Discovery of an affair - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 143 (permalink) Old 06-24-2015, 01:00 AM Thread Starter
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Discovery of an affair

Hi all - newbie here. I’ve seen read some really good advice and perspective on this forum – particularly stuff that relates directly to my situation so thanks to all in advance for those that have contributed their stories and experiences already. Frankly I wish I had found this place 2 or 3 months ago or I wouldnt have made some of the mistakes I have.
Here is my particular tale of woe. Married/together 11 years,2 year old girl and 5 year old boy. I’ve worked from home since before the kids were born and run my family business. So I’ve been lucky enough to be just as involved in the care and upbringing of the kids as my wife has.
6 months or so ago I started to get a bad feeling that mywife and my best mate were just a little too close, lots of texting, I mean constant.. my mates partner is/was friends with my wife, it was two very close families so I didn’t really think much of it at first. I was friends with and spoke to his partner fairly regularly so it seemed churlish of me and was pointed out to me regularly that it was no different to that kind of relationship. Anyway, it got to a point a few months ago that I told my wife I was concerned about their friendship, she dismissed me as paranoid – this went on for a few weeks her always saying I was crazy and not being fair. Then she said in one argument that she was very confused about how she felt about me now, that my paranoia was driving her crazy etc etc. at that point something was really up – so I looked at her phone bill and noticed a LOT of texts to him that included picture messages. So, (and here’s my reveal atbeing a bit of a prick) I installed spyware on her phone (it is in my name) and in two days saw that they were having at least a “textual” affair. I could only sit on it for two days before I lost my bananas and told her what I had done to her phone and that I thought they were having an affair. Thing is – everything I could see could be explained away as not being anything more than a textual fling by a very good liar. She absolutely denied that anything physical ha shappened... and I believed her. Me and the mate went for a beer or ten and I believed him too.
Turns out they were both lying – to many things didn’t stackup with what they said so I fixed an old phone of hers that was busted and saw that they were arranging meet ups and discussed at least a kiss but it was no doubt more. Long and short – it was a proper affair.

Wife lost her mind so much at the phone monitoring (I have since read on this forum that reflecting the anger is a classic cheaters tactic) , she has trust issues that aren’t anything to do with me stemming from a messed up childhood so at the time I did understand that- Anyway, I haven’t had the balls to tell her I went into her old phone and found out it was a physical thing. It doesn’t matter really because she I think she's checked out of the marriage – in her head she did a longtime ago I think. She says that it is over at this point and she doesn’t see away past what’s happened.

The thing is that I forgive the affair and would probably work on saving the marriage if that was on the table – still love her I guess. Never pictured my life ahead without her, What that says about me I am not sure , I can understand her having her head turned.... but I can’t forgive the fact she let me think for months I was going crazy and that she still can’t and wont admit the truth about them. She won’t either and she justifies her actions as “these things happen for a reason”.

I’ve been to a therapist, went to one for the first time in my life BEFORE I found out anything because I thought the paranoia about them was my issue – I’ve been back a few times to the same lady who tells me I have to be prepared to let go and deal with the reality that my wife was happy to lie to me and let me think I was crazy and that she can’t be trusted. I know I have to deal with that fact – but still at this point it feels like she is the one leaving me and me holding on to something that isn’t there. I tell myself I am holding on for the sake of the kids – but it is not just that. It’s also driving me crazy that she is still talking to him all the time so it is quite obvious that she isn’t going to fight for us.

Mixed in with this is two beautiful kids who I will fight tooth and nail to get 50-50 custody of, and can demonstrate my involvement in their upbringing and can make my work fit in around them so I think I have a good chance at that. Finances will be complicated by my ownership of a business and the like – but at this point I don’t care about the money and she says neither does she. I can tell from some of these posts that that might changeover time though so I am sensible enough to know we need to get ducks in a row now while it is still “amicable”. We are still in the same house though different rooms. We are still trying to bring up the kids together as friendsbut the co-habitation can only last so long I know.

Not quite sure what I am asking advice on here now that I have written it out – I’ve been doing a lot of writing on instruction from the therapist but it feels like talking to yourself a bit! Guess this is just about getting things out a bit to an audience.

