i have gotten some really good advice so far from u guys. I have finally realized that my W is having a EA/PA, and has been for a while. i have just been in denial about it. everyone (friends/family) has said she wouldn't do that, until The Guy pointed it out to me.... How stupid i have been, Im a practicioner in the criminal justice field, and so i know what people are capable of and how people can do things that you would have never thought they would do.
Question: It has only been 1 1/2 weeks since this separation started, obviously, she was just waiting till she got backed in a corner, and then bailed. so how do i go about it now?
she moved out and i am moving out asap (rental). we have not yet divided stuff but she has been civil so far. my paycheck is direct deposited on friday, so i will need to get money. i have cancelled it, but it won ttake effect until next paycheck. so do i let her know that i know? she has denied it to everyone so far. i just want to tell her i know and move on. however, i was thinking i should let our friends and her family know, to flush it out and make HER deal with it. i do not have proof of a PA but just the EA. does anyone have experience in this. i know if i talk to her brother it will get back to her that i know. I know if i tell my friends it will get back to her too. She had dinner with my best friends wife the other night. She said my wife disengaged and vague and painted a rosier picture than i had. My friends, even friends wives are behind me %100. i assume that they will still probably talk to her, i dont know if they will if they know she is cheating. or should i not say anything until after we have completely separated? at this point i dont think it is going to work out, so i am going to make myself better and move on. But im not the type of person to let something like this go. I was also thinking oof calling the OM's wife and letting her know. im sure this would throw a big monkey wrench in her plans.
i have gotten some really good advice so far from u guys. I have finally realized that my W is having a EA/PA, and has been for a while. i have just been in denial about it. everyone (friends/family) has said she wouldn't do that, until The Guy pointed it out to me.... How stupid i have been, Im a practicioner in the criminal justice field, and so i know what people are capable of and how people can do things that you would have never thought they would do.
Question: It has only been 1 1/2 weeks since this separation started, obviously, she was just waiting till she got backed in a corner, and then bailed. so how do i go about it now?
she moved out and i am moving out asap (rental). we have not yet divided stuff but she has been civil so far. my paycheck is direct deposited on friday, so i will need to get money. i have cancelled it, but it won ttake effect until next paycheck. so do i let her know that i know? she has denied it to everyone so far. i just want to tell her i know and move on. however, i was thinking i should let our friends and her family know, to flush it out and make HER deal with it. i do not have proof of a PA but just the EA. does anyone have experience in this. i know if i talk to her brother it will get back to her that i know. I know if i tell my friends it will get back to her too. She had dinner with my best friends wife the other night. She said my wife disengaged and vague and painted a rosier picture than i had. My friends, even friends wives are behind me %100. i assume that they will still probably talk to her, i dont know if they will if they know she is cheating. or should i not say anything until after we have completely separated? at this point i dont think it is going to work out, so i am going to make myself better and move on. But im not the type of person to let something like this go. I was also thinking oof calling the OM's wife and letting her know. im sure this would throw a big monkey wrench in her plans.
any thoughts on this?
I have a bachelor's degree in criminal justice, and an associate's in law degree. I currently work for a legal library at an Iowa University. I know first hand too all the ways people can do things that you never would have they would. Even with my work experinece and my education and all the evidence right in front of my face that my ex husband was cheating on me, I still did not want to believe. He cheated on me before and I gave him another chance after all his worthless promises he would never do it again. I really kicked myself pretty hard for taking him because it made me the stupid one. Anyways...yes, you need to expose her and let the OM's wife now. You need to let everyone know what she is doing and put an end to her affair. She is getting cake while you keep everything hush-hush. It does no good to keep this quite.
Thanks, that was kind of my thoughts on it too. do you think i should wait till we have separated completely before doing this? I am having dinner with friends tonight and will definitely tell them, otherwise, i dont see how they could help or give advice if they don't know the truth.
I know if it was the other way around, i would want the OM's wife to let me know. I dont know who he is, have his cell number though. im sure through a little research i can figure out who it is.
I had just figured this out last night (well thats when my brain finally told my heart to shut the f*@k up for a minute), so i wanted to get some thoughts on how to go about it the right way, if there is one.
I'm in the criminal justice field myself, so not much surprises me anymore. Unfortunately, you have discovered this after she's already moved out. Have you read the 180 yet? I will PM you the elements of the 180 because I cant post it here. And you will need to expose the A to all, especially the OMs wife.
