My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker - Page 10 - Talk About Marriage
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post #136 of 5069 (permalink) Old 08-02-2015, 11:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

I promise to update you all soon. It's late and i just read all comments from last two weeks. I tuned out on you. Coming back and reading the new comments has been discouraging. There is a lot to say. I don't know how this lands. It can land any which way right now. The affair is over (for now) as I confronted this guy and we had a very civil conversation (considering he ****ed my wife). I have eyes and ears all over the place so I'm pretty confident in all of my sources, including friends working as double agents, a quick glimpse of her text messages, and one of her co-workers. I'd make a great detective, but that doesnt solve the bigger issue.

Bottom line, still fighting for my marriage. There's been good days and bad. I will be back when I have an hour to type, I promise


Last edited by gridcom; 09-05-2015 at 05:14 PM.
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post #137 of 5069 (permalink) Old 08-03-2015, 12:07 AM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

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Originally Posted by gridcom View Post
I promise to update you all soon. It's late and i just read all comments from last two weeks. I tuned out on you. Coming back and reading the new comments has been discouraging. There is a lot to say. I don't know how this lands. It can land any which way right now. The affair is over (for now) as I confronted this guy and we had a very civil conversation (considering he ****ed my wife). I have eyes and ears all over the place so I'm pretty confident in all of my sources, including friends working as double agents, a quick glimpse of her text messages, some guy I paid on Craigslist, and one of her co-workers. I'd make a great detective, but that doesnt solve the bigger issue.

Bottom line, still fighting for my marriage. There's been good days and bad. I will be back when I have an hour to type, I promise
That's fine and all, but how about your wife?

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #138 of 5069 (permalink) Old 08-03-2015, 12:25 AM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

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That's fine and all, but how about your wife?
Yeah--if your wife isn't willing to fight for the marriage, it's a losing battle, bro.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #139 of 5069 (permalink) Old 08-03-2015, 12:36 AM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

Hi Grid,

First your issues: dont change for her, change for yourself so you will have a better relationship with her or someone else (and I don't mean younger and hotter. I mean the healthy marriage she and you wanted )

Second you do not leave the house, ever ! At the very least you leave the marriage is over and daddy issues set in for the girls.

Third: your girls, they need you more then her at this stage of their life.. How many women have daddy issues vs mommy issues. Read up on the subject,

Finally if the marriage fails what form does the divoice settlement take? What are your vulnerabilities in court ? Address them now. Rembeber she said she hates you !
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post #140 of 5069 (permalink) Old 08-03-2015, 07:17 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

Hi all-

Where to begin. Well, I'll work backwards. Someone should have sent me the link for the thread for newbies right out of the gate (apologies if someone did). I read that last night and it was honestly very painful/sobering.

I've been gone from here for a few weeks because the "negativity" here was counter to what I have been trying to do, which is save my marriage. A ton has happened, as you can imagine. I've made a few newbie mistakes, one of which was I did send my wife a link to this thread a few weeks ago to show her what.....eh, you know why I sent her the link. Anyway, I dont think she has come here in a while (if ever).

That said, her affair is over (for now). There may be a "Fishing" attempt at some point, I'd have to assume. I confronted the guy twice. The first time I was so on point and relaxed and it ended with him basically crying and trying to convince me he is a better human being than one who would sleep with a married woman. They immediately stopped contact, but then only 5 days later, my wife reached out and he reciprocated (just texts). Then I called him again. Since then, there has been zero contact.

On the flipside, my wife and I are trying to reconcile. Me full throttle, and her not so full throttle. Her family and friends (who know) have overwhelmingly put the pressure on her and the heat to work things out with me. I am doing everything in my power to be as nice as can be, and we've had some good days (days where I give her space, be nice, be fun, keep it simple) and some not so good days (emotional rollercoaster). I dont know if I mentioned, but my wife is a christian and I am agnositc. I have started to go to church with her (because why not and what's the worst that can happen). There is a woman at her church who she really respects and she opened up to this woman and subsequently I also reached out to this woman and here we are 2 weeks after that started and this woman and I are talking daily. She is such a calm yet positive force. She is the only person who's had any luck shifting my wife to any other point of view. Her father and her sister, who both came at her pretty aggressively, have had no luck. Her best friend and her had an argument recently. Not specifically about this, but her friend was very much also against my wife doing anything but reconciliation. They had an argument where essentially my wife accused her friend of being a bad parent (in a very very roundabout way) and her friend was so appalled at the nerve of my wife (the irony, considering) that she has stopped talking to my wife and has ended the friendship (for now, it's been a week).

The woman at my wife's church gave us books to read. The one I am reading is this: http://www.amazon.com/DNA-Relationsh...+relationships
This book, while God oriented, is pretty on point on the basic failing of communication in a marriage. There have been passages where my heart beats hard because it's so on point to what my wife and I have gone through in our marriage. It makes me understand that a happy marriage was not far off (at least before the affair). My wife is reading this: http://www.amazon.com/DNA-Relationsh...+relationships
which is essentially the same book, but written with 4 couples that are going through intense counciling would go through.

