats him bad to see if he goes away but he always comes back. My wife told me that she likes him alot physically and emotionaly, she thinks that he is a grea guy, my wife thinks and talks about him alot. she changed alot in just a couple of months, she used to be kind of shy, dedicated wife and mother, now she is wild and all she cares is about looking good, provocative, having fun and going out, when she goes out is with me. What it hurts me the most is that sometimes when we are making love, she fantasizes that she is doing it with him, sometimes I can hear her calling his name. That hurts me deaply, she tells me that she is trying to get him out of her mind and that she is working on it. sometimes she tells me that he is a better man than me, because they get along just find. What should I do? she sees him every day at work, he is going to be out for a month. My wife tells me that he writes to her but that she has never answers to his e-mails, when she sees him she tells him to stop writing to her, to leave her alone. At this moment we can not afford for her to quit her job. I love her with all my strenght and I can feel that she loves me. I need some advice. Thanks

Last edited by AVAYA2011; 06-27-2011 at 10:01 AM.
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Old 06-24-2011, 01:15 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an affair

She leaves her job or you lose your marriage, when she leaves the marriage you won't have her money. There is nothing to think about. Next expose the affair to the other man's (OM) family and your wifes parents.

Decide now if you want this marriage, your fear will stop you taking action and will destroy your marriage.
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Old 06-24-2011, 01:16 PM   #3 (permalink)
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She sometimes tells you that he is a better man??? And she calls you his name during sex?

I think we all have a threshhold of pain that we can stand. Yours is higher than mine.
Sounds like she is not done abusing you yet.
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Old 06-24-2011, 01:19 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife had an affair

You say that you can't afford for her to quit her job. The better question is, can your marriage or your own sanity afford her keeping her job?

Bottom line, if she doesn't completely remove this guy from her life, he will always cause problems. Your wife is being very abusive to you with her words and her actions. She doesn't seem to have any remorse or see anything wrong with her actions and she definitely has zero respect for you. She is in what we like to call the "Fog". Until the fog lifts, there's nothing you can do but either put up with her actions or leave her.

Sorry that you're going through this.
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Old 06-24-2011, 02:05 PM   #5 (permalink)
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"What it hurts me the most is that sometimes when we are making love, she fantasizes that she is doing it with him, sometimes she calls me by his name." Dude... WTF are you still doing there. She's drifting, bro. Either you man-up and give an ultimatum to stop this nonsense, or you pack your thing and go. Act like a man for once.
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Old 06-24-2011, 02:30 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I know you are right, sometimes love makes you act so stupid that you can not see the kind of abuse that you are receiving. I have also been puting up with this situation because I have no family in this country that can give me support during this hard times, all I have is my wife and my two teens, so is really tough for me loosing the only family I got because I will be all alone. I also do it because of my kids and for the previous 17 years in which she's been an excellent wife. She is a very attractive woman and there have always been many good looking guys after her but she has always look the other way until now, she was my first and only girlfriend, I have never been with any other woman besides her, that is why is so hard for me, I have been receiving abuse for many months now, but you are right. The guy is going to be leaving today for a month, during this time I am going to try to get her back and I will tell her that she needs to find another job or our marrage is going to be over.
Thanks
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Old 06-24-2011, 02:34 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AVAYA2011 View Post
I have been married to my wife for 18 years, when we got married we were 19 and 18, we have two beautiful daughters, we have been through a lot of hard things. When my oldest daughter was 10 years old she got brain cancer. We went through a lot, but together we helped each other during those hard times. My wife has always been very distrustful. At the begining of the year she accused me of liking a coworker that is 18 years younger that me. That was not true, I have never cheated on my wife, We had horrible fights about it, I took a lie detector to show her that I wasn't cheating and I passed it. we also went to marriage therapy but it did not help. I found out months later that while all this was happening, my wife met a coworker and had an affair that lasted for over a month and which is now over. she had this affair while we were going to marriage therapy. this is the first time that she cheated on me, she told me that they only kissed, huged and talk about their future together because she wanted to get divorced. Last night she told me that they had sex once. At that moment my hearth broke in two, I love her so much and I never thought that she could do this to me, I feel betrayed, I trussted her 100%. she sees this guy everyday when she goes to work, she told him that she wants to work in our marriage, but the guy doesn't give up, he talks to her everyday trying to convince her to come back with him. He makes her confuse, she treats him bad to see if he goes away but he always comes back. My wife told me that she likes him alot and that she thinks that he is the greates guy in the world, she thinks and talks about him alot. she changed alot in just a couple of months, she used to be a shy dedicated wife and mother, now she is wild and all she cares is about looking good, provocative and having fun. What it hurts me the most is that sometimes when we are making love, she fantasizes that she is doing it with him, sometimes she calls me by his name. that hurts me deaply, she tells me that she is trying to get him out of her mind and that she is working on it. sometimes she tells me that he is a better man than me, because they get along just find. What should I do? she sees him every day at work, at this moment we can not afford for her to quit her job. I love her with all my strenght. I need some advice.
If you loved her you would stand up and be a man about it. She must quite her job. Today. Right now.