If anyone has any thoughts on what to do (and what NOT to do) right now that would be great.. I really wish I had been able to hold my fire before confronting her on the phone stuff so I could have exposed the affair on the first go round but that genie out of the bottle –if I had read this forum before I would have waited!..the other take home message I have got from my day or so reading through threads is that I have to do the 180 in my attitude to her, I am totally being the one that is trying to save this marriage. She is being very clear and cool that at this point she see's us as over - and I'm trying everything in my power to save it. I can tell from everyone elses experience that won't work. So the 180 starts today.

My big conundrum is if/how/when do I tell her that I know it was an affair. I told her the other day that "one day we'll have an honest conversation about what happened" so I think she knows I know. But it feels like just showing her proof I know doesn't make her honest, it just make her properly caught.. Do I keep that powder dry?

Thanks all in advance


Last edited by Craterus; 06-24-2015 at 01:16 AM.
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post #2 of 143 (permalink) Old 06-24-2015, 01:35 AM
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I don't have too much advice to give, I just wanted to say that our situations are so similar and I am so sorry for what has happened to you.

My H responded in the same way when I (very stupidly) let him hear the recording I made of him and his assistant together. In which he tells her to take her bra off, she jokes about his wedding ring "falling off", they say things like "what if SHE walked in NOW?" and "we should get a couch for the office to practice dictation", and I could hear them kissing. Rather than ever admit that what he did was horribly wrong, he lost his **** over the fact that I made a recording, and has never gotten over that. He says he doesn't trust me anymore, forgetting the fact that it is I who shouldn't trust HIM.

So I think your wife's response is probably a common one. As for whether you should tell her about the old phone - I wouldn't at this point. What good it would do? You've already said she is acting like she is done with the marriage, what more is there to add?

I was told here long ago to record and snoop but NEVER to give up my sources, and I did, and it made it even harder to proceed. If you tell her HOW you know it was physical, you are only giving her more ammunition against you. You could, however, tell her that you know it was physical and not tell her how you know. You could just reiterate that you know the truth and leave her wondering. That's what I should have done.

I also completely understand wanting to try to save the marriage, for the kids especially. It is so hard to understand how the person who is supposed to love you more than anyone in the world can so quickly turn into someone who would betray you and then act cold and distant. It is the worst feeling in the world.

So many here will give you great advice. I wish I were better at following their advice and I'm working on that. I hope for you that you can keep yourself together for your kids and remember that they should be your focus now.
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post #3 of 143 (permalink) Old 06-24-2015, 01:38 AM
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Re: Discovery of an affair

You probably should talk to a lawyer first about divorce/her affair. The information may or may not be beneficial in court.

She is doing the all too familiar game of admitting to only what you know. She is showing no willingness to save the marriage. Has she discussed divorce or just threatened it?
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post #4 of 143 (permalink) Old 06-24-2015, 01:53 AM
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Re: Discovery of an affair

Sorry that you are in this place. Your wife has been leading you a merry dance and trickle truth-ing and making you think you are the one who is crazy and paranoid, now you know.

You are completely right to do the 180, you are doing this for you, as you need to get yourself sorted when all of this comes to a head and be in a good place personally.
You need to be ready to leave the marriage if necessary.
You should also organise a lawyer, as you will probably need one, sort out your business, etc money may become an issue in the future.

I would tell her you know it was a physical affair and that you have proof but don't tell her anything else. If she tries to call your bluff, give her a bit of info (to show that you do have proof) and let her wonder how you know, do not tell her anymore as she is not entitled to know. This information may come in useful later on.

The OM's partner (your friend) also needs to know about this also as she is entitled to make decisions about her future and the future of their marriage. In no way are you responsible for any fall out from this disclosure. that is the full responsibility of your WW and the OM for crossing a line. The partner may already suspect?

You have to let your own family, her family, friends etc. know about this so as to blow her cover, do not hide or make excuses for your WW and cover this up. If this is fully exposed you may see a completely different reaction, but you continue with the 180. It is likely as things stand that she will blame you for the divorce she wants and being unhappy in her marriage. She must be exposed.
If she shows any remorse as a result of these actions then it is entirely up to you whether you want her back or not.
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post #5 of 143 (permalink) Old 06-24-2015, 01:54 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Discovery of an affair

Quote:
So many here will give you great advice. I wish I were better at following their advice and I'm working on that. I hope for you that you can keep yourself together for your kids and remember that they should be your focus now.
Thanks - I wish I had read the advice on here before, especially about not revealing source of snooping and the 180 stuff. Anyway, guess I have to start somewhere and that will begin now as will focusing on myself and kids rather than her as best I can.

