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Should I know everything / Should she tell me

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#1 ·
My wife had an affair, lasted 6 months. It was last year. I keep having this questions on my mind, and everytime I try to ask anything we fight. Some say, I shouldn't know all the details, its gonna eat me inside. Int he other hand she is supposed to not hide/lie to me about it.
My feeling is that I will only rebuild my self esteem back once I know I am "better" than him (for her). But what if he is?
I wrote a list of questions. Please tell me what is right to as and what is not (some will not make any sense for you, just bear with me. And i'm gonna hide some info, for privacy):
====================================
What was you routine when at his place? And before he got his own place, where did you and him spend time and had sex?
After you came back from the concert in ****(another city), have you ever been with him again? Have you gone somewhere just you and him? Have you kissed him? Sex with him?
When was the last time you had sex with him?
What did you and him talk about your future together? Was he going to support you thru school, including tuition?
When did you break up with him? Did he just agree or did he try to talk you out of it? Did make any (more) promises for the future?
When did he stop contacting you? Did you have to ask him to stop? Did he insisted?
Do you think he has ever cheated on you? (except with [his wife]) Why, did you catch anything suspicious?
After breaking up with him, you kept seeing him as “friend”. Any kiss or sex?
To who in your life did you ever talk about him? For example, “me and [the OM] went to this place” or “[the OM] told me about this”, etc…
Did you ever fight with him? Why?
I know you and him talked a lot of **** about [the OM's wife]. What kinda **** did you and him talk about me?
How often did you sick his ****? Did you ever let him cum in your mouth? How often did you let him go down on you.
Does he think you came every time (or almost) you had sex?
How good was to have sex with him?
What happened the night you stayed with him until 5AM (that you said you slept in the car)
How does it feel to be with a rich man?
Did you and him used to walk holding hands?
Did you feel proud walking with him? For what reason? (he is handsome/ he is in charge, etc…)
He told Tamara that you had had sex with girls. Did you and him ever talk about doing that?
Did you tell him about any of our 3somes and swing club? Did you or him ever mentioned the existence of a swing club in [our city]?
Did he ever give ANY gift to you? Did you give any to him?
When I was in Miami, is it true that you didn’t go anywhere with him other than the game and restaurant?
Did you act like his girlfriend around town? Where and around who?
Did he introduce you to others as his “girlfriend”?
Did you feel like you were a “trophy” girl to him? Did you feel he was a “trophy” to you? Why?( Why yes or why no)
Did you ever go out of town with him? Where, when, why, what did you do?
Did he ever meet my kids? Did you meet his (the ogre)?
Did you ever tell him about how much money I make, our financial problems, or anything like that?
How did you interact with him at the dart games after you decided to not leave me? (Any touching, talking, what subjects of conversation, any reference to the affair, or things you used to do or places you went)
Were you and him open about being together at the games?
Do you think he has a fancy car?
Did he ever drove fast with you in the car? (did you ever thought “he is going too fast”, or told him to drive slower)
Did he ever carried his gun on him (his body, concealed)? Did he ever had it in his car? Have you ever seen his gun?
What kinda clothes did he use after work? How did you like it?
================================================== ====

Thanks yall!
 
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#5 ·
She has refused to answer my questions. And when she does, she tries to do it at the bare minimum. She won't lie, but she will give the shortest answer possible. It is like she is trying to just "check mark" the question as "answered", instead of fulfilling my curiosity.
 
#3 ·
Nobody here can answer your questions about what is "right" and what is "not right." People handle specific details differently. You sound like the type that needs VERY specific detail, and that's not wrong. Is it right and healthy??? That differs for all of us.
 
#4 ·
There is no right or wrong here, if answering the questions help you, then fine. However, I don't see much that would really help you move forward. If you ask a question, she should be willing to answer to help you move forward, but never ask questions you don't want the answer to. Personally, if it was me, I would put your efforts into moving forward, not looking backwards, but hey that is just me.
 
#8 ·
I can't believe you kept her around for a year! When my old lady was screwing around I needed to know some of the same shyt you want to know and it was a most. It was part of the consequences my old lady had to face to stay married to me.

