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post #61 of 5069 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 08:00 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

I suggested some actions to deal with the A short of divorce or separation. Exposure is critical. You taking the blame is relieving her of any guilt or shame. And, it is communicating that you have no value. She will see him, be woo'd and she will screw him again (and again).

Since you're atheist/agnostic you may not be aware, but her God is against infidelity. Expose to her pastor with a request for pastoral counseling. This isn't shaming. This drags it out in the light and ruins the fun. It also is you acting like a MAN and fighting for the marriage. You hurt yourself and your family keeping secrets.

I don't think you should 180 necessarily, but you need to be firm. Impose consequences.

I think you are doing good with owning your sh!t, but you go to far saying you deserved it.

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post #62 of 5069 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 08:02 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

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Morituri, from the moment I heard about this, there has been not one bit of anger or bitterness in me. Honest truth. I keep thinking about that and I think it speaks volumes for how much I've come to understand how much of a demolition man I've been to my own marriage. Yes, it took this act to make that realization happen. Yes, the realization is real. I cant imagine that I will eventually feel bitterness or anger from this current event. Future actions may be a different story altogether.

It's funny you say any long term decisions need to come from the head and not the heart. She has been very vocal that she wants to follow her heart here, and not her head. So yeah.

Lifeistooshort, your avatar looks like my wife except she has two eyes

Ha ha, I love Leela, and I love Futurama! One of the best cartoons ever

I do think the benefit of the 180 that everyone is suggesting is that it does't allow her to keep you as a backup. Ultimately she is either in or out, not in while she decides if OM has potential. That's not good for anyone.

And it does help you cope and detach of that's where this is going. Begging, pleading, and laying in wait never made anyone more attractive. It does not equal you being an ass.

If she's out that's her prerogative but she needs to make that decision now and live with the consequences. She may or may not decide it's worth it.

Last edited by lifeistooshort; 07-12-2015 at 08:14 PM.
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post #63 of 5069 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 08:02 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

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I dont know. Sorting her feelings. Trying to make sense of all of this. Hopefully hoping that I can come out of the "jerk fog" for good.
How do you think she's feeling about your willingness to share her with another man?
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post #64 of 5069 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 08:06 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

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Thundarr, are you suggesting that by cutting the chord entirely, doing "the 180" cutting her off emotionally even if by pretend, agreeing to a divorce, telling the world about her affair and shaming her, ripping my kids (especially my older one) apart, and actually living the life of sad man on the other side of town has better odds of a reconciliation than the approach I am currently taking? I mean, 4,300+ posts you are certainly more experienced in these dilemmas than me, but that seems completely backwards.

The "180" seems like a good move for a person who has been cheated on by a person who has no reason to cheat, a person who as truly a sc*mbag. And in that case, who would want to be with a person like that anyway.

My wife had reason to cheat. I should change the name of this thread to "My wife cheated and I love her more for it"
You don't love her 'more' for it. You just FEAR HER MORE for it. Fear she will leave you. So you are scrambling to keep her from dumping you. It's normal.

And the way you describe what we suggest is what EVERY betrayed husband says when he comes here. No way, I can't SHAME her, I can't LABEL her, 'that will only push her away.' If I had a dollar for every man who said 'it will only push her into his arms' here, I'd be rich. And we KNOW it sounds counterintuitive - get mad and she'll just leave faster.

But here's the psychology behind cheating women. They've already given up on you. And when they see you begging them to stay, you DISGUST them. Psychologically speaking, women need strong men. I don't mean 'mean' men, but strong men. Who won't beg. Yes, she wants you to acknowledge what you did. She doesn't want you to kiss her ass to keep her. A strong man will say 'I'm so sorry for hurting you; I'm not even blaming you for cheating. But that said, cheating is one thing I can't accept. I can't SHARE my wife with another man. So if you choose him, I'll understand. But I won't stay here with you and watch you going out with him, talking to him, and being emotionally connected to him. It has to be me or him.'

And as for exposing the affair to her important people, for the 900th time...IT IS NOT SHAMING. It is approaching them with full disclosure, telling them that you've been a sh*tty husband and you're not surprised she did this, given what you did to her, but you still love her and want to stay together; you're asking them to talk to her and convince her to give up the OM who is her 'drug' and yes, she's a drug addict; that's how affairs work - it becomes a craving. All you're asking is for one more chance for the marriage, WITHOUT the OM in the picture, so you two can attend therapy, figure out what went wrong, figure out if you two can keep the family together, for at least a few months without OM around. And, in the end, if she STILL can't find love for you again, you'll willingly walk away and wish her well; you're just asking them to talk to her and ask her to give the marriage and family one more chance without OM in the picture.

