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Two Strikes. I'm out.

27K views 79 replies 32 participants last post by  GusPolinski 
#1 ·
I have been to other sites similar to this one in the past. Recently, I have found myself coming back to this one frequently over the past week. To seek answers. To seek stories of people who may be in the emotion state I'm in. This is my 1st post. So I will try to talk about my situation and background the best I can.

My wife and I have been married for 15 years, raised 5 children. 4 are mine. 1 was from a previous relationship she had, this one has been a part of my life since she was one years old. It has been a marriage with it's ups and downs having a family this big. For the most part, I have always felt we had love that would get us through life. But of course, financial struggles from raising 5 children has caused stress and problems in the marriage. For me, growing up in a similar up bringing with a strong mother, I felt if my mother could do it, then 2 parents could succeed where only one did. To me, though I wish life could have been slightly easier. I only had to think of my kids it gave me strength and felt after the kids have grown. My wife and I could finally do the things we missed out on doing when we were younger.

I have cheated on my wife the 1st year of marriage. So I guess, in the end. I might have been the cause of all this. At the time I was stupid and selfish. It caused my wife a lot of pain and I didn't help her in the healing process. I kept pretending to myself that we barely knew each other and wasn't sure if I wanted to stay married. I was so stupid and immature. I deserve all the pain I am getting right now. Since the first year. It made me sick to my stomach what I had done and have never done it again. It wasn't until the 3rd year of marriage when I finally confessed to her voluntarily. She took me back and our mistake was not to seek counselling of any sort.

8th year of our marriage. My wife has an affair with an old boyfriend. This hurt me allot. This was when I started going on forums such as this one to find answers and advice. In a way it helped me understand why it happened and what we had to do in order to move forward. We separated for 6 months and got back together. If anything, I felt our relationship got stronger. As bad as this sounds. I felt the affair helped our marriage in a way. It made me understand her more. Things were revealed to me about her past that helped both of us to become stronger. But like I mentioned before, life raising 5 children can be stressful. At times I became verbally abusive. I didn't help out enough around the house. I feel I could have done more.

15th year of marriage. The past couple months, I noticed a change in her. She seemed different. All of a sudden I started to see red flags from 7 years ago. I asked her several times if there was something going on. of course she denied any funny business going on. I saw the signs but keep telling myself that I must be going crazy. Especially, since after the last affair, she earned my trust back. Well, a week and 1/2 ago we get into an argument about the condition of the house. for the last couple months I started to notice how certain things were not getting done in the house. It didn't help that she has been very harsh with me for just the little things that I would ask her. In turn I would get upset and it become a big argument. She also seemed like she was distancing from me. Which hurt me a lot so that caused even more problems for us.

Well, at the time she said she wanted a divorce which caught me by surprise. Not even a chance of working anything out. She told me she wanted her own place, her own money, and do her own thing. I already felt this was just BS. I knew it was because she was probably just cheating on me again. Everything she was saying to me was the same things she told me when she had her last affair. But this time she was leaving me and the children. I had to talk her into trying to make this work, not only for me but for the kids. As much as I knew that most likely that the trust was gone. I wanted to at least try. All she did was tell me what she wanted me to hear. She was still trying to protect herself. Trickle-truth is all I got. Lies after lies. It was until after 8 days later when I notice how she wouldn't show me her phone, so I told her either we work this out or show me the phone. Well even then she couldn't say anything to me. I practically guessed everything right with just her nodding her head and the occasional yes. What killed me the most was when she said she loved him. How she wasn't willing to give him up. I keep telling her that she was just in a fog. That that this bum was just a predator feeding on women with marriage problems. That he was just telling her all the things she wanted to hear and that her brief time with this guy was not worth a marriage of 15 years and 5 children. She couldn't understand and didn't want to listen to me. After a couple days of talking things through I finally got her to stop all contact with him in order to reconcile from this.