Anyway, we also have seen her Paster, and have had a few more MC sessions. My wife's basic attitude right now is that she wants to WANT to reconcile, but is honest with me that she's not feeling it right now and makes no promises she ever will. Sobering and painful; plus the fact that this affair happened (currently past tense, but legitimately past tense) is right now hard for me to swallow and move on. She hasn't shown the remorse necessary. My begging and pleading has allowed her to justify her poor behavior and it's more about what a sh*tty husband I was when in reality now that the dust settled I wasnt nearly as sh*tty as one could be sh*tty to justify sleeping with another man. But, still, no remorse. She's not being an a**hole, and is friendly if I am friendly, but thats it.

I have two young girls here, who are 10 and 5. They are oblivious to any trouble, but I am in Limbo so I'm sure they must have a sense of some pain coming from me. My wife doesn't seen to recognize that if did the 180, these kids would instantly be affected in ways that I am terrified of. My stance has simply been "this is the biggest decision of your entire life, and there are the lives of multiple people at stake. We should be doing everything we can to get back to the center and making the marriage work", which I feel is a positive approach and the best approach for my girls. However, this is not the approach this website and forums suggest and coming back here last night had me in tears with the reality of my situation.

One option for me, due to the nature of my job, is I have been thinking of just leaving for 6-8 weeks. As in, disappearing from my wife for that length of time. No contact. The money would still come into our joint account so she can pay the bills. I would Facetime with my daughters only, and cut off all contact with my wife. Her sister said to me that she cant miss me or appreciate what positives I did bring to her life if I am here, begging. I think this may be a way to save marriage, or at least have it roll in the right direction. Most people cant afford to just up and leave town because their job requires them to physically be somewhere. I have the luxury of working wherever I am. As long as my brain and fingers work, and this computer works and there is wi-fi, I am good to go. I've talked to a lawyer and he said as long as I am not gone more than 6 months (NY State) it's not abandonment if you leave the money unchanged. This idea is starting to steamroll in my head. My wife is living with a walking disaster.

Last edited by gridcom; 09-05-2015 at 05:12 PM.
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post #141 of 5069 (permalink) Old 08-03-2015, 07:31 AM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

Nothing is going to change with you trying to "nice" her back into the relationship. See, TAM is more of a tough love approach. If you are going to bypass what we tell you then maybe Marriage Builders would be more palatable website for you to get help. Feel free to vent here but if she knows about this site then you have lost your safe place. She will know every tactic you are going to try and she will come up with a counter tactic.

You have made just about every mistake a guy can make.

Oh and I guarantee if you disappear, your wife will file for divorce based on abandonment. You will lose your kids and any support you have gained with friends and family, and she will quickly resume her affair and might even move the other man in to take your place.

You just make one bad decision after another. You will not listen to people with experience. But you know what? It's is your life man. Do what you want.
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post #142 of 5069 (permalink) Old 08-03-2015, 07:54 AM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

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One option for me, due to the nature of my job, is I have been thinking of just leaving for 6-8 weeks. As in, disappearing from my wife for that length of time. No contact. The money would still come into our joint account so she can pay the bills. I would Facetime with my daughters only, and cut off all contact with my wife.
This is a terrible idea!

Do not just "disappear" for 6-8 weeks. The judge will have a field day with that if/when it comes time for a custody hearing. If she wants a divorce, she can leave.

Meanwhile, you can do what thousands upon thousands of couples do who are awaiting divorce. They continue to live in the same house, as separately as possible. Move HER out of the master bedroom into a guest bedroom or the couch. Be pleasant and courteous, but avoid chit-chat and hovering.

You cannot be a "nice guy" AND win her back. It just doesn't work that way. Time to get tough.

I agree with bandit. You are not really taking any of the advice offered, you seem to just want to do it your way. That's your prerogative. But don't be surprised when things don't go the way you are hoping.

"Love is chemicals masquerading as choices!"
~ Sandfly
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post #143 of 5069 (permalink) Old 08-03-2015, 08:09 AM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

True reconciliation isn't possible unless the wayward spouse shows real remorse, and does the heavy lifting to win you back!

Your cheater wife hasn't done any of the above, and so what you have is a false reconciliation. You're doing all the work, you're "changing", you're attempting to win her back.

It's lame, man. She cannot respect you.

Odds are the affair is only on temporary hold, not ended like you believe. Your WW is holding out for the affair to resume.

Get this notion of disappearing for an extended time, in order to show your wife what it's like to live without you, out of your head. It's ridiculous, and your kids need their father present. Your WW will just take it as an opportunity to resume her affair(s). She wants you gone, get it?

The best thing you can do, if you want to snap your WW out of the affair fog, is to serve her with D papers. Show her that you will not tolerate her behavior, and if she's not "all in", then she's out.

If she suddenly changes heart and starts showing remorse, then you can call off the D and worry about rebuilding your marriage with counselling.

"A healthy choice to enforce boundaries by walking away from a dysfunctional relationship has more to do with recognizing the likeliest outcomes than with wanting to punish or retaliate against one's wayward spouse."

