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Did details HURT or help HEAL???

19K views 87 replies 42 participants last post by  Marc878 
#1 ·
Okay...moral dilemma here.

I have a chance to SEE and READ all the texts between them!!

Its been 3 years after and I'm still consumed with the nagging questions of what they "really" talked about. (H had an emotional affair with OW) H is most forcoming with details but he also doesn't want to hurt me so I fear they are too vague for me.

I also know that the OW is never going to go away as I feel she is in love with him and is waiting for a weak moment between us although she married.

There are many reasons I would want to know but mainly...I WANT THE ADVANTAGE OF KNOWING WHAT SHE SAID TO MY HUSBAND SO ITS NOT JUST BETWEEN THEM!!!

Our marriage has been very good post DD so there's the fear of finding out 'to much' and being at square one again trying to rebuild our marriage.

WOULD YOU GO FOR IT OR LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE?????
 
#2 ·
I'd do it.

Also, you mentioned that OW is still sort of in the picture... who is she? Is your husband still actively communicating w/ her? Does her husband know about her EA w/ your husband?
 
#3 ·
For me personally, having transcripts of what was discussed between my WW and OM would be a Godsend. It took almost three years to get the confession, and I still wonder what exactly was said. I wonder what was said about me, WW claims nothing bad was ever said (insert eye roll)!! I would read them, I would read them to your husband, but that's me, as I know I got the "nice" filtered version.
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#5 ·
For me personally, having transcripts of what was discussed between my WW and OM would be a Godsend. It took almost three years to get the confession, and I still wonder what exactly was said. I wonder what was said about me, WW claims nothing bad was ever said (insert eye roll)!! I would read them, I would read them to your husband, but that's me, as I know I got the "nice" filtered version.
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Yup, i heard that too, lol. Highly doubtful.

The first time 'round for me, I read the entire chat convo between my ex and his CL ***** WHILE it was happening (I was signed into his gmail account and he didn't know it). The initial meet, the talk about sex acts, personal grooming, no condom please, where and went to meet, and the "bye, see ya soon." (Also, no pics exchanged, triple ick). I was aware of what time he probably arrived to the residence (where she was babysitting and the baby was asleep), when it was happening, and when he probably left.

I'm not glad I have that information stored in my brain, nor am I glad to have details about the sex between him and his current OW, especially when he nastily compares her to me in terms of physique/body type.

Everyone is different, though. Some people crave details to heal, some people are damaged by them. Only you can truly know which type of person you are, but there is no right or wrong answer.
 
#6 ·
....you know yourself better than us. Assume the worst and ask yourself if you could continue with your husband after reading the words in print. Not everyone is able to deal with such things. When guys get into EAs they spout off a bunch of stuff they do not really mean, although the printed words make it seem like they do.

Maybe let a trusted friend read them after providing that person with an outline of what you already know. They could then tell you if anything in print differs vastly from what you already know.....good luck.
 
#7 · (Edited)
Well, one thing I can tell you is that getting all the details eliminates the BS's speculation about what, when and why. The BS knows what he's trying to forgive if R is attempted - and just as important, the WS knows too.

But, it's an individual decision. Some want to know everything; others little or nothing.

Me; I wanted to know everything. I spent 12 hours reading through 3500 recovered e-mails from the POSOM - that spanned a year and a half. It was brutal; but I don't regret it and I don't lie awake at night wondering what else they might have done.

The POSOM's wife? I sent the e-mails to her and she wouldn't read a one. She prefers to bury her head in the sand.
 
#8 ·
Let sleeping dogs sleep.

If you want your marriage to continue, then you want to move on, forgive him completely, and drop all anger. What are the upside and down side of learning what your spouses EA or PA said? Will learning what they said help you trust your spouse more? Will learning what the Other person said allow you to better forgive yuor spouse? Will learning what the O Person said help you drop all anger? No guarantee on any of those.

So ask yourself what is so darn important to you about learning more and will it help in the reconciliation? At some point you need to take it on faith that your spouse has learned their lesson and when they said they won't do it again, they means it. That doesn't mean you can't check in on them periodically, or that they gets to keep new secrets from you. It just means you and your spouse have a trust relationship to rebuild.

Let go fo the past and get on with the future.

Good luck to you.
 
#11 ·
It's going hurt you to read them, but once the hurt happens, you'll be able to start healing... if you don't see them, you'll be wondering about it forever. And that will torture you, and it might cause bigger problems down the line.

Everybody says that you need total transparency for a relationship to recover from an affair. If your H is refusing to give you all the information or is being vague under the guise of "protecting your feelings," he's not being totally transparent. If he wants your trust again, he needs to answer all your questions honestly, and he needs to turn over everything that you ask for. I think he's afraid that you'll leave him if you know everything. So his transparency will alleviate that fear for him as well (because when all is revealed, the other shoe will drop, you'll either stay or leave, and he'll have his answer), he just doesn't realize that. EVERYTHING needs to be out in the open.