See? It is NOT shaming. It is exposing the truth so that she can try to see through the addiction, the affair fog, and look at her situation logically, without the PEA chemicals of the affair fog. And it is showing YOUR strength and humility in admitting your part in the problem and respectfully asking their help and then respectfully offering to walk away if she still won't stay with you.
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post #65 of 5069 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 08:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

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How do you think she's feeling about your willingness to share her with another man?
I'm not willing to share her with another man. It happened, it's happening, we are working through it, I'm making real moves, real impactful moves, but it needs to end for good I agree.
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post #66 of 5069 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 08:15 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

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I'm not willing to share her with another man. It happened, it's happening, we are working through it, I'm making real moves, real impactful moves, but it needs to end for good I agree.
Yes, we see that you're making real moves, real impactful moves. That's GREAT!

But, she isn't!
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post #67 of 5069 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 08:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

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But here's the psychology behind cheating women. They've already given up on you. And when they see you begging them to stay, you DISGUST them. Psychologically speaking, women need strong men. I don't mean 'mean' men, but strong men. Who won't beg. Yes, she wants you to acknowledge what you did. She doesn't want you to kiss her ass to keep her. A strong man will say 'I'm so sorry for hurting you; I'm not even blaming you for cheating. But that said, cheating is one thing I can't accept. I can't SHARE my wife with another man. So if you choose him, I'll understand. But I won't stay here with you and watch you going out with him, talking to him, and being emotionally connected to him. It has to be me or him.'

And as for exposing the affair to her important people, for the 900th time...IT IS NOT SHAMING. It is approaching them with full disclosure, telling them that you've been a sh*tty husband and you're not surprised she did this, given what you did to her, but you still love her and want to stay together; you're asking them to talk to her and convince her to give up the OM who is her 'drug' and yes, she's a drug addict; that's how affairs work - it becomes a craving. All you're asking is for one more chance for the marriage, WITHOUT the OM in the picture, so you two can attend therapy, figure out what went wrong, figure out if you two can keep the family together, for at least a few months without OM around. And, in the end, if she STILL can't find love for you again, you'll willingly walk away and wish her well; you're just asking them to talk to her and ask her to give the marriage and family one more chance without OM in the picture.

See? It is NOT shaming. It is exposing the truth so that she can try to see through the addiction, the affair fog, and look at her situation logically, without the PEA chemicals of the affair fog. And it is showing YOUR strength and humility in admitting your part in the problem and respectfully asking their help and then respectfully offering to walk away if she still won't stay with you.
Good stuff.
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post #68 of 5069 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 08:21 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

OP,
It is admirable that you see and want to rectify the character flaws that you now acknowledge. However, you must understand that your wife has done something extraordinary. The heart has no neurons, no synaptic connections, no way to reason. Without reason there can only be chaos. Following her heart may lead down a very unhappy path in the end. You have indicated that your wife is your soul mate and a religious person. Does her religion allow for adultery? Does her vow to remain faithful allow caveats? In displaying this behavior she has compromised her own integrity, values and honor.

You can convince yourself that you are the cause of her infidelity but are you the cause of her lack of character? You said that her A was the wake up call you needed and the only thing that could have awaken you to acknowledge what a cad you have been. This is simply not true. There are other avenues of action that do not compromise ones integrity but she was willing to forgo those in favor of deceit, betrayal and dishonor. She could have served you with divorce papers and informed you that you two were done but she did not. She followed her heart and took the route that openly displays her lack of character, honor and values.

So you forgive her and even praise her for what she did but what of her God, are her actions as praiseworthy in his eyes. I seem to remember some basic principles that he handed down some years back that were referred to as commandments. How many of them has she broken on this sojourn to follow her heart? Are you responsible for that too? What I am trying to make you see is that you may well have been a cad, a workaholic, to the point of often neglecting your family but you do not possess the ability to alter ones core beliefs and values. You are assigning yourself too much influence, you haven't the power.

There are always other options and for your wife to choose this path is wrong on many levels and in no way your fault. If you want to claim worst husband of the century then so be it but this A is all your wife's doing and fully on her. She should be genuinely contrite and deeply remorseful but instead she is defiant and intent on pursuing this extramarital activity in spite of her vows to the contrary and her beliefs in God. This is deeply troubling as is your attitude towards her behavior. If someone sees nothing wrong with compromising their beliefs, their integrity and their honor then what do they perceive as wrong?

She needs to break off all extramarital contact with this OM and accept accountability for the heinous acts she has committed. She needs to beg forgiveness from you and from her God. If she does, then there is a chance for R. If she does not want that then she should cease all contact with OM, file for D and then pursue whatever her heart wants going forward. There is a right way and a wrong way, so far she has chosen the wrong way and you have condoned it. I find this fascinating.

You already know what you need to do to improve yourself and you should continue to pursue it with earnest but do not allow her A to continue. You had to stop, reevaluate and correct and so must she. Good fortune to you and your family.

Peace and long life
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post #69 of 5069 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 08:23 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

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Originally Posted by gridcom View Post
Thundarr, are you suggesting that by cutting the chord entirely, doing "the 180" cutting her off emotionally even if by pretend, agreeing to a divorce, telling the world about her affair and shaming her, ripping my kids (especially my older one) apart, and actually living the life of a sad man on the other side of town has better odds of a reconciliation than the approach I am currently taking? I mean, 4,300+ posts you are certainly more experienced in these dilemmas than me, but that seems completely backwards.
No I'm not suggesting that gridcom. You have to pick out useful advice as it pertains to your situation. Let's face it, you're the one living this and you're the one invested in the outcome. I'm guessing you understand that anonymous advice has real value because it's not entangled with the emotion and drama of the real situation and that's why you're here.