Well 2 days ago I was next to her when she text him to say it was over between them now. This guy she claimed loved her doesn't respond back until 6 hours later with. "ok" "So you are getting back with your ex?" "Is this what your saying?" I told her to not call or text him back. that it was over. She listened to me. But the he texts her back hours later with,"Don't contact me again you crazy POS." With that last text from him it seemed as the fog started to lift. It was like she was starting to wake up. Well, I felt we were going in the right direction even so it was still too early to tell. I felt we had a chance to try to improve on our relationship and if it didn't work out in the end. Hopefully, we could become a better person to whoever we end up. We were planning to seek IC and MC. And make changes in our lives.

All of this changed when I found out from my brother that 3 weeks ago she borrowed money from him, telling him she was planning to get me something for father's day. My brother was the one that pulled me aside and asked me if she bought me anything. I told him no. And truthfully, I can't remember one time, in the 15 years of our marriage that she has went out of her way of getting me anything. I gotten her things in the past all the time. This is not about materialistic things. It hurt me deep inside knowing the sign of affectation she showed for this bum she only knew for 3 months was more than what she has shown me through out our years together. It also hurt me that when I checked the date of which she did this, it was when we were struggling financially that week. After this I lost my temper and yelled at her. Something I promised myself not to do this time around. I just told her it was over. I think I felt it was already doomed but finding out what I did last night kind of confirmed it for me.

I'm so broken right now. I know I have to be strong for the kids and I have support of of family. I've found god again, which is the only good thing that came out of all this. I think right now I know I'm angry but I don't think I care anymore what happens to her. I feel I need to protect myself now.

I know this is long but I needed to vent. I know everything I'm saying might just be emotional but I can't understand why she would put us through this again.
 
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#4 ·
Sorry you're here. It sounds like the damage has been done. I'm not trying to put you down, But a woman never forgets being cheated on. My H of 34 years cheated on me last year & even after all the Great years we've had together, The betrayal is what shines the brightest to me. I can't say I haven't thought about what it would be like now. Before it never crossed my mind. It changes who you are. Good luck to, I'm sorry you're hurting...
 
#5 · (Edited)
I just told her it was over. I think I felt it was already doomed but finding out what I did last night kind of confirmed it for me.

I'm so broken right now. I know I have to be strong for the kids and I have support of of family. I've found god again, which is the only good thing that came out of all this. I think right now I know I'm angry but I don't think I care anymore what happens to her. I feel I need to protect myself now.

I know this is long but I needed to vent. I know everything I'm saying might just be emotional but I can't understand why she would put us through this again.
Sounds like you want to reconcile... What you should be doing is filing for divorce. She's using your confessed affair as a license to fvck whomever she wants for the rest of her life. You can't continue to blame yourself. Plenty of us married serial cheaters like your wife and we never cheated. They just come up with different "excuses" but that's all it is. She was willing to leave you AND the kids for him?!? Hate to tell you this but she checked out YEARS ago. Maybe it was partially due to your actions but her acting like the village bicycle is 100% on her. The OM was right about one thing. She is a crazy POS.

You need to bail and start over. This relationship burned to the ground long ago. Time to throw in the towel. No one can say you didn't try at least. Some things just can't be saved. Do the 180, hit the gym, lawyer up, save yourself.
 
#13 · (Edited)
Sounds like you want to reconcile... What you should be doing is filing for divorce. She's using your confessed affair as a license to fvck whomever she wants for the rest of her life. You can't continue to blame yourself. Plenty of us married serial cheaters liked your wife who never cheated. They just come up with different "excuses" but that's all it is. She was willing to leave you AND the kids for him?!? Hate t tell you this but she checked out YEARS ago. Maybe it was partially due your actions but her acting like the village bicycle is 100% on her. The OM was right about one thing. She is a crazy POS.

You need to bail and start over. This relationship burned to the ground long ago. Time to throw in the towel. No one can say you didn't try at least. Some things just can't be saved. Do the 180, hit the gym, lawyer up, save yourself.
I agree.