Bad choices have consequences so as shyty as it is for her to talk about this your wife needs to face the consequences, show some real remorse and start answering the damb questions

Or if you have the balls ....just ask her to leave!

Speaking of balls...you better have some big ones if you go down the "who's bigger" road.
Those questions are not for the weak....The intimate details will kill you. The trick is she is willing to do the same things to you. if not those kind of details will finish of your self esteem.

In my case I had to know and I made sure I got mine. I mean if (well I know) her and her Ap did all kinds of kinky crap she sure as hell wasn't going to hold back with me. Hell give me the chance to show her I can do just as good if not better...right?

Most guys aren't wired like me so brother I caution you be very care how far you go with this.

As far as what you have on your list most of it should have been answered with in days of R.

You aren't asking to much from someone that has true remorse and wants to stay married to you, but I have a feeling your wife is sticking around her plan B for convienence....and when it starts getting to inconvienent for her she just might split on her own with out asking her to leave.

At the end of the day I don't think you can really heal with out these answers...I sure as hell could never of made it this far 5 yrs +)with out the details. from were I'm sitting...I don't see you two together in ayear if she keeps this shyt up.

But thats the me.


Sincerly,
the guy
with the cheating wife
 
#10 · (Edited)
like others have said, no right or wrong answer. it is what is going to work for you and what will work for the relationship. Having said that, you naturally have many questions but even if you were to get answers to all of them, do you feel deep down that will satisfy you? Or will it lead to more questions and more doubts?

An affair breaks the trust. You've expressed your feeling that you need to rebuild your self esteem by knowledge that you are better than the OM. First you are already better than him because you have remained true to the marriage vows and not strayed. Second, while the path you are taking to rebuilding esteem through seeking answers to these questions is one often taken by someone betrayed and hurt, again I suggest you look deep within yourself and honestly ask if this will resolve these things for you. A couple others have mentioned the alternative path of looking forward, not backward. Only you can decide which path is best for you.

Are you afraid of the answers you may hear? Do you doubt the truthfulness of her answers? If she answers in detail some of your most explicit questions about their physical intimacy, what do you hope that will provide you? Is your goal to rebuild your esteem, punish her, rebuild your relationship, or some combination of all three? As someone else suggested - be careful what you ask, for the answer may drive you nuts. For example, if you ask her how the sex was with the OM. Suppose she says it was great, best ever. Is that something you need to hear, really want to know? If she says it was just so-so or even terrible is that an answer you will believe, be able to accept or will you always wonder if it was more than that to her?

Only you can decide your future course of action but be careful what you insist on asking. I know you've already thought this through. Is sounds from your posts that you are still feeling the intense pain that comes with such a betrayal. We can do things and take actions to reduce the pain that may in the long run not be the best remedies.
 
#11 ·
There are answers to questions that you need if you are going to successfully R.
There are answers you are going to need to help you get your head around what she did
There are answers you are going to need to decide if she is worth the pain and the effort required for R
Then there are questions that she can never answer so you can drive yourself crazy.
Know what you want from the questions you ask and keep at it till you get what you need.
 
#14 ·
So, let me get this right.

You guys BEFORE this, was into 3somes, and swing clubs, but it's just now, that you feel you need to rebuild your self-esteem?
Look, I understand there's a difference in swapping and cheating, but you basically had an open marriage to start with.
Look, after all the different sex partner you two have had during this marriage, could you realistically say you never expected this???

Let me ask. At the swing club, was there one guy she always seemed to hook up with?
If so, why was you NOT concerned he was better than you?

My man, considering you guys sexual history, and with him getting his on place, I would bet the affair is underground.
So what you really need to worry about, is his divorce going thru.
 
#17 ·
I don't think sexual oneness has anything to do with this. Actually, it mostly the opposite. We were always together, and we always were honest about everything. Her affair happened almost a year after we quit those things, because SHE didn't want anymore, because we were not getting along at home.
So the key factor, is that we were not getting along.
Btw, I don't know what "the affair is underground" means... :frown2:
 
#15 ·
If she is hiding her answers it either for one of two reason generally......first to keep it private and personal or to in fear it will make her look bad in your eyes and you will hate her....the other possibility is that she does not want to perform what they did together with you. Can you handle either?
And her telling you nothing does not work....you may have to flip the d card to get her to talk.....or a polygraph.
 
