My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 5067 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 05:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

Re: The Great Santini, when I first started watching it, I was kind of appalled at the comparison. Once the movie was over, I understood why he had me watch it. To answer your questions, I am definitely not as bad as that pr*ck and more notably I actually do have terrific relationships with both of my kids. I do show them a lot of love, kindness and affection. They are the only people on the planet who I have no issue showing affection to in any setting. My wife says it's because they do whatever I tell them to (clean your room, etc) without argument and I think thats a valid point.

But, no, that guy was a pr*ck to his kids. I am not

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post #47 of 5067 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 05:58 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker


Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #48 of 5067 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 06:19 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

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Originally Posted by gridcom View Post

Either way, become a better man. If it saves my family, great. If it still costs me my wife, but I make some changes, still a silver lining.

Bottom line, though, husbands and wives shouldnt give up on a marriage so easy. The alternative here is to "walk away with my head held high" and let me tell you...if I walk away my head is not going to be held high.
I'm glad you feel this way (the part I bolded) because I think that ultimately you're going to need to hang on to that truth. Your wife is not showing remorse and you're in competition with another man. This won't end well until she owns her part in your failed marriage just like you've owned your part. Take her off the pedestal you have her on. She's not perfect.
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post #49 of 5067 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 06:22 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

So I gather nobody in your wife's life has been told she's cheating...
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post #50 of 5067 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 06:31 PM Thread Starter
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The people in her life that know:

2 of her HS friends who are both single who encouraged this because of the way she been treated.
1 more recent friend of hers that she confides in who doesn't approve
Her father, who I told mainly because he doesn't gossip and I needed to tell someone more experienced in my life. Totally doesn't approve and is upset with her
A confidant at her church and I have no idea what's been said

Yes I have spared her the coming out of this because I think it can be fixed without shaming.

I know.....
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post #51 of 5067 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 06:58 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

You are in panic mode because your wife wants to end the marriage to be with another man, but IF she comes out of the fog and expresses a desire to reconcile, that panic may well turn into anger and bitterness on your part. Don't kid yourself, it happens to a lot of BS in your situation and knowing how to let go of it is essential for not just the well being of the marriage but for yours as well. And no matter what happens to your marriage, it is essential that you start the exorcism of the toxic twins, anger and bitterness, from your heart and soul as soon as possible.

Please consider not making any commitments either for or against continuing with the marriage for at least a couple of months so that you can get a better handle on your emotions which right now are all over the place and ruling your actions. Any long term and life altering decisions on your part must be done with your head and not your heart.

'I'd rather live by a dream, than live by a lie.
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post #52 of 5067 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 07:07 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

gridcom, don't think for a minute I condone what she's doing. It's destructive in every way.....unfortunately a spouse that's disconnected from the marriage can be vulnerable to the attention of another. The correct thing to do is resist and deal with the marriage but that doesn't always happen.

If you get to the point where OM is out and both of you are committed to healing, this link might be helpful:

https://coachjackito.com/blog/i-changed-wife-come-back/

It gives a good perspective on why it's so hard to get a woman back when she's disconnected from the marriage. And either way it'll be helpful for you in your personal growth as it is a great glimpse into the mind of a walk away.

I hope you guys can salvage this if it's what you both want.
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post #53 of 5067 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 07:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

Morituri, from the moment I heard about this, there has been not one bit of anger or bitterness in me. Honest truth. I keep thinking about that and I think it speaks volumes for how much I've come to understand how much of a demolition man I've been to my own marriage. Yes, it took this act to make that realization happen. Yes, the realization is real. I cant imagine that I will eventually feel bitterness or anger from this current event. Future actions may be a different story altogether.

It's funny you say any long term decisions need to come from the head and not the heart. She has been very vocal that she wants to follow her heart here, and not her head. So yeah.

Lifeistooshort, your avatar looks like my wife except she has two eyes
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post #54 of 5067 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 07:42 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

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I keep thinking about that and I think it speaks volumes for how much I've come to understand how much of a demolition man I've been to my own marriage. Yes, it took this act to make that realization happen. Yes, the realization is real. I cant imagine that I will eventually feel bitterness or anger from this current event. Future actions may be a different story altogether.

