My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
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post #91 of 5067 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 01:35 AM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

Grid, walk your own path. If you think the way you are doing it is the right way, then do it.


The universe will equalize all things in the end.

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post #92 of 5067 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 08:32 AM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

You didn't cause her to BREAK HER VOW and cheat. She could EASILY have divorced you first. But she let her ADDICTION fuel her actions. THAT weakness is on her.

Please try to remember that a cheater is HIGH on her PEA chemicals and cannot be reasoned with. That's why the 'intervention' of exposing to her important people is usually the ONLY way a cheater will stop - that or immediate movement to starting a divorce, to wake them up. You've done neither, so there she sits in her PEA-addled brain, just...feeling.

Anatomy of an Affair - The Chemistry of Love - Marriage AdvocatesMarriage Advocates
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post #93 of 5067 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 08:50 AM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

BTW, is OM married? Apologies if you've already mentioned that.

Either way, don't take your wife's word for it. Find out who he is, where he lives, whether or not he's married, etc.

And, if he is married, expose the affair to his wife.
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post #94 of 5067 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 08:52 AM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

Quote:
Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
BTW, is OM married? Apologies if you've already mentioned that.

Either way, don't take your wife's word for it. Find out who he is, where he lives, whether or not he's married, etc.

And, if he is married, expose the affair to his wife.
I think he said no.
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post #95 of 5067 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 08:57 AM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Give her what she wants. Let her go. Don't be mean, don't beg, don't follow her around like a lost pup. Let her go.

Use her fog to get the best divorce settlement from her that you can. Be amicable...see a lawyer and draw up the papers, expose her affair to family and friends, then do the 180.


Many BS's are urged to go No Contact with their WS after ALL ELSE has failed.


This 180 list may help.
--------------------------


For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.
This!!
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post #96 of 5067 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 09:32 AM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Give her what she wants. Let her go. Don't be mean, don't beg, don't follow her around like a lost pup. Let her go.

Use her fog to get the best divorce settlement from her that you can. Be amicable...see a lawyer and draw up the papers, expose her affair to family and friends, then do the 180.


Many BS's are urged to go No Contact with their WS after ALL ELSE has failed.


This 180 list may help.
--------------------------


For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.
QFT (Quoted For Truth).

Reading through this, yeah OP you have been a a$$, and you're right to feel the guilt of YOUR SIDE of this failed marriage.

HOWEVER, you're taking on the guilt of her CHOOSING, OF HER OWN VOLITION, to jump on another guys d!ck. That it's YOUR fault she's having sex with another man.

Fail.

It's not your fault. That's 100% ON HER.

And the whole going to church, being what you THINK she wants, trying to nice her back?

Fail.

A) Grow a pair, B) File on her cheating a$$, C) go as much of the 180 as having kids permits.

Essentially move on. Work on YOUR sh*t. Fix yourself. Don't try and fix her, or your marriage (it's in the crapper already, IMO).

And blow the affair up. Out her to family, friends, the church, her work. She's living in a fog. Shove her cheating a$$ out into the cold light of reality. See how long the AP sticks around for then!
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post #97 of 5067 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 09:49 AM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

Or you can continue to be her b*tch. And

A) watch her lose any remaining respect for you

B) get used to a slightly unusual taste on the few occasions she allows you to go down on her. Who knows, you might get used to the flavour. Eventually...
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post #98 of 5067 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 10:15 AM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

Find out who the other man is. Go to their workplace and talk to her boss if you have to. Tell the boss you will sue their company.

Talk to a lawyer.

Talk t her priest/pastor.

Talk to her parents, siblings and close friends.

Exposure kills affairs.

Talk to his parents and boss.

Fu*k this job, look what its done to your family.

Your wife is doing this to your kids. She could have demanded counseling. She could have told you that she was separating from you until you started meeting her needs. She could have talked to her priest/pastor.

If he's married that's a big plus since he will through your wife under the bus to keep from breaking up his family. Find out now who he is. Check phone records and see who she is texting/calling.

The only bright spot I see in your course of action is that your plan will lead to divorce and you will be rid of a faithless cheating wife.
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post #99 of 5067 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 12:20 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

Let me ask you. Do you want to stay living with her while she goes out and sleeps with this other man as a form of penance? Do you think that allowing her to hurt you will make up for all the ignoring of her that you did?

Did you ever physically or mentally abuse her or did you just neglect her? Seems like her punishment of you is awful harsh. Is that what you want? To be punished? Are you going to basically allow her to call the shots and steer whatever reconciliation may happen?
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post #100 of 5067 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 12:45 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

Sigh.
Dude you are SO FAR from unique. 80% of women say they are allowed to cheat because hubby is a jerk. Several years ago, my wife said and did sh!t well beyond what I ever wrote here. I have touched, kissed, groped, etc exactly ZERO women. If you suck so bad as a husband she should have divorced FIRST. Cool thing about being divorced; you get to fvck a football and hockey team at the same time if that is your wish.

In a friendly way I wanna shake you! STOP IT.
Get MAD!
Find your inner Klingon.

