Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Give her what she wants. Let her go. Don't be mean, don't beg, don't follow her around like a lost pup. Let her go.
Use her fog to get the best divorce settlement from her that you can. Be amicable...see a lawyer and draw up the papers, expose her affair to family and friends, then do the 180.
Many BS's are urged to go No Contact with their WS after ALL ELSE has failed.
This 180 list may help.
For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.
QFT (Quoted For Truth).
Reading through this, yeah OP you have been a a$$, and you're right to feel the guilt of YOUR SIDE of this failed marriage.
HOWEVER, you're taking on the guilt of her CHOOSING, OF HER OWN VOLITION, to jump on another guys d!ck. That it's YOUR fault she's having sex with another man.
It's not your fault. That's 100% ON HER.
And the whole going to church, being what you THINK she wants, trying to nice her back?
A) Grow a pair, B) File on her cheating a$$, C) go as much of the 180 as having kids permits.
Essentially move on. Work on YOUR sh*t. Fix yourself. Don't try and fix her, or your marriage (it's in the crapper already, IMO).
And blow the affair up. Out her to family, friends, the church, her work. She's living in a fog. Shove her cheating a$$ out into the cold light of reality. See how long the AP sticks around for then!