And if the OW is still in your circles, she is still a threat, and you deserve to know EVERYTHING if that is what you want/need in order to arm yourself fully. His being vague about what happened means that he is protecting himself, and he is protecting the OW, which YOU and YOUR MARRIAGE need to be his priority. If he's not willing to give that to you, I'm not sure he's totally on board.
 
#22 ·
I agree with this ^

I HAD to uncover everything I could, I am just wired that way. My whole world was upended and I needed to know exactly what happened, not a liars version of it.

It was painful, but so is wondering and filling in the blanks in your head. I am sure you have imagined what was said in conversations...It is obviously still on your mind to some degree or you wouldn't be torn about the decision.

The thing that would bother me the most is that the OW is still lurking.

Sorry you have to deal with this, I hope whatever you decide you continue to heal.
 
#12 ·
Everyone is different in the way we process things.

I'm a detail orientated guy and I needed to know what exactly I was forgiving and living with. Without those details my mind would have always picked at what I didn't know - trying to put the pieces together and make sense of it.

You say yourself that not knowing is bothering you. So in your case I say GET the information and go through it piece by piece, put it together so that it makes sense to your mind.
 
#13 ·
@beachbabe, I would read them. The questions will always be there. And, if you see her at some point, there is ALWAYS that chance she may try to taunt you, thinking you know nothing. If you don't know the content, she will see it in your eyes, your exoression, even if if is fleeting. You can say you know all about it, but she will know the truth. It is still weighing on you, even 3 years later. Read them and put it to rest.

I think we had this discussion before, when you first joined. I saw the majority of my husband's texts. Some, I still have nagging questions about, but only because they were gone before I could see them. If I could, I absolutely would. Do I trust my husband, now? Yes. Does he trust me? Yes. Would I still, after three years have now passed, and we are in a good place in our marriage, want to read those missing texts? Absolutely, 100%, without a question, I would want to.
 
#16 ·
She sent what she thought were secret messages to your husband. If you read them, they are no longer secret. Blow up their secrets and find out exactly what happened. If you don't, you will wish you had. You will know the truth. It will hurt and things may get worse for a while between you and your husband, but it will be worth it.
Further, your husband is putting you above the other women by giving this to you. Take it.
 
#18 ·
So is your husband giving you these messages? or does he know you've got access? why did it take 3 years?

if they are from him, I would assume he's had a lot of time to delete the bad ones, or modify them.

or, if you have another way (old phone you found?), and he doesn't know, it would be interesting to see if he wants to 'fess up before you read them.
 
#20 ·
So is your husband giving you these messages? or does he know you've got access? why did it take 3 years?

if they are from him, I would assume he's had a lot of time to delete the bad ones, or modify them.

or, if you have another way (old phone you found?), and he doesn't know, it would be interesting to see if he wants to 'fess up before you read them.
Yep.
 
#19 ·
If you stay in the relationship one of your lingering thoughts will likely be - am I first in [his/her] heart?

Who wants to be in second place? Who wants to be the "well if I can't have AP, then I guess I'll stay with BS"?

You will probably always wonder about this question if you don't look at the evidence. A WS will always lie when it comes to answering this question, and when evidence has been deleted or is not available the WS can easily get away with that lie.

So read those texts. My only thought is that I wonder if you really do have all the texts.. and maybe more was said via some other channel.
 
#21 ·
Its been 3 years after and I'm still consumed with the nagging questions of what they "really" talked about. (H had an emotional affair with OW) ...........................

WOULD YOU GO FOR IT OR LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE?????
It would be a set-back in the short-term, but worth it in the long-term. You will feel like cr@p for the next 24 hours, but some of the lingering questions that keep replaying in your head will be answered. If you are not 100% sure that it was only an EA, you might find your answer.

For me, it was not a choice. I could not stop myself from finding out as much information as I could.
 
#24 ·
I loved that everyone took the time to answer my questions. What terrific insights.

The moral issue is that I found my H old cell and with forensic analysis, everything can be obtained! ($$$) My H did tell me that they talked about me, sex and their personal lives. She apparently was after him for years and got him when he was weak. (we were near separation at the time)

We are doing SO well that, that the other dilehma is, that I could ruin that! Reading their texts could seriously set me back. But curiousity is killing me too. He regrets ever having contact with her and will cry with me. He's not a crier either. After all these years he has more than proved that.

Thanks to everyone who said they were sorry I was going thru this. So sweet. So in return, I too, am sorry you all are going through this too. It's so sad, isn't it?
 
#25 ·
Again, go for it. If you don't, you'll always wonder about whether or not you got the full truth, especially w/ respect to whether or not the affair ever went physical, how long it lasted, etc. And that will haunt you. TRUST ME.

You might also learn enough about him that you come to realize that any tears that he's shed in the years since were little more than crocodile tears.
 
