As I review many of the posts on this site, it is clear that there is a lot of conventional wisdom on how to handle spousal affairs.
A lot of the advice didn't feel natural for me (I am definitely a nice guy).
I wanted to update my situation about 2 months after D Day.
I never came out with my guns blazing when I discovered my wife's affair. I was shocked and hurt but I knew pretty much right away that I wanted to work things out.
Was it our many years (11) of marriage and history ? 3 kids ? fear of change ? I'm not sure but I knew in my gut this is what I ultimately wanted.
Many nights I fantasized about separation, being with someone new etc. But these feelings faded with time...
I recognized that my wife did have very strong feelings for OM (himself married with kids living in a different city).
I know where he lives, works, his wife's name etc. but never contacted anyone.
I believed that my wife would need some time to get over this guy but was ultimately committed to our marriage and kids.
I did not take a Draconian stance on her communications/e-mails etc. She needed time...
We got into marriage counselling and I focused on trying to improve our marriage (I can control these things not her feelings).
I thought if she leaves me, she leaves me but in my gut, at the end of the day, I didn't believe this would happen.
First 4-5 weeks were very hard, a lot of distance between us... I wondered why she didn't try more to make things up and seemed so distant. She said she was not sure how to approach me and felt terrible for hurting me.
I did work on letting go, not communicating as often etc. and the results were instantaneous.
The counsellor has been very good, non-judgemental and we are both really benefitting from this process.
This has been a wake-up call and I am definitely more engaged in her and our marriage than before.
We are starting to turn the corner and I see very good things ahead.
I am not responsible for the affair and I don't condone what she has done nor will I ever forget it.
Many people might blast my approach,call me stupid,naive, I don't really care.
For me this approach has worked and she is starting to talk about OM,closure etc. which tells me it has gone from something they had outside of our mge to something within it.
I am pretty sure we are going to be OK.
For those of you a little less militant in your views, I want to say that sometimes a softer approach can work.
Men tend to have affairs for sex and women for love. This one approach fits all doesn't seem to be the way to go in my opinion.
We are not out of the woods yet but we and I have come a hell of a long way from DDay...
First, congratulations for doing what you felt is right for you and your situation. There is no one size fits all answer. Everyone's unique with unique backgrounds. We all need to do what works for us.
Some folks here could not do what you've done, and that's OK too.
Oh really? So how do you know for certain that the A is over? How do you know if she is still in contact with her OM? How do you know that she has not simply taken the A underground? And what consequences have you laid out to ensure that she does not do this again?
Yes, as you say, you're not out of the woods yet, not by a long shot. You're only 2 months from DDay. You say the softer approach can work, yet you haven't even made it to R yet. But since you don't care, that's fine. I haven't read a successful R story yet where the BS hasn't been firm. See land2634's thread.
All you're setting yourself up for is False R. She isn't learning a thing and she knows there are no real consequences for this A. Maybe you'll wake up once you realize that she's still in the A with her OM, or when she goes out and f*cks OM#2, OM#3, OM#4, etc.
I agree that in recovery 1 size does not fit all. Depends on the people involved and their willingness to do the right thing. Also depends on just how bad the marrige was. If the WS does not want back in, or really would rather be with the affair partner, then you don't stand a chance.
You cannot force someone to come back to you after an affair.
I feel like if I had been a d1ck to my wife after the affair she would have left. Because I was a d1ck before the affair. I had to make a change for the better and let her know that I loved her and wanted to be with her.
Call me a doormat if you like. I wanted her and I got her back. And I feel very confortable that we are going to be fine now.
But.....if it happens again. I'm not ever going through this again.
I won't put up with another affair either and my wife knows that.
I have taken off my wedding ring and given it back to her saying when you are ready and you have just me in our heart give it back.
Over time I will be more vigilant in looking at information communication etc. (She did take off BBerry password and I do periodically pick it up and look).
I am simply thinking that for her some time for closure is needed. This does not mean I will put my hand in the sand for the rest of our marriage.
Ok, I get it. She's just starting to talk to her OM about getting closure. So as long as she's still in contact with her OM, the affair is still ongoing, just talking as far as you know.
Or maybe they are talking about taking the A underground and waiting for the dust to settle, huh? At first I thought you were a year out from DDay, then I saw you were only 2 months out. So you hope to successfully wean her gradually from her OM?
I totaly dig what you wrote about her bring the affair from out of the marriage and into it.
For me that made alot of sence. It worked for us, granted the details were hard to swollow, but as long as I stayed calm and just listened the more info I got and it just seemed like it was the right direction we needed to go.
The more comfortable my wife became talking about her affairs the easier it was to talk about for her, and that is one important thing here, and that is getting all the crap out on the table.
Once every thing is on the table then some real communication can happen, and with that some learning for both of us.
I think you misread that part. OP used "about the OM", not "to the other man". Big difference.
That may be but the "I did not take a Draconian stance on her communications/e-mails etc. She needed time..." leads to the assumption that contact is still ongoing.
