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In Pain

16K views 69 replies 16 participants last post by  Heart Break 
#1 ·
Hi All,
First of all, I apologize if there will be any mistakes in the language. English is not my first language.
I have a really long story, and I will try to make it as short as I can. Maybe I will fill the rest of the details in later comments .I discovered the TAM about two weeks ago, and honestly it helped me a LOT! I read many threads here, and some of them were exactly my thoughts and feeling. I was amazed by it .So, long story short, about 5 months ago my H suddenly came home and told me he need a break. I'm 29 and H is 31. We are together for 9 years, married 5 years no kids. I was devastated. We had our issues but I have never ever thought this will come to it. I had a couple of rough years. We couldn't have children, and we had Fertility treatments for about 3.5 years. Finally, about one year ago first time it succeeded. But unfortunately after 2.5 months I had a miscarriage. It was the hardest thing ever. The first 3 months after my H left, I thought I'm going to die. I didn't eat, sleep and talk. I lost weight. I moved out and stayed at my parents' house for 2 months. No need to say that the reason of this sudden "BREAK" is OW. I kept on blaming myself for everything! That was a real shock to me. Never ever thought he could do this. He was the most amazing H (until the last year). People always were jealous of our relationship. He is my first love, my first lover, and he was all I have ever lived for. I don’t know how to live without him. Everything I have ever done was for him. I don’t know even how to live for myself .The situation now is that I have rented a little apartment by myself, first time ever living alone. He was shocked when told him I will be moving out to live alone. I'm trying EVERYHTING for R. literally EVERYHING you can think of. But when I started to read the TAM I discovered the 180, and now this is my new strategy. Having a real hard time to do it. The OW is older than him, and have 3 kids (!!!). This is so hurtful that sometimes I cannot stop crying. My heart is in so much pain that I don’t know how to deal with. I am seeing a counselor and I feel a lot of progress in this 5 months, but I still love him and think about him 24/7.
Not to say, that we are still in contact. We still sleep together (I know it is a mistake. but This was a major issue in our marriage and I need to show him it can be better than it was. And it is a lot better!). But he still cannot leave the OW. And it drives me crazy! WTF?? I know you will all say that this is the perfect situation for him to have 2 women, but I keep telling myself that he is not that type of men, and each time I'm disappointed all over again.
I feel like I need to show him how good it can be (because honestly I haven't been myself for this years, and I feel I ow him at least this). I know he made a HUGE mistake by cheating me and I think this pain will stay in my heart for the rest of my life…..
Sorry again if this thread is all over the place…. I have tried to organize it as much as I can.
 
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#2 · (Edited)
Heart Break,

What are you doing in IC to help your self esteem? What are you doing in IC to help your confidence? What is it, that you want help on? I'm sorry you are going through this, it's a painful process no doubt, but you need to help yourself. That is your starting point, and your IC should be orchestrating this.
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#3 ·
Hi Drifting on,
Thanks for your words.
I know i have a low self esteem, and the IC is helping me to deal with it. I don't know why I have a low self esteem, I think i look good, I have a nice job, I currently finishing my master degree. I know I'm a good person and do anything to help the people I love. And still..... So the IC is helping me to undesrtand the reasons and work on the self esteem issues. So far there is a small progress...I do fill a lot stronger then ever before, but the pain is still there.
 
#4 ·
I'm very sorry you're here.

I know you don't want to hear this, but you need to re-double your efforts (try a lot harder) on The 180. You are competing with the OW to try to win your H back. He is using you both. You need to show him that you will not tolerate being two-timed and you will not share him with an OW.

Right now, all you're showing him is that you don't value yourself very much. I understand feeling this way, I really do. I blamed myself at first for my H's cheating - even let him make me feel bad about his unhappiness in the marriage that he never bothered to tell me about that he felt caused him to cheat. When I read The 180 and started following it, I stopped blaming myself. Yes, we have some responsibility for the problems in our marriage that made our husbands unhappy, but we are 0% responsible for their cheating. That's a choice they made, and a very selfish and cowardly choice, at that.