#29 ·
I think if I was absolutely sure there was only ONE person and he had told me "enough" (i.e. we had sex multiple times, we did talk about you, etc.), I would NOT want to read the gory details.

However, if I were unsure about if I had obtained the whole truth (i.e. if I thought there might be other women or if he said it never went physical and I suspected it did), I would probably read the texts.

I guess it depends on how much info you did get from him and how much you believe it.
 
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#31 ·
For some it helps to know and for some it does not. The problem is you often don't know for sure which one you are until it's too late. And then you obviously can't unring that bell.

Details hurt -- a lot -- but some people need them. I didn't.

@Openminded, I think some background would be helpful to go along w/ the statement in bold...

You divorced after catching your husband in a second affair w/ the same OW, and 30 years after the first affair... correct?

Did you ask for any details after catching him the first time? I could see how you wouldn't ask for any the second time around because... well, you chose to divorce him. Most folks will have a different set of rules when they're looking to reconcile.

Food for thought, IMO.
 
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#32 ·
Gus, that's correct. My ex-husband never admitted to anything that I didn't have absolute proof for. What I did learn in the way of details (both times -- when I decided to R and when I decided to get out) hurt tremendously and I wish I hadn't known more than the fact that he cheated. Some people do need to know but often dealing with the knowledge is a difficult thing. In my case, I had painful triggers for decades based on the details I had learned when I was trying to figure out what was going on so I'm grateful I didn't find out all he did.
 
#33 ·
Its been 3 years after and I'm still consumed with the nagging questions of what they "really" talked about. (H had an emotional affair with OW) H is most forcoming with details but he also doesn't want to hurt me so I fear they are too vague for me.
If it was me I would do it, because I could not live with not doing it. The fact that you are still consumed says it all.
WOULD YOU GO FOR IT OR LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE?????
If you are consumed by it, the dog is not sleeping.
 
#34 ·
While my WW waited almost three years to confess, I went crazy, and I mean crazy. Some of the things your mind can do are absolutely amazing, and not in a good way. I became paranoid, depressed, suicidal, and thought everyone was out to get me personally. After she confessed it brought out all new problems for me.

How deep emotionally were they? What did they discuss? Did they plan on running away together? How did they talk about their spouses? Did they both trash me or just one of them? Did they end each conversation or day with I love you? Did they love each other? Just how much time did they think of each other?

I could go on for days, and I know I get the watered down nice version of all their conversations. If it were me I would read them, I would need to know, but that's my opinion. You have stated this could possibly send you back to square one, so I guess the question is really, do you need to know or would this damage you too much? But you have the opportunity to know what the relationship was, and I would have wanted that more then anything. That would have possibly saved me from crazy.
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#35 ·
I'm so impressed with everyones thoughts on this subject. I appreciate everyone one of them. But I have to say it truly saddens me all the pain is still very evident in your responses. :( When will this pain truly go away???? That is a whole other thread I'm sure.

I have to say that I've had a good couple of years. I made the concious effort to block all thoughts of her if they came into my head. It was like I was inviting her in my home, my job, and my bed.(heaven forbid!!) I was determined NOT have that. And I was the happier for it. We both were.

I think that is why I'm so conflicted about it.

One thing for sure, I will definitely have the upper hand (in my head, at least) if I read all her texts. After all, he is MY husband!! And how dare her...
 
#36 ·
To me infidelity was an invasion on my marriage. I don't take lightly to that. What was difficult to accept is the WS allowed and in some cases welcomed the invasion. Mildly put, war was enacted at my front door, and I chose to enter this badly. I had no knowledge, I was in shock and disbelief, everything around me destroyed as I surveyed the ruins. It is a world like no other, nothing but pain, sadness, despair, hopelessness, and doubting your every move.

Your life as you knew it changed forever, you are changed forever, your marriage is changed. So much information to process and digest, you wonder where your strength will come from. You walk around and go through the motions for a few weeks, an empty shell of what and you were. Your beliefs, self esteem, and confidence destroyed in one big swoop. You have no idea who your WS is anymore.

You become angry and have fits of rage, your thoughts turn to what you never thought possible. You spend most of your days in rage, wondering if its even possible to be happy again.

You are given choices you never should have had to make. Do I divorce or do I reconcile? Do we enter IC and MC? Can I accept this affair? Can I get past this affair? Does my spouse have it in them to reconcile? Can we accept who we are after we've changed? Will I still be in love with my spouse after the changes?

Reconciliation is the most difficult work I've ever done. The most painful by far. I'm sure divorce is painful too. I have struggled through this and not a day goes by that I can say was easy. I'm told the pain isn't as sharp as time goes by, but I will forever be hurt by infidelity. That pain will stay if I divorce or reconcile, it's something I believe stays with you for life. I also believe the pain is measured by how you deal with it. What you do to heal and time will make this hurt less, but it's still there, somewhere.
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