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Not sure what to do?

156K views 704 replies 93 participants last post by  ConanHub 
#1 · (Edited)
Long time viewer of this site, male 53, wife 55, we have four children, one being a special needs child that still lives at home with us, other kids are married and out of the house. We have been married for 36 years, wife had an affair five years ago, pretty sure she only slept with the guy one time, went through counseling and have been trying to do my best to make my wife feel special, and show how much I love and need her. Two weeks ago, we were at the hospital waiting for the birth of our first grandson, I asked her if I could use her ipad to check my work email, I am a teacher, so I have the summer off. When I went to log into my gmail account, I saw a strange gmail account name, fancynancy, not even close to my wife's name. When we got home a couple of days later, I told her that I needed to hear her say she loved me, and had she been doing anything that I would not approve off, she went off, and we fought for a week. Things quieted down over the fourth and we fooled around fro the first time in 10 days. I kept checking her ipad, but the account name had been set back to her work email. Today, after doing some searching on her ipad, found her gmail account open, also saw that she was still logged in on her work account, I went in and reset her password on her gmail account, and it allowed my to access the fancy nancy account. I read 477 posts that I found in the account, going all the way back to May 2014, pretty sure that she had another gmail account before her current one. She has met a guy on-line. She started sending naked photos of herself to him, and he sent four to her. They met 2 hours away in April when she had to go to a meeting for a few days, according to the emails, they just talked, kissed and groped a little. The emails were clear, they did not sleep together, but my wife was more than willing. The guy is married with a family, no chance to ever get his name, he is not local, and travels a lot. I have copies of about 30 emails and photos sent they sent to each other in a secure place. Not sure what to do, I do not want a divorce, getting too old to start over, but I can not live with the current situation. I plan on asking her confronting her tomorrow when she gets home from work. She is smart enough to figure out that I hacked into her gmail account and changed the password, she will just open up a new gmail account if I do not say something. Tell me what to do.
 
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#2 ·
Long time viewer of this site, male 53, wife 55, we have four children, one being a special needs child that still lives at home with us, other kids are married and out of the house. We have been married for 36 years, wife had an affair five years ago, pretty sure she only slept with the guy one time, went through counseling and have been trying to do my best to make my wife feel special, and show how much I love and need her. Two weeks ago, we were at the hospital waiting for the birth of our first grandson, I asked her if I could use her ipad to check my work email, I am a teacher, so I have the summer off. When I went to log into my gmail account, I saw a strange gmail account name, fancynancyfield, not even close to my wife's name. When we got home a couple of days later, I told her that I needed to hear her say she loved me, and had she been doing anything that I would not approve off, she went off, and we fought for a week. Things quieted down over the fourth and we fooled around fro the first time in 10 days. I kept checking her ipad, but the account name had been set back to her work email. Today, after doing some searching on her ipad, found her gmail account open, also saw that she was still logged in on her work account, I went in and reset her password on her gmail account, and it allowed my to access the fancy nancy account. I read 477 posts that I found in the account, going all the way back to May 2014, pretty sure that she had another gmail account before her current one. She has met a guy on-line. She started sending naked photos of herself to him, and he sent four to her. They met 2 hours away in April when she had to go to a meeting for a few days, according to the emails, they just talked, kissed and groped a little. The emails were clear, they did not sleep together, but my wife was more than willing. The guy is married with a family, no chance to ever get his name, he is not local, and travels a lot. I have copies of about 30 emails and photos sent they sent to each other in a secure place. Not sure what to do, I do not want a divorce, getting too old to start over, but I can not live with the current situation. I plan on asking her confronting her tomorrow when she gets home from work. She is smart enough to figure out that I hacked into her gmail account and changed the password, she will just open up a new gmail account if I do not say something. Tell me what to do.
So she had an affair five years ago and you have just found a second (that you know of... there could be more). Thus by definition she is a serial cheater. Conventional wisdom says file for divorce.
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#4 ·
Print out the proof, save a copy somewhere else. Make sure you bank accounts are set so that she can't take real money out without your signature. See a lawyer to know your rights so you'll know what you're talking about when you confront her.