That said this would be a dealbreaker for me. I would be moving forward with divorce.
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Old 06-24-2011, 02:36 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by AVAYA2011 View Post
I know you are right, sometimes love makes you act so stupid that you can not see the kind of abuse that you are receiving. I have also been puting up with this situation because I have no family in this country that can give me support during this hard times, all I have is my wife and my two teens, so is really tough for me loosing the only family I got because I will be all alone. I also do it because of my kids and for the previous 17 years in which she's been an excellent wife. She is a very attractive woman and there have always been many good looking guys after her but she has always look the other way until now, she was my first and only girlfriend, I have never been with any other woman besides her, that is why is so hard for me, I have been receiving abuse for many months now, but you are right. The guy is going to be leaving today for a month, during this time I am going to try to get her back and I will tell her that she needs to find another job or our marrage is going to be over.
Thanks
Be aware that women do not find men attractive that they can walk all over. Hence her comment about the other guy being a better man. It sux for sure and hard to hear, but you are being a doormat. That is the last way to keep your wife.
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Old 06-24-2011, 02:38 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Now is not the time to be weak. Tell her it either stops or you are done.
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Old 06-24-2011, 02:54 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Your situation is very similar to mine about four years ago. I was a doormat too. Now four years later, I am leaving my wife. I will tell you that it takes a LOT of courage. You will be hurt because you still love her, but you cannot continue life being stepped on. Anticipate her telling you that she is sorry and will beg for forgiveness. Don't cave in. Sorry you are going through this.
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Old 06-24-2011, 03:17 PM   #11 (permalink)
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My wife told me that when we had these argument and fights, we hurt each other so much that at that time she hated me and that is when this guy showed up and she felt for him. This guy told her that he has always been iterested on her since the first time he saw her 4 years ago but that she never looked back at him . This guy took advantage that she was vulnerable because of the problems that we were going through, he pretended to be her friend and later took her away from me. This guy have many women that are after him because for what I understand he is very good looking, is wealthy and divorced. why did he had to put his eyes in my wife? I know she is at fault too, she should had been faithful to me. My wife told me that at that time she stoped loving me and that this individual entered her hearth. Now what she is trying to do is taking him out of her hearth and trying to put me back in it. she says that she knows that her place is here with me but is that sometimes she can be so hurtful when she compares me with him. I know that I can forgive her but it will take a long long time to forget if i can, that they may had been sexually involved, even if it was only once, that is something that will be hunting me for a long time or maybe for the rest of my life.

Last edited by AVAYA2011; 06-27-2011 at 10:19 AM.
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Old 06-24-2011, 03:28 PM   #12 (permalink)
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If you loved me you'd ignore I'm a trifling ho and fight for us since Lord knows I won't.

Chivalry is dead and f*ck that ****
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Old 06-24-2011, 04:18 PM   #13 (permalink)
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You need to man-up big time. Go to the Men's Clubhouse and read as much as you can about maning-up. Start with marduk's excellent thread What I've Learned in the Past Year - A good news story and become a brand NEW MAN.

Good luck.
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Old 06-24-2011, 05:14 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I bet your wife started accusing you of an affair because of her affair. Hers didn't start during your marriage counseling. Your marriage counseling started because of her affair.

I'm sorry to hear it, but the others are correct. She doesn't get to have her cake and eat it too. Your marriage has room for 2 people, not 3. Until she chooses you (quits her job, cuts all contact from the other man, and stops abusing you by telling you how wonderful he is) you should kick her out of your house. Tell her she has a limited time to return by choosing you. After a few weeks, you should begin divorce proceedings. A divorce will likely take several months, during which time she can still choose you.

But, if she never does, at least you will be rid of her and ready to move on.

Good luck.
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Old 06-24-2011, 06:21 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I bet your wife started accusing you of an affair because of her affair. Hers didn't start during your marriage counseling. Your marriage counseling started because of her affair.

I'm sorry to hear it, but the others are correct. She doesn't get to have her cake and eat it too. Your marriage has room for 2 people, not 3. Until she chooses you (quits her job, cuts all contact from the other man, and stops abusing you by telling you how wonderful he is) you should kick her out of your house. Tell her she has a limited time to return by choosing you. After a few weeks, you should begin divorce proceedings. A divorce will likely take several months, during which time she can still choose you.

But, if she never does, at least you will be rid of her and ready to move on.

Good luck.
Her affair started a couple of weeks after she accused me, we had this horrible fights, there were days that we did not sleep at all because we were continously fighting and screaming at each other overnight, one of those days she went crying to her job and that is when the guy pretending that he wanted to help her started washing her brain, telling her that our marriage could not be fix and that it was better for her to move on, he continued until he got what he wanted. You are right, in a marriage there is no room for 3, she will have to decide soon. Thanks
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