Of course, you are going to have to have proof. Enough proof that if this were a court of law, you would be able to get a conviction. That means checking the computer, phone records, everything. If she has used your computer for communicating while in the affair, you can download programs to check for it and any passwords and usernames that were used.
Thanks, that was kind of my thoughts on it too. do you think i should wait till we have separated completely before doing this? I am having dinner with friends tonight and will definitely tell them, otherwise, i dont see how they could help or give advice if they don't know the truth.
I know if it was the other way around, i would want the OM's wife to let me know. I dont know who he is, have his cell number though. im sure through a little research i can figure out who it is.
I had just figured this out last night (well thats when my brain finally told my heart to shut the f*@k up for a minute), so i wanted to get some thoughts on how to go about it the right way, if there is one.
You said this an EA only? Do you suspect a PA at all? Are you wanting R with your WW? And yes, the OM's wife deserves the truth. She may know already or at the least be suspcious of something. I contacted the boyfriend of my ex's ow and it turned out he knew alot that I did not know about their relationship myself and I found out that the affair was much deeper than I knew. So just prepare yourself in case the OM's wife knows stuff you do not, or be prepared for her to know nothing and for her to shoot the messenger. Dont take offense if the OM's wife gets angry at you. Having to hear your spouse is cheating is pretty hard to swallow.
Yes, listen to your brain now. Our hearts want to ignore everything and for us to keep living happily in la la land but it's time to turn off the switch to your heart and turn on the switch to your brain. Your wife will get angry at you for exposing her but this needs to be done. If you do tell your friends tonight, take any advice they give you with a grain of salt because unless they've been through this before themselves, they have no idea how to properly handle the crisis. You have found a good place here to help you.
Ok thanks, i have read a lot of other posts and found good info. its amazing how people so different and far away can experience the same feelings as you.
Before i knew about the EA/PA, i was focused on myself and a lot of things i did and didn't do that contributed to this. i think that has already helped. now im just pissed...
As to "how" to tell OM's wife, three points I'd insert:
1) however it is delivered, yo uwant to be sure it gets to HER and not intercepted. Certified, validated, live discussion, whatever it takes - be certain it's her.
2) she MAY not want to know details, so don't force them upon her. All you need to tell her is that you are aware of her hubby and your stbx engaged in an affair. Volunteer your availability to discuss further details if she wants them.
3) Recognize that SHE may have further details that she could share with you... find a way to ask, if you'd want to know. Make her an ally if you can.
I knew the OM and his wife, and while I informed her via email and she responded, we've never spoken since she sent that email reply. I don't think she wants to hear any details, and I respect that wish.
Ok thanks, i have read a lot of other posts and found good info. its amazing how people so different and far away can experience the same feelings as you.
Before i knew about the EA/PA, i was focused on myself and a lot of things i did and didn't do that contributed to this. i think that has already helped. now im just pissed...
Yeah. Even with all our work experience and looking at other people's lives but when it happens to us and right under our own noses simply because we did not want to believe that about the one we love, we tend to feel pretty stupid. I do legal research for my job, I teach students how to use the legal library and how to do online research on how to find out information yet I ignored all my ex's cheater signs and it took me some time before I started using my smarts to expose him and the ow. I "knew" what was going on, I just did not "want to know".
Never blame yourself for your wife's affair. You may have contributed to some problems in the marriage but you did NOT make her cheat on you. That was her choice.
so far i only know of an EA. but looking back, there are signs that it was more than likely a PA too. i found out by her text messages with him, which were very sexually graphic. i think im going to do a little research so i dont bring it up with only one round in the chamber(texts).
thanks for the advice on talking to the OM's W. i was worried about him intercepting if i didn't talk to her directly. As for her anger, i am more than willing to deal with it. i know i would go through a wide range of emotions, real fast, if she called me about it.
Your right about my friends though, they have never been through something like this, so hopefully they can just provide support. i dont think they can really understand unless you have gone through something like this.
I read the 180. Good stuff. I am already doing some of this, but the rest i will do. i know im strong enough to do it.
