As I've attempted R (now DDay+58 days) I have chosen not to expose to family & friends - but did to OM's wife. I am comfortable with both decisions, and still say that you have to do what is comfortable and right for you. Forums like this can help you collect inputs to help you make decisions -- not make decisions for you.
That said, I *do* think you're being too patient/soft in dealing with her. Not being an azz, but in standing up for your marriage. NOT demanding NC as a first step is being a doormat, sorry. if she can't/won't commit to stopping things with him - regardless of her "feelings"* (which I'm sorry, they do not have any place in your marriage) - then why would you commit to being there for her if & when she decides she's had enough of the OM? The fact that there are "feelings" involved is EXACTLY why you need to be insisting on NC, in a way you've approved of. It's taking away the crack pipe and the crack from the addict. Leaving the dope in the back room and saying 'don't go in the back room where the crack is' does not make for a successful strategy...
Beyond NC should also be full transparency into email/FB/chat/cellphone... I'm sure this will feel too aggressive to you as well, but there is every reason for you to have it, and absolutely NO reason for you not to have it.
You could gently as your wife to stop contacting the OM and very gently tell her how much her continuing to love him is hurting you. BUT you should not be a nag about it, maybe you could gently remind her once every two weeks, that way it doesn't look like you're pressuring her to make a decision that would make her feel bad.
If after 6 months have passed and she is still in contact with OM, you could always turn on the water works and beg and plead, preferably on your knees because it makes you appear less threatening. Now this is the last straw and it always works and will make her see the error of her ways and she will respect you and love you more.
maybe negotiate with the OM for joint custody of your wife?
or at least he should be responsible for wife support of some sort? Unfair he gets primary custody of her heart and attention while you babysit, pay the bills and do all the work?
I guess the sarcasm on board is confusing me......I thought you said the affair is over and she is having no contact with the other man now? And she has taken the passwords off her blackberry and you freely look at it? If those things are accurate, it is progress.
She has told me the affair is over and contact has ceased.
She has removed her BBerry password. I am free to look at it. I don't have the password to her e-mail. I am hoping this will provided soon.
We are in marriage counselling and its going well.
She has/had strong feelings for OM and is in the process of grieving/getting over him.
I am trying to incorporate this into our reconciliation.
In our last session she said she was close to being completely over OM.
I am angry at what has happened and at her and there is a lot still to do. I think I will give her another few weeks and start to take a harder approach as far as what I need to fully regain trust.
She is quite a direct and frank person and generally doesn't lie (of course people will point out the affair). It was more honest I think for her to say she does have strong feelings for this guy and needs to get over him as opposed to on day 1 saying its over and then getting a secret e-mail account etc.
This was very hard to hear. I would have much prefered it to have been a meaningless one night stand.
Doormat route for 4 years failed miserably for me. Just gave him time to plan his exit his way.
It's your life, your marriage. You have to do it the way you see fit. But A LOT of us began as understanding, forgiving, all those great traits you are showing.
Maybe get a copy of the vows you actually spoke or agreed to from your clergyman, and take that with you to counseling. Then the 3 of you can discuss what they mean, and if BOTH of you are still committed to them all. Just an idea. Good luck.
She has/had strong feelings for OM and is in the process of grieving/getting over him.
I am trying to incorporate this into our reconciliation.
I tried that too at one point, I don't recall posting it or not. But after she was clearly going through the 2nd bout of withdraw (went through it once, she broke NC then 2nd attempt at NC started a week or so later... (yeah there was a 3rd too)) but anyway while she was suffering through 2nd withdraw I tried to be caring and understanding about her pain... I even bought her flowers & took them to her at her work saying "I'm sorry your in so much pain"....
Well that turned out to be disasterous. It would just be speculating to say that my weakness was the reason she broke NC again after that. No way to know, she may have done it anyway... BUt she was trying to resist her "drug", I think. I don't think I helped her resolve by showing weakness. Anyway... Trying to incorporate her withdraw recovery into our marriage recovery was a HUGE mistake.
I do thoroughly believe that a stronger stance and fear of consequences/reprocussions to breaking NC may have been the tiny difference when she was faced with the decision to do it or not do it.. This applies when there is a very thin line between calling the OM or not... in those spots of weakness (which they will have a lot of) just a sliver can make the decision to do it or not... and knowing that "I was understanding" and empathatic to her pain gave her no real fear of consequences and may have tipped the scales just enough to break her will to resist contacting him...
this may sound odd... but think of it in the abstract....
Your DS is a child.
They need us to be strong. They need us to be solid. Someone faced with an addiction recovery is very similiar to a child (in so many ways it's creepy at times) and they have the same basic needs as a child needs from their parent. It's not about being their friends, It's about being strong, setting clear expectations and boundries. Giving them a sense of security and a clear framework decision making and consequences. They are lost.
So, I've posted in other forums about how I got where I am now. I've done about half of the steps in the 180 and not done half. The result, we've got a half-assed R. (She's not cheating, but we're not bonding very well and only on her terms.)