-TAM member Moxy
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post #144 of 5069 (permalink) Old 08-03-2015, 08:23 AM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

Did you get the two ooks linked to below? MMSLP is a relationship guide to win back a wife that is no longer attracted to her husband. At least read the reviews on amazon.
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post #145 of 5069 (permalink) Old 08-03-2015, 11:31 AM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

Gridcom,
I hate to see you do this to yourself because you're actively participating in no chance of real reconciliation. You'll have to look back on this one day and realize that you sabotaged what you say you're trying to save because you were afraid to accept a few realities. For starters the only person you control is yourself. It's way past the point of discussing with her why she needs to stop. Now is the time to set your expectations and let her know what it will take for her to stay with you. Then it's 100% her choice to abide or not and then it's your choice to do what you have to do. As it stands you're still snooping and threatening which says you're trying to control the situation; trying to control her. Do you really think that can work? Secondly you're rationalizing that you're being nice but your wife can see that you're desperate to keep her and in her mind you'll take whatever you can get. Why would she think otherwise?

Let me say it loud and clear, you deserve to be with someone who's loyal so don't lower the bar because you're afraid. If she's cheating then the person she is today is not someone you want.

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post #146 of 5069 (permalink) Old 08-03-2015, 12:11 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

Why on earth should she CARE about saving the marriage when you've made it clear you'll stay no matter what she does?

And tell me why she would WANT you when you're throwing yourself at her? We want what we can't have and we pity whatever throws itself at us.

Right now you're being pitiful. And I'm not trying to say that as a dis, but as an education. Psychologically, you are NOT APPEALING.
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post #147 of 5069 (permalink) Old 08-03-2015, 12:21 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

BTW. Your wife's skanky ass has about as much to do with Jesus as the head of Isis has to do with a gay pride parade.

Since you're not a believer, tell her what a great testimony to her faith fvcking other men was for you and your daughters are sure to want to follow in her footsteps someday.

People that claim Christianity while acting like fvcking livestock in heat drive me nuts!

Glad she has a church lady she is listening to but your wife needs the heat! Bring some repercussions for her idiocy or prolong everyone's suffering.

Even the bible talks about repentance, paying back, repercussions for crappie actions.

You can't make your WW be a better person. She has to come to the conclusion that being a tramp is undesirable.

You can make her suffer consequences for her behavior which actually might help her stop being a slvt and shape up.

You are right to be concerned for your children because your wife cares more for her crotch right now than their well being and future.

You need to treat evil like it is evil and stamp that shyt down!

Your wife is a terrible mother. If she doesn't break out of this, they will be stuck with slvt mom for years. Maybe for the rest of their lives.

Do you need to have her as your wife?

If you answered yes, you are screwed.

The truth is you don't need her. Especially the slvt version who couldn't care less about what her crotch monster is doing to her family.

If you aren't willing to shock some sense into her by putting divorce papers in front of her and cutting her completely off emotionally, then I don't think you even have a chance at reconciliation.

Good job at scaring the shyt out of OM. Dealing him trouble in his life is right.

If he is busy trying to put out fires and fix damage, he won't be trying anything else with your WW much less anyone else.

If you can cause him some disruption, do it.
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post #148 of 5069 (permalink) Old 08-03-2015, 12:29 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

This is like watching a blindfolded guy walk along the edge of the Grand Canyon.
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post #149 of 5069 (permalink) Old 08-03-2015, 12:52 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

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This is like watching a blindfolded guy walk along the edge of the Grand Canyon.
Actually that might be amusing. This is just painful to watch. He has to learn his own way like so many others.

Just sad.

C
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post #150 of 5069 (permalink) Old 08-03-2015, 01:34 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

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BTW. Your wife's skanky ass has about as much to do with Jesus as the head of Isis has to do with a gay pride parade.

Since you're not a believer, tell her what a great testimony to her faith fvcking other men was for you and your daughters are sure to want to follow in her footsteps someday.

People that claim Christianity while acting like fvcking livestock in heat drive me nuts!

Glad she has a church lady she is listening to but your wife needs the heat! Bring some repercussions for her idiocy or prolong everyone's suffering.

Even the bible talks about repentance, paying back, repercussions for crappie actions.

You can't make your WW be a better person. She has to come to the conclusion that being a tramp is undesirable.

You can make her suffer consequences for her behavior which actually might help her stop being a slvt and shape up.

You are right to be concerned for your children because your wife cares more for her crotch right now than their well being and future.

You need to treat evil like it is evil and stamp that shyt down!

Your wife is a terrible mother. If she doesn't break out of this, they will be stuck with slvt mom for years. Maybe for the rest of their lives.

Do you need to have her as your wife?

If you answered yes, you are screwed.

The truth is you don't need her. Especially the slvt version who couldn't care less about what her crotch monster is doing to her family.

If you aren't willing to shock some sense into her by putting divorce papers in front of her and cutting her completely off emotionally, then I don't think you even have a chance at reconciliation.

Good job at scaring the shyt out of OM. Dealing him trouble in his life is right.

If he is busy trying to put out fires and fix damage, he won't be trying anything else with your WW much less anyone else.

If you can cause him some disruption, do it.
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In biblical times, they stoned adulterers.

The more I read here on TAM, the more I think that's an appropriate punishment.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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