From the outside looking in it feels like you want to believe that you caused this 100%. There's motive to this because it gives you a way to fix it. If you caused it then you can change and viola it's all fixed. Maybe I'm reading that wrong.

So no I don't think you should go 100% full on cold 180. But there's at least one boundary you have to step up to IMO and that's "No contact". So you should do your best to understand your part and fix that within yourself and at the same time understand what you should not be willing to put up with now. For example, she wants to keep a relationship with this guy. That is a reconciliation no no, it's a principled living no no, it's a personal boundary no no. In other words IMO it's a showstopper even though you don't know it yet.
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post #70 of 5069 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 08:28 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

OK Gridcom, it seems some brutal straight talk is needed here!

If you are making changes in general to the way you behave that you think will make you a better man, then great and bravo!

However ...

We all have faults and to continue to berate yourself is non productive.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, can justify what she is doing now and probably has been doing for a year unknown to you ... and that is LYING and CHEATING and being DISRESPECTFUL!

If she was unhappy with you, she could have divorced you - why did she wait until she test drove this POSOM (who knows she is married and is a predator) before dumping you.

To put it in simple words - she is FVCKING another man! While in a covenant (vows) with you to be faithful through good and bad! There is nothing good, honourable or justified about this. She has been coming home to you, and maybe you have had sloppy seconds. Do you see how disrespectful and wrong this is ?

You are trying to romanticise this far too much! She is not the angel you have placed on a pedestal. The reason she did this is she is responding to the desires of a part of her anatomy that is NOT her heart! (Go with her heart indeed!).

And what makes it even more disrespectful is she does this while playing the part of respectable and caring church goer!

You need to shatter the illusion you have of her. Now! Snap out of it. Knock her off that pedestal you have put her on. You sound almost like you are on drugs or something or have a severe lack of testosterone!

She carefully planned this. Even you said "she made her play and he responded" - is this not telling of her character!

Now it sounds to me like you need to explode this affair in her face and that of her friends, family and congregation. While she is fvcking this POSOM, any money or time spent on MC is a waste.

She needs to own the fact that she is a lying cheat and be truly remorseful in actions (not just words) for you to have any chance of R. Also you need to be prepared to D and dump her a$$ if she doesn't comply.

You also say that you are doing this for your kids - it is far healthier for kids to see two divorced parents that are not cheating on each other, not resentful of each other, and truly loving of their partners rather than live in a house where the relationship is a lie. And that is exactly what it would be if you allowed this to be rug-swept and she stayed.

Stop justifying her lying and cheating and blaming yourself for it.

Problems in the marriage may be 50% down to you but her cheating is 100% on her and her alone!

Wake up for God's sake and defend your self and your kids in terms of finances, custody and your well being!


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To fight for the right, without question or pause
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post #71 of 5069 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 08:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

You all have been my friends tonight. My kids are asleep and my wife is at work. All I want to do is the best I can, and being an admitted OCD person, my inclinations are to talk it out until it's figured out. I feel like I am sitting at a roundtable with a roomful of faceless people with a wide spectrum of advice and it's healing to me, no matter if I agree or dont agree or simply dont want to agree.

Thanks for being my buddies tonight
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post #72 of 5069 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 08:32 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

You mean your kids are asleep while your wife is with her paramour/boyfriend! Sheesh!

This is my quest, to follow that star
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right, without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause
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post #73 of 5069 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 08:42 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

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My wife had reason to cheat. I should change the name of this thread to "My wife cheated and I love her more for it"
I missed this. She may have had reason to separate or leave you. She did not have reason to cheat.
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post #74 of 5069 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 08:43 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

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Thundarr, are you suggesting that by cutting the chord entirely, doing "the 180" cutting her off emotionally even if by pretend, agreeing to a divorce, telling the world about her affair and shaming her, ripping my kids (especially my older one) apart, and actually living the life of a sad man on the other side of town has better odds of a reconciliation than the approach I am currently taking? I mean, 4,300+ posts you are certainly more experienced in these dilemmas than me, but that seems completely backwards.

The "180" seems like a good move for a person who has been cheated on by a person who has no reason to cheat, a person who is truly a sc*mbag. And in that case, who would want to be with a person like that anyway.

My wife had reason to cheat. I should change the name of this thread to "My wife cheated and I love her more for it"
Your thinking is so amazingly flawed that I can scarcely bear to read through it all, much less take the time to comment on all of it.

For now I'll say only this... for as long as your wife refuses to go NC w/ OM, your wife is STILL cheating.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #75 of 5069 (permalink) Old 07-12-2015, 08:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

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For now I'll say only this... for as long as your wife refuses to go NC w/ OM, your wife is STILL cheating.
I agree
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