Sorry this is long. Looking for some thoughts here- especially from the ladies. Wife and I have been married 12 years. I am 47, my wife 38. We have two children, 6 & 10 years old. Wife has historically had a bit higher desire than I have, but we had a reasonable sex life. Wife wanted a third child, but I felt we had all we could handle, but never said no- just not right now. Found out 11 months ago wife was in an affair with her boss.
Much has happened in the last few years- my elderly mother became terminally ill and passed away. We had a unplanned pregnancy and miscarriage. My professional career of 18 years became jepardized- company I worked for was failing- caused me a lot of stress and ended up with me being layed off due to downsizing. Shortly after being layed off I discovered by reading text messages that my wife was involved with her boss at her workplace, and had been in a physical affair for much of the preceding year. The affair was primarily conducted in Hotels during business travel, but also in the office where they worked. She trickle truthed me for about a week- then finally admitted to the affair, gave me details, complete transparency, does not travel with OM any more, does not work late, does not spend any time alone with him anymore.
But, since I am out of work, and we must have her salary to survive, she still works at the same job. She is in administration and makes a good salary. I did not expose the affair to our families or her workplace, as we need her job and insurance. We went through a period of hysterical bonding after the affair- sometimes having sex multiple times day for a couple of months. Now, a few more months down the road sex has fallen off again. She swears that the affair is over. I see no evidence suggesting the affair is continuing, however she still works in close contact with her AP and they must communicate on business matters.
She claims when pressed on the matter, that she is just not in a place mentally where sex is a priority. She is close to finishing getting her MBA. She claims that I have not been searching for a job, and that is showing her that she and our family's future does not matter to me. That could not be farther from the truth. I literally feel her pulling back away from me. She has now cut off intimacy and gives me every excuse in the book to avoid sex, but claims she wants to save the marriage, and that she still loves me and wants us to make it.
I have had depression with all that's happened, and been taking meds for depression and occasionally sleep aids as I have had much trouble sleeping since D-day. Now, 11 months out, I am feeling much better, but my esteem has taken a helluva beating and I still have bad days. I'm just doing the best I can.
I worked and commuted for 18 years straight at a stressful engineering career in a specialized field. There is no other opportunity to find work in this field within several states of where we live. I am basically looking at starting completely over in a career in a different field of work when I do find something I am suited for. We live in a small town- we do not live in an area of the country where engineering jobs become available often. I have friends and aquaintances watching all the likely places where a job may come available, and check into leads on jobs that sound suitable. So far, after a year nothing has appeared that I am a good fit for.
My family owns timber land and we have cut a substantial amount of timber this year, so we are comfortable right now with money- not 'wife quit your job' comfortable- but we could go a couple of years like we are, supplementing my wife's salary with the timber proceeds. All of our debt is payed off now, except for the mortgage.
I have been taking care of our children, handling all school duties for them, keeping them fulltime right now, all of the shopping, doctor & dentist appts, all of the cooking, cleaning, much of the laundry, keeping an acre yard, all of the maintenance, keeping up a rental property that we own, and taking care of many animals that our family has- 9 cats, 3 dogs, rabbits, turtles, and several fish aquariums, and also taking care of my wife's elderly mother at times- buying her groceries, Dr appointments, ER visits in the middle of the night, helping her keep her living area clean. My wife studys for her degree much of the time, and I have to keep the kids entertained and give her peace and quiet. She is also trying to lose weight, and spends a large amount of time on the treadmill. I swear that I am doing all I can, but its more than one person can manage- its a large house, and its a ton of work to keep things straight with the kids and animals constantly making messes. Her attitude is since I am not working a job, the house should be spotless. Wife complains about everything I do. Seems I can do nothing right. If I try to do one thing for myself, hobbies, interests, friends, she attacks me with 'why aren't you looking for a job instead?'.