Do his family and friends know about what he's doing? They should. Otherwise he gets to stay in the magical fairy tale world he's created in which two women are throwing themselves at him, and he has no real consequences to face. Why should you be in all this pain alone because of his nonsense?

You're well educated and sound like a very nice and attractive person. You have a lot to offer to the right person who'll appreciate you, and treat you with respect and honor. I know it's hard to face, but this man isn't that person.
 
#5 ·
Nomorebeans, thanks for you kind words.
I understand what you are saying. And I'm trying soooo hard to stick to it. It is the hardest thing i haver ever done. I'm so blaming myself for everything. His family knows it all. I didn't told any of our friends and my family because I just can't do it. I'm still hopping for R, and I don't want them to know what he is doing now. The most redicoulous thing is that I can't even be mad at him all the way. And I want to be mad at him! he F**** up our entire life. I'm in so much pain. Every morning i'm struggling to get out of bed. I cry every single day. I know that i'm stronger then before, but some days the pain is just unbearable. Thanks again for trying to help!
 
#7 ·
You need to GET angry with him, girlfriend. The Depression stage felt like it was killing me when I went through it. I felt like I was barely breathing. Then I found all the texts between my H and the OW from before I even knew about her that he had saved. And I got, I'm sorry, but fvcking mad. In them, they had talked about wedding rings, songs, and venues. Texted each other pictures of rings and beach wedding locales. Ended every text with "Love you" when they had only spent a total of six days together. When we had been married for 24 years and he'd never even mentioned being unhappy with our marriage. He texted her from other countries when he had told me his phone's data plan didn't support that, so he'd never once texted me when he was out of the country, which he was for his job two or three times a month for years.

Yes, I got fvcking mad, and that anger saved me. You need to take a good hard look at what your H is doing. Do you have access to his texts, or at least to billing statements that show how often he's texting and calling that same number? If so, look at it. You may think you don't want to know, but you're just postponing the inevitable by denying it, and letting him continue to make a fool out of you.

The most important thing I want you to understand, and your therapist should be helping you with this, too, is this is NOT your fault. You did not cause this. You do not deserve it. Your H lacks moral character. And this is s tough one to face: he doesn't love you. Don't believe him if he tells you he still does. His actions are not those of a person who has any regard for you at all. Remember what The 180 says: Believe nothing you hear from him. He will say anything now to justify his actions and feel less guilty. None of it is true.

I'm 50 and got this sh!t sandwich delivered to me a few months ago, after spending more than half my life with this man. I know you've spent a third of yours with your H, and he's the only love you've known so far, so it's especially hard for you. But you've still got a lot of life ahead, and time to eventually, when you're ready, have a partner who's truly worthy of you and who will honor and cherish you. Even if R were possible with this one, his remorselessly continuing to see her doesn't bode well for his taking any R truly seriously. Would you be able to trust him again? I know I couldn't continue to live with someone who hasn't stopped lying to me.
 
#9 ·
Nomorebeans,
I'm so sorry you've been through all this. Hard to imagine 24 years of marriege ended up this way. Really sorry. I have days that i also feel like i'm barely breathing.
I don't have any access to his phone records, but I know for sure hey are still in touch. What hurts the most is that i really dedicated my life to make everything his way, and it was fine by me (this was probably also a mistake). I know that a lot of his actions and the things he is saying are to cover his guilt. But when we do meet, he constatly give me compliments, and say that i'm his best friend and all this crap. I really try to look on the positive in this all situation but it is very hard and painful. Today, when I went through some process i understand better that this was not 100% my fault. Although in the beginnig i couldn't see that. But i do understand my mistakes and ready to admit them and work on them. He isn't for now..... Thanks again. I really appriciate your comments. It is really helpful.
 
