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speaking with OM

47K views 165 replies 47 participants last post by  MattMatt 
#1 ·
Posters,

Two decades ago my W was in a relationship with a coworker, this was about a year before we married, but we were had never broken up and I consider it the same as adultery.

I have an opportunity to speak with OM coming up and I would like to get some ideas about how to start the subject with OM so that he is likely to talk.

1) "can you do me a favor/kindness and tell me your side of the story"

2) Tell OM that my W confessed and I want to see what he has to say, if the number of times etc line up with his story. I'm not too keen on this as it is a lie my W refuses to talk about it.

3) Offer the OM money to talk, again not too keen since people will lie for money.

Thank You
Tamat
 
#2 · (Edited)
Your plan is to quiz a guy about something that happened 20 years ago?

What is the point now? Why are you still with your wife if you don't believe her? What do you think will even come of this?

Help me understand the motivation?

Has this been just burning at you for the last 20 years? If that is really the case...why not just move on
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#19 ·
Married Dude,

I suppose if I went back in time and know what I know now, I would not have married my W after this happened, as our love life was never the same afterward.

Why am I still with my W, well kids, finances, I never fell out of love with my W, didn't have any emotional or physical affairs on her. After my W fell in love with OM I really thought I could bring her back to me. At the time I did not understand how powerful the emotional bonds created during an affair are.

It did not burn in me for 20 years, it more like simmered, I had bad dreams about it, the kind that would disturb you for hours after. I never really trusted her, would binge eat when she left me alone in the house.

My W and I meeting OM a few years ago triggered this.

Tamat
 
#8 ·
Here's an opening:

"I need to talk to you about the "affair" you had more than 20 years with my now wife. I know this makes me look like a stupid insecure fool but if you would be so kind."
Pretty much sums it up.
 
#10 ·
I am, or was, in the same situation as you. I "just" found out on D-day (2 1/2 years ago) that my WW also had a very LTA in the late 80's with a co-worker, we had been married 7 years at the time and our son was 5. I know who the exOM was and have seen him come into my work a number of times. I thought real, real hard about confronting him but I never did. I mean what is the point? He was 18 at the time and now he's in his mid 40's. What's he going tell me that I don't already know? I've got more recent, and more important things to worry about.

Now do wish I could go back in time and kick his 18 year old ass a few time? Yes, but know that ain't going to happen, but one can dream. That was last century dude, I'd just suck it up and let it go.
 
#42 ·
I am, or was, in the same situation as you. I "just" found out on D-day (2 1/2 years ago) that my WW also had a very LTA in the late 80's with a co-worker, we had been married 7 years at the time and our son was 5. I know who the exOM was and have seen him come into my work a number of times. I thought real, real hard about confronting him but I never did. I mean what is the point? H.
Doesn't seeing the OM trigger you back to day 1, and how close does the OM live to you and especially your WW, does your WW even run into OM accidentally? Are your children at the same schools or sports teams.

It also sounds like you have most of the details about your WWs affair.

Tamat
 
#11 ·
OP,
I fail to see what you hope to gain/gleen from this encounter. The OP is occupying an important place in your thoughts and emotions for something that is 20 years old. If, after all of this time has passed, you still hold on to this with such fervor as to want to approach the OM then you are certainly not healed and must have had a rough 20 years. If your wife of 20 years will not truthfully convey the events as they were, then why would you think he would?

I would not elevate the OM to such a place of importance by handing him this scepter. He should be nothing more than an insignificant bad memory at this point not worthy of your time and thoughts. Let it go or let her go.
 
#43 ·
OP,
I fail to see what you hope to gain/gleen from this encounter. The OP is occupying an important place in your thoughts and emotions for something that is 20 years old. If, after all of this time has passed, you still hold on to this with such fervor as to want to approach the OM then you are certainly not healed and must have had a rough 20 years. If your wife of 20 years will not truthfully convey the events as they were, then why would you think he would?
NoChoice,

It's not so much that he will tell me all the truth, but even if he lies there will be some element of truth in it, and his body language will say something. My speaking with OM may be the spur to get my W to talk. If OM claims to have had sex 10 times with my W perhaps my W will cop to twice. It sort like the way cops talk to suspects in isolation.