When you do, you'll tell her you know about it, and you expect her to stop. You expect her to give you access to her electronics. You expect her to send him a No Contact letter and never contact him again. You expect her to go to therapy with you. And you expect her to commit to the marriage.

And when she tells you she won't, that you can't tell her what to do, you calmly reply 'that's what I expected you to say. My lawyer is waiting to hear from me.'

You get up and leave the room. Then you go someplace else, sit down, and call her parents, her siblings, her best friend, and her pastor if she has one. You tell them that she is cheating on you - AGAIN - and that you're making plans to divorce her, unless they can talk some sense into her.

Then you either go back home and sit and wait for the sh*tstorm, and wait it out and just keep repeating that you WILL be divorcing unless she accepts your conditions for keeping her in your life - or else you go stay somewhere for a few days, incommunicado, to REALLY freak her out. And then have that conversation a when you get back.

You only get one chance to do this right. A cheater MUST have consequences, to 'learn' not to do it again. Sounds like she never got any the first time around. So she needs to see that you are a ROCK this time. She gets ONE chance, and NO time to think about it, she either gives it all up or she loses you immediately.

That is how you stop a cheater. NO mercy, not at first, not until she agrees to give up the cheating. Women HAVE to see a strong man who won't put up with her crap. Please trust us on this. If you don't show strength immediately, you will lose your one chance to turn this around.
 
#7 ·
So your wife had an affair five years ago and your the one that has been trying to make her feel special and wanted?

You offered up no consequences the first time round so your wife thinks it is ok to do it again.

You ask what to do it should be pretty simple.

1) Clear out any joint accounts immediatelyand transfer money into your own personal accounts. If she has access to any of your credit cards cancel her one.

2) You find out anything you can about the other man and you expose to his wife, including your wifes immediate family.

3) You see a lwayer find out your rights and file for divorce. Only by your wife realising you will no longer be fuc...ked with and that her cosy little world is about to be destroyed will you have any chance of reconciliation.

Why you would want to reconcile the second time round i cant understand however thats your choice.

Sorry to come accross harsh but believe me most here have been through this and no spouse has ever been niced out of this type of behavour.

Man up

Sorry
 
#8 ·
Your wife has no respect for you. If you rug sweep this one then it will not get any better. Do you want to live the rest of your life being second fiddle to other men and not receiving the love and affection of your wife (she'll be giving it to someone else)? That is no way to live. If you don't play hardball with her now, she will not change. There is a chance that if you do take her to task and do all the things people talk about here she will be willing to work on the marriage and do all the work. She knows you are a sucker and she is taking advantage of it. Women no matter how educated or independent like strong men who are willing to take charge. You have not been doing this in your marriage.

In other words you have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it.

Therefore confront her with the evidence, tell her you want her to move out, expose what she has done to your grown up kids, family, friends etc. Do the 180 on her and get some balance and control back into your life. Do things for you, take up a new hobby, the gym or whatever you like. Show her that life without her can be equally good and you are not going to settle for seconds. If she wants to join you great, if not, her loss.

Posters here have also offered practical advice re money, lawyers, get all your ducks in a row as you do not know how she will react.
 
#9 ·
I do not want a divorce, getting too old to start over, but I can not live with the current situation. I plan on asking her confronting her tomorrow when she gets home from work. She is smart enough to figure out that I hacked into her gmail account and changed the password, she will just open up a new gmail account if I do not say something. Tell me what to do.
You have basically told yourself what to do. You cannot live with the current situation (and shouldn't). Confrontation is the only thing that MIGHT put a stop to it.

You have to show her that you have dignity and respect yourself too much to allow this to continue. She doesn't respect you or care about your dignity or she wouldn't have become the serial cheater that you have revealed her to be.