#12 ·
You will never begin to heal until you let him go. He's gone already at least emotionally.

Get mad, get good and mad, he destroyed your marriage! For me mad is an easier emotion to deal with. I have been in your shoes and I am sorry you are there now.

My thoughts are with you.
 
#15 ·
If you were actually doing the 180 at all you would NOT be sleeping with him or engaging with him at all. He is having his cake and eating it. Difficulty in having kids is traumatic for both of you and has put an incredible strain on your marriage. But what he has done in response tells you alot about the type of man he is. You are much better off without him. Although he is 31 he is immature and callous and has treated you in a despicable way. Move on, do the 180 for you, go dark on him, get your life back together. There are many men out there who would be glad to marry you and adopt kids. He is not worth your pain and suffering.
 
#16 ·
Heart Break

This process is very painful, very humiliating, very confusing, and nothing but destruction and destroying. You are going to have days you won't know how you even made it through. You will go from day to day, to minute by minute, to hour by hour. You will be in a room and feel totally alone. You will blame yourself and think you have done everything wrong. This is all normal, as abnormal as that seems.

Your pain is even worse because you still share him with the OW. Stop sharing yourself with him, go to IC and get your confidence and self esteem back. Learn the 180 and do not deviate from it. If he comes over kick him out, let him know that if he is still contacting her he doesn't contact you. My WW was and still is my one and only, I know how that feels and it's very humbling and humiliating. You feel as though you couldn't please your spouse and he has to go elsewhere. You, like me, blamed this on yourself when your spouse is the weak one, the one that couldn't keep their vows. I'll tell you this Heart Break, I even bought pills thinking I was inadequate in size for intimacy!! That's how crazy infidelity made me. I lost all my confidence, then I found TAM.

It wasn't me, it was my WW, she made the bad choice and it wasn't because of me. Listen to the people here, it will minimize the pain. I had everything lined up to divorce, all I had to do was separate the phone bill and we were on the fast track to divorce. You have to be willing to end your marriage to save it.
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#18 ·
Thank you all!
drifting on, I'm really sorry that you have gone through that. I can relate to every word that you wrote. I feel the same way.
It really was very traumatic the process of trying to get pregnant and have kids. It took all my strenghts. Now when I can see it with an open mind, I understand how hard it was. The most painfull thing now, that he always said it's ok that we don't have kids, we don't need to rush. And now he is with OW with 3 kids.... It crushes me down. That i couldn't gave him kids.
The hardest thing for me now is to stick to the 180. I really try my best and hope to succed with it.
 
#20 ·
Heart Break

I apologize I don't know much about you or your story except for this thread. I also felt inadequate about conceiving a child, I felt like I wasn't a man that she couldn't conceive. According to our doctors there is nothing wrong with either of us but it hurt all the same. I can understand that crushing feeling, that hollow feeling of hopelessness. But remember, those three kids have a father already. Stay strong and best of luck to you.
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#19 ·
I discovered the 180, and now this is my new strategy.

Not to say, that we are still in contact. We still sleep together (I know it is a mistake. but This was a major issue in our marriage and I need to show him it can be better than it was. And it is a lot better!).
Heart Break, you can't do this. You can't move out, do a 180...AND STILL HAVE SEX WITH HIM.

That completely washes away the effects of the 180.

There is ONE THING that most cheating men want - sex with more than one woman.

So, to HIM, cheating is working. NOW, he is getting more sex than he can handle.

Why should he come home to you?

Think about it.
 
#21 ·
I know turnera. I decided about the 180 about two weeks ago. And since then I'm trying my best not to contact him at all. This is very hard. Until now, I have tried everything to make it better. To work on it. To show him how good it can be. But NOTHING seemed to work. So now I'm trying the 180. Who knows what will be the result... But I really feel I have to do it for myself, and for my sanity.
 