Question: What do i do this weekend when she comes over to pack? i will do the 180, but should i even bring up the affair, which she still denies to everybody? my thoughts are i wont. i think i'll just contact the OM's W and let go of the tail on his end. i will also let everyone else know, which i think will bring her out of her little rosie fairy tale she's in right now.
so far i only know of an EA. but looking back, there are signs that it was more than likely a PA too. i found out by her text messages with him, which were very sexually graphic. i think im going to do a little research so i dont bring it up with only one round in the chamber(texts).
thanks for the advice on talking to the OM's W. i was worried about him intercepting if i didn't talk to her directly. As for her anger, i am more than willing to deal with it. i know i would go through a wide range of emotions, real fast, if she called me about it.
Your right about my friends though, they have never been through something like this, so hopefully they can just provide support. i dont think they can really understand unless you have gone through something like this.
RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG on the graphic text messages. That is exactly how I became suspicious of my ex's romps. I found a very graphic, sexual text thread between him and ow. (He had 2 ow, this was from the first ow) when I confronted him about it, he denied anything happen and that he was only being stupid and it didnt mean anything. I believed him because I wanted to, because it was easier to not look at the truth at the time. Just a week later, I found out about a second ow by what? By text messages of courses. This time it wasnt sexual but it was just inappropriate enough to raise more flags. He did stop contact with first ow (turns out he was sleeping with her) but he is still today involved with the 2nd ow and yes, he was banging her too.
I have a feeling there may be more than you know.
I read the 180. Good stuff. I am already doing some of this, but the rest i will do. i know im strong enough to do it.
Question: What do i do this weekend when she comes over to pack? i will do the 180, but should i even bring up the affair, which she still denies to everybody? my thoughts are i wont. i think i'll just contact the OM's W and let go of the tail on his end. i will also let everyone else know, which i think will bring her out of her little rosie fairy tale she's in right now.
dont mention the affair unless you have evidence to back it up such as a paper trail or her on tape or some sort of evidence that does not let her get away with it. If you cant prove it, she's going to laugh at you. Do the 180, perhaps not even be there when she comes over to pack. Another thread on here is called "just let them go" read that also. Good stuff there.
Yeah, i've come to the realization of that too. I dont know if i even want to know details, or even care at this point. i think at this point it is a complete separation of all ties. especially since she wont even admit to it, which i dont even care about now.
after talking about it, i feel that i just have to move on. if she wants to talk about it down the road... we'll see. i am just going the let the OM's W know and move on. any advice on this weekend?
just saw ur reply, i think i wont mention it till i have more proof which i dont know if i can get. after looking, she has been covering her tracks pretty good. i guess all that matters is that i know, the OM's W will know and our family and friends will know.
Ok, really need some help with this. I haven't gotten many different answers and none of them came from people who have been through something like this.
i have done some more research, and well, obviously my W (sorry, cheating W) has covered her tracks well. i really dont think i will be able to find any concrete evidence. she has cut out all information about the OM, including from her friends. she met him on FB (reconnected) and has hid information from everyone. she still tells them she broke it off i have the OM's cell #, that i copied when i saw the texts. tried doing reverse search, didn't work, may try another. she is doing well so far from keeping his name a secret, and i assume this is because he is married too.
i need to know if you think i should continue to try and track his name down or just tell her i know and keep moving on. i have also just thought about calling the OM and confronting him and tell him my next call is too his wife, although i dont know who he or his W is.
i feel like i really need to find somewhat of a closure on this. i know i said i would just move on, but i cant let it go, nor do i feel like i should. so do i just keep telling friends and family as i see them, as she will be denying it to them. do i call the guy like i said earlier. do i not mention it, keep moving on and know that a giant s*#t storm will catch up to her eventually.
i feel at this point that there is no chance of getting back togethor, no kids, house, major financial issues. i know im a good catch, and she screwed it up. i feel like i need to move on. im 32 and not getting younger and have always wanted a family. i dont know if the work that would need to be done would even be worth it, especially since she is still denying it and i can see this dragging out a long time. i am still in love with the old W, the new one is a completely different person. i dont know if i could love the new her, especially since it is all lies.
i am ready to move on, do you have thoughts on this closure or moving on without it. I know i will never get REAL closure, but i feel there needs to be some type of closure. thanks I'll hang up and listen...lol
How do i attack this 
i have the OM's cell #, that i copied when i saw the texts. tried doing reverse search, didn't work, may try another. she is doing well so far from keeping his name a secret, and i assume this is because he is married too. 