Nothing less than a full-force confrontation with the evidence you have. Don't say anything that you aren't willing to carry out. If you say something and then back down, she will perceive you as one with no "cajones" (she already does and you have to show her otherwise). No "I'm sorry", "help me make sense of this", "what can I do to make you love me". None of that crap. You have to be forceful with your intentions with her.

She has to change her life completely and you should accept nothing less than that immediately. If she argues or throws a fit, just turn and walk out. Own your self-respect and be willing to get out of this relationship if she continues down this path.
 
#10 ·
Long time viewer of this site, male 53, wife 55, we have four children, one being a special needs child that still lives at home with us, other kids are married and out of the house. We have been married for 36 years, wife had an affair five years ago, pretty sure she only slept with the guy one time, went through counseling and have been trying to do my best to make my wife feel special, and show how much I love and need her. Two weeks ago, we were at the hospital waiting for the birth of our first grandson, I asked her if I could use her ipad to check my work email, I am a teacher, so I have the summer off. When I went to log into my gmail account, I saw a strange gmail account name, fancynancyfield, not even close to my wife's name. When we got home a couple of days later, I told her that I needed to hear her say she loved me, and had she been doing anything that I would not approve off, she went off, and we fought for a week. Things quieted down over the fourth and we fooled around fro the first time in 10 days. I kept checking her ipad, but the account name had been set back to her work email. Today, after doing some searching on her ipad, found her gmail account open, also saw that she was still logged in on her work account, I went in and reset her password on her gmail account, and it allowed my to access the fancy nancy account. I read 477 posts that I found in the account, going all the way back to May 2014, pretty sure that she had another gmail account before her current one. She has met a guy on-line. She started sending naked photos of herself to him, and he sent four to her. They met 2 hours away in April when she had to go to a meeting for a few days, according to the emails, they just talked, kissed and groped a little. The emails were clear, they did not sleep together, but my wife was more than willing. The guy is married with a family, no chance to ever get his name, he is not local, and travels a lot. I have copies of about 30 emails and photos sent they sent to each other in a secure place. Not sure what to do, I do not want a divorce, getting too old to start over, but I can not live with the current situation. I plan on asking her confronting her tomorrow when she gets home from work. She is smart enough to figure out that I hacked into her gmail account and changed the password, she will just open up a new gmail account if I do not say something. Tell me what to do.
FILE. FOR. DIVORCE.

She had an affair before, 5 years ago. She had her one chance at reconciliation. She blew it. Don't give her another.

How do your REALLY know there haven't been more affairs between 5 years ago and now. Or even before 5 years ago?

Confrontation is fine, but usually the object is to end the affair. I'd be past that now. Just file. Whether the affair ends or not, just file.
 
#12 ·
I would make a copy of everything and expose it to the family this way she can not try to deny it, can not try to rug sweep like the last time...but hear me out whether you divorce or not your marriage has changed...you are living with a lying cheat...and if she is not into this marriage you can fool your self you are but your not. Like you said she will not stop....work on you.
 
#13 ·
The fact that she met this man online suggests that she actively sought out an affair partner. It's not like she developed feelings by "accident" with a work partner, etc.

She needs to be exposed.
 
#14 ·
I've read of so many women with special needs children having affairs. Loveshack's OW section is full of them.

You need to have her served, expose to family & friends, and implement the 180 to start detaching. The reason you're talking about not wanting to start over is because you have no confidence. If you did, there is no way you would stay with a serial cheater.

You've been with wife for so many years that it will not be easy to detach but you can and must. Start working on improving yourself ie: gym, clothes, hairstyle, hygiene. After you've spent several months improving yourself, you'll been in a better frame of mind to decide if you want to have a relationship with her. You will be surprised at the kind of woman a 51 year old who has his $hit together can pull.
 