Yea. I know. Be nice. Be constructive. Living well is the best revenge. sigh.
Living well after laying waste to the guy putting his load between your wife's legs is even sweeter.
Get angry dammit!

[TAM peeps] Who was it that nuked the OM in an entirely legal way? Damn I forget... It was beautiful. No not Juicer. LEGAL.
Dont do squat against your ?stbx?ww. The OM is a predator. Bet if you could see their communication you would see LOTS of "He does not deserve you" and compliments. Player 101. Its a script.

Sorry. You are so far from unique.

BTW. If you D. DO OWN YOUR SH!T! Fix yourself, Learn and treat wife 2.0 better.

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post #101 of 5067 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 01:29 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

Quote:
Originally Posted by gridcom View Post

Tonight it was clear to me that my wife is in a real dark place, not just with me but in her life. I am the cause of this. I let her down. I didnt give this woman the love she deserved, All true. But, she is coming from a real dark place, a vengeful place, an unhealthy place, and a place that is ultimately going to harm my children.
Never own another person's emotional response. You aren't responsible for it. Doing so will drive you nuts.

Your marriage cannot be saved while the affair persists. So step #1, which you have yet to accomplish is:

End the affair!

The best tool for killing an affair is exposure. You tell her friends, her family, church members, everyone that matters. Affairs thrive in darkness, and fizzle when they are exposed.

Until step #1 happens, all the marriage counselling in the world is a colossal waste of $. And meanwhile, your cheater wife gets to watch you dance the "pick me!" dance. Ugh

The Humiliating Dance of ?Pick Me?! - ChumpLady.com

Once the affair is ended, all contact with the OM has stopped, and your cheater-wife shows genuine remorse, the marriage rebuilding can begin.

Until the affair is ended, continue to work on you. Read relationship books, get into the best physical shape of your life, and focus on you and your kids. Like Weightlifter said, it might become useful for life partner #2.

BTW, the stats for resurrecting a marriage after the wife has cheated are pretty grim. So hope for (what you think) is the best, but in the back of your mind prepare for the worst.

Most of us have been where you are. You are not unique. In fact, once you spend some time here you will see how similar the stories are.

"A healthy choice to enforce boundaries by walking away from a dysfunctional relationship has more to do with recognizing the likeliest outcomes than with wanting to punish or retaliate against one's wayward spouse."

-TAM member Moxy
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post #102 of 5067 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 02:44 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

Quote:
Originally Posted by gridcom View Post
So, there's the latest. I'm sure you've never quite heard anything like it, but there is nobody like the two of us. We both agree we were made for each other.
Oh yes, we've heard this many times here. It never works out the way the BS thinks it will. You're being played! Think of her as a drug addict. Her drug is brain chemicals making her high every time she gets a hit. The hit is when she sees him, talks to him, texts him, touches him, or even thinks of him.

Addicts do and say anything to keep getting their high.

I promise you she is not committed to you or the marriage, at least not the way you are thinking of marriage. Guaranteed.

Sorry, but you're in a fog yourself.
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post #103 of 5067 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 03:08 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

You should read the e-book "Women's Infidelity". See if you can find a cheap version somewhere, because the author wants a very hefty price from her website. The book will explain your wife's mindset so that you can better understand how she got to this point. It is not what you think.
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post #104 of 5067 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 03:24 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

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Tonight was not a good night. After all of your advice tonight, I once again ignored it all and tried to reason with her that giving this marriage every last chance to work was the only proper solution. She's not having it and during the conversation you could clearly tell she was coming from a place of great anger and vindictiveness. She admitted that she was trying to hurt me by being so open about the affair, hoping to "send me over the edge" and act promptly in anger.

Again, I know you all have really heard enough about this, but I am really trying to do the right thing for my children. To me, it's them first. It really is. This move will devistate them both emotionally and functionally. They will grow up poor kids in a rich town. We are already pretty much on the low end of finances in a financially viable community and cannot afford many things that our childrens peers have, and this is only going to make it way worse.

Tonight it was clear to me that my wife is in a real dark place, not just with me but in her life. I am the cause of this. I let her down. I didnt give this woman the love she deserved, All true. But, she is coming from a real dark place, a vengeful place, an unhealthy place, and a place that is ultimately going to harm my children. I CANNOT SIT BACK AND WATCH THIS HAPPEN AND DO NOTHING. It sucks that I have to cause more chaos in a chaotic situation. That does not generate love and kindness and caring, three things that I lack that I am trying to find in my life. I am absolutely gutted that my plan will not work; trying to nice her back into at least giving the marriage another chance.

Tomorrow it's on.
What exactly is on?

You seem to think your situation is soooo unique. We can't possibly understand what you fear will happen to the kids if you divorce. We can't comprehend the guilt you have you'd have for making this their life. We have no idea about the financial ramifications of divorce and maintaining two households.

You're dead wrong. So many of us have been in your exact shoes.
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post #105 of 5067 (permalink) Old 07-13-2015, 03:43 PM
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Re: My wife thinks she is in love with a co-worker

Quote:
We both agree we were made for each other.
I missed that part.

If you BOTH agree you were made for each other, what's she doing with HIM?
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