My wife claims I am not "holding up my end of the marriage" because I haven't taken just any old job to try to help ends meet. I have brought into our household this year around double what my yearly salary was between my mothers inheritance, and the timber cutting. She claims I'm not trying to find a job, and its embaressing to her. How the hell can I, doing what I'm doing? It's not that simple, because if I'm not doing all this stuff I'm doing, it has to get done somehow. If we put the kids in daycare, and I take a lower paying job, then much of what I make will go straight to paying daycare, and everything else I am doing will still have to be done somehow, and strangers will be raising our kids. I do not intend for this situation to be long term. Doing what I'm doing until I can find a GOOD job just makes the most sense to me. I AM looking for a job, just haven't found one yet.
Before I was layed off, we both commuted, logistics with getting the kids to school were strained, we argued about housework, we were living paycheck to paycheck- lots of debt, lots of stress- lots of issues that contributed to us drifting apart and making her affair possible. The affair was with a new younger boss that was transferred in from another location. They worked long hours together, lunched together and traveled together. She was literally spending more time with him than me because of work. She made bad choices and they fell into an affair. Never in the fifteen years I have known my wife have we ever had any of these kind of problems. She's the last person I ever would have expected this from. By the time I started noticing signs, it had been going on about 8 months. She claimed she felt like I didn't love her anymore. Uh, no, I was busy while life was beating the **** out of me, and she decides the answer is to bang another man. The OM was feeding her his line of **** and she fell hard for it. He is single, and much younger than me. There is no other spouse for me to expose the affair to. He lives over an hour away. As much as I wanted to, I never confronted the guy.
Now, when we are supposed to be reconciling, 11 months after D-day, she has cut me off emotionally and sexually, claiming its because I have not taken a job yet, and she's just acting squirrelly about our future- just will not have meaningful conversations about our issues. All she wants to do is turn anything I say around to talking about me not having a job yet. Yes, she wants to rugsweep. Much of our problem now is because I check up on her and refuse to let her rugsweep. She refuses any type of counseling- doesn't believe in it.
My question- is my not finding a job by now, given our situation, something that she has a right to feel is a marriage dealbreaker? Or does it point more towards her and OM starting the affair back up underground? Or maybe she just wants out, but can't say so? I feel like I don't have a leg to stand on because of how she views the job situation. I am struggling with feeling she is not 'all in' the reconciliation- especially lately since she is more distant. Any thoughts?
Much has happened in the last few years- my elderly mother became terminally ill and passed away. We had a unplanned pregnancy and miscarriage. My professional career of 18 years became jepardized- company I worked for was failing- caused me a lot of stress and ended up with me being layed off due to downsizing. Shortly after being layed off I discovered by reading text messages that my wife was involved with her boss at her workplace, and had been in a physical affair for much of the preceding year. The affair was primarily conducted in Hotels during business travel, but also in the office where they worked. She trickle truthed me for about a week- then finally admitted to the affair, gave me details, complete transparency, does not travel with OM any more, does not work late, does not spend any time alone with him anymore.
But, since I am out of work, and we must have her salary to survive, she still works at the same job. She is in administration and makes a good salary. I did not expose the affair to our families or her workplace, as we need her job and insurance. We went through a period of hysterical bonding after the affair- sometimes having sex multiple times day for a couple of months. Now, a few more months down the road sex has fallen off again. She swears that the affair is over. I see no evidence suggesting the affair is continuing, however she still works in close contact with her AP and they must communicate on business matters.
She claims when pressed on the matter, that she is just not in a place mentally where sex is a priority. She is close to finishing getting her MBA. She claims that I have not been searching for a job, and that is showing her that she and our family's future does not matter to me. That could not be farther from the truth. I literally feel her pulling back away from me. She has now cut off intimacy and gives me every excuse in the book to avoid sex, but claims she wants to save the marriage, and that she still loves me and wants us to make it.
I have had depression with all that's happened, and been taking meds for depression and occasionally sleep aids as I have had much trouble sleeping since D-day. Now, 11 months out, I am feeling much better, but my esteem has taken a helluva beating and I still have bad days. I'm just doing the best I can.