#23 ·
Try to remember that he is addicted. Cheating IS AN ADDICTION. They get a HIGH from seeing the affair partner, the forbidden fruit, the new stuff. And there's this thing called PEA chemicals. It's what you and he felt when you two were dating. It's that 'high' you feel when you first meet someone, where you just can't get enough of each other, you can't think about anything else, all you want is more of that high.

Thing is, that PEA 'high' fades out of our bodies in a few years, from 3 to 5 years, usually. Our body quits producing it because, biologically and sociologically (think back to caveman days), we've been together long enough to create a few babies; after that, we (society) no longer need that couple to stay together, so the body stops making that chemical.

He 'found' that high again by cheating, and he can't believe how good he feels when he's with her. He just forgot that he felt that with you, too. And most people aren't aware of PEA chemicals, so when they feel it, they confuse that feeling with 'love' or else just don't care and want to keep feeling 'good' again, so they keep cheating.

That's why nothing you do can change him except him ENDING the affair, so that he doesn't keep getting his 'fix.' And the only way to get him to end it is to say 'her or me' and if he has a strong enough pull to stay married, he'll give her up. But that doesn't happen often.

So, to protect yourself in the meantime, the 180 will help YOU by not feeling the pain constantly.
 
#24 ·
I know you will all say that this is the perfect situation for him to have 2 women, but I keep telling myself that he is not that type of men, and each time I'm disappointed all over again.

I feel like I need to show him how good it can be (because honestly I haven't been myself for this years, and I feel I ow him at least this).
Sounds like you were LD and now you think you can win him back by throwing sex at him? This plan is DOOMED for failure. You are trying to compete with a illusion and you just can't win because he is in affair fantasy land.

I know logically OW is an old hag with three kids. However, she is NOT YOU and that to him is what makes it so exciting. Right now, he's boning TWO women. What incentive does he have to lift a finger when YOU are stuffing his mouth full of cake?

Rather then trying to win this loser back you need to address your codependency issues. Ask yourself, "Why do I have so little self respect that I tolerate my husband cheating on me? I deserve better!" Do the 180 (and please no more sex), file for divorce and get counseling to help you grieve this relationship.
 
#26 ·
Rather then trying to win this loser back you need to address your codependency issues. Ask yourself, "Why do I have so little self respect that I tolerate my husband cheating on me? I deserve better!" Do the 180 (and please no more sex), file for divorce and get counseling to help you grieve this relationship.
This is exactly what I'm asking myself every day. And this is what I've been trying to figure out with the therapist. So the process is still long, but hopefully I will get stronger. I'm doing my best with the 180. Every day is a new struggle. Thanks for the advice.
 
#25 ·
Heart Break

I hope you realize how broken your husband is, this is why he clearly isn't thinking at all. He is picturing himself as the savior to the OW and to her children. This will all come crashing down on him after a month. The daily stresses of having children and the stress of real life will bring him to his knees. What will you think of him then? The way he is acting now you are far better off without him. But be prepared that he will come back telling you he made the worst mistake of his life and beg to be with you again.
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#27 ·
Heart Break

I hope you realize how broken your husband is, this is why he clearly isn't thinking at all. He is picturing himself as the savior to the OW and to her children.

You hit the point exactly drifting on! He's that kind of a person. He is trying to help everyone and "save" everyone. And always have been this way. I've thought about iy myself couple of days ago. I think he is trying to save her, as this is hard to find someone when you have 3 kids and you are not that young.... So he is like the savior. Well.... We'll see what will happen eventually.
 
#31 ·
Nobody deserves to have infidelity enter their marriage. We don't have to go through this alone, I thought I could and clearly I was wrong. I found TAM and it has helped me. I too wasn't the best spouse but definitely didn't deserve infidelity. So hang in there, this ride tends to get a little rough but if you post people will come to support you. Stay strong and best of luck.
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#33 ·
Heart Break, if it makes it easier, start concentrating on yourself. Go to gym, start cooking healthy meals, go to museums. In a nut shell, make yourself involved in your own life. Less time you will spend sitting in a room thinking about him, the better your mental state will become. You deserve better, stop feeling sorry for yourself. You done nothing wrong!
 