It's funny you say any long term decisions need to come from the head and not the heart. She has been very vocal that she wants to follow her heart here, and not her head. So yeah.
So she woke you from your jerk fog by pulling a 180 on you (her affair caused her to not care and pull away which is 180). See how quickly that caused you to come to an epiphany and re-evaluate things? That's because it's human nature grid. She's being the jerk now so how are you going to wake her up. Putting up with things she doesn't think you should put up is almost certainly the wrong answer.
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post #55 of 5067 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 07:47 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

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Morituri, from the moment I heard about this, there has been not one bit of anger or bitterness in me. Honest truth. I keep thinking about that and I think it speaks volumes for how much I've come to understand how much of a demolition man I've been to my own marriage. Yes, it took this act to make that realization happen. Yes, the realization is real.
This is a really great start for YOUR part in the reconciliation process. What's she doing?

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post #56 of 5067 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 07:49 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

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Jld's approach is really solid, once she's out of the affair. MC is worthless when someone is in an active affair. . You can't compete with the high of a new, illicit relationship. You are basically dealing with an addict, and begging, reasoning, will only work against you.


Save jld's link for if/when you get to the actual stage of reconciliation. Prior to that stage, following that advice will only make you look like a weak, whiny doormat.

The affair HAS to end. And you have to snap her back into reality. Reconciliation is only a pipe-dream as long as the other man is in the picture, or in her thoughts.

"Love is chemicals masquerading as choices!"
~ Sandfly
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post #57 of 5067 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 07:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

Thundarr, are you suggesting that by cutting the chord entirely, doing "the 180" cutting her off emotionally even if by pretend, agreeing to a divorce, telling the world about her affair and shaming her, ripping my kids (especially my older one) apart, and actually living the life of a sad man on the other side of town has better odds of a reconciliation than the approach I am currently taking? I mean, 4,300+ posts you are certainly more experienced in these dilemmas than me, but that seems completely backwards.

The "180" seems like a good move for a person who has been cheated on by a person who has no reason to cheat, a person who is truly a sc*mbag. And in that case, who would want to be with a person like that anyway.

My wife had reason to cheat. I should change the name of this thread to "My wife cheated and I love her more for it"
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post #58 of 5067 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 07:52 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

It's basic psychology. We want what we can't have. You can't have her now so you WOKE UP. Now she knows she can have you. AND him. Tell me why she'll now care.

Have you done any reading about women in affairs? They don't cheat for the same reason as men, who usually cheat because they want more sex (sometimes more affection). Women usually don't cheat until they have stopped loving their husband and then another man starts paying attention to them. IOW, they cheat for love. If she has two men professing love, she's unlikely to go BACK to the one who has continuously hurt her. At least not unless the NEW 'love' hurts her equally.

I mean, you have a shot, if you can hold out for a year or two til the OM leaves. But I'll warn you now, once you 'get' her back, you're likely to go into a mindset of 'screw her!' Once you are out of the fear stage, which is what's keeping you from being mad at her, the anger will show up. Just be prepared.`
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post #59 of 5067 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 07:53 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

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Morituri, from the moment I heard about this, there has been not one bit of anger or bitterness in me. Honest truth. I keep thinking about that and I think it speaks volumes for how much I've come to understand how much of a demolition man I've been to my own marriage. Yes, it took this act to make that realization happen. Yes, the realization is real. I cant imagine that I will eventually feel bitterness or anger from this current event. Future actions may be a different story altogether.
I'd like for you to take a read to Just Let Them Go. And not because I want to sway you in divorcing your wife but to make you think in letting your wife see that you are willing to let her go so that she can be much happier. Why? Because any attempt on your part to tell her not to divorce you or that you'll change will fall on deaf ears and the resentment she has been carrying for years will become even stronger. You need to let the OM (other man) take care of her and all of her needs. Chances are good that once he and your wife start having to deal with everyday reality, that any fantasy dream world will come crashing down on top of her. IF and that happens, the fog will clear from your wife's mind and she may see that she has made a grave error. It is at this point that she may be open to marital reconciliation, if you still want it.

Quote:
It's funny you say any long term decisions need to come from the head and not the heart. She has been very vocal that she wants to follow her heart here, and not her head. So yeah.
And when people make decisions based solely on their heart, later on they usually end up regretting it because these choices tend to come back to bite them in the @$$. Just like your emotional outbursts and disrespectful behavior towards your wife have now come to bite you big time (the same is likely to happen to your wife). So try to chill and concentrate on becoming a better you not because you want your wife back but because you want it for yourself.

'I'd rather live by a dream, than live by a lie.
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post #60 of 5067 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 07:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

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This is a really great start for YOUR part in the reconciliation process. What's she doing?
I dont know. Sorting her feelings. Trying to make sense of all of this. Hopefully hoping that I can come out of the "jerk fog" for good.
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