I worked and commuted for 18 years straight at a stressful engineering career in a specialized field. There is no other opportunity to find work in this field within several states of where we live. I am basically looking at starting completely over in a career in a different field of work when I do find something I am suited for. We live in a small town- we do not live in an area of the country where engineering jobs become available often. I have friends and aquaintances watching all the likely places where a job may come available, and check into leads on jobs that sound suitable. So far, after a year nothing has appeared that I am a good fit for.
My family owns timber land and we have cut a substantial amount of timber this year, so we are comfortable right now with money- not 'wife quit your job' comfortable- but we could go a couple of years like we are, supplementing my wife's salary with the timber proceeds. All of our debt is payed off now, except for the mortgage.
I have been taking care of our children, handling all school duties for them, keeping them fulltime right now, all of the shopping, doctor & dentist appts, all of the cooking, cleaning, much of the laundry, keeping an acre yard, all of the maintenance, keeping up a rental property that we own, and taking care of many animals that our family has- 9 cats, 3 dogs, rabbits, turtles, and several fish aquariums, and also taking care of my wife's elderly mother at times- buying her groceries, Dr appointments, ER visits in the middle of the night, helping her keep her living area clean. My wife studys for her degree much of the time, and I have to keep the kids entertained and give her peace and quiet. She is also trying to lose weight, and spends a large amount of time on the treadmill. I swear that I am doing all I can, but its more than one person can manage- its a large house, and its a ton of work to keep things straight with the kids and animals constantly making messes. Her attitude is since I am not working a job, the house should be spotless. Wife complains about everything I do. Seems I can do nothing right. If I try to do one thing for myself, hobbies, interests, friends, she attacks me with 'why aren't you looking for a job instead?'.
My wife claims I am not "holding up my end of the marriage" because I haven't taken just any old job to try to help ends meet. I have brought into our household this year around double what my yearly salary was between my mothers inheritance, and the timber cutting. She claims I'm not trying to find a job, and its embaressing to her. How the hell can I, doing what I'm doing? It's not that simple, because if I'm not doing all this stuff I'm doing, it has to get done somehow. If we put the kids in daycare, and I take a lower paying job, then much of what I make will go straight to paying daycare, and everything else I am doing will still have to be done somehow, and strangers will be raising our kids. I do not intend for this situation to be long term. Doing what I'm doing until I can find a GOOD job just makes the most sense to me. I AM looking for a job, just haven't found one yet.
Before I was layed off, we both commuted, logistics with getting the kids to school were strained, we argued about housework, we were living paycheck to paycheck- lots of debt, lots of stress- lots of issues that contributed to us drifting apart and making her affair possible. The affair was with a new younger boss that was transferred in from another location. They worked long hours together, lunched together and traveled together. She was literally spending more time with him than me because of work. She made bad choices and they fell into an affair. Never in the fifteen years I have known my wife have we ever had any of these kind of problems. She's the last person I ever would have expected this from. By the time I started noticing signs, it had been going on about 8 months. She claimed she felt like I didn't love her anymore. Uh, no, I was busy while life was beating the **** out of me, and she decides the answer is to bang another man. The OM was feeding her his line of **** and she fell hard for it. He is single, and much younger than me. There is no other spouse for me to expose the affair to. He lives over an hour away. As much as I wanted to, I never confronted the guy.
Now, when we are supposed to be reconciling, 11 months after D-day, she has cut me off emotionally and sexually, claiming its because I have not taken a job yet, and she's just acting squirrelly about our future- just will not have meaningful conversations about our issues. All she wants to do is turn anything I say around to talking about me not having a job yet. Yes, she wants to rugsweep. Much of our problem now is because I check up on her and refuse to let her rugsweep. She refuses any type of counseling- doesn't believe in it.
My question- is my not finding a job by now, given our situation, something that she has a right to feel is a marriage dealbreaker? Or does it point more towards her and OM starting the affair back up underground? Or maybe she just wants out, but can't say so? I feel like I don't have a leg to stand on because of how she views the job situation. I am struggling with feeling she is not 'all in' the reconciliation- especially lately since she is more distant. Any thoughts?