Any info. if good info. as they say at google "more data is better data"

Tamat
 
#44 ·
OP, please provide more information.
Working Dad

When did you find out?

When her affair with OM ended, at least that's what I surmise.

How did you find out? My W came to me crying that she would never have feeling for me ever again, I had to guess what the issue was

Have you and or your wife tried counseling?

NO

Why does she refuse to answer questions?

She is quite embarrassed / ashamed and has an enormous problem in admitting fault. She took decades to tell me about a man who fondled her breasts before she even met me, for years the story was that he had just kissed her. Now that is a story I didn't even care about imagine how much less my W wants to tell me about OM.

Did you know about this before you married her?

Yes but I did not see it as an affair, I didn't know what it was, except it killed my soul.

Whatever you do, don't give him a freaking cent of your money. That is an awful idea.
 
#13 ·
I'm not wild about #1 & #2. But will hold judgment on those until you provide more info. For example how did you find out about the relationship? When did you find out?

What is the circumstance when you will get a chance to talk to this guy?

But #3 is a horrible idea. Yes people will lie for money. Is this guy a skid row bum who needs money? Is that why you think that paying him is a good idea.

Also keep in mind that people lie even when they are not paid to talk. People have all kinds of motives. You will have no idea if what he tells you is the truth. But you can be sure that it will fit his motives and be said to show that he's better than you and/or that he's a saint and your now wife seduced him. It's very unlikely that you will get any truth out of this guy.
 
#14 ·
I, too, am curious what it is you wish to accomplish by talking to OM.

Was he married at the time of the affair?
Did he know your gf/fiance was in a serious relationship at the time?
If so, did he know it was you?
What kind of discussion did you have with her at that time about the affair?

I would expect he will lie or minimize about the affair.
 
#45 ·
I, too, am curious what it is you wish to accomplish by talking to OM.

Thor,

Was he married at the time of the affair?

No I believe he had dumped his GF1 for my GF/now W, and in turn dumped my GF/now W for GF2 who he is still married to.

Did he know your gf/fiance was in a serious relationship at the time?
If so, did he know it was you?

Yes he did, I was also a coworker of OM before the affair. One of the sick details from that time is that my W and I and OM went to a a restaurant together on a date.

What kind of discussion did you have with her at that time about the affair?

Virtually nothing I went back to work, worked longer hours, stuck my head in the sand.

I would expect he will lie or minimize about the affair.
 
#16 ·
Timing is everything ~ but now is not the time! You had your opportunity years ago when it actually was an issue but now there is a marked presumption that despite its occurrence, peace has now and long heretofore existed!

It's a tad too late to make an issue of it now!
 
#24 ·
Do you know everything about that affair? Why did you meet with OM a few years ago? Who is wanting to meet with OM now and a few years ago? Does your wife feel remorse and regret for the affair? Did she help you heal by being transparent, no contact, and honest?

I guess I'm at a loss as to why she would even want to speak with him. Why you would want to see them together. Just my opinion but I see this as playing with fire, and you are the one to be burned.
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#49 ·
Do you know everything about that affair?

Drifting On,

Why did you meet with OM a few years ago?

The timeline is..

About 10 years ago Myself and family, ran into OM/family, OM acted very strangely didn't want me to see his children protective body language, my W on the other hand was very excited. Brought the memories really back to life.

A few years ago ran in OM with my W at an event, I actually knew he would be there, so it was planned, OM immediately called out my Ws name and hugged her as he didn't know I was there. Good data point. W denies anything happened that night, even denies things W had already told me.


Who is wanting to meet with OM now and a few years ago?

