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#1 Condition Present when Infidelity Occurs

12K views 83 replies 37 participants last post by  Nomorebeans 
#1 ·
Although never an excuse for why affairs occur, what was the number one condition present (that may have contributed) when your Spouse cheated? I suppose number one is always "intent to cheat", so maybe I should be asking for number two.

Some common conditions present that I have noted when reading this forum:

1 Being apart for some period of time
2 Toxic friends
3 Alcohol or other substance abuse
4 Sex addiction
5 Escape from daily grind (spouse, kids, homelife, bills, etc)
6 Getting older (turning 30, 40, etc)
7 Co-workers
8 Kids grown and out of the house

For my situation, Toxic Friends was number one and that condition has been permanently removed from our marriage going forward.
 
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#11 ·
Good evening
from the other side, the reason I seriously considered cheating:

Wife would very rarely agree to sex with me, and when she did she was very selfish in bed, only doing what she wanted, and then expecting me to appreciate that she was willing to do anything at all.

btw - this is much much better now - things are very good.
 
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#28 ·
Not meaning to be hateful, here. Yes, there are often problems in the marriage before a cheater cheats. But there are problems in lots of marriages such that the parties go their separate ways without someone else being involved. The difference between choosing to leave honorably without cheating first or cheating and then leaving when you get caught is the capability to feel empathy. Or total lack thereof.

I used to think it was as simple as cheaters lacking moral character. And it's true - they do. But where does that come from? Again, I'm gonna go with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Now, if the OP had asked simply what is the #1 condition present in marriages headed for divorce, then I'd agree with the two you mentioned. Financial strain is statistically a big one, too.
 
#22 ·
How about arrogance?

How many times have we read about a WS who believed that she/he was not the cheating kind and could be friends with a member of the opposite sex while breaking every marital boundary in the book? They then act surprised that they got into an affair saying "I've always hated cheaters so I don't know how I could have cheated on my spouse."
 
#23 ·
Lack of a moral/religious compass, and willfully or evasively failing to remember any of the verbiage of the marital vows pledged to their spouse!

Not to worry ~ I would hope that they'll get their unfettered opportunity to personally explain it all to God one day!
 
#29 ·
In my H case, being young and foolish, lack of committment, alcohol and self centred ness and not realising the terrible damage infidelity causes.
I think he has cheated since - no actual evidence (gut feelings) and if that is the case due to disconnect/arguments over not wanting the same things.
 
#33 · (Edited)
"What would be the communication, "I don't like you anymore so I want to go out and bang some chicks"

No....just not communicating about the ordinary downs, rough patches, etc., that can lead to distance.

Most M's go through this and the majority of people never react by turning into a POS. (if you count the faithful couples and the loyal BS's, it is actually a fairly large majority of people who are not disgusting traitors)

But it seems, if you are unfortunate enough to be M to a selfish a** who lacks character and morals....they turn this period of time into an excuse to become a total scumbag.
 
#36 · (Edited)
Although never an excuse for why affairs occur, what was the number one condition present (that may have contributed) when your Spouse cheated? I suppose number one is always "intent to cheat", so maybe I should be asking for number two.

Some common conditions present that I have noted when reading this forum:

1 Being apart for some period of time
2 Toxic friends
3 Alcohol or other substance abuse
4 Sex addiction
5 Escape from daily grind (spouse, kids, homelife, bills, etc)
6 Getting older (turning 30, 40, etc)
7 Co-workers
8 Kids grown and out of the house

For my situation, Toxic Friends was number one and that condition has been permanently removed from our marriage going forward.
Only one answer here and you did not list it: The willingness to betray.

Your list 1-8 are things to take up with your spouse, not to go find a lover with.
Your answer is definitely "spot on," but I think that it goes hand in hand with my earlier reply regarding one possessing an internal religious/moral compass not to ever entertain being a participant in any random act of cheating.

Sure, as a male whose hormones may rage from time to time, more especially when I see a beautiful, intelligent woman who might picque my interest, if I should either see a ring on her finger or come to have knowledge that she is married, then she is instantly "off-limits"; knowing full-well that advances to her might well be detrimental to my existing relationship and vows to my own spouse and family, but more importantly to her spouse and family.

Largely keeping in mind the final admonition of the standard wedding vows which says, "What God has joined together, let no man put asunder!"

I personally cannot fully comprehend what "a player" has in mind when he sees an attractive woman or man, and then makes it their appointed objective to do whatever it takes to get their pants off and to start having seeds planted.

From my perspective, when I see a married woman out there, I just see her as being within the holy bonds of a marriage contract that I have the utmost respect for, knowing deep within my own heart that if I, in any way, was responsible for their straying from their appointed vows and into the act of betrayal, of all the innocent people that would come to be so very hurt by that act.

Despite the age old "id" defense mechanism used by so many unconscionable men, as well as women, that "a hard pelvic appendage hath no conscience!"
 
#37 ·
I think the only condition we can be sure of is that base human nature overcame social and ethical conditioning.
 
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