Discovery of an affair
Hi all - newbie here. I’ve seen read some really good advice and perspective on this forum – particularly stuff that relates directly to my situation so thanks to all in advance for those that have contributed their stories and experiences already. Frankly I wish I had found this place 2 or 3 months ago or I wouldnt have made some of the mistakes I have.
Here is my particular tale of woe. Married/together 11 years,2 year old girl and 5 year old boy. I’ve worked from home since before the kids were born and run my family business. So I’ve been lucky enough to be just as involved in the care and upbringing of the kids as my wife has.
6 months or so ago I started to get a bad feeling that mywife and my best mate were just a little too close, lots of texting, I mean constant.. my mates partner is/was friends with my wife, it was two very close families so I didn’t really think much of it at first. I was friends with and spoke to his partner fairly regularly so it seemed churlish of me and was pointed out to me regularly that it was no different to that kind of relationship. Anyway, it got to a point a few months ago that I told my wife I was concerned about their friendship, she dismissed me as paranoid – this went on for a few weeks her always saying I was crazy and not being fair. Then she said in one argument that she was very confused about how she felt about me now, that my paranoia was driving her crazy etc etc. at that point something was really up – so I looked at her phone bill and noticed a LOT of texts to him that included picture messages. So, (and here’s my reveal atbeing a bit of a prick) I installed spyware on her phone (it is in my name) and in two days saw that they were having at least a “textual” affair. I could only sit on it for two days before I lost my bananas and told her what I had done to her phone and that I thought they were having an affair. Thing is – everything I could see could be explained away as not being anything more than a textual fling by a very good liar. She absolutely denied that anything physical ha shappened... and I believed her. Me and the mate went for a beer or ten and I believed him too.
Turns out they were both lying – to many things didn’t stackup with what they said so I fixed an old phone of hers that was busted and saw that they were arranging meet ups and discussed at least a kiss but it was no doubt more. Long and short – it was a proper affair.
Wife lost her mind so much at the phone monitoring (I have since read on this forum that reflecting the anger is a classic cheaters tactic) , she has trust issues that aren’t anything to do with me stemming from a messed up childhood so at the time I did understand that- Anyway, I haven’t had the balls to tell her I went into her old phone and found out it was a physical thing. It doesn’t matter really because she I think she's checked out of the marriage – in her head she did a longtime ago I think. She says that it is over at this point and she doesn’t see away past what’s happened.
The thing is that I forgive the affair and would probably work on saving the marriage if that was on the table – still love her I guess. Never pictured my life ahead without her, What that says about me I am not sure , I can understand her having her head turned.... but I can’t forgive the fact she let me think for months I was going crazy and that she still can’t and wont admit the truth about them. She won’t either and she justifies her actions as “these things happen for a reason”.
I’ve been to a therapist, went to one for the first time in my life BEFORE I found out anything because I thought the paranoia about them was my issue – I’ve been back a few times to the same lady who tells me I have to be prepared to let go and deal with the reality that my wife was happy to lie to me and let me think I was crazy and that she can’t be trusted. I know I have to deal with that fact – but still at this point it feels like she is the one leaving me and me holding on to something that isn’t there. I tell myself I am holding on for the sake of the kids – but it is not just that. It’s also driving me crazy that she is still talking to him all the time so it is quite obvious that she isn’t going to fight for us.
Mixed in with this is two beautiful kids who I will fight tooth and nail to get 50-50 custody of, and can demonstrate my involvement in their upbringing and can make my work fit in around them so I think I have a good chance at that. Finances will be complicated by my ownership of a business and the like – but at this point I don’t care about the money and she says neither does she. I can tell from some of these posts that that might changeover time though so I am sensible enough to know we need to get ducks in a row now while it is still “amicable”. We are still in the same house though different rooms. We are still trying to bring up the kids together as friendsbut the co-habitation can only last so long I know.
Not quite sure what I am asking advice on here now that I have written it out – I’ve been doing a lot of writing on instruction from the therapist but it feels like talking to yourself a bit! Guess this is just about getting things out a bit to an audience.
If anyone has any thoughts on what to do (and what NOT to do) right now that would be great.. I really wish I had been able to hold my fire before confronting her on the phone stuff so I could have exposed the affair on the first go round but that genie out of the bottle –if I had read this forum before I would have waited!..the other take home message I have got from my day or so reading through threads is that I have to do the 180 in my attitude to her, I am totally being the one that is trying to save this marriage. She is being very clear and cool that at this point she see's us as over - and I'm trying everything in my power to save it. I can tell from everyone elses experience that won't work. So the 180 starts today.
My big conundrum is if/how/when do I tell her that I know it was an affair. I told her the other day that "one day we'll have an honest conversation about what happened" so I think she knows I know. But it feels like just showing her proof I know doesn't make her honest, it just make her properly caught.. Do I keep that powder dry?
Thanks all in advance
Last edited by Craterus; 06-24-2015 at 02:16 AM.