Me not my W, to my knowledge W never contacted OM on her own, although W did continue to work with OM early on in our marriage.

Does your wife feel remorse and regret for the affair? Did she help you heal by being transparent, no contact, and honest?

No when W even speaks of that time the same justification she felt at that time come through, tells me I was so lucky she did not stay with OM etc.

I guess I'm at a loss as to why she would even want to speak with him. Why you would want to see them together. Just my opinion but I see this as playing with fire, and you are the one to be burned.
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The ugliest truth is better than the most well phrased and spoken lie.
 
#28 ·
Eh... unless you suspect that they have reconnected in any way in more recent years, or is now a potential threat to your marriage, then I would leave well enough alone. I just don't think it'd be work the newfound heartache and stress.
 
#29 ·
OK,

there is NOTHING to be gained by speaking with, seeing, or even thinking about an OM who was 18 years old and had something with your then girlfriend. Quit wasting energy and poisoning your life with thoughts of the OM and get into therapy. Quite frankly, you knew about this before you married your wife and IMHO have no basis for ANY resentment at all.

IMHO you have a real problem and it isn't your wife or the OM. Start working on yourself.
 
#31 ·
Like others have said, I would let this go.

I was engaged to another man before I married my Ex Husband, it was a little over 20 years ago. I can barely remember much about him, or the relationship, and I have a pretty good memory. If his wife were to contact me and ask me questions I really can't imagine I'd be able to give her much info.
 
#32 · (Edited)
Your delayed reaction is more common than you would think.

LOOK HERE:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/179898-will-i-forever-think-her-my-wife-cheated.html

You just put one foot in front of the other and continued in the direction you were already going. People in shock tend to put unpleasant things out of their mind and go with the flow. Your future wife was more than happy that you seemed to let it go.

You want your wife to admit what she did and show remorse. She dodged that bullet 20 years and will not let you take another shot at her unless she’s forced. The leverage you had was to not marry her and now the only leverage you have is to threaten to divorce her.

Your wife doesn’t want to live the rest of her life with embarrassment and guilt if she can avoid it. She also doesn’t want to put you in a position of power over her. She got away with it and there is no way she’s going to revisit the subject without a fight. She has nothing to gain and can only lose.

Believe me; I understand your need to set the record straight. But is the juice worth the squeeze? How is your marriage otherwise? Would you really rather live alone than to be with her? I think it’s best to accept the fact that you screwed up 20 years ago when you didn’t pin her down before marriage. That opportunity is gone forever. Think of what you’ve gained over the last 20 years.
 
#37 ·
Are you looking for a reason to Divorce your wife?
What done is done. If relations between you and your wife are healthy, why bring skeletons from the closet?
Sometimes it is better to leave past, well in past.
This. They don't seem to be in contact. But it seems the OP has sort of been stalking the OM.

She bore you kids. She doesn't seem to have cheated again (but then again the OP has been very vague as to not give too many specifics about their current situation) Actually he seems to have been very vague in general.

Why now? 20 years ago. I'm not usually one for saying let it go but unless she's been in contact with him again then simple why now?

More details and less vagueness.
 
#36 · (Edited)
Unless she has reconnected with him recently, or started another affair, or even if you are just plain old looking for a simple excuse to leave her, think of this:

In the end, she married you, not him.
Your children say "Dad" to you, not him.
She said goodnight to you every night, not him.
She woke up every morning to you, not him.
She was (hopefully) a good wife to you, not him.
She took your name, not his.
She made 20 years of memories with you, not him.
She stayed through good and bad with you, not him.
She stuck out the stormy weather with you, not him.

She is your wife, not his...

...enjoy her.
 
#38 ·
IMO, these points are not very strong if the OM didn't want a future with his wife and then the wife settled for her current husband. However, I definitely agree that meeting the OM now is a very bad idea. If the marriage has not been satisfying for many years, then the marriage should end based on its own lack of merits.
 
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