"She's using your confessed affair as a license to fvck whomever she wants for the rest of her life. "


I understand that you cheated first (as far as you know) but you confessed, made a good faith effort and she got more than even. You deserved that.

At that point the karma bus has done its thing and you both agreed to start over on your marriage. Then she crapped on it. Now the karma bus is looking for her.

Your wife doesn’t think like you. You had an affair, felt guilty and confessed. You wife doesn’t feel as guilty as you because she never confessed.

Tell your wife that you’re going to DNA your kids and note her reaction. You will be testing her and not the kids.

If you want to actually do it you can buy a kit at Walmart, Amazon or about any drug store for about $30. You use a Q-tip to swab the inside of your cheek and the kid’s. Then you send the kit to a lab with $130 more.
 
#6 ·
Sorry you're here, TlHbB. Let's see if I've got the timeline correct:

Known the POS 3 months
1 1/2 weeks ago: she asks for divorce
2 days ago: she goes No Contact
1 day ago: You find out something that she did in the early stages of the affair?

Bear in mind you're going to be on the famous rollercoaster of emotions, but do you think you're not being a little rash?

People do the most hurtful things imaginable to their spouses during their affairs. It hurts to think that a cheating spouse will pay their partner no regard in an affair, but that's the nature of the beast.

What was you WW's response to you saying it's over?
 
#8 ·
No one deserves to be cheated on. You did wrong in your first year and eventually confessed. You two committed to R and she decides to start banging away after a while.

You deserved to lose your marriage after you cheated.

You did not deserve to be strung along for years while your wife sampled other men.

Might want to DNA your kids.

It takes two to make it work. She checked out.

You don't really want someone that is more committed to a loser than her husband, do you?

She even borrowed money from your brother to buy a gift for her walking dildo?

She was ready to walk away from her kids to satisfy her crotch monster?

Let her walk.

Not really much there.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#9 ·
I think to some degree you are right that you brought some of this on yourself. I personally don't think to wrongs make a right. She has cheated on you twice and I doubt that this marriage is really going to last. I know that is hard and you should feel some guilt from this but you also need to do whats right for your kids. Staying in a marriage that is unhealthy is not what is best for the kids. It would be one thing if she just did it once out of revenge but her doing it again this long apart from the first time makes it clear she is not invested in the marriage like you would like.

I would get into counceling and start 180. I would at least talk to a lawyer and start looking at your options for getting out.

I bet if you stay married you will end up regretting that decision too.

Clay
 
#10 ·
I'm sorry to those who been hurt by an affair. I know I have no right at all to expect any sympathy. I am just getting what I deserve and I accept this as my fault. I was a WH. And I wish I could have been smarter back then. I have to take care of my children. I know that the trust is gone now and that I have to move forward. Maybe I was rash but I think earlier this week that I felt it was already over and I was just being foolish again to think there might be a chance that she will change. I just don't think it will be a healthy relationship if I will be constantly checking up on her all the time. I'm so stupid and selfish for what I have done in the past.
 
#11 ·
I just don't think it will be a healthy relationship if I will be constantly checking up on her all the time. I'm so stupid and selfish for what I have done in the past.
SO why not tell her just that?

That you refuse to check up on her, that she is free to "F" anyone that she wants to.

Just not as your wife.

Tell her the marriage is too damaged from both of you and you feel it is in both of your best interests to divorce.
 
#12 ·
Your wife didnt do this becasue you cheated in the first year of your marriage. She stayed and had five kids. Shes now had two, at least, affairs. Shes a serial cheater. She was going to leave her kids. She cant be fixed.
 
#16 · (Edited)
I'm confused....

My wife and I have been married for 15 years, raised 5 children. 4 are mine. 1 was from a previous relationship she had
Is your wife the biological mother of your 4 children? Or are these 4 children from a previous relationship of yours?
 