#15 ·
Thanks for all the advise, was lying in bed until 1:30 last night, could hear the ww snoring away, so I got up. She asked what was wrong, and I told her its you, and went down stairs. She followed, and I told her everything I had found, we talked until 4:15, no yelling, not because I did not want too, but the oldest son was upstairs, working in the area, so he spent the night I asked her why she did what she did, and her response was she is lonely and we have nothing in common. She tried to say she was just emailing a friend, so I told her that is funny, I do not get or send naked pictures to my friends. She asked me what I wanted her to do, and I told her, I do not know. I said I am not willing to share her, even with a guy, 900 miles away. I got the feeling she wants for me to be the bad guy and tell her to leave. She was remorseful, but only for hurting me, not really for what she did. I did send a message to the guy she is having the EA with, and told her. Going to be a long day.
 
#16 · (Edited)
Really sorry you're going through this again, but I have to say it seems like you're making the same mistakes again. She needs to know there are consequences for her actions, and you're not showing her ANY. I would file for divorce - that doesn't mean you actually have to go through with it, but I've seen other people here say that you need to be willing to lose her before you can possibly get her back.

That being said, if I were in your position, I would divorce with no looking back. You know she's cheated twice and she was pretty sophisticated in her methods this time - I'd be willing to bet there are other times you don't know about. Is that really the kind of wife you want to be married to? You need to get your self-respect back, and that isn't going to happen if you remain married and rugsweep again.
 
#17 ·
Lost in Iowa

If you want to kill the affair, print it out, put in envelopes addressed to every member of her family. Show her the envelopes and the contents, then ask her to drive you to the post office. She is a serial cheater, she won't stop, she needs therapy, you need a divorce. I would also plan on telling your children, not by mailing them copies, but getting them all together then surprise your wife with the "family meeting". I doubt she is remorseful for hurting you, she is remorseful for being caught, after all you have nothing in common. Sorry you are here and best of luck to you.
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#19 ·
Well, you should have been patient and gone through the steps that everyone mentioned: protect yourself legally, protect yourself financially, THEN confront. You did it bass ackwards. Now she can go clean out your joint accounts and get a jump on you in the divorce.

Now you will be playing catch-up. It would be best if you would listen to our advice and follow it.
 
#20 ·
OP, you should edit your original post and remove the email address your wife was using. She could google "herself" and find this thread. In fact, I just did that, and indeed, this thread was the only result that popped up.
 
#24 ·
Again, thanks for all the advise, I know from viewing this board for a few years, most people that post here have gone through a divorce. I know is easy to sit behind a screen and give out advise to a person that you have never met and don't know. I just need time to sort this out, I just sent her an email telling her to come home over lunch, my daughter and I will be out of the house and get some cloths for a few days. I told her to come home after work on Friday and we can talk then. I will say, that is not an easy situation to be in, my younger brothers wife left him a couple of months ago, and I have been telling him to divorce her and go on with his life. Now I am looking at the same deal, and I am really unsure my next step.

Thanks again for listening.
 
#32 ·
Again, thanks for all the advise, I know from viewing this board for a few years, most people that post here have gone through a divorce. I know is easy to sit behind a screen and give out advise to a person that you have never met and don't know. I just need time to sort this out, I just sent her an email telling her to come home over lunch, my daughter and I will be out of the house and get some cloths for a few days. I told her to come home after work on Friday and we can talk then. I will say, that is not an easy situation to be in, my younger brothers wife left him a couple of months ago, and I have been telling him to divorce her and go on with his life. Now I am looking at the same deal, and I am really unsure my next step.

Thanks again for listening.
Actually many on this board have successfully R'ed. It takes a remorseful wife willing to put in the work with strong husband that's willing to stand up for himself. If you read on here and other sites, you'll see the trend. The men who play nice guy and walk on egg shells get played again and again. The men who go shock & awe without a concern about the results get truly remorseful wives crawling back.

You 2 have a long history. How she came to want to throw everything away is sad. She didn't fall for a OM over time. She went looking to cheat. She thinks trolling on these cheater sites is exciting and makes her feel desired. She doesn't know she's just a cum bucket. With you she's wife, mother, and now grandmother. Without you she will be just another old divorcee bringing different loser after loser to family events with everyone shaking their heads wondering why she destroyed herself.