Quote:
I also completely understand wanting to try to save the marriage, for the kids especially. It is so hard to understand how the person who is supposed to love you more than anyone in the world can so quickly turn into someone who would betray you and then act cold and distant. It is the worst feeling in the world.
This is the thing isnt it Papillon - It is like there is a stranger in their body. Guess none of this happened to either of us in a vaccuum and for no reason, but it is hard to take the fact that they are turning their betrayal around on us.



Quote:
You probably should talk to a lawyer first about divorce/her affair. The information may or may not be beneficial in court.

She is doing the all too familiar game of admitting to only what you know. She is showing no willingness to save the marriage. Has she discussed divorce or just threatened it?
Definitely some very familiar games - all from the play book from what I can see on here. She is showing little willingness to save the marriage, though she does say she would have left on the day I told her I had spied on her phone if it wasnt for the kids and our life together... We havent discussed Divorce. Here in Australia there is a "no fault" law that means even if the other party has cheated it makes no difference in court settlements and the like (thats my understanding from my brief free call to a lawyer anyway)
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post #6 of 143 (permalink) Old 06-24-2015, 02:06 AM
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Re: Discovery of an affair

Has the affair ended? Usually when you start hearing things like they don't care about money etc the affair is still going on. They just want freedom to pursue the new "soulmate".
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post #7 of 143 (permalink) Old 06-24-2015, 02:17 AM
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Re: Discovery of an affair

Best advice you can get is to immediately contact an attorney, get the finances straight , then get divorced as soon as possible. I know that many posters will advise you to wait, etc, but that will only increase the amount of fallout for you and your kids. You should properly have no concern for your "wife " ....at all, except as it affects the divorce and parenting agreements. But TALK TO A LAWYER , FIRST.
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post #8 of 143 (permalink) Old 06-24-2015, 02:33 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Discovery of an affair

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The OM's partner (your friend) also needs to know about this also as she is entitled to make decisions about her future and the future of their marriage. In no way are you responsible for any fall out from this disclosure. that is the full responsibility of your WW and the OM for crossing a line. The partner may already suspect?

You have to let your own family, her family, friends etc. know about this so as to blow her cover, do not hide or make excuses for your WW and cover this up. If this is fully exposed you may see a completely different reaction, but you continue with the 180. It is likely as things stand that she will blame you for the divorce she wants and being unhappy in her marriage. She must be exposed.
If she shows any remorse as a result of these actions then it is entirely up to you whether you want her back or not.
This I would like to do - it is made complicated by the fact that my son (5 years) is in the same class at school as his Son and they are best friends - (though I know they are only young). If I blow this up and tell his partner, she is a bit of a crazy person and frankly it will/could get nasty and I don't want that for my lad. Maybe thats just me making excuses but I do not want the kids to get tangled up. The OM's wife (they have been seperated for a long time but still in the same house) is the sort of woman to get nasty

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Originally Posted by Rookie4 View Post
Best advice you can get is to immediately contact an attorney, get the finances straight , then get divorced as soon as possible. I know that many posters will advise you to wait, etc, but that will only increase the amount of fallout for you and your kids. You should properly have no concern for your "wife " ....at all, except as it affects the divorce and parenting agreements. But TALK TO A LAWYER , FIRST.
Noted - man that is some tough advice though. Are there any happy endings ever to these kind of things? I can't find many trawling through these boards..

Quote:
Has the affair ended? Usually when you start hearing things like they don't care about money etc the affair is still going on. They just want freedom to pursue the new "soulmate".
- I think the physical side has ended, before I new the truth OM and I went for a beer and I get the feeling it ended the next day... But they are still talking all the time.. texts and phone calls.. so, PA ended, EA no - I don't think so
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post #9 of 143 (permalink) Old 06-24-2015, 02:46 AM
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Re: Discovery of an affair

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This I would like to do - it is made complicated by the fact that my son (5 years) is in the same class at school as his Son and they are best friends - (though I know they are only young). If I blow this up and tell his partner, she is a bit of a crazy person and frankly it will/could get nasty and I don't want that for my lad. Maybe thats just me making excuses but I do not want the kids to get tangled up. The OM's wife (they have been seperated for a long time but still in the same house) is the sort of woman to get nasty



Noted - man that is some tough advice though. Are there any happy endings ever to these kind of things? I can't find many trawling through these boards..