She continued to break NC until I asked for a divorce. She asked to R. She didn't follow through with the intimacy. I haven't threatened D again. Result: we're cohabitating, co-parenting, getting along, and she's not cheating, but there's no love.
I wouldn't recommend my approach.
I'm trying to get the nerve up to say "I know longer really care. Finish the rest of what I asked for or we're done".
That's what I should have done 2 years ago at D-Day or 1 year ago when I finally threatened D. Whether it works or not, I need to do it for me. However, it's so easy to realize it's good advice and to recommend it to others. It's so hard to do. I'll get there though.
I read the detailed description of the 180 and I am doing (not deliberately) many of those things.
I did say to her that I often think about separation which seemed to surprise her and she said: "I can't imagine us not together".
I am communicating a lot less during the day, giving her time and space and the result seems to be she is calling me more and communicating more.
I am doing more things outside the marriage in terms of activities and I am working on myself.
I discovered the affair vs she disclosed it. She said she didn't want to hurt me and our family. If I'm being perfectly honest, I would probably have handled it the same way.
From here, lying is more of a deal-breaker. My position is that if I discover anything else or she is lying, we're done. She knows that.
I am not clinging to this marriage at all costs. I want things to work but I need to be happy too.
I can guarandamtee that if things are the same 2 years out I won't be in the marriage.
My single biggest issue right now is regaining trust in my wife. This will probably be an issue for a long time.
I don't want to share her in any way with anyone else and don't plan to.
What sucks is I feel like her best friend waiting for her to get over someone so we can date and I shouldn't have to I'm her f'ing husband.
I am nice but not a total doormat (just 3/4 doormat LOL)
You 'hope' to have her email password 'soon'...
...and you don't want to share her in any way, but will stand aside as she 'gets over' missing her OM (that she didn't tell you about because she didn't want to hurt you).
I am all for you doing things your own way, and respect it, but I do think you've got to work on the spine you think you are showing. You said it yourself, you're waiting for her. And as long as she knows that, your feelings don't matter nearly as much. THAT is the issue here. You're not equals. She's in charge, despite your empty threat to separate.
My wife was deep into a couple of EA's for a long time, which she - naturally - didn't see as affairs, and I was still some time away from having even heard of the concept of an "emotional affair," so I went about things with a (far too) mellow approach. By the time she moved forward to a PA a year ago (with yet another person), I was struck so numb that, while I meant everything I said about potential consequences, there were so many balls being juggled in the air that I was overwhelmed, and chose to deal with the PA as the "immediate threat" and then deal with the EA's later. Many here - understandably so - questioned my wisdom in doing so. One o the EA's took care of itself...it was a lesbian friend of ours that my W had a crush on. (It was W's disclosure of the PA to her that led to me discovering it.) To mitigate some of her wrongdoing, my W fudged some of the details about the physical encounter, to make it seem less than 100% consentual, and on learning the truth - and upon realizing just how wrapped up in their own relationship my W was - this woman broke all contact with my W.
We began to work on reconciling. W claimed to finally see the damage the OM from her other EA was doing to us, and broke contact...but only took it further underground. I found out a mere handful of days before our first (and long overdue) MC session. Gave her an opportunity the night before the session to let me know if he'd "tried contacting her" and she said he hadn't. At MC the next day, I dropped copies of their emails in her lap. Literally. She agreed to formal NC with him, and to true transparency with me. Finally, in April, I discovered she'd been destiny with yet another guy and her PA partner.
I was ready to walk out the door. Texted her that I was Fallon in sick to work, canceling our MC session scheduled for the next day, and finding a lawyer. She rushed home from work, and instead of being numb, I was in a white hot rage...where I probably should have been last year. After a lot of yelling and screaming, my making the addiction analogy got her to sit down at the computer and start researching. She/we determined that her behavior fits the criteria of a sex and love addict. She found a Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous group in our area and started attending meetings. It's made a world of difference. We've still go a lot of hard work ahead of us, but we're getting better. She's on her last chance - many here would say, and I can understand their POV, that I've given her too many already - and she knows it.
What I'm getting at is that, I can understand the instinct to use kid gloves in a sensitive situation like this. But, it wasn't until I reached that tipping point...let my anger show along with the hurt that she'd seen...made her believe that, as the saying goes, I was mad as hell and wasn't going to take it anymore, that she actually took it to heart.
I'm not trying to say you need to throw a temper tantrum if you don't feel it. But don't hide the anger just because you want to avoid conflict.
If you feel it, tell her: I'm mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore! Posted via Mobile Device
"I am nice but not a total doormat (just 3/4 doormat LOL)"- A doormat is a doormat, bro. Or do you only consider wiping your feet off only on the corners so the WELCOME sign is still legible.
There's no script to follow when it comes to infidelity. You do what's best for you.
Re: Another Perspective 
seriously though, i wish i could be so patient and tolerant with my H sometimes. hope it works for you.
