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6 Affairs, Still Married After 20 yrs

12K views 53 replies 29 participants last post by  MAJDEATH 
#1 ·
The last affair was over 11 yrs ago. She had 4 As: 3PA, 1 EA. I had 2 As, 1 PA, 1 EA.

It took alot of work, IC, MC, and a willingness to change, to not be so selfish, and to love.

My motto to guys is : "Cherish, love, and appreciate your wife, or someone else just might."
 
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#6 ·
What do you believe was most instrumental in allowing you, as a couple, to move forward past all the A's?

How long ago was the last A?
Probably the anticipation of the next one.

:lol: :rofl:
 
#10 · (Edited)
Each partner is responsible for every A, whether as the BS or the WS. No one is ever "completely innocent". In my case I believe I was responsible for setting the initial negative conditions, so I was "first". But I also believe that because of her choices in both behavior and having toxic friends, that she was "worse". Both of us needed to R and change our ways.
 
#47 ·
An interesting article. But she clearly had not thought it through:

One night, while enjoying a lovely ****tail hour with my husband, I blurted it out.

“I just wish you’d **** someone else. Have a free pass. Don’t let me know – just do it. I can’t **** you like you need. Just be safe, and don’t fall in love.”

My husband looked shocked and hurt.

“You don’t love me anymore,” he said, lowering his voice.

My eyes welled up, but no tears. I looked down at the ground. Didn’t he understand? I offered because I DO love him.

He looked genuinely crushed.
I think there was a lack of understanding there. But not from the husband.
 
#20 ·
It depends on what you call 'successful'

If just staying M until one of the partners dies, the my maternal grandparents had a 'successful' M.

Based on almost any other conceivable criteria...it was an unmitigated disaster that damaged their kids and grandkids in many ways.

My parents lived just about a half mile away....growing up I spent time at my grandparent's almost every day.

I saw it...didn't really understand why a lot of things went down the way they did as a kid....why my grandfather was so nasty to my grandmother so often, and seemed indifferent at most other times.....why my grandmother was such a liar and a nervous wreck....why she showed blatant favoritism to my aunt and her kid over my mother and her three kids (me and sisters)....why my mom and her sister fought so bitterly....why my aunt was never held to account by her mother despite a 20+ year meth habit, and my grandfather just bitterly ignored the mess.

Well it all came out after my grandmother passed....my mom and aunt got into a huge argument about taking care of my very elderly grandfather....at one point my aunt screamed out that he wasn't even her real dad, so why should she have to do so much, despite the fact she still lived in his house.

The cat was out of the bag....grandmother had multiple A's....aunt was A child from last one....grandfather stayed because he didn't want to abandon my mom, but never really forgave....grandmother spoiled my aunt in EVERY way, whether as a lasting memory of her POS AP or because she felt my grandfather would reject/treat her different, I don't know.

Really ugly....but I finally understood SO MUCH about what I had seen and what happened during my childhood

When my grandfather passed in January of this year, one of my cousins got up to speak....he went on and on about how incredible a M my grandparents had...lasted 60 years...he said now that was true love (he doesn't know the history as the A's was kept VERY secret and rugswept, even the blow up between my mom and aunt stayed in the immediate family...h*ll my aunt's son, my first cousin, doesn't even know as he wasn't present and my rugsweeping family didn't want to inform him).

After hearing my cousin's words, it was all I could do to keep from snorting in derision.

Just staying in a M til 'death do you part' is NOT a successful M in my book.

MAJDEATH,

Not saying your M is not truly happy and reconciled....I hope it is and know you believe you and your fWW have successfully R'd.

I'm happy for you.

Just pointing out that a 'successful' M sometimes means very different things to different people.

The fact that most people I know consider my maternal grandparents M to have been a success makes my skin crawl.

I KNOW the truth.
 
#23 ·
LOL! I guess I was on a posting bender yesterday. This forum has really helped me and I consider the opinions of TAM posters like yourself invaluable.

But are you stalking me ConanHub?
 
#35 · (Edited)
For reals. This seems more like a "Hey, if you stick around long enough, one or both of you will eventually get tired of cheating. Or maybe just better at hiding it." approach to reconciliation.
 
#28 ·
You want to talk about weird ...go dig up my old thread from'10..

Now thats phucking wierd!

When I look at the kids, the grand kid...even the parent ( we only have one parent left between me and the old lady....how phucking crazy our lives were when me and the old lady were doing the shyt we were doing!

You really can't put a tally on all the bull crap....you just know it was bull crap and the healthy life we live now is way better and if the shyt ever went back to the way it was one of us would be dead.
 
#31 ·
This kinda hit with the discussion at one my review test classes.

They were discussing that the cheating impacts more those people who have not had cheated themselves.
short cheating hurts honest people more.

funny thing:
prof. even said that over there is marriage material cause he/she looks sleazy. I was a bit appalled then
prof. said if you were to slip he/she would forgive you. cause a. he/she will strike back or b. he/she already did you first.

Goes back to the immoral question. is cheating the norm? how is monogamy relevant?

I have seen that if the BS also cheats the healing seems to look faster. but not sure.
 
#37 · (Edited)
Shyt happen I never real planned out my bad behavior. I'm sure my old lady didn't grow up think about phucking around on her husband just like I didn't grow up thinking I was going to be a wife beater.

Some folks have this thought that this shyt can't happen to them or have an idea that they won't let them selves get phucked over but when it happens you take the crap and roll with it the best you can so it doesn't happen again.

What really sucks is there are a lot of POS out their that don't even think they got a problem and keep screwing over the poeple they love only to move on from partner to partner not having a clue they are the phucked up ones.

The thing is me and the old lady went through some shyt and it sucked I guess we could have split and let some one else reap the rewards in now having healthier behaviors...but there is a good chance and it's often the case that a couple splits and again most often then not the same shyty unhealthy behavior continues with some one else..


I guess some folks have such a god damn perfect life they don't have to measure success by how they over come tough things in their life but can walk around measuring their success by never have to deal with the crap others have to.
 
#40 ·
It is possible that couples treat each other like s***, take each other for granted for years and finally grow up after realising they will not do a better job with anyone else. They have been exposed warts and all, and decide they both have had enough of the bull and want to do the right thing. However, the damage caused, now that is another story.
 
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