- I think the physical side has ended, before I new the truth OM and I went for a beer and I get the feeling it ended the next day... But they are still talking all the time.. texts and phone calls.. so, PA ended, EA no - I don't think so
Sorry, but there are rarely ever any "happy" endings to an affair....mostly survivor stories. The longer you wait, the harder on your kids.
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post #10 of 143 (permalink) Old 06-24-2015, 03:11 AM Thread Starter
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Thanks rookie4, that's the impression I've got from these boards. Tough to hear but think I've got a lot of toughening up to do with this situation.

The comment - need to be prepared to lose a marriage to save it sometimes rings very true.

Tell me... I know all the stuff that it is my wife that's done the betraying not my mate..but he was a very good friend and I've helped him out financially and all sorts over the years. The way he talked about me in the texts made my blood boil. I know precisely how to ruin the guy emotionally and financially, and it wouldn't be illegal.. How tempting would it be for you all to do it. He has to know there are consequences for his actions at least surely.

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post #11 of 143 (permalink) Old 06-24-2015, 03:20 AM
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Re: Discovery of an affair

Revenge...later. First take care of your kids and yourself. You need to develop a tougher mindset. The comment, "be prepared to lose a marriage save it" is a losers mentality. You need to learn that your wife is now the enemy, and everything you thought about her is false......she has proven it by her actions and words. Don't be one of the BS's who mistake weakness for love.
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post #12 of 143 (permalink) Old 06-24-2015, 03:32 AM
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Re: Discovery of an affair

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Thanks rookie4, that's the impression I've got from these boards. Tough to hear but think I've got a lot of toughening up to do with this situation.

The comment - need to be prepared to lose a marriage to save it sometimes rings very true.

Tell me... I know all the stuff that it is my wife that's done the betraying not my mate..but he was a very good friend and I've helped him out financially and all sorts over the years. The way he talked about me in the texts made my blood boil. I know precisely how to ruin the guy emotionally and financially, and it wouldn't be illegal.. How tempting would it be for you all to do it. He has to know there are consequences for his actions at least surely.
Ultimately the OM isn't your problem, your wife is. You don't want to do it but you should inform the om wife.

The affair is still going on, you have no shot at any reconciliation with Mr. Perfect in the picture. The quickest way to end fantasyland is to expose it. Her "affair fog" needs to be broken. Your concerned about your child but your wife caused this, not you. It will just get "more complicated" the longer this goes on.

This sucks and no one wants to be in your position. I am sorry you find yourself in it. Much of the advice will go against what your heart is saying.

Dont kid yourself the first opportunity they get this will be physical again. They have no intentions to stop, they are just getting sneakier.
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post #13 of 143 (permalink) Old 06-24-2015, 05:21 AM
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Re: Discovery of an affair

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Originally Posted by Craterus View Post
Thanks rookie4, that's the impression I've got from these boards. Tough to hear but think I've got a lot of toughening up to do with this situation.

The comment - need to be prepared to lose a marriage to save it sometimes rings very true.

Tell me... I know all the stuff that it is my wife that's done the betraying not my mate..but he was a very good friend and I've helped him out financially and all sorts over the years. The way he talked about me in the texts made my blood boil. I know precisely how to ruin the guy emotionally and financially, and it wouldn't be illegal.. How tempting would it be for you all to do it. He has to know there are consequences for his actions at least surely.
You mate has also betrayed you, a dog doesn't **** in it's own back yard and he has! You owe him absolutely nothing.
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post #14 of 143 (permalink) Old 06-24-2015, 05:46 AM
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Re: Discovery of an affair

The only chance you have of saving your family and the best way out of this mess divorce or reconciliation is the same. Expose to everyone. Her family, his family, his wife, workplace , everyone. You say you can ruin him, do it. Let your wife see him crawl. Talk about a fog breaker.

The only way to win is to be strong, honest and forthright.

" faint heart fair maiden never won!"

Show your wife you won't be messed with or f*cked with. You he already found what being weak and needy and in denial gets you. Man up.
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post #15 of 143 (permalink) Old 06-24-2015, 06:02 AM
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Re: Discovery of an affair

You really need to tell the OM's partner (wife?). She may be crazy, but crazy people still have a right to know what is going on in their own lives. People make endless excuses for not exposing to the OM/OW, but the excuses never wash for me. It is, first and foremost, the moral thing to do. It is also the only card you have right now. I would tell the OM's partner and not let your WW know that you are doing it.
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