It's Shock & Awe time.
1. File for D ( you can remarry if she remorsefully earns your love back."
2. Expose to family & friends. (let her feel the shame of being a ****."
3. Implement the 180. (to help you detach)
4. Work on yourself for yourself
 
#25 ·
I feel for you man.

You ended your last post with "thanks for listening."

It does not matter so much that others listen to you as it does that you START LISTENING to the advice you are being given. You are being given solid, proven steps and you are ignoring them. We all know the outcome of the path you are on unless you start listening and following advice that works.

You obviously do not know how to fix this or figure it out on your own. Otherwise it would be fixed already. Stop following your thinking and listen to those that have been there. Please.....
 
#28 ·
I recommend that you suck up your hurt and be a lot more strategic in your tactics. do not telegraph any more of your evidence to her.

Consult with a divorce lawyer pronto. Get tested for STDs, she may have met the guy or will soon. Do not be intimate with her. Stop sleeping with her.

Your marriage is over, deal with that, not your fantasy of how it should be. That fantasy is not reality.

Protect yourself financially, make an exit strategy.

I divorced my cheating wife after several decades. I found a much better life once I excised the drama and negativity from my life. It is surprisingly easy once you take the first steps. Take them!
 
#29 ·
"we have nothing in common."

Yep...she is right.

You're loyal and were doing everything you could to save the M.

She is a selfish, disgusting serial cheat who does nothing but destroy her own H and family.

OP....stop trying....you have nothing to save here as she has already destroyed the M.

Kick this entitled princess to the curb....let her find out the hard way that she is no catch.

Decent, loyal, and committed men will want nothing to do with a serial cheating betrayer such as herself....the only guys she is going to find that want to spend time with her will be the ones who want to use her for sex, then dump her as soon as they are satisfied.

Let her discover the hard truth that she has thrown away the chance for a stable and loving family life in her later years (fast approaching btw) to go be a c*m dumpster for the most vile and disgusting POS men out there.

Your WW has thrown away her H and, as she will soon discover, the respect and devotion of her own kids for some cheap sexual thrills with utterly worthless men.

Stop trying to protect her from the consequences of her choices.....let her experience the new reality she has chosen.
 
#30 ·
lost in iowa

her response was she is lonely and we have nothing in common
You do realize just what a lie this is dont'cha?

You are married. That is a common item you both share.
You have 4 kids together and now a grandchild. That is a common item you both share.

I understand you do not want a D at 56. Who really would.

But I also know as a man I could not share my wife once, twice or even a third time.

Infidelity for some is a sickness.

She has lied to you and continues to do so. Most likely she has not stopped her hookups.

She will not be happy until someone gives her an STD or worse.....

Don't let that happen to you. You deserve better and maybe your wife is unable to give you better. And that might be the most disappointing fact in your relationship with her.

Just realize she is selfish. She loves some strange over your marriage.

Do yourself a favor. Show her consequences.

Have you ever exposed her cheating to family? Maybe it is time.

ANd it is ok to love a cheater. She is your wife after all whether she behaves like it or not.

But I do think it is time to love yourself more.

Now go follow your values and start showing her some consequences for her actions.

She needs and requires them. You have all the time in the world to decide what you want to do.

HM
 
#36 ·
Those are indeed your options. You wife likes you well enough that seeing you hurt makes her sad. But not sad enough to outweigh the pleasure she receives from OM.

I bet you never exposed her affair of five years ago. She has never paid any consequences for her actions. It’s like getting drunk and never having a hangover. Why in the world she give up the OM under these conditions.

Security and companionship are important to women and become even more vital as they grow older. You wrote here and your actions confirm that you will supply her those things no matter she does. Again, why would she ever stop?

The only leverage you have is to show her that her actions can jeopardize those things. You have received very good advice here. At the very least you should expose the current EA along with the five year old PA. Tell everyone that you gave her a chance and she’s back to her old ways.

No consequences sent her the message that what she did must not have been that bad after all. She needs feedback from other people to impress upon her just how bad it was. She should be begging you not to divorce her.
 
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