#34 ·
You can do this, like life_huppens says, stay busy. Go do things you stopped doing but love to do. From there it will progress to you being busier. Think positively, go visit friends you haven't seen for awhile or out with the friends you are in contact with now. Best of luck.
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#35 ·
I'm trying my best to concentrate on myself now. I don't know what I love to do, so I need to start figuring it out all over again. All my friends are married with kids, so it makes it harder to go out with them. But I do my best, and trying to meet my friends. I just wish it will be less painful. Thank you!
 
#40 ·
Some days are difficult to get through. If day by day is too long then focus from hour to hour. A walk can sometimes help, I chose a walking path then made it a point to talk to everyone I passed. Go walk at a mall and window shop, or go to a park. The point is to get out and not be confined to four walls and your thoughts. Crying is also good, I've shed many tears during my struggles. Call someone when you can't redirect your thoughts. You can do this, stay strong.
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#41 ·
Hi All.

It has been a while. I read your comments over and over again and it helps me a lot. I'm really struggling this last week. I feel so alone. I feel like I have no one to talk to. I see my therapist once a week, I go out with my friend once a week. I read a lot. I visit my parents a lot. But at the end of the day I feel devastating. I don't know how to move on. It has been almost six months now. I can't see myself feeling better at all, and if I will ever fill better. Although it seems like I'm doing the "right" things, I can't get him out of my head. I have never cried so much, and I do give myself cry as much as I want. But sometimes, I just want to sleep and never wake up. Or to wake up when it will all be over. It is really the hardest thing I have ever dealt with.

And again, thanks for your advise.
 
#43 ·
What advice have you followed?

Have you joined a gym? Are you working out? If you had followed the advice given here you would not have time to wallow in self pity.

How lucky you are to have found out what a loser of a man you were married to before you really had children.

Are you still taking pity sex from him or have you cut him out of your life and filed for divorce? Have you told everyone what he has done?

Quit being his b!tch and see how that works. If your lucky he will take his nasty self all the way out of your life.

Let all the other woman's family know what they are doing and what a sl'ut she is.

Defend yourself and know you deserve good things. If you don't respect yourself, who will?
 
#42 ·
Heart Break

Grieving over a relationship is normal, the feelings and emotions felt are strong and sometimes overwhelming. However, these feelings and emotions shift to where it's not so constant and the pain subsides somewhat. It takes time for these wounds to heal, for the pain to subside to where it becomes bearable. It's a slow process that can be more then difficult, so try to keep busy from letting this overwhelm you.

In my case I am still in pain, each day I wake up I hope the pain will be less. Sometimes it's manageable and some days it's overwhelming. But I plod through, I fight to make it through, and each day I try to smile. Not enough time has passed for me yet, but the day will come that this pain should be less.

Each person we date or marry will have a place in our hearts. Your first kiss, your first intimacy partner, your first boyfriend or girlfriend. Each of these people we have memories with, we shared special moments with them. In the beginning the memory may feel painful, it was for me, but now the memories aren't so painful. This isn't true for everyone, but infidelity aside my memories of everyone in my past is not painful anymore. They have changed from painful to sometimes sad, but it's my past and time helped to make those memories not so painful. I'm not saying time heals all wounds, but rather time changes the pain to a different emotion or feeling.

I have never gone through a divorce, only infidelity and reconciliation. I imagine divorce is painful and that you would feel lonely. I feel that at times in reconciliation. Many times I have sat in a crowded room or alone with my wife, and I would feel alone. I think this to be the nature of the beast, a repercussion of the process we go through. I respect myself and love myself as goofy as that sounds, it's also part of the process.

I wish you well Heart Break, I hope and pray you find peace and happiness, and I have no doubt you will given enough time. Stay strong, you will get through this.
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