Where to begin. Well, I'll work backwards. Someone should have sent me the link for the thread for newbies right out of the gate (apologies if someone did). I read that last night and it was honestly very painful/sobering.
I've been gone from here for a few weeks because the "negativity" here was counter to what I have been trying to do, which is save my marriage. A ton has happened, as you can imagine. I've made a few newbie mistakes, one of which was I did send my wife a link to this thread a few weeks ago to show her what.....eh, you know why I sent her the link. Anyway, I dont think she has come here in a while (if ever).
That said, her affair is over (for now). There may be a "Fishing" attempt at some point, I'd have to assume. I confronted the guy twice. The first time I was so on point and relaxed and it ended with him basically crying and trying to convince me he is a better human being than one who would sleep with a married woman. They immediately stopped contact, but then only 5 days later, my wife reached out and he reciprocated (just texts). Then I called him again. Since then, there has been zero contact.
On the flipside, my wife and I are trying to reconcile. Me full throttle, and her not so full throttle. Her family and friends (who know) have overwhelmingly put the pressure on her and the heat to work things out with me. I am doing everything in my power to be as nice as can be, and we've had some good days (days where I give her space, be nice, be fun, keep it simple) and some not so good days (emotional rollercoaster). I dont know if I mentioned, but my wife is a christian and I am agnositc. I have started to go to church with her (because why not and what's the worst that can happen). There is a woman at her church who she really respects and she opened up to this woman and subsequently I also reached out to this woman and here we are 2 weeks after that started and this woman and I are talking daily. She is such a calm yet positive force. She is the only person who's had any luck shifting my wife to any other point of view. Her father and her sister, who both came at her pretty aggressively, have had no luck. Her best friend and her had an argument recently. Not specifically about this, but her friend was very much also against my wife doing anything but reconciliation. They had an argument where essentially my wife accused her friend of being a bad parent (in a very very roundabout way) and her friend was so appalled at the nerve of my wife (the irony, considering) that she has stopped talking to my wife and has ended the friendship (for now, it's been a week).
The woman at my wife's church gave us books to read. The one I am reading is this: http://www.amazon.com/DNA-Relationsh...+relationships
This book, while God oriented, is pretty on point on the basic failing of communication in a marriage. There have been passages where my heart beats hard because it's so on point to what my wife and I have gone through in our marriage. It makes me understand that a happy marriage was not far off (at least before the affair). My wife is reading this: http://www.amazon.com/DNA-Relationsh...+relationships
which is essentially the same book, but written with 4 couples that are going through intense counciling would go through.
Anyway, we also have seen her Paster, and have had a few more MC sessions. My wife's basic attitude right now is that she wants to WANT to reconcile, but is honest with me that she's not feeling it right now and makes no promises she ever will. Sobering and painful; plus the fact that this affair happened (currently past tense, but legitimately past tense) is right now hard for me to swallow and move on. She hasn't shown the remorse necessary. My begging and pleading has allowed her to justify her poor behavior and it's more about what a sh*tty husband I was when in reality now that the dust settled I wasnt nearly as sh*tty as one could be sh*tty to justify sleeping with another man. But, still, no remorse. She's not being an a**hole, and is friendly if I am friendly, but thats it.
I have two young girls here, who are 10 and 5. They are oblivious to any trouble, but I am in Limbo so I'm sure they must have a sense of some pain coming from me. My wife doesn't seen to recognize that if did the 180, these kids would instantly be affected in ways that I am terrified of. My stance has simply been "this is the biggest decision of your entire life, and there are the lives of multiple people at stake. We should be doing everything we can to get back to the center and making the marriage work", which I feel is a positive approach and the best approach for my girls. However, this is not the approach this website and forums suggest and coming back here last night had me in tears with the reality of my situation.
One option for me, due to the nature of my job, is I have been thinking of just leaving for 6-8 weeks. As in, disappearing from my wife for that length of time. No contact. The money would still come into our joint account so she can pay the bills. I would Facetime with my daughters only, and cut off all contact with my wife. Her sister said to me that she cant miss me or appreciate what positives I did bring to her life if I am here, begging. I think this may be a way to save marriage, or at least have it roll in the right direction. Most people cant afford to just up and leave town because their job requires them to physically be somewhere. I have the luxury of working wherever I am. As long as my brain and fingers work, and this computer works and there is wi-fi, I am good to go. I've talked to a lawyer and he said as long as I am not gone more than 6 months (NY State) it's not abandonment if you leave the money unchanged. This idea is starting to steamroll in my head. My wife is living with a walking disaster.