#17 ·
When I met my wife, she had a 1 year old daughter. We had 4 children throughout our 15 years of marriage. I would do a DNA test but the 4 I had with her have a lot of my features for me to think otherwise. And in any case. I really don't care if by chance they are not. I love those kids and I'm their father and always will look at it that way.
I cheated on my wife the first year and never did so again due to guilt. I was selfish and stupid. Whether or not there were only 2 affairs. I will never know and don't think I want to know. These 2 are enough to know we were wrong to keep this marriage up just for the children. We both screwed up and everyone is right. It's just time for me to face reality. I hope to go to IC and try to see what I did wrong and fix myself. Not only for me but so I can get my mind thinking clearly and raise my children the best that I can.
Yesterday was the first day of separation and I need to document everything that has happened the past 2 weeks and use a clear head and not an emotional one. I will try to consult a lawyer to find out what steps I should be doing.
As far as what her reaction was yesterday when I told her to leave. She was angry at the fact I made her break contact with the om. And mad I was not willing to give this another try. And then she left. I noticed from the start when all of this was found out. She did not seem as remorseful as the first time. Only when the om called her a POS did she start feeling stupid for falling for him. She told me that it was like she didn't know him. From what she told me about him. He seemed like one of those typical predators that prey on women with troubled marriages. I mean. What kind of guy asked a woman that he knows has 5 kids with a limited income for a pair of $200+ pair of shoes. He didn't even buy her anything in return.
 
#22 ·
Stick to your guns and just move on. Your better learning from this experience and focusing on being a great dad than you are trying to stay with someone like that. Your not seeing remorse because there is none. She feels entitled to do what she has done just like most of the others you see or hear about. There is no point in even trying to talk to her. Just focus on you and starting your new life.

Clay
 
#24 ·
Hey man. Keep your chin up. You are a father, a provider and a dependable man. I've been in your shoes twice these past few years. When you convince her to leave you and the kids, those painful shoes of yours are going to come off. You'll be able to relax. You'll be able to breath. You can take that aggression out on the punching bag or the bench press and then get back to your kids, dinner, your hobbies, the swimming hole. You just need to get that ***** out of you and the children's home. Be nice about it. Let it sink in gradually.

Our marriage lasted 18 years. My new girlfriend is better looking, more intelligent, and successful. I have 3 kids. She has 3 kids. Our love life is electric. She came over for Father's Day. We made Cheesecake, pecan smoked pig flesh, and homemade ice cream. My kids were happy the whole time.

The cheating ex wife....she signs the paperwork I put in front of her. Work out your differences and divorce can be cheap and easy.

Lastly, if your's was a home maker and you never got a !@#$#@$% Father's Day gift then....dude. You can probably cook, clean, and wipe noses better than her sorry ass could while courting a better quality mate simultaneously.

I bet your life improves without her; living proof right here.
 
#26 ·
I don't think your wife ever forgave you for your affair. It changes a person's perceptions of their spouse forever. It seems like she is trying to find a safety net so she feels comfortable leaving you.

I just read your history and I don't like you as a spouse. With five kids, I might do the same thing.

You two should divorce on the best terms possible for the sake of the kids and move on. She doesn't love you.
 
#28 ·
She's offering to give you the kids.

Take that (in writing) and run with it. SOME day down the road, she may realize what a putz she is and come back to you in remorse - if you're still available - and you can set rules for her.

For now, take the kids and move on from this serial cheater. Don't let the kids learn to be serial cheaters, too, by watching this happen over and over.
 
#30 ·
Ok, so if you're willing to move on, here's the one key thing to remember (we've seen it all): If she is willing to sign over the kids - right now, while she's hot and heavy to move into her lovenest with Loverboy - TAKE HER UP ON IT in front of a lawyer. Like TOMORROW.

Cheating women - who typically only move on if they think they're in love, with their soulmate (gag me) - will often give you everything, just to get to be 'in love' with their new man. They'll walk away from kids, money, retirement accounts, just to be in that lovenest.