#16 ·
It sounds like your wife wants to rug sweep, there can be no reconciliation with rug sweeping.

See these links
Reconciliation vs. Rug Sweeping | AFFAIRCARE

and for her to have empathy and understanding perhaps she can try to see things from your point of view and why you need these questions answered. Ask her to read this

Understanding Your Loyal Spouse | AFFAIRCARE

Incidentally Oldwolf's post casts all of this in a new light, I don't know how swinging and the open marriage thing cannot lead to this, it is always only a matter of time.
 
#20 ·
Regret143

I am also a BS, I also needed every detail of my WW affair. I will tell you this is a very painful route to walk, but for me to forgive I needed to know. I know all about the PA but the EA there is so much missing. In therapy I explained to my WW that having to sit and tell me everything was a consequence to her actions. Recalling all of this was very humiliating for her, but I needed to know. I also brought a kids puzzle to therapy, and showed it to the therapist and WW completed. I told my WW this is her affair (puzzle) then removed a few pieces, this is my WW affair to me. I pointed to the holes in the puzzle and asked what happened here? Or over here? It was the best way I could think of to show her the affair from my perspective.

Some of the gaps were filled, most weren't, and I now have to take a leap of faith with forgiveness. I believe the WS should answer all of your questions fully, not briefly. Your wife not answering these questions gives me a bad feeling along with other TAM members. You are being told this affair could have gone underground. I believe it has also. By that I mean the affair is still active, using alternate communication methods. One positive, is say nothing and hire a private investigator, then wait. I would also install a VAR in her car and one in the house where she talks the most on the phone.

You are in a bad situation even if the affair is over, you have a wife not allowing you to heal. That means she is not remorseful, which is the main ingredient to reconciliation. She is probably helping in other areas, but in the most important way she is failing you. You may have to shake the ground under her feet to rattle her. By that I mean you may need to start filling out divorce papers in front of her.

I'm sorry you are here, and I wish you the best of luck.
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#21 ·
She's not willing to do what you ask, which is to be honest. Therefore, there's little hope for any healing. You can't heal a wound properly when you don't know the full extent of it.

So either : you end it and move on, or you stay and accept the crumbs you get.
 
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#22 ·
You need to know what you need to know, and any unwillingness on your wife's part to be forthcoming w/ details should be viewed suspiciously, as it isn't at all indicative of either a remorseful wayward or that the affair has actually ended.
 
#24 ·
Well, mmm... yeah, ok. I know your story from another site, and I know you're not being very honest with the posters here. As I recall, you convinced your wife, who has never really been very interested in sex, to follow you into the swinging lifestyle at first. Then you developed cuckold fantasies and pestered your wife until she finally agreed to please you and take a boyfriend. After a while you noticed you had marriage problems and asked her to stop seeing the guy, but she had developed feelings for him and later began seeing him in secret. And that's the affair. Is this right, did I remember it right?

Yeah, OK, she did cheat, she didn't respect the rules you had as a couple, but, man... a lot of what happened is on you...

Substantially, you married this woman, who probably just wanted a standard marriage and an average sexual life, and messed with her head and her sexuality, and now you are outraged with the results. Frankly, I'm under the impression that if there's an abusive partner in this relationship, it's you, not her.

Even your list of questions... Half of those seem designed to continue feeding your cuckold fantasy more than to help you heal... Looks like you didn't learn anything from this...

Sorry, I won't ask you what you are doing still with her, but what is she doing still with you...
 
#25 ·
My wife had an affair, lasted 6 months. It was last year. I keep having this questions on my mind, and everytime I try to ask anything we fight. Some say, I shouldn't know all the details, its gonna eat me inside. Int he other hand she is supposed to not hide/lie to me about it.
Refret143...not know is eating away at you. You are between a rock and hard place. Further, your W is minimizing, trickle truthing, rug sweeping and generally does not care about your feelings in the matter.