I am first and foremost working on me outside and inside the marriage.
I am trying to be less of a nice guy.
I see these things having a real impact.
As far as OM and wife, affair is over. She needs time to get over her feelings for him.
I have little control over this.
I won't wait forever but I will give her some space now.
From a man's perspective, affairs are more about sex so going underground etc. might be a strategy to employ. My wife recognizes that at the end of the day they can't be together and she is doing herself more harm than good continuing things on.
We were fortunate that some really good friends, he had a mid-life crisis and hooked up with a much younger women left his wife and four kids. The women is my wife's best friend and she can see the devastation this is creating for her best friend and kids. This helped snap her out of things and I really think her mind not her emotions are running her right now.
But who knows, six months from now, I could be posting that she did it to me again and I'm back at square one...
I don't want to "blast" you, but I want to offer some thoughts...
You have learned something about yourself, and she was learned something about you. You will learn something about the path you decided to take. But, all these lessons will take a longtime.
It would be nice to hear about the results and the lessons... But you will have long forgotten this place by then. For now, all the hurt desperate souls here get to hear all about this wonderful new wheel you reinvented and maybe they will try it too. Why not? It’s infinitely easier than stepping outside of their comfort levels and meeting this betrayal head on.
You couldn’t be more wrong about the “conventional” way of dealing with things. The conventional way of dealing with things is the way you are doing it. It’s easier. But you don’t hear about those people. Most just lurk quietly and stay in the shadows in pain, along for the ride. Some experience some initial success with the passive approach and a few stand on top of a mountain and scream down here about the how they did things “their way” and how great things are going….
Then… ??? Where do they go after that? Where are the updates? Do they come back and share more details on the continued success of this wonderful approach and the sustained success? Do they write a book to help others by sharing this? Where are the books? All the books on infidelity how come none outline the benefit of letting the affairs "run their course?" Do they limp back in here and admit that they were too weak or too nice or a person to handle things differently and if they would have maybe things could have been different? Do the share those lessons or do they take those hard lessons quietly and move on with their lives?
The way explained here is NOT conventional; it’s hard and very much against the grain of anyone’s comfort level but it works. It’s proven to give you the best opportunity to salvage your marriage and have a genuine chance at sustained happiness.
No one here says that there isn’t room in the process to “be true to yourself” or be understanding and civil about the recommended methodology for infidelity survival… It comes off at times like its aggressive and harsh and very much an “alpha” approach… but really it’s not. It’s framed that way and presented that way to people to get them “closer” to that approach to get them outside of the comfort zone, to have them stand tall and fight back… In reality we all love our disloyal spouses and much of that love leaks into this process. We hurt for them as much as we hurt for ourselves at times. But, this is what gives us all the best chance to survive this so we step outside our comfort level and do what gives us the best chance BECAUSE we love them..
As far as OM and wife, affair is over. She needs time to get over her feelings for him.
I have little control over this.
I won't wait forever but I will give her some space now.
And how exactly do you know the A is over? Did you merely take her word for it? How long has she been NC with OM? Sorry if my questions seem hard, just need to understand your situation. You know that WS are really drug addicts when it comes to affairs, right? The adrenaline rush, the dopamine that's excreted into her brain, plus the feel good chemicals that she absorbed through her vagina from his semen, all combine to give her the high during the A. From a physical standpoint, it truly is an addiction that's difficult to get over, which is why they usually can't stop it on their own. This is why they need to go cold turkey and just go NC, otherwise they will always be looking for their fix.
Yes, I understand that there is a mourning period after the A is over, but it usually doesn't last very long if there are consequences involved. When consquences are involved, then they are scrambling to save the marriage and don't have much time left to mourn their affair with the OM.
Oh, and I have a thread at another forum, where the WW is mourning the affair, and it was only an EA. She struggled with NC with her OM for almost a year, breaking NC during the first 5 months of NC before finally sticking to NC.
All i see is a guy saying "love other man, more then you ever loved me, as long as you want... ill be your second choice. You can settle for me as long as Im not alone."
Right now this feeling is stronger than my desire for knowledge (I suspect they are still in contact and closure will take some time). This seems to not be how things are supposed to go from here.
I would appreciate any comments on the trade off for absolute truth vs avoiding pain.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Looking to heal
My wife and I have 3 kids. Neither of us wants or can imagine raising them separately.
There has been some infidelity on her side that we are working through.
We are seeing a marriage counsellor.
These quotes are from your other threads. It's disturbing that you are minimizing her affair, and that you would rather avoid the truth and avoid the pain. And now you are once again taking the easy route by trying to quickly forgive and forget, which doesn't address at all what you two are doing to prevent this from happening again in the future, if indeed it is over. From your other thread, she told you it was over and you have taken her word for it.
Being a nice guy in this particular situation is just going to result in you getting run over......repeatedly. But that's up to you.
Another Perspective 