So let her.

See your lawyer tomorrow, by NOON. Please trust us, time is your enemy here. Do it quick, do it now, do it THIS WEEK. Before she changes her mind. Before she realizes she's giving up child support money.

Get it signed.

You can always reconcile later if things change. But for now, get it legal. Kids stay with you.
 
#31 ·
I believe I have done what was most important from a WH. That was to never do it again. As much as it has hurt me the first time. She deserved a 2nd chance because of what I have done. She could have just walked away. But she was the one determined to make things work. I was ready to just let the marriage end. She told me that it would never happen again. Thus, why I was able to bulk trust in her again. I know now that this time though it is on her. Not me and any person who would say that they would do this with 5 children and be ok to abandon them make me sick. If you want to leave your partner, by all means then go. But to leave your kids for a life to pretend your young and single. I have no words for that.
 
#32 ·
This is an awful scenario with poor innocent kids stuck in the middle. You really did mess up in the first year and probably destroyed whatever trust she had in you. But as the saying goes, two wrongs never made a right, but she seems to want to really hurt you back, there is something very dysfunctional about all of this and so it goes in circles. I know the advice you are getting is to leave, divorce, etc but have you considered getting any help first, before you throw in the towel. You cannot discount the effect of you cheating in the first year of marriage, you put her over the edge, she hasn't trusted you or given her all to you from day one. I wonder how much you did in order to 'win' her back and really take away the uncertainty from your relationship. What age is your wife?
 
#33 · (Edited)
You cannot discount the effect of you cheating in the first year of marriage, you put her over the edge, she hasn't trusted you or given her all to you from day one. I wonder how much you did in order to 'win' her back and really take away the uncertainty from your relationship. What age is your wife?
He made it quite clear that he doesn't discount the effect of his cheating on her. But look at the following.

He cheated first, she gave him another chance.
She cheated later, he gave her another chance.
She cheats again, he refuses to give her another chance.

Why should he give her another chance when she's not even remotely remorseful?

She's not a child so when is she going to own up her choices?

If the roles were reversed and the OP was a woman, I would tell her "No more chances, divorce your serial WH".
 
#36 ·
"I just read your history and I don't like you as a spouse. With five kids, I might do the same thing."

Well, if OP is a disgusting POS for cheating in the first year of M (and he is...and he admits it), his WW is an even lower and more revolting cheat.

Personally, I don't mind RA's....there is nothing wrong with giving a cheat a taste of their own medicine....and I can see WW's first A as an RA, despite the fact there was a several year delay in her doing it. I totally get that her resentment at his A finally pushed her to give him some payback.

That said, then they both worked to R based on the understanding that they both had done unforgivable things and were building a new M on the wreckage of the old.

This lasted for SEVEN years (well, six if OP is right that she started an EA with POSOM a year ago)...there is absolutely ZERO revenge/payback aspect to the crap she has just pulled.

She is an even bigger POS than he ever was IMO....by the time of her 2nd A, they both already knew the devastation of cheating to their M and family.

OP learned his lesson and refrained from ever doing it again....living in fidelity to his WW.

His worthless WW, in contrast, can't seem to keep her legs together in order to not destroy her M and children.

And you think OP is the one who deserves derision and, based on the second part of your statement, being cheated on?....after all, you suggest you'd do the same.

UnFu*kingBelievable.
 
#38 ·
Many of the comments here suggest that marriage is like a scoreboard.

He cheats, she cheats - that evens the score
She cheats (again) - dump her as she is a POS, another solution would be for him to cheat that would even the score, problem solved! :(

As I said before, the OP cannot discount the impact of his cheating in the FIRST year of marriage. If his WH has problems from childhood (alluded to here) then his actions have
played havoc with her emotionally and psychologically. She thought she could settle the score but probably found out life doesn't work like this and cheating creates an even bigger mess. She is lost.
Thor has hit the nail on the head, your WH needs help to become healthy. It is your choice to be there or not.
 