To assist in waking up your WW to the reality of the situation deliver D papers and provide your WW with answers to why you are D so it does not eat her up inside. Enough is enough.
 
#32 ·
Regret

Think about what you just said.

"She does not like sex."
It is a medical condition, called Anorgasmia.

"She always wanted a life partner."
As opposed to a traditional marriage. The quote alone out of the context is misleading.

Then why did she have an affair?
According to her, we were fighting so much, she needed someone's affection and care.

I think your view of your wife is a little skewed.

Does "alternative" include lying & cheating? That is what you need to get your wife to think about.

HM
There is exactly where my problem lies.
 
#38 ·
OP,
As this thread unfolds it is becoming apparent that we do not have sufficient information to offer what you consider to be constructive advice. You have engaged in an "open marriage", an oxymoron in my opinion but I digress. You then decided, mutually, to cease that pursuit. Was her feelings for her prior "boyfriend" brought up during the discussion? You indicated that she is not "conventional" in her thinking regarding relationships and desired a "life partner" with stronger bonds than a piece of paper could imply. Did you coerce her into the "open marriage" lifestyle? If so, then perhaps she no longer viewed/views you as "life partner" material. If you did not, then I am at a loss to understand how a "life partnership" that involves deceit and betrayal is stronger than marital vows.

It seems to me that this situation is about two people who really have no idea what they want from a relationship. It appears chaotic and haphazard both in form and function. You took vows and then made rules allowing the breaking of certain aspects of those vows under certain conditions. After a time, and apparently the formation of a bond between your W and her "boyfriend", you two rescinded those rules and reapplied the constraints of the original vows? Or initiated new rules governing what portions of the vows could be ignored? It seems to me that in order for this relationship to work there must be drafted a detailed set of edicts that must be strictly adhered to and cannot be changed without convening a life partnership council consisting of the two originating members of this union.

Does this not all sound very complicated and convoluted? Here is a suggestion I offer, believing it to be constructive to a solid, mature, monogamous relationship. Restate to one another your vows of marriage, without any caveats, pledging to each other your complete and unwavering loyalty, dedication, honesty and commitment. Do not introduce any exceptions, exemptions, exclusions, deletions or rules that would alter, in any way, your original vows. Strictly adhere to this new affirmation henceforth and let nothing dissuade your resolve to one another. That is the best I can offer.
 
#40 ·
It appears this is a story with many facets and the information has been provided in fragments. People are responding based on what fragments they have read which skews the responses. Whether intentionally or unintentionally, the information provided is inadequate to any meaningful advice or dialogue.
 
#41 ·
Look it boils down to this. She cheated. Your lifestyle has nothing to do with it since you both had an agreement but she broke it. Now you have questions and if she wants the marriage to work then she's going to have to answer them.
So what do you do. Sit her ass down and let her know that she either gives you the answers you need answered or take the bull by the horns and let her know that she's no longer welcome in the house and not to come back until she's ready to answer your questions. She's either going to fold and answer you or leave. Either way as of right now your in limbo and you can't live like that. No one can so give her the choice and let the chips fall where they may.

One other thing. You have a novel sized amount of questions. Some don't amount to a hill of beans so ask only the ones that you feel are the most important. You brow beat her with a million and one questions and she's bound to tell you anything just to shut you up so choose your questions wisely.
 
#46 ·
Considering your past, I think you should first verify that there is no active affair, PA or EA at this time.
If after verifying there is nothing either way, then you must find a way to live without knowing.
Although you could do as a poster did with the puzzle.
You might also search within yourself to see if this really bother you because you wasn't there to see it.
Hey, I'm sorry, but this marriage, and Italianjob info really makes this hard to advise on.

Oh, I don't give a damn what others do, as long as they are not abusing someone against their will.
Your marriage is nothing new to me. I have friends covering damn near all facets my man.
 
#48 ·
This is what I would do (no exp. with affairs, but was in an open marriage for a time.) I would ask her ALL details, then decide if you can live with her answers, and if so- never bring this up again! Unless she is showing signs of an affair (secret texts, secret apps for texts, unaccounted time, GNO, etc..) Forgive her or not, but she must be OPEN and Remorseful!
 
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