#39 ·
My $0.02

Your old lady loves some one else, why should she get help?

Just let her go, then if she gets the help she needs.....she just might start to think twice in what she is losing.

Moving on just might get her to second guess her choices and get the help she needs to affair proof her marriage and clean up this mess.

Until then forget about it...your old lady loves another guy!
 
#40 ·
aine,

I don't see it as a score card....but after her RA (as I see it), they both committed to building a new M.

AND IT WORKED...for 7 (maybe 6 based on when the EA with POSOM#2 started) they were in successful R.

There is no da*n way, IMO, that his WW can ever claim to go back to his A as an excuse for her SECOND A...that's just bullsh*t blameshifting.

She is a worthless cheat....she DEFINITELY knew better given their marital history and the problems they had overcome.

OP....kick her to the curb....she is too selfish to waste one more minute of your life on.
 
#41 · (Edited)
Well, I did kick her out last Sunday. As I mentioned on a previous post. It was after I found out she had lied to my brother, she borrowed money telling him she was planning something for me on father's day but in truth it was to buy this low life a pair of limited edition Jordons. By the way, I remember that day too, she told me she was spending time with one of her girlfriends but she was in fact heading out to the city to go pick them up. She also didn't seem to show much remorse. Also, the fact that I found out that she had known this guy for a while and her admitting she felt like leaving a year ago, lets me know she is still telling me nothing but lies. She is still in a fog. From the way she is acting, to me she has still not taken full responsibility for her actions and that I was somewhat the blame why she turned to another man. I'm not an alcoholic, drug user, or a violent person. I'm the main provider for the family and have never wavered in making sure the bills were paid and there was food. All I need from her was help with the stuff for the kids and some of the bills. There's a reason she had plans to leave them with me. She knows I'm a good dad. If anything I complimented her almost everyday and told her I loved her every opportunity I get, ever since her A 7 years ago. I felt our love life was good but it died down a little in the past year. I thought it was due to us getting older and stress from raising the kids.

So on Sunday. Father's day!!! I told her to give her friend a call and leave the house. Told her that the kids are here and will always be here for her to see at anytime. I will not keep the kids from seeing her, I have no problem if at one point they want to live with her. Provided she has a safe and livable environment. Not once has she made any attempt to bring any of the kids with her, this made me mad because it seemed as if they would have burdened her. I have a hard time imagining a mother who would be ok with leaving behind any of her children. Well, I have scheduled a consultation with a lawyer and found out it takes 6 months of separation until we can file for divorce. That is only if we both agree. It can take up to 2 years if we don't. I've also set up an appointment for counseling for myself. I only suggested to her to do the same but I will not pressure her to and don't care anymore if she does. I have these kids to take care of and have no time for her issues. It is end of quarter at work, which is when the company is at it's busiest. So all these appointments I had to set next week. I failed with the 180 yesterday. She sends me a text with pictures of us and the kids taken years ago, I ended up crying and had to take some time to get my composure back. I didn't want any of my co-workers to see me like this. Well, what came next pissed me off. She did all that just so she can ask me for the car. We have 2 cars and one is under my name and the other was given to us by my mother as a gift. I was angry at the fact she used those pictures to make me weak again. She then gets mad and tells me that, "We are enemies now." I thought to myself, "I don't even wish upon my enemies the type of hurt she has just caused me."

For the record. When she told me that she didn't love me anymore and wanted to live her own life. I had no problem giving the car to her. I was going to transfer the title. But when I found out it was just another A and that she was leaving the kids with me. I told her that you can go and ask your the man you love for help and that she will no longer get any help from me with this so called "New Life" of hers. I don't even want money to pay for the charges she made with the credit cards or any help with the kids. I can handle it myself. I can't even consider the thought of R until she wakes up and realizes what she has done again. For that, I have to break all contact and just respond to anything that has to do with the kids. She won't weaken me again, I won't allow it. 180 it is then.
 
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